* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
* "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."
* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
* I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
* You're taking a True/False test with eleven questions. The first ten are all false. The last question asks "True or False: All of the questions on this test are false." How do you answer?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
* If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Why isn't the word "phonetically", spelled with an "f"?
* When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
* If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Do unto others---then run real fast!
* I procrastinate, therefore I will be
* I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
* I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
* My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.So I'm going to move to New York.
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
* "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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