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November 19, 2006: Morning: I'm getting depressed. This week I didn't see enough of the people I know. I didn't go to a show up in the mountain yesterday, a show where I could have seen some of those people I know, because I thought "it's too far, my car is a travelling freezer by these freezing cold winter nights up there, past midnight (if not earlier) everybody will be drunk and I don't need that, I'm gonna pay to get in there and listen to some music I don't give much of a damn about." Rough I am, I know. And wrong I maybe was. I could have entered a bar in Annecy and spent some time with a few of my mates, them (probably) getting drunk. I didn't need that. I needed to see some people I could have talk with. I tried to call a friend, to get a chance to chat away at least 5 minutes, no answer. My social life is kind of precarious. Depending mostly upon who will be out chatting away in a bar or not. It's pathetic. I'm gonna have to learn how to invite and be invited, more. Shit. Always learning. Always keeping on learning. More and more. Shit. I'm tired. And I have no direction. I swirl. Maybe. Or my direction is invisble to my own eyes. My heart feels for it and doesn't tell me much about its on-goings. It just feels I'm not into a wall yet. Keeping such a sort of diary online might be a way for/to... Affect people. In a positive way I mean. I'm always good willing, deep down. I never lie except in case of extreme necessity and even then, it's likely to be "playing on words" more than down right lying. I'm no good for politics. I may have a little thing for diplomacy though, when I care to. Most of the time, I'm naturally inclined to be rough in the face. Sorry about that. And all of this got to be read with the opening line in mind: "I'm getting depressed". If I was all joyfull gayness, I would see all this and write about it from a different angle such as: "holidays! Some time on my own just for me!". Afternoon: There are other things I mean to say. I got a call. I have to go back to Annecy around 17:30 in order to take care of some photo business that's been requiring dealing with since last april. I wanted a day off. I'm not gonna have it. I listen to Perth. Local production. Go wonder what I just wrote and deleted. What did you just write and delete and never send? Should you have sent it, it might have changed your life. I'm interested in movie-video making now. A bit from afar but I can see somehow it could get closer. And I think I know why!!! ha ha ! "I think I know! " The biggest joke! Better get movin'... |