Chapter 109: Modo VI
Mike Modano’s head was spinning with everything Muller had told him about the Roy’s. Was it feared? Was it disgusted? Was it a mix of both? It probably was. Mike had heard rumors about them of course, well about her. Really, all he had thought that she was a plain old bitch and a classic tramp. Well she was that and a whole lot more. Both of them were just plain... satanic! That was the word he was looking for. They had the Devil on their side and poor Joe was at their mercy and clutches? Did he know?
Joe probably knew nothing, because Modano knew that Joe was good and pure and would probably never conceive of people being so perverted and disgusting. If only he could help in some way. If only...
Why dwell on the unattainable and what one couldn’t have. He knew he was just torturing himself more and he would benefit greatly from just going on with life. Joe had given him some flash of joy, enough joy to finally recover from Brett and Mike knew he should just be grateful for the release from that pain. But wouldn’t it be so ungracious of him to just... abandon Joe to whatever horrid fate he was no doubt headed for? Life was hell!
What he needed was a distraction. He needed something to keep him occupied here in Dallas and keep his head out of the clouds. If it were the playoffs, he knew he would be fine... but it wasn’t. He needed someone.
Modano had gone home with Matvichuck and the two girls on Sunday night, taking up Richard’s offer of earlier that evening. After thinking it over he had concluded that perhaps it would be fun, perhaps he could still find the joys in a woman’s body.
It was awkward and tedious and embarrassing and just not what he wanted. The girls had been skinny, with fake breasts and lots of make-up and very bottle blond. Typical girls that could be found in clubs or around any man with money. They kept giggling and pulling at his shirt, chest, crotch, and each other. Richard was enjoying the whole thing, ordering them around, but Mike just couldn’t get into this. Even if it were two other men he knew he wouldn’t care for it too much. It was so impersonal, with these girls being degraded into sex toys for them and they being just as much of a caricature to them.
They seemed confused and a little irritated when they stripped teased and wriggled against him and realized that Mike just wouldn’t or couldn’t get it up.
"What’s wrong with us?" they asked.
Matvichuck was smiling and looking at him in an odd way and Mike had a feeling that Richard was holding something back that he wanted to say. It made him nervous.
"You’re just fine," Matvichuck said, "Come on honnies."
So the girls were more than happy to please him and Mike could only sit back and feel stupid. The sound of Richard’s moans and the sight of his muscled body was what had finally turned Mike on, and he was able to put on some sort of redemption for himself and he let the girls on his own body finally. He just kept his eyes closed and imagined that it was someone else pleasuring him, someone else more special.
When Mike had left, Richard had winked at him and said. "To each his own aye Modo?"
What had he meant by that?
But Mike had decided not to think about it much further than that. There was already so much pricking in his skin that he abandoned all dwelling on it.
Like a robot he felt as he numbly skated through their game on Monday, he scored a goal, he assisted on another, they won in convincing style in front of a home crowd. What the shits did he care? He couldn’t even fake being happy about it. He was just that miserable. All he wanted to do was just go home and crawl into bed with a beer and just sleep and cry. This all had to end sometime.
Mike had barely been home after the game when his doorbell rang. At first he thought he could ignore it and just wait for them to go away. It kept ringing though and finally with a groan, he dragged himself up and answered it.
"Hey," Jason Arnott said. "Can I come in?"
Modano sighed and shrugged. "It’s late... aren’t you tired?"
"Sure I am," Arnott replied. "But I’m more worried about you."
"Oh," Modano said dully and he strolled back into the house, Arnott followed him in. "You want a beer?"
"Sure," Arnott said.
Modano went into the kitchen and tossed the beer can to Jason and both of them sat at the table.
"You look miserable, Mike," Jason finally said. "You really have to talk about it, with someone."
Modano shook his head and took a long swig of beer. "I can’t talk about it to anyone."
"You can talk to me," Arnott said. "I’m here for ya."
Modano looked into Jason’s dark eyes and sighed. He was bursting for a friend to trust. He was rotting away inside. "I’m just not happy, OK," he said. "Sometimes people aren’t happy."
Jason sighed as well and reached over the table, patting his slightly damp warm palm over Modano’s hand. "That’s not how it is, you can’t just not be happy for no reason."
"Just forget it!" Modano snapped closing his eyes. "Dammit just leave me alone!"
"No I won’t!" Jason snapped back. "Look everyone on the team sees it, the people in the stands see it, the cameras catch it. All of us can see it! What is it? Do you need a girl? Shit Modo go out and get a girl. You can have any girl you want! Go out and find some nice bitty..."
"I don’t want a girl!" Modano screamed. "I don’t want a woman! I don’t need them that’s the problem!"
Modano could see the nervous, morbidly curious light in Jason’s eyes and he knew he should stop now if he were smart. Was it the liquor talking inside of him?
"What?" Jason asked quietly.
"I don’t want girls," he said in a slow voice. Dammit he wanted Jason to hear every word of this. "I don’t want women. I miss Brett."
"Brett?" Jason said helplessly, tightening his grip on his beer can.
"I miss the taste of a MAN!" Modano exclaimed. "I miss a man’s skin on my own! Now that you’ve heard that do you still want to help me?!"
Jason shook his head. "Mike... You haven’t been yourself lately... You’ve been under a lot of stress... you don’t know what you’re saying."
"Oh yes I do!" Mike said with a laugh, still not believing what he was saying. He knew he had crossed a stupid flippin line that he could never back track on.
"Mike!" Jason said. "Calm down. You’re a little..."
"And I’m not hysterical either!" Modano snapped. "I’m lucid as all hell. I love men! I love sex with men! I’m sick of women.... I’M GAY!"
Jason sighed and finished the rest of his beer. "I don’t know what to say," he said quietly. "Except, that you can’t tell anyone else.."
"I don’t care anymore!" Mike said. "Everyone can know in fact I want everyone to know. I would be so friggin glad if everyone knew then I wouldn’t have to pretend about anything anymore."
"Mike," Jason said standing up and putting his hand on Modano’s shoulder. "Look I won’t..."
Modano couldn’t help himself, he saw that manly, handsome face of Arnott’s and he stood up and kissed him as hard as he could on the mouth. Arnott’s surprise left him standing still for a moment and Modano briefly thought that perhaps Jason was accepting him. With one last gasp, Modano let Jason go and Arnott staggered back. There were tears in his eyes as he wiped at his mouth. "Shit!" he said. "Shit Modano! Why’d you have to go and do that? We could have just shut up about it forever! Why the hell did you do that?"
Modano sat back down, tears in his eyes. "I don’t know," he said. "I want to die."
Links to other sites on the Web