Snakeheads and Listians, and Jareth, Oh My!!
Title: Snakeheads and Listians, and Jareth, Oh My!!
Author: Leron S. Magilner
Fandom: Marvel
Rating: PG
Archive: Ask First
Feedback: [email protected]
Disclaimer: Ok I do not own any of the already owned characters in this story.
Not the Stargate people, not Jareth, not any of them. I am not making
any profit from this nor do I intend to. I also do not own any of the
listians in this fic as they are their own creations.
Summery: The Listians must save Jareth from the Gou'ld.
Well I hope you all like this listain fic. If you still like me at
the end of it please let me know what ya think.
================================================================================
Jareth sat bored on his throne bored out of his mind.
"I wonder what my listians are doing?"
He went to grab his crystal to see if he could catch a glimpse of one
of them, preferably in the shower! He passed each one of them and
then caught sight of something that made him do a double take. A
short, fat, balding, MAN had joined the UGL!! And an American at
that! Was he gay? The thought made him shudder with revulsion. He
then relaxed when he saw the guy had a thing for someone named
Willow. He was then about to sit back and enjoy the site of Lies
getting ready to enjoy the vibrating Jareth shower head he sent to
all his listians, when Hoggle came up to him with a concerned look on
his face.
"What is it Higgle!? Can't you see I'm busy!?"
"I'm sorry your majesty but it's your swimming pool."
"Well what about it?"
"Well your majesty, it's moving and making weird noises."
"What? Oh very well let's go take a look."
Damn! And Lies was just starting to really enjoy the heated lips
option.
They arrived at the poolroom. And to Jareths' astonishment the
special rim he'd found for his pool was moving. At certain times it
would stop at one of the strange symbols and one of the seven
metal "boxes" would move down and "lock" on the symbol. Suddenly a
blast of weird looking water shot upward and splashed back down
glowing with an eerie light. Jareth bent over and gazed into
the "water", it wasn't wet! It was weird and had a strange feel. Even
more suddenly a muscular hand came up out of it and grabbed Jareth by
his shirt and another decked him right in the face knocking him cold.
The arm then pulled him into the "water" leaving a befuddled and
bewildered Hoggle to just gawk. The "water" then disappeared just a
quickly as it came with a "whoosh"!
Hoggle realized that this was real trouble. But being that he was
Hoggle instead of going to get actual help he went in search of the
listians. (Not very bright, is he folks?)
Lies had finally finished getting dressed after the most wonderful
shower ever. She had to personally thank Jareth for the showerhead.
Leron was sitting on the sofa still fidgeting nervously.
"What's your problem?"
"I'm nervous, that's all. I want to make a good impression on them. I
think they're great people and I want not to make an ass of myself."
"You'll do fine. They won't bite�. much" Lies gave him one of her
patented wicked grins.
"Oh geez! Thanks that really helped relax me! Freakin Goober! I just
hope they get here soon."
A knock came on the door.
"That should be them. Ready?"
"Not really I think I'm gonna go hide in the basement"
"Oh no you don't. You missed going to the con to meet them, and we
didn't go to all this trouble for another UGL trip here so you to go
hide away! So sit, stay, good Shmoo!"
"Fine!"
Leron crossed his arms. One guy with five women is normally a great
fantasy, but these were NOT normal women and he had no idea what he
was in for.
Through the door stepped Essy, followed by her faithful little Sith
apprentice LeeLee, (looking like twisted evil twins), Jade looking
very calm and relaxed, Dee who he swore was dressed like Austin
Powers and Emma Peel rolled into one, and Amy, Lies' evil twin who
scared him just from the rumors.
"Ok Shmoo you everyone here, sort of. Ladies this is the Shmoo."
"Um, Leron. Hi ladies." Leron said meekly, trying not to blush.
"Hiya" said Essy and LeeLee almost at the same time. They both
grasped a hand and shook vigorously.
"Hi." Jade almost took his hand off with her firm grip.
"Hello, the dog barks at the green cloud." Dee whispered into his
ear.
Leron looked at her like she had grown a second head. And then he
realized by her smile that's the reaction she was looking for.
"Hi." Said Amy as she smacked him with a cat'o-nine tails.
