Chapter 615: Fred VII—To the Point and Beyond
Funny, but Fred found himself thinking more about Jonathan over the day than he did about his own plight. It touched him initially that his brother felt so badly about the harsh punishment dealt to Freddy, but Jonathan’s continued moroseness about it had become downright irritating. One would have thought Jonathan were the one being punished to look at it! It’s almost as if Jonathan were falling into some sort of weird self-pity spiral. Freddy almost felt as if he should go downstairs right now and…well…comfort Jonathan!
Not to get
him wrong, Freddy did still fill the crappy sting of being left out of the
Anyways, who’s to say that Mom and Dad won’t feel like real crap about this a month from now and decided to suddenly spoil their middle child with gifts and regard as atonement. Now wouldn’t that be worth the wait? Of course he couldn’t imagine Jonathan or Jana putting up with that sort of extraneous attention to him but it’d be fun just the same.
Fred decided not to go downstairs this evening, at least not until he were hungry and willing to warm up some leftovers. Mom hadn’t even left them with a hot meal to tide them over tonight. Ah, justice as served by parents. Instead he contented himself with homework and he turned the hockey game on the radio.
The first
period went well, and Fred was happy to hear it end with Joe Sakic and Chris
Drury both scoring goals. From the yelps and climatic howls of Mike Haynes, it
sounded like Dad had made some pretty good saves.
During the first intermission he used the bathroom, and then stopped in the hallway. Funny, but it sounded really quiet in the house. Freddy frowned and put his hands on his hips, turning around the room and wrinkling his nose. Taunting laughs from Jonathan, frantic happy yelps from Gigi and aggravated protests from Jana were not to be heard. He scratched his head, that can’t be a good sign. Fred closed his eyes tightly and clamped his hands over his ears. No! No! Not already! Why couldn’t they catch a break?
Walking on his toes, Freddy went downstairs, slowly, trailing his fingers down the cold, smooth banister. His pulse race and his chest burned from holding his breath in. Halfway down the stairs, he craned his neck and looked to the living room. He saw Jana’s back and her long blond hair. He saw Jonathan facing her. They seemed fine. Gigi was napping right next to Jana on the carpet. Well, really it just looked as if the two were actually having a quiet evening, talking or something.
Well, Freddy wouldn’t complain about that.
He went back to his homework, diving into the wonderful world of quotients and integers that was mathematics. Not that Freddy loved it all that much but it was one of his easier subjects. He gnawed on his pencil as he scratched out figures on a sheet of paper and he listened to the intermission radio show. A lof of the question and answer session from callers to Haynes dealt with fielding queries about the status of Peter Forsberg. Fred shook his head. At least that he knew couldn’t be blamed on him and his insane siblings. Haynes dealt with the questions very diplomatically, making light of the situation and stressing the fact that practical jokes were common in the locker room and this was one that just had gone out of hand.
Fred scowled. What would happen to Peter? Dad had been pretty pissed about it, and he couldn’t imagine Sakic being as cool about it as he came off.
The second
period went tough.
Fred raised his eyebrows. “Jeezers you guys take it down…”
“And Smith scores! Ah, it was Ryan Smith from the hash marks, I think it was a screened shot. It was a good shot. A
pile in front of the net,
“Well,” the
color analyst interjected. “I don’t think there’s such a thing as a goal
Haynes laughed here, “That’s true Norm. That’s true. But as it stands, the Avalanche lead has been cut. In. Half. They’ve been outplayed this entire period Norm, they’ve got to start pressing in the offensive zone if they want to…”
The doorbell rang.
Fred frowned and sat up, feeling heavy, nervous and jittery in his gut. Ever since that incident in January with the intruder, he could never shake the nagging fear that similar trouble would fall upon the house soon. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and left the bedroom, stopping at the top of the stairs. Gigi barked and scratched at the front door and Jonathan answered it without even asking who it was!
