9. INT. TAPIOCA CAFE/BAR - DAY
RICH, ESTHER, HARVEY, AND MARY ARE AT THE BAR TALKING AND LAUGHING EXCITEDLY ABOUT THE STONES' APPEARANCE. RICH IS ON THE PHONE READING FROM A MENU. BOB IS PUTTING PIECES OF CHEESE AROUND THE BAR TO ENTICE MORTIMER.
RICH
Chicken ala king and cole slaw for 20.
MARY
You're going to serve chicken ala king and cole slaw to the Stones?
RICH
Check that. Make that chipped beef and cole slaw for 20.
ESTHER
(grabs the phone and the menu from RICH) Blue Plate catering? Cancel that order. Beef wellington with all the trimmings, spinach and hazelnut salad, the amaretto wild gooseberry custard, and your finest cabernet and riesling. The linen tablecloths and napkins. And the waiters in white tie. Thank you. (hangs up)
RICH
Where's my $45 budget?
MR. RYAN WALKS IN WITH A COPY OF THE SEED. HE GOES TO THE BAR.
ESTHER
Why, Mr. Ryan. How nice to see you.
RYAN
(He runs his finger over the bar. He speaks in a Chicagoese dems and dose accent.) Filty. Looks like da city gonna have ta shut ya' down. (lifts the Seed) Just when you coulda turned some real cash.
RICH
Mortimer. Now, Ryan.
RYAN
Look, I like you. So, maybe if you jus' poichase 5 tickets to Mayor Delaney's golf outin', I cun forget the many public health hazards in your establishment. It'll be 100 smacks.
HARVEY
The cost of doing business in the great City of Chicago.
ANDY PRYZBLYSKI DASHES IN WAVING A COPY OF THE SEED.
ANDY
You need polka band open for Stones? My name Andy. Andy Pryzblyski. BEST polka band!
KIM DASHES IN WAVING A COPY OF THE SEED.
KIM
(twirls) I just choreographed a delightful piece for the Beacon Street Dancers. We can perform with the Rolling Stones. It's called "Lollipops in Toyland."
RICH
I don't think the style would exactly . . .
J.B. DASHES IN WAVING A COPY OF THE SEED.
J.B.
Remember your entertaining emcee, Esther. "Guy goes to the doctor. Says, 'I broke my arm in three places.' Doctor says, 'Don't go into those places.'" (in velvety baritone voice) "And now the Tapioca Cafe and Convention Center is proud to present . . . the Rrrrrolling Stones!"
HARVEY
Convention Center?
RICH
Sure, we have a seating capacity of 125, don't we?
BOB
Subramanyan or Ear Waxx. Who's on first?
ART ENTERS DURING THE END OF BOB'S SPEECH WAVING A COPY OF THE SEED.
ART
The Who is on first? We got the Stones and The Who? Unreal, man!
BOB
No, I didn't say "The Who." I said "who"? Rich, who's on first?
RICH
I don't know.
ART
No, he's on third.
BOB
(making a mental note to himself) Rock bands really don't need a guitar player, do they?
---------------------------------------------------------------
16. INT. TAPIOCA CAFE - NIGHT
THE TAPIOCA IS FULL TO CAPACITY. MARY, RICH, AND HARVEY ARE PASSING OUT FREE DRINKS TO EVERYONE. THE HELL'S ANGELS AND THEIR WOMEN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW. THESE GUYS ARE MIDDLE-AGED OR WORSE. SOME HAVE FULL WHITE BEARDS WITH SLICKED DOWN BLACK, ILL-FITTING TOUPEES. THEY HAVE PAUNCH STOMACHS THAT CAUSE THEIR VESTS TO NEARLY BURST. THE WOMEN ARE OVERWEIGHT AND HAVE FLOPPY CLEAVAGE. THEY WEAR PEACE SIGNS, GREENPEACE BADGES, SKULLS AND CROSSBONES, AND VARIOUS CLOTHING OF AMERICAN FLAG DESIGN. SOME HAVE AARP MEMBERSHIP BUTTONS. ANGELS #3 HAS HIS HAIR WRAPPED IN A BUN. SUBRAMANYAN IS ON STAGE. HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO USE A MICROPHONE AND IT IS GENERATING FEEDBACK.
SUBRAMANYAN
I came here on llama. My country is so small . . . they not allowing two-humped llama. Only one-humped llama.
THE CROWD GROANS.
SUBRAMANYAN
(aside to ESTHER and RICH; puzzled) Killed 'em in New Delhi.
MARY
(to ANGELS' table) Perrier with a twist of lime, diet coke, and ginseng tea.
ANGELS #1
Hey, man, this is groovy, like Woodstock.
ANGELS #2
Groovy. You were at Woodstock, man?
ANGELS #1
Hey, groovy. Man, I sucked mud at Woodstock.
ANGELS WOMAN #1
That's not all he sucked, man.
ANGELS #1
Hey, man, I met Joan Baez.
ANGELS #2
Man, I dated Joan Baez.
ANGELS #3
Man, I was Joan Baez.
THEY LAUGH, THROW FOOD AT EACH OTHER, AND NEARLY GET INTO A FIGHT.
ANGELS WOMAN #2
Groovy.
Copy. 2002, 2003 Les Golden
All Rights Reserved
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