"Ow."
"See no reason to be afraid they're harmless. Until they really get
to know you that is." Lies said.
"Harmless my foot, she hit me with a whip!"
"You'll live."
They were all about to sit down to get better-acquainted Amy insisted
on trying to use the newbie as her own personal ottoman. Then
tumbling down the stairs came Hoggle who landed right on top of Leron.
"What the? Get off me you Sesame Street reject!"
Leron threw the little man off of him.
"Hogwart!" (Everyone)
"It's Hoggle!!"
"Are you ok?" Lies asked.
"Fine."
"Excuse me but the runt landed on me! And you�re asking if he's ok?"
"Oh Shmoo you're fine." Lies said.
"Aww poor Leron here have a drink it'll make you feel better." Essy
handed Leron a bottle.
"You didn't have that when you came in! Where'd you get it?" Leron
asked completely confused.
"I don't know you're the one writing this thing."
"Um, ok then. Thanks anyway."
"People, Hogglit remember?" Amy asked.
"It's HOGGLE!!!!!!! Listen up his majesty has been kidnapped. A hand
came out of his pool and grabbed him!"
"What? Kidnapped!"(Everyone)
"The rim of the pool started moving and he got pulled in. I didn't
see anymore than an arm. I told him to get rid of that metal ring,
but NOOOO nobody listens to poor dumb Hoggle."
"Aww poor Hoggrit." LeeLee gave Hoggle a hug.
"It's Hoggle." He grumbled while enjoying the hug.
Leron did a double take.
"Did you say big moving metal ring? Did it have weird symbols on it?"
"Yeah what of it. And who are you anyway? Your no listian I've ever
seen. And you're not the prettiest woman either."
Leron lunged at Hoggle. But Jade and Lies held him back.
"I'm a guy you smelly little twerp!!! And guys can be members too.
But the reason I asked is I think I know what happened to Jareth." A
glint shone in Leron's eyes.
Lies rolled her eyes.
"Oh boy, every time he gets that "I know something" look it's nothing
but trouble."
"Whaddya mean trouble?"
"Need I remind you of the "I know how to work the TARDIS controls."
Speech and a VERY angry timelord?"
"No. But this time I know what I'm doing."
"Oh Lies just trust him. He seems really confident. Let him have his
fifteen minutes." Amy said.
"I'm going to regret this." Lies said.
"Follow me." Hoggle started back up the stairs.
"Think Leron knows what he's getting himself into?" asked Dee.
"No but it'll be fun to break him. In I mean." LeeLee gave a wicked
smile.
They all arrived at Jareth's castle after a minor detour.
"You'll be fine it's only a scratch Leron." Essy said trying not to
giggle.
"Yea yuck it up Sith nut. That little runt with the lance bit me. And
then you pour tequila on it. Alcohol makes everything better my ass!"
"Well you shouldn't have tried to cross his way without permission.
You are new after all."
"Let's just get on with it."
"Lies, how'd I let you talk me into meeting this group. Every time
you get together some weird shit goes down and somebody gets hurt. I
should have stuck to the computer chat."
"Oh Shmoo pipe down and enjoy it. How often do you get to have fun
with five beautiful sexy women?"
Leron looked at all of them.
"Beautiful and sexy yes. Normal and safe to hang with, no."
"Here we are. Now you newbie get his majesty out of there!" Hoggle
said.
"Cram it up your crack muppet misfit! Let me see the thing. It's not
that simple. I can't believe it! It's real! It's a Stargate!"
"I don't care what it is just get Jareth out of there!" Hoggle said.
"Listen the Stargate isn't a toy. It's a device created by an ancient
race for space travel. It's been used by another race more recently
for evil."
"What's your point?"
"Well since there doesn't seem to be a DHD here and since it would be
foolish to go alone or even attempt to contact the SGC �."
Leron looked at the UGL ladies. Each he was sure had some sort of
talent, but they were a bunch of crazy, sex obsessed, Bowie obsessed,
loonies. But what choice did he have? None really. But then maybe
he'd get some sort of kinky reward for helping save Jareth. Hmmmmm�
He shook the idea out of his head and decided to just be a good
friend and help save Jareth.