Freddy’s eyes widened when he saw who’d come to the door. This was even worse than an intruder! This could mean death! His mouth hung open in horror.
“PIZZA!” Jana yelled, running in circles and tapping her hand over her mouth so she could hoot like an Indian from a John Wayne movie. “PIZZA!”
What the…
“Here you go!” Jonathan pulled three twenties from a wad of cash in his hand and he gave them to the pizza man who’d just handed a steaming stack of FIVE boxes into Jana’s little arms. She staggered and stumbled with the stack into the kitchen. “Keep the change my good man!”
“Thanks a ton!” The pizza man said, “Have a good evening.”
“Bye!”
Jonathan closed the door with flourish, obviously intensely pleased with himself. He crossed his arms over his chest and he winked to Freddy. “It’s pizza time! Hungry?”
Freddy shook his head and he sped down the stairs. “NO! NO! No! No! No! What do you think you’re doing? You ordered PIZZA?”
Jonathan shrugged we’re hungry.
“And where did you get all that money to pay for it?”
Jonathan shrugged again. “Dad’s dresser. He keeps it in the top drawer right next to the condoms.”
“WHAT?”
Jonathan wrinkled his nose. “I know that’s what I thought. I don’t EVEN want to know. Yuck.”
Fred pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, Jonathan, I don’t care about that right now… well I kinda do… but I really don’t. Did Dad say you could take that money?”
“Well I don’t think he wants his children to starve.”
Had he lost his freaking mind? Fred threw his arm out and flailed it towards the kitchen. “Are you kidding me? There’s tons of food in the fridge! Oh. My. God. We could have made pancakes or something if you really wanted something cool to eat.”
Jonathan grinned. “Awww, come on, you know pizza is tons better than pancakes. Anyway, we can hide the boxes as soon as we’re done.”
“WITH FIVE?”
“We’re growing kids, I bet Jana can eat two by herself.”
“JONATHAN! THEY’RE GOING TO KILL US!”
“Oh, lighten up Freddy,” Jonathan sighed as he went into the kitchen. “We just can’t get caught that’s all.”
“NOT ON MY WATCH!” Freddy howled and he balled his fists and charged into the kitchen. Wasting no time he grabbed the boxes, yanked the piece of pizza in Jana’s hand from her and stuffed that in the open box. He then carried the stack to the back door where he intended to toss them into the garbage. “We’re throwing all of this away. We’re not eating a slice!” He was sick of getting in trouble. He was sick of goblins and wizards messing up life as he knew that he was not going to let his own siblings continue to wreck the rest of his life!
“Freddy don’t do it!” Jonathan cried, looking pale and frightened for the pizza.
“Freddy stop!” Jana howled. She was already red faced and shiny as preceded any fit she threw.
“I’m throwing it all away and don’t try to stop me!” Fred declared.
“But Freddy!” Jana whimpered. “I’m dying to death of not eating!”
“Tough.”
As Freddy
fiddled with the door knob Jana then laid the real bomb. In her best pout she
peeped, “But Freddy what about the children in
Fred glared
in exasperation. “Starving children in
She sniffled. “But how would they feel if they knowed you threw it all away!”
“CHRIST ON A STICK!” Freddy howled and he turned and carried the boxes to the fridge and shoved them onto a shelf. He slammed it shut and glared. “Fine, then eat cereal or toast or something. But neither of you are getting this pizza. You hear me? I don’t care if you beat my butt down, Jonathan, you’re not getting a slice!”
Jonathan’s eyes widened.
Jana gulped. “Jonathan please don’t kill Freddy. He’s my brother and I love him!”
“I’m going to watch television.” Jonathan replied and he left the kitchen. “Come on Jana.”
“Mommy said we can’t watch the History Channel Jonathan!”
