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Oh my!! Read those blazon headlines!!!! Who knew that Marie was
even dating George Clooney!!! GASP! And wow, that Harry Potter kid
must be one mean motha to mow down Hillary. Sheesh. This is the first
issue of what I hope to be a long and fruitful attempt at uh, well, I'm
not sure what this is going to be about. I'm just hoping for some
search engines to pick up the terms, ELVIS ATE MY ALIEN BABY, so
that way, everyone will flock to this site like a flock of seagulls.
Also, I will be reporting the news, well okay, maybe not, but damnit, if
you want to read the REAL news, go to CNN.com and read it there, they got
plenty like......
ELVIS EATS WAFFLES!!!
NO WAY!!!???? REALLY??? I GOT TO READ THIS ARTICLE......
(AP) September 05th, 2002 Butte,
Montana
Supposedly dead but never confirmed
by anyone outside the Presley family, Elvis was spotted in Butte, Montana
at a waffle house just before day break. Eyewitnesses said he ordered the
Early Morning Riser which consisted of two eggs(any way you want em), a
thick slice of ham, two slices of bacon, two slaps of good ole American
sausage smothered in white gravy, lots of hash browned potatoes smoothered
in cheese and topped with green onions, four slices of white bread toasted
to perfection and count em, four jumbo waffles heavily syruped with sweet
maple and buttered to perfection. He also ordered a large orange juice
and a jumbo fill of hot cocoa and a fried in Mama's own deep frying lard
peanut butter and banana sandwich.
When approached to be asked why he
has been hiding for so long from the public under the assumption that he's
dead, all he could say was THANK YA MAMA. Mama poured him some more
coffee and fried him up another sandwich. And as a good boy, Elvis ate
everything that was put on his plate, including the eel.
In other news today, at a White
House press conference held on Tuesday, President George W. Bush reportly
said in answer to a question from some reporter from Fox News who we forget
their name but who cares anyways, "I'd lick the eel, if giving the chance,
I'd show the world, that George W. Bush is not afraid to lick it, to put
his tongue on the soft underbelly of the eel, no way, no how, I fully endorse
licking the eel and of course, I endorse a lesbian eskimo choice of free
expression by her opening her heart and trying to adopt an orphan from
Fargo, North Dakota. I don't care if Rosie O'Donnell wants to adopt one
either, those babies are just too damn cute, I might try to adopt one myself,
you know, maybe a boy, so he can grow up to be just like me, President
of the greatest country in all the world, that country being France!"
When asked to explain his comments,
he began frothing at the mouth and charged Dan Rather who had to beat him
off with his bare hands. A representative from the Whitehouse released
a press memo stating, "The President is truely sorry for attacking Dan
Rather and the other members of the media, but they sure the hell ain't
no Lesbian Lunch!!!!!"
Wow!!! WE are soooooo proud to have on our
team, the man who has his finger on the little phone that could launch
a thousand nuclear warheads towards any target he gets mad at....that's
right.....we have as our sponsor.....OJ SIMPSON....no wait....that's not
right........WE HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AS A
SPONSOR....no, no, not really, I can't lie to you. George W. Bush doesn't
even know we're alive. But if he did, we know he would read us for
the indepth news coverage we provide!!!!! Now Bill Clinton, former President
and all around pervert which we love, HE ALWAYS BE LICKING THE EEL!!!!!
So now that you've seen our best side, that
being our ass, what do you think????? WAIT...DON'T GO.......WE GOT
PORN....no we don't....we don't have porn....what do we have???? Uh....We've
got......INTERVIEWS.....no, no, not really, no celebrities would want to
be interviewed by a bisexual salmon salesman.......maybe George Clooney
would but he's strange in a non descriptive way. Well we got, A PAGE TWO
GIRL.....no, not really, we don't really have a page two. NO, PLEASE,
KEEP READING, IT GETS BETTER....no, no, it doesn't get better, this is
it, this is what happens to a man who lost his testiciles to a rabid wolverine
in 1989. I can't promise we'll give you the news if you give us the
finger, well I could, but it wouldn't make any sense.
Anyways, I think I'll go now.........please
come back next time.....we'll have better stuff......I promise....well
okay, its kind of that political candidate promise, I'll make it, if you
believe it and get me elected in, I'll forget about the promise I made
but will hope you forgot too.....soooooooo.........TILL NEXT TIME, keep
your eel wet and good night from Lesbian Lunch!!!!!
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