"Ok, here's what we need to do. We have to sneak into the Cheyenne
mountain complex, activate the Stargate there, and rescue Jareth."
"Um, Shmoo. There is just one problem with your plan. How do we know
the coordinates for where they to him?" Lies asked.
"Easy. And no I wasn't talking to you Essy." Leron pointed at the
Stargate.
Being that this was Jareth's world and it was loyal to him had some
benefits. The seven symbols on the Stargate glowed brightly. Leron
quickly scribbled them down.
"Now the only thing I can't seem to figure out is how to get to
Cheyenne and once there how to get in."
"That's simple Leron." Jade said.
"Yeah real simple." Dee said.
"Tell him master." LeeLee said to Essy
"Quiet apprentice!" Essy said.
"Yes master."
Leron looked at Lies really confused.
"Just listen and don't ask I'll explain later."
"All you have to do is write us there." Dee said.
"What the heck are you talking about?"
"This is just a fic, you don't need to go into that much detail. It
is your story after all. So just write us at the complex. It's not
that hard." Amy said.
"Are they for real Lies?"
"Just do it Shmoo."
"Fine. Ok. Um but he stays here. I'm not�."
"Shmoo!!! Just write it!!!" (Everybody)
================================================================================
They were all hidden just outside the Cheyenne complex.
"Now that wasn't so hard now was it?" asked Lies.
"No, not really, but it's a little strange. And why didn't I just
write us in the complex or better yet at the Stargate?"
"That wouldn't make much of a fic now would it? Anyway getting in
will be half the fun. Right girls?"
"Right" all said with wicked grins.
"Goddess help me!" Leron said.
"Ok, now let's figure out how to get in without getting caught."
Leron tried to think but he was interrupted.
"We could blow something up!" Essy said.
"Good idea master, I'll grab the C-4!" LeeLee said with evil glee.
"No!" Leron grabbed LeeLee by the bra strap.
"We don't want to hurt them. They are on our side you know!"
"I could muscle our way in." Jade said cracking her knuckles.
"No!"
"We could seduce our way in. Lies and I would be great at that!" Amy
said putting her arm around Lies. Lies giggled and blew Leron a kiss.
"Sounds fun and I'd love a demonstration, but No!"
Lies and Amy pouted.
"No!"
"Well I could sneak in and find some fatigues and ID?" said Dee.
"That's the first good idea I've heard yet. I like you Dee your
smart." Leron gave Dee a wink.
"Awww your sweet. I'll be right back."
"Leron and Dee�." Amy started.
"Anyway, once we're inside we'll have to split up. Lies you go with
Amy, Jade, and Dee. You girls will find guns, Zats, Lies you know
what they are, and any other supplies we may need. Essy, LeeLee, and
I will go to the gate room and secure it. It's the weekend so the
personal is low. So it shouldn't be too much trouble. Remember NO
violence or sex. Just get in and get out."
The girls just giggled at the last comment.
"You know what I mean! Especially you Lies!"
Leron gave her a serious look.
"You're no fun Shmoo."
"Awww my poor evil twin." Amy patted Lies on the head.
"Ok, I'm back and loaded!" Dee said almost giving Leron a heart
attack.
After getting into the fatigues Dee had procured, (which took some
time since Leron being the gentleman that he is went to dress alone.
He came back to find the ladies have dressed flirting with each other
and shaking their unclothed female parts around.) they carefully and
slowly entered the complex.
"Jade please keep an extra eye on Lies. If she sees Dr. Jackson we
may not see her again for weeks."
"Dumb monkey! No donut for you!" Lies said sticking out her tongue.
The group then split up. Leron, Essy and LeeLee made their way to the
gate room, when LeeLee not watching where she was going bumped into
Teal'c. Crap we may be in trouble. "Please don't say anything but I'm
sorry LeeLee." Leron thought to himself. But that's not what left her
lips.
"Hiya big guy, you are a cute hunk of manhood aren't ya?" LeeLee said
looking at Teal'c like he was a large piece of Grade A beef.
Leron quickly clamped his hand over her mouth.
"Sorry sir, she was drinking, we're taking her back to her room to
sleep it off. She um, just got some bad news from home. Her um,
second cousin Ralph was in a bad accident. He's in a coma." Leron
said as LeeLee first licked his hand then elbowed him in the nuts.
