ISSUE THREE VOLUME ONE

MONDAY OCTOBER 14^TH, 2002

ISSUE THREE, the big three, the one that should have gotten away but didn’t.  Gosh, I feel like singing, doing a song and dance, maybe having sex(with midgets in drag!!!!!! OH YEA!!!)  We, the underwriting staff of The Lesbian Lunch sat down during three or four days(okay it was more like three hours but damnit, it seemed like days!!!!!!!) and we pushed, we pulled, we grunted and then we got off the toilet and wrote this, the third issue!!!! Aren’t you glad we did?? You’re not??? Well bite me!!! Anyways, you will note that we didn’t steal any flashy headlines from any tabloid rags....instead.....we made up our own and damn do we feel proud...I mean....JERRY FALWELL COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET....the interview that is shaking the world to its knees comes out where??? That’s right....Lesbian Lunch. We sat down with the famous preacher of the religious words who has been making world headlines lately over his comments on the Muslim faith. We decided to call Falwell at three in the morning one day and ask him questions, this is the result.  We know you will be glued to your computer screen with the following interview, which, we COULDN’T MAKE UP.  Bet you’re wondering why didn’t the National Enquirer get this interview....because they don’t have the free time nor the resources(namely a drunken editor with a fetish for Southern Televangelist in drag....oh yeah!!!!!!) so on with the show......

....JERRY FALWELL COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET....THE INTERVIEW......

One night the editor of this little zine decided to interview Jerry Falwell. We tried to get someone important to do it, you know, like maybe Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, or even Larry Flynt but they we’re all too busy or at least that’s what they told us. So who did we get to interview Jerry??? Why none other than the Editor himself, our own Victor Cross!!!!!

VICTOR: Hi? Is this Mr. Jerry Falwell?

JERRY: Uh? Hello? Who is this? Do you realize what time it is?

VICTOR: Okay, our first question is, are you a closet homosexual?

JERRY:  AM I A WHAT?

VICTOR: We’ll take that as a yes!! Next question, do you like to lick the eel?

JERRY: DO I WHAT? Who is this?

VICTOR: Another endorsement for us!!!! Okay, third question........do you smoke weed???

JERRY....

At this point the phone goes dead, as if it was hungup, we redial the number.......and it keeps ringing.....and ringing.....and finally.......it answers and goes dead once more.....we dial the number again, sure in ourself that Jerry will answer the phone and we can ask that question that everyone wants to know.....he finally answers the phone......

JERRY: Listen, I don’t know who this is or how in God’s good name you got my number but if you don’t stop, I will call the police......

VICTOR: Okay, we we’re interrupted but hey.......our readers would like to know, DO YOU SWALLOW ON THE FIRST DATE??????

JERRY....

Again the phone goes dead so we decide to get dressed or at least put on some underwear and show up at Jerry’s home and ask him in person(that and get some pictures of him standing next to our editor dressed up like TinkyWinky holding a copy of the Koran...something we could send in our yearly Christmas card!) We knocked on his door for a few minutes and then heard the sound of approaching police cars...we quickly vanished into the night. We believe one of his “conservative” neighbors may have called the police mistaken us, in our native(native of nudist colony!!!) costume.   We tried once more to reach Jerry by phone but strangely his number had been changed to unlisted and our crack team of investigators(a drunken hacker) could not find the information...........

IN OTHER NEWS

Flash...this just in, nobody was shot today in downtown Wanga Panga South Carolina.

Also nobody even knew there was a Wanga Panga South Carolina, well there isn’t really but the editor needed a filler story, and this was all we could come up with! Pathetic I know.

Also, this just in, it seems Jerry Falwell, featured in our interview above has his very own stalker.  Someone with a high pitch squeaky voice(strangely enough just like our editor!!!!) has been calling up the reverend Falwell at like 3 in the morning, acousting him with sick perverted questions about what he’s wearing and if he’s touching himself thinking about Tinky Winky. The police were called early this morning on report that a naked man(seemingly the description fits our editor to a tee!) was at the reverend’s door holding a unknown book of some origin and a costume best described as purple with a dildo sewed to the head. 

Falwell, in an interview with CNN, stated, “I believe there is some sick individual out there with a sick twisted lust in his heart for me.”  We called the reverend to ask him some more questions(our hacker friend finally found the phone number!!!!!) and all we got out of the reverend was “please ,please leave me alone, I apologized for the remarks I made about the muslims, if you want me to, I will apologize for being an antihomosexual bastard!!!!!!! Just leave me alone!!!” So you read it here first, Jerry Falwell apologizes to the gay and lesbian community. He also loves to touch himself while thinking about our editor dressed in a purple costume with a dildo sewed to the head(hey we can read between the lines...thank you CNN.Com for that riveting story!!!!!)