*Some of the following may be exaggerated, distorted or flat out untrue. All of the following is taken from an uncopyrighted website so they are out of luck and I'm awesome for stealing it and inserting a much cooler name, mine.
Steve Drake is a son of a bitch!
Steve Drake is the father of every kid in this town!
Steve Drake once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
One time I was with Drake in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Drake goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Steve Drake! SAY IT !' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'SteveDrake ' ... It wasn't exactly like it , but it was pretty good for a deer!
He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him !
His poop is used as currency in Argentina.
He sweats Gatorade
He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.
He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!
I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.
He sheds his skin once a year.
He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.
He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Drake!
I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.
His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson.
He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.
Steve Drake was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!
Did I ever tell you about the time Drake took me out to go get a drink with him ? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Drake takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it , and then burned the place to the ground. Drake yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!
Steve Drake had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. The Doctor said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.
He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.
They once found $60 in change in his stomach.
He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie.
He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault.
Drake drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, “All in all, I prefer gin.”
They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Drake talk in his sleep.
He date raped David Bowie.
He once inhaled a seagull.
The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.
It was the sight of Drake's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.
He once had sex with a cigarette machine.
He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.
He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.
He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!
Steve Drake is from Ohio, but has a British accent
You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!
He has dandruff the size of mice!
He jogged with a fridge on his back!
Steve Drake is a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!
His first name is Steve!!! ....... I'm drunk.
He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.
He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wesson.
He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.
Did I ever tell you about the time Drake went hunting? Drake decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Mötley Crüe. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except for Vince Neil.
We once had a bachelor party for Drake. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it .
Drake once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.
He has a toenail on the end of his penis.
Drake once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.
Drake's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.
Drake ranked 8th in the BCS College Football Poll.
Did I ever tell you about the time Drake was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Drake chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.
He breastfeeds John Madden.
Drake named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.
If you drop a phonograph needle on Drake's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'
Drake directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.
All the 'Yes' album covers are Drake family photos.
Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Drake said it would've happened sometime.
Drake still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.
He thinks that the Ironman Triathlon is gay.
He framed Roger Rabbit.
The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Drake - except for the apple tree planting.
He gave a handjob to a manta ray.
Drake? He goes about 8'-4" and about 25 stone these days.
Drake created the internet so he could instantly send a threatening letter to Bea Arthur
He once jumped a lift bridge in the Pope-mobile
Did you know Drake performed Dick Cheney's open heart surgery? Well Drake walks in...NAKED! Then he strolls up to the operating table and says "You're not dying on my watch!" and he injects Cheney's heart with Tabasco sauce and I'll be damned if he didn't make a full recovery!
He was college roommates with Joey Buttafuoco!
Like a shark he has 3 rows of teeth!
Drake shot the sheriff! and just to be different he also shot the deputy!
He picks his nose with a jackhammer!
He keeps Tom Jones in a cage and calls him Polly.
They say he made David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany on a bet.
He thinks Wil Wheaton would make a beautiful woman with the right surgery.
His dandruff is 100% cocaine
Drake has taken up polo. His favorite way to play is to ride around on Prince Charles' back and hit hedgehogs with a cricket bat!
God Save Steve Drake
Steve was on the original Real World cast but was completely edited out of the show because he was continually swearing and never had any clothes on.
In Vietnam, Drake had 5000 confirmed kills and all of them French!!
Did I ever tell you about Drake's lifelong goal to reunite the cast of Police Academy? Well Drake scours the country looking for all the actors. When I told him that George Gaynes and David Graf were dead, he said "Not for long!" Well Drake dug those two up, pulled their rotting skins off and stretched them over Kenan and Kel from Good Burger. Then he yelled ‘Action' and I'll be damned if he didn't single handedly shoot the greatest movie in film history.
Drake once did that trick where you put a worm up your nose and it comes out your mouth, except he used a twenty-foot Burmese python, immediately after it had consumed a full grown cow.
During one particularly long hangover he built the Spinx. He invented Ramses condoms about the same time by using Ramses actual skin to protect him from Nefertiri's numerous STD's.
He uses Margaret Thatcher as a neck tie and thinks that Aretha Franklin is a hot piece of ass and wants to get in her JJJ cups
The swiss army knife was based on Drake's genitals! It's even got a toothpick for God's sake!!
Satan's single greatest fear is that Drake is that he will eventually come back to Hell to reclaim his throne of skulls.
Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Steve Drake invented Al Gore.
He built him out of scrap metal and cigarettes and a block of wood.
Steve Drake created the first nuclear submarine, using just a jam jar, a piece of string, and a note from his mother.
If you ask Steve Drake "How much wood would a wooodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood," Steve Drake will promptly chuck a woodchuck through your skull.
Steve Drake once owned all of Lebanon, but lost it to his arch rival Bruce Willis in a game of Beer Pong. This is why Beer Pong is sometime incorrectly called Beirut.
When within a 7 foot radius of Steve Drake, you are actually standing on sovereign Guatemalan territory.
Steve Drake's brain waves are audible to bats, and he uses them to get the bats to fly into his mouth. He has not sat down for a meal in twelve years.
Every time a bell rings, Steve Drake eats another child.
Steve Drake once said Beetlejuice three times, ever since Michael Keaton has had no career.
When the founding fathers decided that it would be necessary to coin money, they first had to consult Steve Drake, who at the time had yet to create metals.
Steve Drake wrote The Diary of Anne Frank.
Steve Drake refuses to answer the phone before the second ring. He doesn't want to come off as desperate.
Steve Drake is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s**t.
Drakes blood is, in fact, pure gasoline.
Steve Drake has a black belt in pudding, which is not a martial art. He's just that good at it .
All months used to have 32 days, but Steve Drake demanded a sacrifice from each month. February refused to comply, so he ********ed the month up for good by making it the worst month ever.
Steve Drake coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.
Steve Drake was behind Franz Ferdinand's assassination in June 1914, thus starting World War 1. He says he was "having a ************ morning".