Little Sith pest!!!!
Teal'c raised an eyebrow at Leron's smile and somewhat pained look.
"Very well, I understand, I wish your cousin well private. Good day
to you"
Once Teal'c was out of sight Leron grabbed his crotch and winced with
pain.
"That was unfair and uncalled for LeeLee. You almost got us in
trouble!"
"Why'd ya grab me? I was just commenting on the cutey."
"Essy!?" Leron looked at her for help.
"He's sort of right LeeLee and he is trying to help us after all. But
hey good shot to the gonads." Essy high-fived LeeLee.
Leron threw his arms up in frustration.
"Let's continue on shall we." Leron limped as he walked wondering if
this was all worth the injuries he was suffering.
The other group had found the armory, first aid kits, provisions, and
liquor for Essy. Jade wasn't fast enough to stop Lies from tackling
Dr. Jackson and giving him a kiss he'll never forget. It took all of
the girls to pry her off him and a similar "drunk" explanation to the
one Leron had used to calm Dr. Jackson down. He did turn a nice shade
of red though.
Leron had Essy and LeeLee cover the doors in the gate room while he
punched in all the security codes he remembered from the show. Sheesh
he was almost a big SG-1 geek as the ladies were Bowie geeks. He
suddenly felt like he belonged to something good, strange, twisted,
but good. The other ladies clamored noisily into the gate room and
handed out the gear. Leron shook his head in frustration as he
watched Essy fill up her backpack and the MALP with more liquor than
supplies. What was it with her and the liquor? Eh, at least it gave
them those wonderful drunken emails. Amy waved at Leron with a Zat in
her hand. He tried to worn her to be careful but it was too late. The
Zat fired and shot Amy in the crotch. He shook his head and went back
to the console. It was going to be a long trip.
After Amy woke up, and after a silly but futile attempt by Lies to
kiss her boo-boo, Leron began the dialing sequence. He cut off the
alarm so that nobody would hear the gate moving. As the sixth symbol
locked he ran to the gate room. The seventh symbol locked and the
Stargate came to life. The "water" shot out of the middle and shot
back just as fast.
"Um Shmooy, don't we need that device to let them know we're friendly
so we don't go splat on the way back?" Lies asked with a worried look
on her face.
"Well since we can't let them know we've been here, I�ve come up with
two alternatives. One we dial Jareth's gate or two I just write us to
safety. But we can figure that out later."
"Well you've gotten us this far so I guess I'll have to trust you.
Anyway it's only a fic."
"Yeah you're doing great you cute kicked puppy you." Amy said smiling
at Lies.
Leron shot Lies an evil glare.
"Relax Leron you really have done well." Essy said with LeeLee
nodding in agreement.
"True you are almost as good at this stuff as I am Leron." Dee just
smirked at him.
"Ok then let's go for it. When we get there be careful we have no
idea what we're in for even if I am writing this story. There may be
some dizziness, nausea, and cold but it'll pass. I'll explain how to
use the weapons and Zats' when we get there."
With that last comment he looked at poor Amy still nursing her boo-
boo and enjoying it in a weird way. Geez did they ever stop thinking
about sex. Even he wasn't that bad. They slowly all walked through
the Stargate.
After some initial disorientation and vomiting by a couple of the
girls they all got a crash course in the use of their gear.
"Ok people, let's stick together. We find Jareth and get the hell out
of here. And ladies the Jafar and the Goul'd may look like hotties
but they will kill you in a second. Got it"
Leron looked at the UGL ladies and wondered if he could protect them
all and get Jareth out. He hoped that he wasn't over his head but he
knew much like SG-1 was at certain times, he was. Oh well gotta die
sometime.
They moved quietly through the halls of what seemed to be some sort
of humongous temple. They managed to avoid be spotted by Jafar
patrols, even though some of the ladies had to be restrained from
jumping some of them.
Then they came to a large room, which Leron determined to be a larva
room. And there on a stone altar completely naked was Jareth. He
looked dead but Leron knew he was only unconscious. He had to
threaten the girls with a Zat shot to the crotch to get them to keep
quiet. He hushed them so he could hear what the two Goul'ds were
saying.
