Sav was bored. He was at a standstill on recording. Tyler was sleeping and Paige was taking a much-needed rest. He headed out for a walk for some fresh air along the shoreline. As he walked the sounds of the waves began to lull him. He sat on the rocks and watched the waves. He was disturbed out of his reverie by the sight of a rabbit in a black leather jacket. The rabbit stopped in front of him and spoke.
"You got the time mate?"
"Time for what?" Sav asked.
The rabbit frowned at him in consternation. "The time as in look at your watch buddy."
Sav gave him a sarcastic grin. "Then you should say what you mean."
"I mean what I say!" The rabbit huffed. "That's the same thing. Forget it. I'm gonna be late for the show. You will be too if you don't hurry." The rabbit hurried off and disappeared between the rocks.
Sav watched him bemusedly his fingers working on the object in his hand. He looked down and saw a cake in the shape of a pass. Instead of their logo, it said. "Eat me". He took a bite without thinking and rose to see where the rabbit had gone. He stumbled on the uneven footing and found himself falling. Gravity seemed to have forgotten it was a law and looked the other way as Sav descended through a dark… something.
Through the dim light, he noticed shelves lined the passage. He picked out a bottle on his way by and looked carefully at the label. It didn't seem to be poison, and it didn't have an expiration date. In fact, the only thing the label said was "drink me." He didn't. It was too early in the day to be drinking, he thought.
He landed with a gently thump, just in time to see the rabbit disappear through a door at the end of a long hall. For the first time he noticed the rabbit was bald. "Curiouser and curiouser." He muttered. Maybe he could use that drink after all.
Almost as soon as he swallowed, his head hit the ceiling. "Son of a bitch!" He cursed, rubbing his head.
"You can't say that here mate." Said a voice by his knees. "It's racist and we're run by caucus here."
He looked down and saw a strange birdlike creature looking back up at him. "Excuse me?" He said politely.
The bird smirked. "Why did ya fart?"
Sav could barely see his feet by now and he was hunched over to keep his head from pressing on the ceiling. He wondered if he was having flashbacks after all this time. "I was looking for a bunny." He explained.
"Ah yes!" The bird hitched up its pants with a knowing grin and winked. "Aren't we all? I'm a bit of a playboy myself." The bird exhaled on its long feathers and rubbed them on its chest proudly.
Sav decided this conversation was going nowhere fast. He found his fingers on the crumbling cake in his pocket, and nibbled on it nervously. As he found himself able to stand straight, he looked more closely at the bird and noted its intense blue eyes and soft straight feathers that adorned its head.
"Let me show you to the stage mate. You can see lots of bunnies from there, birds too if ya know what I mean." It winked again conspiratorially.
He followed the bird down the hall trying to explain what he'd meant, but the bird didn't listen, and hurried ahead of him. By the time he reached the door, it slammed shut behind the bird. He reached for the handle a bit miffed that the bird had done that, but found it locked. "What the fuck?" He said softly.
He turned in frustration and was about to retrace his steps, when he saw a very large nightstand made of glass. He looked up and saw a key, well out of his reach on the table. He looked at the bottle mysteriously back in his hand and remembered how it worked. Looking back at the key, he decided he had no choice and opened the bottle. With tiny sips, he brought himself to the height of the table and got the key. He turned to the door and realized he was much too big to fit through it. He dug the last of the crumbs from the cake out and munched on them hoping it would be enough.
It was a squeeze, but he got the key into the door and made his way through. As the door slammed shut behind him, he saw this wasn't the stage at all though. It was a garden with a path leading away into the woods. He turned to go back through the door, thinking he'd taken a wrong turn. His head must be muddled from the drink. He knew it was too early to be drinking!
But the door was locked.
"Shit." He turned and proceeded down the path to see where it led.
As he entered the forest, he began to see what it was like to be an insect. Tall fronds surrounded him, and if he looked way up, he could see fluffy white round trees, with wispy leaves all around the tops. Occasionally these leaves floated down like feathers on the wind. He sneezed when one landed next to him.
"God bless you." Said a mildly amused voice.
He whirled to see who was speaking. There on a large mushroom sat a caterpillar with an easy smile, smoking a hookah. Sav looked in total surprise at it, having no idea how one addressed a caterpillar.
The caterpillar removed the stem from its mouth and laughed. "Its not illegal mate. Just tobacco."
Sav stared in astonishment. "I, um, I was supposed to be going to the stage, but I think I got turned around somehow." He stammered.
The caterpillar shrugged, brushing his curls out of his brown eyes with one of his right arms. "One good turn deserves another eh?"
"I beg your pardon?" Sav said feeling confused and knowing being polite was the only way out.
The caterpillar laughed again. "You don't have to beg mate, save that for Paige. I'll give ya the directions." He pointed to the left. "Down that way lies the greenroom. I think there's a meet and greet there." He pointed to the right. "In that direction lays the dressing room. I doubt there's anyone there though. Doesn't really matter which way you go. Either way is madness." With that, he slunk off the mushroom saying. "The left side makes you bigger, the right makes you smaller. Can't imagine why you'd want the right, just give you a bigger inferiority complex in the showers."
