Peter woke up thinking he had been dreaming at first. He heard a woman
sobbing quietly. He opened his eyes and he could hear Josefina crying. He sat up
in bed and peered in the darkness, finally seeing her form across the room. Her
back was against the wall, her knees pulled up to her body, her face in her
hands. It was almost scary how she was crying it was so
frantic.
“Josefina,” he whispered.
She didn’t seem to hear him. Peter ran his tongue nervously over his lips
and he looked out of his window. He could see at least an inch of snow piled on
the sill, he could see it still swirling in the ghostly glare of the
streetlights outside. He could even feel the dry crisp bite of it in the air in
this room. Things were getting colder, and her sobs were getting
louder.
Peter slid off the bed, holding the sheet around his naked waist and
grabbing the thick goose down quilt in his hand. The floor was cold on his bare
feet, sending a shock of air up to his spine.
“Jo, sweetie,” he said louder this time when he was near
her.
Her sob turned into a gasp and she looked up at him. “Peter!” she said
with a sob. “I’m so sorry!”
“For what honey?” he asked and he sat down on the floor next to her,
wrapping the warm blanket over her body. “You haven’t done
anything!”
“I’ve done EVERYTHING!” She wailed. “Peter I’m so
sorry!”
She began to cry louder and she pressed a wad of tissues to her nose,
blowing and whimpering. Peter didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t irritated with
her; in fact he felt so much pain inside himself that he was afraid of even
breathing. What could have happened to make her cry like this? Should he touch
her? Should he say anything else to her? He leaned over to her and kissed the
side of her face and that only made her cry harder.
“Come on,” he whispered. “You can’t just sit here.”
She didn’t fight him as he slipped his arms around her body and lifted
her up into the air, holding her close. “Oh Peter don’t!” she
said.
“You need to sleep,” he murmured and he rested her body gently onto the
bed, sliding in next to her and hugging her. “You can tell me in the
morning.”
When Peter woke up he found the bed cold. He yawned and pulled on a pair
of sweatpants and slippers. “Jo?” he called out and he found her in the living
room, she was sitting on the couch again, gazing out the window at the building
tops lining the street. She didn’t even turn to look at him. “Jo?” he repeated
and he sat down feeling uncertain.
She still didn’t answer him.
“What are you looking at?” he asked as brightly as he could and he sat
down next to her. He leaned forward pressing his chin on her shoulder and
sliding his arms around her tiny waist. He saw a line of pigeons squashing next
to each other on the window ledge. “I wonder how they keep warm,” he said and he
squeezed her. “Like this I bet.”
“Peter I’m pregnant.”
In an instant a world can shatter, as easily as the thin layer of ice
that can form over a puddle. Peter felt the crack within his brain, he felt the
denial, he felt the reality, he felt the adrenaline and he felt the anger. He
felt cold. His hand was over her tummy, which would grow into a paunch and into
a belly and swell with a life he never imagined that he would create. He thought
of how her long legs looked when she was in nothing but a pair of black, silk
stockings and knew that he could never have her like that ever again. A
baby?
The breadth of his hand spanned over her tummy and he imagined that he
could already feel a fluttering of life in there and it scared him. He jumped
off the couch.
“What?!” he exclaimed trying hard not to yell. “You’ve got to be
kidding!”
Jo finally looked at him and the only word to describe her tear streaked,
distressed face was haggard. The weight of the world was squeezing her, it was
showing, and suddenly he realized that she was older than he was. Suddenly
everything seemed important, every detail was imperative.
“Peter...” she said and then she looked away again.
“No look at me!” Peter exclaimed, feeling desperate. “How could this have
happened? We’ve been careful I’ve been buying boxes of...”
“The hallway,” she said and she looked at him again. “We weren’t careful
then.”
