Chapter 180: Cecile XIV—Not a Child
Sunday morning had been terrible for Cecile. She barely slept after Patrick had left her and when she finally did it was restless and full of nightmares that bled away from her brain as soon as they entered. Why had he done it?
He wasn’t stupid. She knew that much. So why had he done it? What he had done was incredibly stupid. Had she not made herself clear to him before? Wasn’t he afraid that she would scream, raise an alarm or let him have his way and then she’d cry about it later? Why?
It kept screaming through her brain: WHY?
The second she had opened her eyes in the morning, she had felt the first rush of panic. Perhaps she had dreamt it. She closed them again and remembered the burn of his hand on her skin, the burn of his breath. She remembered the intense trembling in her thighs, and hands, and the quiver in her chest. She remembered the awe stuck tone in his voice when he had called her beautiful, almost as if, as if he were amazed that she were attractive. It hadn’t been a dream. What amazed her even more was how easily he had left her. He had been easy to scare away. Perhaps too easy?
So long had she been sheltered at home. She had never had any real friends her age never been to parties, never experienced the horrors, the real horrors of what the outside world could bring her. She had always taken it for granted that older men would see her only in an avuncular fashion and nothing more than that. But she wasn’t a child anymore, was she?
Cecile wasted no time in taking a shower and at the same time she had dragged a chair into the bathroom and jammed it under the door knob. She didn’t feel safe anymore. There wasn’t a mark on her skin but Cecile felt attacked and violated. What made it worse was the fact that he had seen her practically naked. Would he think that now of her, that she slept in her skivvies, inviting and teasing?
The water did little to make her feel clean. Cecile knew that as he touched her, as he sat next to her and glared at her, she had felt a heat within her heart. It was lust. She couldn’t stop the thoughts in her mind, racing, taunting her with images of what could have happened, what she didn’t let happen. There were pictures flashing of his body entangled with her own, forcing, caressing… It was disgusting, all of it, and it was wrong. She didn’t care for him, she didn’t love him, she didn’t need him, but she couldn’t say she hated him. She was angry and scared but she couldn’t find it in herself to wish for his demise or discovery. What did that say about her?
“It’s charity,” Cecile said to herself when she turned off the shower. She leaned against the tiled wall and then wiped the water off her face. She couldn’t admit to herself that she found anything within to desire him. “It’s only charity.”
She dried and got dressed, sitting in the steaming bathroom, her emerald crucifix was cutting into her palms as she squeezed it, repeating a prayer over and over. It wasn’t the prayers they told her to repeat as a supplicant, it was her own prayer. She made them from her own heart and she found herself praying for him.
I feel the charity for him, I want him to live. I want him to see the error of his ways. The smile for his daughter is a smile full of heart rending devotion, the way he talks to his sons is the way a tender lion would. I want him to see the error of his ways. I don’t want to be angry with him because he doesn’t understand another way to be. I want him to see the good I can give him, I want him to see my example. He can’t be evil, he is only wrong. There’s a big difference in that and I don’t know if I should be the one to help him. I feel pity for him, I want him to have Your charity. Please give it to him. Amen.
Cecile opened her eyes feeling a calm blanket inside her breast now, she was feeling her heart slowed and at peace. She took a deep breath and ran her tongue over her lips. She didn’t feel scared anymore and when she saw the chair blocking the doorway, she felt embarrassed. She moved it away and sighed.
At that moment she felt a pain in her palms and when she looked at them she noticed with some worry that the outline of her crucifix was reddened and glaring at her from the white skin. There was a thin smear of blood on one of her palms.
“Stupid,” she muttered to herself. “Stupid, stupid.”
Cecile packed her bag. She had briefly thought to herself that she would leave this house and never come back. Of course that would be the simplest way to abandon this problem forever and erase the obvious temptation that she presented to Patrick. And then she remembered Danny’s smile, his eyes, his sweet soft kisses. He deserved better than her making their relationship more difficult than it was. She would be hanged rather than let Patrick’s lascivious lecherous eye chase her from the one person she adored.
It’s almost like a game, in a way. He’s trying to chase me, devour me, but I know more than he thinks I do. I can defend myself.
The worst part out of all this was seeing not Patrick, but Mimi Roy in the morning. Cecile saw the woman smile and suddenly she didn’t hate her anymore.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Michele said in that fawning, smiling, breathy voice of hers. “Ooo you look as if you’ve not had a good night of sleep? Are you ill? Was it too cold?” Her eyes had widened with dewy concern, there was a tremble in her voice and her hand was on her breast.
