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ISSUE FIVE VOLUME TWO |
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Thursday March 13th, 2003 |
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Hello, greetings and welcome to another exciting issue of The Lesbian Lunch!!! I’m your host, Wink Martindale! Haha! No not really, we couldn’t afford Wink sooooooo you get me, one hopped up editor on speed trying to beat a deadline of FIVE AM to post to this site. Well, it’s 4:38 am right now so guess what, you guys are going to have to wait a few minutes before I can publish this sucker!!!! Nanner, nanner!!!! What’s going on at the ole Lesbian Lunch? Well we had a major site update. Our graphic guys, three drunken goats, were up all night recreating the front pages of this wonderful site. They also spilled a whole glass of Pepsi onto the keyboard, making it very sticky....~boo hoo hoo~ That sucks big wanton....well you get the picture!! That means our crack staff of IT (information dingle butts) will have to clean up the old keyboard after closing hours for old Lesbian Lunch!!! I know, I know, where will the overtime come from!!???? Who knows!!! What other exciting fun things do we have for this issue???? Why an interview with the leader of Iraq, Ole Whatsaface!!! And who better to call up the leader of Iraq then our ole pal Jerry Falwell. Oh I know what you’re thinking.....you’re thinking, “Self...how could a respectable ezine such as this, get a respectable person as Mr. Falwell, to call up a leader of such a country????” Well, it was pretty difficult. First we had to kidnap Mr. Falwell and tie him to a chair and then had our maid hold a gun to his head. At first, it didn’t seem that Jerry was going to dial the number our crack team of hackers found but in the end he did(well we had to hook up 1000 volt wires to his testicles but in the end, we got our interview!!!!! Also, we got a letter to put in our newsletter and its from none other than President G.W. Bush himself. FROM: [email protected] SUBJECT: HOLA SIIIIIIIT!!!!! Hello, greetings and whassup??????? I am the President of the United States of these
here Americas. We are very happy to endorse your MAJOR PUBLICATION and are
very happy with the MAJOR AMOUNT OF CASH you sent for MY ENDORSEMENT of this
Ezine. Would Bill Clinton do such a thing???? Why yes, yes, he would. Would
Saddam Hussein do such a thing??? Maybe but damnit, he wouldn’t do it with
such class as I do!!!!! I just wanted to thank you and your wonderful staff
for bringing the news to the little people. Without the Lesbian Lunch, there
would be no stories like, SPAM, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD!!! Keep it up!!!! Signed, G.W. Bush Da Prez Washington, DC Wow, what a great endorsement for our little rag. I’m so happy, I could cry!! ~boo hoo hoo~ Anyways, I’m out of here for this issue so until next time.......... |
Hidden somewhere in the deep south, Jerry Falwell calls up Saddam Hussein. We zap Jerry once for good measure before Saddam answers. JERRY: OOOOOW!!!! SADDAM: HELLO? HELLO? We shock him again as it is so much fun. ZAPPPPPPP! JERRY: STOP IT YOU BASTARD! SADDAM: WHO IS THIS? IS THIS PRESIDENT BUSH?
YOU DO NOT SCARE ME, I WILL NOT BACK DOWN! Oh what the hell, we decide, we throw the juice up and zap Jerry just for the fun of it. JERRY: JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!!!! SADDAM: YOU DO NOT SCARE US WITH YOUR BOUTS
OF RELIGIOUS WORDS STREAMING FROM YOUR MOUTH. WE WILL WIN WITH OUR FAITH AND
TRUTHNESS TO OUR WORD! For the fun of it, we hit Jerry in the face with a dead salmon that has been sitting in the sun for many days. JERRY: OH MY GOD, THAT STINKS!!!!! SADDAM: DO YOU MOCK OUR WORDS? WE WILL USE
OUR WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AGAINST YOU, IF ONLY WE HAD THEM, WHICH WE
DON’T AND YOU CANNOT PROVE ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR SOME SATELLITE PHOTOS OF US
MOVING OUR MISSILES!!!!!! DEATH TO THE AMERICAN DOGS!!!! We pull out some of Jerry’s pube hairs and giggle madly as he screams in pain. SADDAM: AHHHHHHH, MY EARS! YOU HAVE SHATTERED MY EAR DRUM!!! YOU MUST HAVE SOME SORT OF SOUND WEAPON AND ARE USING IT AGAINST ME. PLEASE STOP! WE SURRENDER!!!!! We congratulate Jerry on his peaceful resolution of the Iraq vs. the USA but then G.W. Bush calls in. We kick Jerry in the testicles, making him scream very loudly! G.W. BUSH: YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN SADDAM, YOU PROMISED ME AND MY FELLOW AGENTS A WAR. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CHICKENED OUT BECAUSE SOME PREACHER BLEW OUT YOUR EAR DRUM!!!!! SADDAM: HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYONE STILL THERE?
I CAN’T HEAR, MY EAR DRUMS HAVE BEEN BLOWN OUT BY SOME AMERICAN SOUND
WEAPON!!! G.W. BUSH: WE WILL FIGHT YOU AND ANYONE LIKE
YOU WHO HARBORS THE THOUGHTS OF TERRORISM AGAINST US OR ANY OF OUR ALLIES! NO
ACT OF TERRORISM SHALL GO UNPUNISHED AS WE BRING FOURTH JUST PUNISHMENT
AGAINST THOSE WHO BRING TERROR TO THE UNITED STATES AND TO THE WORLD! SADDAM: HELLO? DAMNIT, MY EARS ARE STILL
BLEEDING! IS THAT YOU GEORGE? I SURRENDERED!! AREN’T YOU HAPPY? G.W. BUSH: DAMN IT, NO I’M NOT, I HAD THIS GREAT SPEECH WRITTEN AND
EVERYTHING. DAMNIT, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW!!??? We decide to hang up and let the maid have some fun with Jerry and we leave the room. World War III and a quarter averted for now. JERRY: DEAR GOD PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME, I’M
BEING HELD AT 523 S. The maid shoves a gag into Jerry’s open mouth
to stiffle his screams and we close the door on another issue of The Lesbian
Lunch! |
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JERRY
FALWELL INTERVIEWS..............Saddam Hussein