Fred rolled his eyes and he opened the fridge and looked at those beautiful steaming boxes of pizza. His stomach roared. But he refused to take a slice. How were they going to explain this to Mom and Dad? Stealing money, buying pizza? Maybe if they see that not a slice was eaten, the punishment wouldn’t be as harsh as it could be.
Fred sighed.
“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Jana squealed. “That monster bit that guys head OFF! LOOK AT THE BLOOD! EWWWW!”
Fred scowled…wha?
He ran into the living room. “What are you watching?”
“Summer of Slaughter, a group of lustful teens crash on a deserted island run by cannibal mutants!” Jonathan replied.
“They can show that on regular television?”
“Nope,” Jonathan sniffed. “It’s on HBO slasher night.”
“HBO? Didn’t Mom put the parental locks on?”
“Pfft,” Jonathan snorted. “The code is the day Mom and Dad got married. Easy.”
“YOU UNLOCKED IT?” Fred wanted to rip his hair out by the roots. “NO! NO! You turn those locks back on right now! I swear to GOD Jonathan you better put those locks right on!”
Jonathan turned off the television. “Fine if it means that much to you, see we won’t watch anymore television.”
Fred felt his heart throbbing, his lungs were pulsing, his head felt light and he wondered if that weird numbness in his left arm was preceding a heart attack or maybe he was just overanalyzing his horror. Nevertheless, he was sweating through his pants and armpits. “The locks Jonathan. Put on the locks.”
Jonathan blinked. “I…don’t know how.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” Freddy screamed and he ran and grabbed the remote control and put it on top of the television. “NO TELEVISION! NONE!”
Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Don’t have a cow, Freddy. Damn.”
“YOU SAID DAMN!” Jana giggled.
“DON’T REPEAT THAT!” Freddy snarled, nose to nose with Jana and he was almost certain that her hair blew back with the wind of his anger.
Jana gulped loudly. “I’ll go play upstairs.” She squeaked.
“Yeah,” Freddy frowned. “You do that.”
Jana wasted no time in running upstairs and Fred ran his fingers through his sweaty hair. “Jonathan I really don’t…”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jonathan grumbled. “I get it. I get it. You’re Mr. Play-by-the-rules now. Whatever. I’ll go practice some stretches downstairs. Okay? I’ll get out of your hair. BROTHER.”
Jonathan made a big show of sighing and walking as if he’d been betrayed in the worst of ways. Freddy’s top lip curled and he closed his eyes. Wow, his siblings really sucked! It did feel good to suddenly have Jana and Jonathan genuflect to him; at least someone was finally getting some sense into their stupid heads.
With a groan he grabbed the remote control and turned it back to the hockey game. The second intermission was on and Freddy gnawed on his numb lips as he watched stats and scores from around the league. There wasn’t a way to hide the pizza and the parental lock situation. Fred would now have to calculate that into the punishment already being served. He curled into a ball on the couch, his stomach growled and grumbled through most of the third period. Joe Sakic and Alex Tanguay put in two more goals and Dad made a ton of good saves that Freddy couldn’t appreciate because he was frankly quite terrified of the scene that would unfold when Mom and Dad came home. God why couldn’t they have at least left them with a capable babysitter? Why the hell did they think they could trust JONATHAN to take care of them?
He closed his eyes.
He began to drift.
Locker room interviews were being conducted when the overpowering spicy sweet smell of Mom’s perfume woke him up. And this wasn’t like that whiff that one had the really sniff to get a catch of on Mom’s wrists and neck, this was a sickly flooded assault on the nostrils. Stretching, yawning, he got off the couch. “Mom?” He looked around, didn’t see Mom or Dad anywhere, but that reek hung in the air.
He sneezed. “Mom are you here?” He followed the stench up the stairs where it became even more powerful, and his heart began to sink. “Mom?”