Peter closed his eyes, now unable to look at her and he pinched his nose
with his fingers remembering that day in the hall, how sweet and smooth she had
felt to him, how new and radiant. It was a taste of something dangerous, he
couldn’t wait, and she was just as hungry as he had been and that union had been
the best. How much would a moment like that cost, he knew now. “Are you sure? I
mean maybe you’re just late.”
“I took a test yesterday,” she said. “It came positive I took another one
this morning, and it was positive. I’m pregnant.”
“But aren’t you on the pill!” Peter cried, unable to keep his voice low,
hating the high whiny edge to it.
“Nothing’s ever a hundred percent you know that Peter,” Jo said with an
irritated edge, sounding like his mother, even saying Peter with that slice in
it.
“But why!” Peter cried. “Why not!”
“I don’t know why!” Jo yelled. “I don’t know OK!”
He stood there, staring at her, almost hating her. “What are you gonna
do?”
“What am I gonna do?” Jo snapped standing up, a fist clenching. “Just
like that? You have no interest invested in this? It’s just MY
problem?”
“Well it’s your body! Right? Isn’t it your
responsibility?”
Jo blinked, her mouth tightening into a line. “I don’t know what to say
to that Peter, that really hurt.”
“Well what am I supposed to do?” he exclaimed holding his arms up. “If
you don’t want it I couldn’t stop you from getting rid of it and if you want it
I can’t really tell you what to do! It’s your choice.”
Jo rolled her eyes and turned away from him pressing her hand over her
eyes. “I just want to know how you feel about it.”
Baby cries and feet and hands! Impossible! “It doesn’t matter how I feel
about it! It’s your body!”
“I’m going to keep it Peter,” she said in a low
voice.
“It it’s distressing you so much why?” Peter asked, completely aware of
how he didn’t understand a woman’s mentality. Why did they do the things they
do?
“Because I can’t do it!” she said. “I can’t be on the street ten years
from now and see a little girl with her mother and not know if that was my
daughter! I just need to know how important it is to you?”
“No, no, no,” Peter said still not able to look at her. “I can’t think
about this right now. I just don’t need... I can’t!”
“You hate me don’t you,” she said quietly and she sat back on the
couch.
“No!” Peter cried. “Why would you think that? I mean this... Look just
cause I can’t tell you right away how I feel doesn’t mean that I hate you! I
can’t just tell you a magic answer right now!”
Silence. Peter felt it snap at him and he went to her, tried to kiss her,
but he was afraid of her now. She wasn’t his anymore, she belonged to a new
creature.
“Don’t,” she said as she pushed him back. “Just
don’t.”
Already it was taking her away from him.
“Look,” he said. “I’m not mad at you. But I just... I’m gonna be leaving
OK. But stay here; don’t think you have to run. We’ll talk about this when I get
back. I gotta go...”
She wasn’t trying to trap him. Was she? He knew that women did that to
guys like him, with babies. But he didn’t think that she would do something like
that to him. She didn’t need security like that. Should he tell someone? Did he
want a baby? What the hell was he gonna do with a baby? He wasn’t built for a
baby? What could she do with a baby? She wasn’t meant to have a
baby!
“Oof!” he gasped when the weight slammed him to the boards shining the
stars around his head and he felt the ice, cold and hard. He squinted up at
Footer’s grinning face.
“I said heads up,” Adam said. “Where the hell are your
ears?”
The whistle blew and they could hear Coach Hartley. “Don’t kill him Adam!
We have a road trip to think about!”
Peter thought about finding someone to talk to about this. He needed to
talk to someone bit then he knew what they would say. They would tell him that
shit like this happens and that she landed herself a good one. They would call
her a gold digger and other things and he couldn’t hear
that.
Shit what was gonna happen? What was gonna happen?
Maybe she did do it on purpose.
Dammit!
“Peter,” Hartley said as he passed him by in the locker room. “You lost
your roommate.”
“Yup,” Peter said suddenly remembering that Kaspar was
gone.
“Room with Modano.”
Peter scowled. “What next!” he
snapped.
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