Velma:
Hello suckers, welcome back. Roxie's in there being looked over by the State Medical Examiner. She says she's gonna have a baby. Now why didn't I think of that?
14.I KNOW A GIRL
Velma:
Can you imagine?
I mean can you imagine?
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?
I know a girl
A girl who lands on top
You could put her face
Into a pail of slop
And she'd come up smelling like a rose
How she does it, heaven knows.
Reporter:
Hold on, everybody, she's comin' out now.
Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?
Velma:
She is.
Doctor:
She is!
Velma:
I know a girl
A girl with so much luck
She could get run over by a two-ton truck
Then brush herself off and walk away
How she does it, I couldn't say
Billy:
So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?
Doctor:
Oh, yeah.
Billy:
Good...you wanna button your fly?
Velma:
Whilst I on the other hand
Put my face in a pail of slop
And I would smell like a pail of slop
I, on the other hand
Get run over by a truck
And I am deader than a duck
I know a girl who tells so many lies
Anything that's true would truly cross her eyes
But what that mouse is selling
That whole world buys
And nobody smells a rat.
Roxie:
Oh, please Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - leave the two
of us alone so that we can rest.
Velma:
The two of us?
Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?
Reporter:
Can I have one last picture, please?
Roxie:
Oh, sure, anything for the press.
Velma:
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?
Roxie:
My dear little baby
Velma:
"My dear little baby."
Roxie:
My sweet little baby
Velma:
"My sweet little..."
Roxie:
Look at my baby and me!
15.ME AND MY BABY
Roxie:
Me and my baby
My baby and me
We're 'bout as happy
As babies can be
What if I find
That I'm caught in a storm?
I don't care
My baby's there
And baby's bound to keep me warm
We're sticking together
And ain't we got fun
So much together
You'd count us as one
Tell old man, worry, to go climb a tree
'Cause I've got my baby
My sweet little baby
Look at my baby and me
Mary Sunshine:
I don't see how you could possibly delay the trial another second, Mr. Flynn. My readers wouldn't stand for it. The poor child! To have her baby born in a jail!
Billy:
I can assure you she'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment. And you can quote me on that.
Amos:
Hey, everybody. I'm the father! I'm the father!
All:
Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!
Roxie:
Looka my baby
My baby and me
A dream of a duo
Now, don't you agree?
Why keep it mum
When there's nothing to hide?
And what I feel
I must reveal
Is more than I can keep inside
Let me assure you
It won't go away
I can assure you
It grows every day
I was a one once
But now I'm a "we"
'Cause I got my baby
My dear little baby
Look at my baby and me
Matron:
I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.
Billy:
I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go to you - not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you.
Amos:
That's my kid! That's my kid!
Roxie and Boys:
Looka my baby
My baby and me
Facing the world
Optimistically
Nothing can stop us
So nobody try
'Cause baby's rough
And full of stuff
And incidentally, so am I!
Get out of our way, folks
And give us some room
Watch how we bubble
And blossom and bloom
Life was a prison
But we got the key
Me and my baby
My dear little baby
My cute little baby
My sweet little baby
My fat little baby
My soft little baby
My pink little baby
My bald little baby
Looka, my baby and me
Amos:
I'm the father! Papa! Dadda! Did you hear me? Did you? No, you didn't hear me. That's the story of my life. Nobody ever knows I'm around. Nobody. Not even my parents noticed me. One day I went to school and when I came home, they moved.
16.MISTER CELLOPHANE
Amos:
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him
If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him
And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him
Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him
A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.
Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
17.WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND
Velma:
Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial. Couldn't I just show you what I thought I might do on the witness stand?
Billy:
Go ahead.
Velma:
Good! Hit it! Well then, when I got on the stand I thought I'd take a peek at the jury. Then I'd cross my legs like this, you know.
Quartette:
When Velma takes the stand
Velma:
Then, when Harrison cross examines me, I thought I'd give 'em this...and then if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like this..."ooh, no, please stop!"