"This one is difficult to take over. Every one of our younglings has
rejected him. Some have even been driven mad screaming about goblins, chickens,
ego, strange music, and "listians" whatever they are.
We may just have to kill him." Said a large Goul'd male.
"Maybe he is difficult but I'm sure he could have other uses." Said a
Goul'd female who stared hungrily at the sacred package.
The women had to be restrained again when she said this. Nobody
touched their man and molested him or forced pleasure on him except
them.
"Just relax girls and cover me ok? I'll take care of them and grab
Big Hair."
The ladies grudgingly agreed. Leron did not want to chance that any
of them would get hurt or worse. He went in there a Zat in each hand.
"Hey snakeheads!"
The Goul'ds turned to face him a look of astonishment on their faces.
"Nighty nite!"
And with that he zapped them into unconsciousness. He then grabbed a
sheet and wrapped it around Jareth.
"Wake up Jareth! C'mon it's ok I'm a listian. Me and the girls are
here to rescue you."
Jareth slowly woke up and without opening his eyes to see that the
high voice was not female he put his arm around Leron's neck and
kissed him.
"O my dear sweet ladies. Thank-you."
Jareth then opened his eyes to see why this one hadn't shaved her
face. And found himself staring at a man. Both he and Leron gagged
and spat and wiped their mouths thoroughly.
"You!!!! You're the new one I saw in my crystal. But I thought you
weren't gay?"
"I'm not you pervert! I came here to help the listians rescue you.
And one more thing when you get home get rid of that metal pool rim!"
Leron pulled some mouthwash out and tried to gargle the whole bottle.
The ladies had watched the whole thing unfold and just whistled.
"Go Shmoo. See you do swing both ways." Lies said as she cracked up.
"Way to get initiated Leron." Essy just grinned.
"Ok enough let's just go. C'mon J."
"Well thank-you, Shmoo is it? And thank-you my dear ladies. I owe
each of you one. Oh and Lies by the way I'm glad you enjoyed my gift
so much."
With that he turned into an owl and vanished.
Lies turned a lovely shade of purple as the others just looked at her
in confusion.
"Um, I'll tell ya later" Lies said still purple.
"Have you decided how we're gonna get outta here Leron?" Dee asked.
"Yea. I think I'm just gonna write us home. My hand is cramped and I
really see no need to drag this out to much more not for my first
listian fic."
"Ok by us." Said Jade.
Before Leron could do this Spidey and Mikey both ran towards them
looking around for something.
"Hey guys." Mikey said.
"Hey. What're you two doing here?" asked Amy.
"Oh well we asked Leron to write us in too so here we are." Said
Spidey
"Yea we're looking for that stupid little cereal stealing rabbit! He
stole my Life cereal, raving something about being finished with f#$*%g Trix! I
need my breakfast it's the most important meal of the day
you know."
"Well we better get going, Leron did promise us more of a part in his
next fic once he gets to know us better. TTFN."
"Bye." (Everyone)
"Awww that was awful nice of you Shmoo putting two people in like
that. I think you'll do fine here." Essy said with a smile.
"Yea well I do want to make friends with as many of you guys as I
can. So� anyway let's go home."
A little while later they were all back at Lies place enjoying her
strong iced tea and special warm Kool-aid.
"Um Essy you really should have let me return the hardware especially
the two Zat guns. We only needed to borrow them. I never intended for
us to keep them."
"But they're so cool!" Essy said with an evil grin.
"O boy just be careful ok? So everyone happy and relaxed now? Jareth
is home safe and sound."
"We really want to thank-you Leron. Is there anyway we can?" said Amy.
"Well I could write a nice normal thanks or a really cool perverted
thanks into this but out of deep respect for you ladies I think I'll
let your real selves write thank-you notes if the so wish. It'll make
this story more fun."
"You sure you wanna do that Leron you could be asking for it?" said
LeeLee
"Yea we tend to be dangerous when left to our own devices." Lies grin
wickedly.
"I'll take my chances."
The ladies looked at each other and grinned evil, evil, wicked, and
naughty smiles.
"We warned you!"(Everyone)
Was it to late to go hide now?
The End?
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