I’m dirt! Cecile thought. I’ve been hating you, I’ve not trusted you, I’ve looked at you and been insecure. I was certain it was you lusting for Danny and you haven’t been nearly as close to him as I was with your husband last night.
Cecile forced a smile. “No I just… maybe I stayed up too late.”
Michele nodded. Cecile resisted the urge to back away from her as the Frenchwoman lifted her chin in her fingers, peering at her exactly as a mother would at her child. “Perhaps,” she said. “I’m so sorry. Would you like some breakfast?”
Cecile blinked and held her breath, even this early in the morning and that woman smelled of Magnolia and Tuberose. It always wafted such a sleepy feeling in her.
“No it’s.. it isn’t necessary,” Cecile whispered.
Michele took a step back. “Oooo of course, is Daniel to take you to breakfast.”
Cecile smiled, there at least was a bright spot. “Yes.”
The smile was irresistible as Michele crossed her thin arms over her body. “It’s so cold outside, yes? So nice to have someone to warm you with love.”
I am garbage! Do you know what he does?
“Well then,” Mimi said, “How about I make something hot to drink. Chocolate, tea, coffee? While you wait for him.”
Cecile nodded and Michele grabbed her hand playfully. The pain was sharp and Cecile squeaked.
“Mon Dieu!” Michele exclaimed and although Cecile tried to pull away from her Michele turned her hand over and examined it. “What has happened child?”
Cecile blinked and looked helplessly at her. “Nothing.”
Michele frowned and Cecile could see her gaze directed at the crucifix on her breast. Cecile didn’t move as Michele traced her finger along the chain and pinched it, lifting it. She dropped it then peered again at her palm. “Nothing?”
Cecile swallowed. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Michele shook her head. “What?”
Cecile gasped and stumbled away from her, falling into a chair. I can’t tell her! I can’t hurt her like this! I can’t destroy a family. Why should I be the one to do it?
Michele narrowed her eyes, but not in an angry way. “If anything has happened, anything at all. Tell me. Don’t be afraid to tell me, child.”
“I’m not a child anymore!” Cecile exclaimed. “I’m not! That’s the problem!”
“Is it really,” Michele said quietly.
“Hello, Darling!”
Cecile almost collapsed when she saw her mother, heard her voice. She had just arrived at the Sakic house and her mom was the first thing she met as she walked in. Pauline was impeccable as always in a cream colored dress suit, her graying, black hair shining and pulled into a knot. She was strength, often overbearing, often intimidating, but she would not stand for a strange man accosting her within her bed.
“Mom!” Cecile exclaimed and she flung herself into her mother’s arms, squeezing her frail, bony body.
“Goodness child!” Pauline exclaimed with a laugh. “Whatever is the matter?”
Cecile swallowed, remembering that there was a reasons for mothers, no matter how insufferable they were sometimes.
Pauline put her arm around her waist and they walked together towards a coach, sitting upon it. Cecile felt her cold, thin hands as they smoothed over her forehead, brushing hair out of the way.
She had just been to breakfast with Danny. She had been smiling with him, cuddling with him. He had not touched her improperly; he hadn’t done anything out of turn. He was a clean guy, a fun guy, someone mother would love if she just got to know him. She had to know him. She had to tell her. Cecile swallowed. She would tell her now.
“Mom I have something to tell you. I gotta…” Cecile began.
RRRRING!
Cecile sighed as Pauline jumped and pulled out her cell phone holding up her finger to her.
“Yes?” Pauline answered. “Ruby… of course… NO! NO! That’s not what I said… What do you mean you…”
Pauline stood up and stalked out of the room, yelling into her cellphone. Cecile sighed again. She knew her mother wouldn’t remember ten minutes from now what they had been talking about or rather, hadn’t been. What was the use?
“Darling?”
Cecile sat
up. Had she cut off her call to talk with her? “Yeah mom?
Pauline sighed and pressed her
hands on her hips. “Darling I am so sorry but Ruby has completely bungled the
St. Saens renovation in
Cecile frowned. “Mom?”
Pauline sighed. “I’ll have a talk with Mrs. Sakic, Andrea is perfectly capable of taking over for me here for a little while. I have to go and fix this mess.”
Cecile shook her head. “Mom are you leaving?” she asked.
“I’m sorry baby,” Pauline said. “But I won’t be gone for too long, I promise. Maybe a month at most. Perhaps I’ll be back sooner. Can you do without me for that long?”
Cecile hugged her. “I’ll be fine.” She said. “It’s not like I’m a kid anymore.”
“That’s my strong girl,” Pauline replied. “I’ll see if I can get the fastest flight out of here and the fastest flight back.”
Cecile smiled and nodded.
What do I do now? She thought.
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