Quartette:
When Velma takes the stand
Look at little Vel
See her give 'em hell
When she turns it on
Ain't she doin' grand?
She's got 'em eating out of the palm of her hand!
Velma:
Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could I have a glass of water?"
Quartette::
When Velma takes the stand
See that Kelly girl
Make that jury whirl
When she turns it on
She's gonna get 'em goin'
'Till she's got 'em gone
Velma:
Ah! Ah! Ah! Then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't have handkerchief - that's when I have to ask you for yours! I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and try to walk; oh, but I'm too weak, and I slump and I slump and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint!
Quartette:
When she rolls her eyes
Watch her take the prize
When Velma takes the stand!
When Velma takes the stand!
18.RAZZLE DAZZLE
Bailiff:
Mr. Flynn, his honor is here
Roxie:
Oh Billy, I'm so scared!
Billy:
Roxie. You got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trial - the whole world - all show business. But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bread and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll never catch wise!
Eh Eh Eh Eh
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Billy and Company:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
Billy:
Row after row will grow vociferous
Billy and Company:
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture 'em
Billy:
How can they hear the truth above the roar?
Billy and Company:
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel,
Billy:
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll beg you for more!
Billy and Company:
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler
Give 'em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble, go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let ya get away with a murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
And you've got a romance
Give 'em the old
Razzle dazzle
Billy:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year 'til your available!
Billy and Company:
Give 'em the old
Double whammy
Billy:
Daze and dizzy 'em
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
Billy and Company:
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you got no talents?
Billy:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Company:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Billy:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Billy and Company:
And they'll make you a star!
19.CLASS
Matron:
The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used to be.
Velma:
They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't. It's all gone.
Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?
Matron:
Class.
Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?"
And "Yes, thank you?"
And "How charming?"
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?
Velma and Matron:
Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!
Velma:
Whatever happened to old values?
Matron:
And fine morals?
Velma:
And good breeding?
Matron
Now, no one even says "oops" when they're
Passing their gas
Whatever happened to class?
Velma:
Class
Velma and Matron:
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce
Matron:
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Velma:
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Velma and Matron:
Nobody's got no class!
Velma:
All you read about today is rape and theft
Matron:
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?
Velma and Matron:
Nobody's got no class
Matron:
Everybody you watch
Velma:
'S got his brains in his crotch
Matron:
Holy crap
Velma:
Holy crap
Matron:
What a shame
Velma:
What a shame
Velma and Matron:
What became of class?
20.NOWADAYS
Roxie:
...gone, it's all gone.
It's good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
Nowadays
There's man, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowadays
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vickers Theater, Chicago's finest home of family and entertainment, is proud to announce a first. The first time, anywhere, there has been an act of this nature. Not only one little lady, but two! You've read about them in the papers and now here they are - a double header! Chicago's own
killer dillers - those two scintillating sinners - Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!
Roxie and Velma:
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays
ANNOUNCER
Okay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace. Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties
longer. Let's make the skirts shorter and shorter. Let's make the music hotter. Let's all go to hell
in a fast car and KEEP IT HOT!
21.HOT HONEY RAG
(Instrumental)
22.FINALE
Velma:
Thank you. Roxie and I would just like to thank you - for you faith and your belief in our innocence.
Roxie:
Yes, it was letters, telegrams, and words of encouragement that helped see us through this terrible ordeal of ours.
Velma:
You know, a lot of people has lost faith in America.
Roxie:
And for what America stands for.
Velma:
But we are the living examples of what a wonderful country this is.
Roxie:
So we'd just like to say thank you and God Bless you.
Velma and Roxie:
God bless you.
Thank you and God bless you... Chorus:
God be with you. No,
God walk with you always. I'm no one's wife
God bless you. But, oh,
God bless you. I love my life...
Velma, Roxie et al.:
And all that jazz
Company:
THAT JAZZ!
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