“Lookit MEEEE!” Jana giggled and she danced out of Mom and Dad’s room, tottering in Mom’s heels, with one of Mom’s best dresses hanging off her little body, dripping in Mom’s jewelry, in one of Mom’s sun hats and drowned in no doubt, an entire bottle of Mom’s most expensive, and favorite perfume. “I smell like MOMMY!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Fred screeched and he couldn’t
help himself. He pounced on his evil, horrible, demonic little sister and he
picked her up, held her high in the air and shook her. “WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU’RE DOING YOU
“WHEEEEEEEEEE!” Jana squealed.
“Hey, Freddy, this is awesome, did you realize that Dad had hockey cards from like 1940, I mean his dad was a little kid back then! Isn’t that crazy?”
Still holding Jana, Fred felt his intestines tighten to knots and he slowly turned around. “What…” he whispered. And the impossible had indeed happened. Jonathan was standing at the top of the stairs, holding onto a binder full of Dad’s most precious hockey cards that were never to leave the SPORTS ROOM much less the DRAWER they were stored in. “What are you doing….”
“I mean this is some cool stuff Dad has.” Jonathan said, flipping the pages, “I mean most of these guys are dead and…”
Freddy dropped Jana who scrambled to her feet and darted down the stairs.
“HAVE YOU GONE SUICIDAL??????”
“What?”
Freddy leaped forward and ripped the binder from Jonathan’s hands. His butt already felt skinned and raw in anticipation of the belting they were most surely going to get because of this. He ran with the binder, cut through the kitchen, through the guest room and into the sports room. He’d hoped that he could just put the binder back where it belonged but stacks of them had been emptied from the drawers and laid around the room. This…was more than a disaster.
Fred almost burst into tears but he swallowed them and they dissipated into angry steam. He started by putting the color coded binders into the drawers with corresponding colored stickers. This at least seemed to be working out. It took only a few minutes to get the binders back in the drawer and he closed it, realizing that he didn’t have the key to lock them in. Grrrrrr…
Fred stormed upstairs, passed Jana in the kitchen and went up the stairs were Jonathan seemed to be waiting for him. “Give me the key, Jonathan.”
“I don’t want to.”
Fred pursed
his lips. “I SWEAR on the grave of Rocket Richard I’ll kill you Jonathan! Give.
“No!”
Fred acted swiftly. He delivered a swift box to Jonathan’s right ear. His brother fell into a whimpering pile onto the carpet and Fred dispassionately rifled through Jonathan’s pockets and found the key. He ran it downstairs and locked the drawer, ran back upstairs and dropped the key into Dad’s top dresser drawer, taking a moment to double take the box of condoms. EW!
Freddy shuddered. This was all Jonathan’s fault.
He stepped over his brother’s still whimpering body to go downstairs. He needed to get Jana changed and in the bathtub before any further…
Just then the front door opened…
Oh…shit…
“Merde! What is that stink!” Dad gasped.
Mom’s face crumpled. “It smells like my perfume.”
Freddy gulped.
Mom met
Freddy’s eyes and he could see the beginning of her anger. “
“You wanna know what happened?” Fred replied, making a fist and shaking it. “You wanna KNOW what I’ve just gone through WOMAN?”
“Fred!” Dad barked.
“I’ll TELL you what HAPPENED!” Fred howled, feeling no fear now, just frustration and rage. “I’ll tell you EVERYTHING!”
Man, he musta really been scaring Mom and Dad because they just turned really pale and stared at him. “Freddy? Baby? What’s wrong?”
“THEY’RE WRONG!” Fred snarled. “ROTTEN TO THE BONE!”
“YO HO! WO HO! A PILOT’S WIFE FOR ME!” Jana sang as she sashayed out of the kitchen with an armload of overflowing root beer floats in her arms. Within the instant, the little girl seemed startled by Mom and Dad and she stepped on the hem of the dress and flew face first onto the creamy floor, smashing glasses and pouring ice cream and root beer everywhere.
Fred pursed his lips and looked straight at his stunned parents. “If capital punishment is an option, Mom, I accept the terms of your deal. I surrender.”
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