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THE CENSORED VIEWS
One night, the editor of
Lesbian Lunch decided, while watching tv during a late night bout against
a lack of sleep, he wanted to write and maybe create something that people
would read(well, okay, at least read this far!!!) and would go, "Wow! That's
amazing!" (or probably not! Basically, he couldn't sleep and grabbed his
college ruled notebook and started writing!!!!) So a new section to the
site known as Lesbian Lunch was created.
Is it a blog? Hell no! The
editor isn't that cool! Is it an editoral section to the regular issues(okay,
it's been a long time since the Editor has actually done a new issue of
The Lesbian Lunch but this may be a step closer for him to begin creating
new issues!)? Maybe. Sure the hell isn't a diary as we already have that
on the site!!!!!! Okay, its an attempt by the Editor to get his creative
juices flowing and create some new and exciting while waiting for inspiration
to hit him and create a new issue of Lesbian Lunch with such storylines
as "THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE BRAD PITT AND JENNIFER'S BREAKUP! BRAD
'S SECRET DATE WITH RICHARD SIMMONS!!!" (We all knew it was going to come
out in public sooner or later!!!!)
Anyways, this has gone on
long enough. Read on the right, the censored views(the Editor has a group
of lesbians with tasers in case he goes tooooo far!!) and hopefully some
day, a new issue of Lesbian Lunch will come out!!!!
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THE EDITOR WATCHES
LATE NIGHT TV
It happens to the best of us. Can’t sleep,
don’t feel like cruising the Internet at 5am looking for nude pictures
of Delta Burke. So, what do I do? That’s right, I turn on the television.
300 or more channels of entertainment at my command!! Whoohoo! I hope and
pray to the great gods of television programming that there will be something
on! And ooooh Great Gods are there things on!
Infomercials!! Glorious and wondrous products
nobody in their right mind could ever want! Right? Oh I spoke too
soon!!! You got a problem with your sex life? Your technique blows
everything? Your lover actually hates you because you can’t do it right?
Well my friend, Better Sex videos might be able to help. Or maybe not.
I watch as “Real People” tell me how my sex life could be made better by
watching videos, sex techniques acted out by real life people. Yes, there
are 3 tapes in the collection. Basically you’re going to see such
things “acted out” such as well, things you would see in a regular porn
tape but wait, this is educational!! According to “A real couple”, you
will learn from watching these tapes!! Isn’t that wonderful? No? Damn.
You may be better off to learn techniques
by watching “Girls gone Wild!” Hey girls, flash your boobies!!! Flash them
for the whole world to see!!! Well okay, maybe that technique works well
for the creators of the series. All it gets me is drinks thrown into my
face and slapped. Whoohoo! Free drinks and some “physical action”! I can
only imagine the pride of the parents’ of these “featured girls” flashing
the whole world. I bet they’re so happy that they took out a second
mortgage to pay for their sweet, sweet girl’s education after seeing her
rolling in a big pool of soapsuds with another proud parents’ girl on a
infomercial. Of course, the little ~censor~ bar covers her private parts,
unless you buy the tape. Then brothers and sisters, you can see the action
without the little ~censor~ bar covering her private parts. Isn’t that
great? It’s not! What are you? A Communist!?!
Okay, I turn the channel. Look everybody!
It’s the Magic Bullet. If I can’t get laid by horny college girls or porn
stars showing me their sexual techniques, well brothers and sisters, I
can at least eat some good food!!! Mmmmmhmmmm!!!! Look, I can make
chicken fajitas and nachos!! Life doesn’t get better than this! Or
can it? I turn the channel again. It’s the Foodsaver! Vacuum pack
it baby!! It’s almost a religious experience! No freezer burns!!
Wait! I don’t have a freezer! I’m depressed now. I turn the channel.
Oh yes, an antidepressant commercial. Doctor Rob Servo, PhD recommends
it! Who is Doctor Rob Servo, PHD? He’s a doctor for god sake! He
must be right! Of course he is. The side effects? Nothing major, just heart
attacks, liver failure, and bouts of suicidal thoughts and of course, sexual
side effects.
I turn the channel once more. Look!
Hooked on Phonics! Your child can’t read? Buy the program. A super
model, or she was once a super model, is telling how her children couldn’t
read and then she got the Hooked on Phonics program and it worked for her.
Isn’t that great? It isn’t? Crap. Back to the Sex Techniques. Maybe, if
I’m lucky, I may use my new found techniques to produce some children to
use the Hooked on Phonics program! What do you mean I have to take the
condom off for that? And no anal? You are a Communist! POLICE!!!
Maybe, I think as I change the channel
again, The Gazelle will help me lose weight. Tony Little is offering it
for $14.95 for 60 days and if I’m not completely satisfied with the product,
I can return it for a full money back refund! 6am must be lose weight
fast hour. A 50-year-old woman with the body of a 20-year-old porn star
is featured on one infomercial. If she can get a body like that, couldn’t
you? She has a body men want and women desire. No wait, flip that.
Where’s my credit card? I must order now. Time is limited! Oh crap, my
credit card is maxed out! What am I suppose to do? Susan Lucci says I could
look better with Rejuvenator! Oh, I want a more youthful look with crystal
action! Come on, where the hell did I put the checkbook?
Wait, what was I talking about? Gunsmoke
is on now. Charity is going to Abilene. She wants to see the world. I do
too! You go Charity, go see the world! I’m think I’m going to go to bed!
Goodnight.
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