Sav stared after him wondering what the hell he meant. But remembering his experiences earlier, he thought it might be a good idea to take a bit of each. It seemed here you never knew when you may want to be able to change your size. He stretched his arms as far as they would go around the mushroom and tore off a bit of each side. As he put the pieces in the correct pockets, he repeated. "Left bigger, right smaller."
He headed off down the left path thinking he should get to the meet and greet quickly, then he would head for the dressing rooms later.
As he found the clearing, he was greeted with the sight of a massive table set with various munchies and a huge teapot in the middle. He could tell he was late by the many dirty dishes around the table. Clearly most of the fans had departed to find their seats. At the head of the table sat a large Kangaroo, complete with boxing gloves and enormous hind legs. Atop its head was a ridiculous hat reminiscent of the American TV show Blossom. Under the hat were two piercing greenish eyes.
"Finally!" The Joey said. "Jesus I thought you'd never fucking make it. I want you to meet my friends." He gestured grandly to the reddish hared bunny at his side. "This lovely lady is the envy of all that see her." He motioned to the light furred mouse hiding behind the teapot spinning about in her chair. "And that one is named Liz. I imagine she's quite dizzy by now. Have a seat mate!"
Sav surveyed the wreckage. Almost all the places were a mess, spilled drinks, leftover half eaten food everywhere. An orange Tiger gestured to a seat near her and poured him some tea in a lipstick stained wine glass, with an evil smile. A pretty bird leaned in and said softly. "Care for some more Sugar?"
Sav considered the wording. This was all too weird. But his reality soaked mind had to do something with all this and logic prevailed. "I can't have more if I've had none yet." He pointed out.
"You can always have more than none." The mouse pointed out.
The tiger leaned in close. "We can show you more luv."
"Yes." Cooed the bird eyeing the place next to the Joey. "But I'd rather have him pour me all over him."
The mistress Red Hare watched them, not liking this turn of event at all. "SWITCH!" She yelled, giving the others a turn reluctantly.
Everyone moved down one seat leaving Sav in the seat recently vacated by the mouse. The poor thing was so dizzy by now that she'd spilled her tea all over the chair and Sav wasn't going to sit there. He stood and addressed the table, brushing his hand over his hair quickly. "I have to go get ready. It'll take me a while to fix my hair and all."
"It wants cutting anyway." Muttered the Joey.
"Oh NO!" Said the tiger. "The queen of hearts would be very upset!"
But the bunny just smiled. "Do what you wish with it love."
He thanked her and made to leave, and as he left her heard her words floating behind him with tinkling laughter. "Just call me Switzerland."
He walked back down the path in the direction of the dressing room wondering if everyone here was mad, or if he had just gone completely insane. He also thought it was odd that he didn't think it was odd that Phil was a bird, or Rick a Caterpillar, or Joe a Kangaroo for Christ's sake. He ran that thought back over his head…
He didn't think it was odd that he didn't think…
What the hell did that mean?
Yes, he was going mad too. He should never have eaten that cake or drank from that bottle. He'd given up the drugs long ago. Now here he was with fucking SHROOMS in his pocket. If he ever got out of here, he might have to think seriously about rehab.
The path led him to the end of the forest and into a large open field. He heard voices. As he crested a rise in the path the voices came closer and he was greeted with the sight of two women. The women were dressed in identical clothing, jeans and DL t-shirts. Each woman had a solid grip on one of his pairs of jeans and were obviously fighting over them.
"They're mine! I saw them first Tweedle Jean!" Ranted the first.
"NO! They're mine! I called dibs Tweedle Lady!" Yelled the irate second.
"Why don't you just tear them in two and forget the fight." He said calmly.
They turned on him slowly, dropping the pants and staring.
"I mean they're just going to get shredded if you keep that up right?" He pointed out.
The one on the left shook her head. "I'm his biggest fan, therefore I will fill his pants better." She said with the air of someone who wore the pants in her family.
"Contrariwise, I have no intention of wearing them, therefore will take better care of them." She stuck her tongue out at her twin when she thought she wasn't looking.
Sav searched his memory. "If memory serves, isn't a big crow supposed to come take them from you anyway? Why not just end this now before you both lose them?"
Tweedle Jean sighed. "He's right. We need to end this."
Tweedle Lady frowned. "Contrariwise, If we split them, neither one of us will be happy."
Tweedle Jean nodded. "There's nothing for it but to fight."
Much to his surprise, the contrary Lady agreed. They dropped the pants and began putting on an odd assortment of pots and pans, tying them to their bodies in a parody of armour. He watched in amusement torn between wishing his fans wouldn't fight, and a warped desire to see who won. Unfortunately he couldn't stay. He had to get ready for the show.
He cleared his throat to get their attention. "Before you start, is this the way to the dressing room? I have to get ready for the show and I'm running a bit late."
Tweedle Jean left off with the pot she was tying onto Lady and let it fall with a loud clang. "The show? It's off that way at the castle. But you're more than late. It starts in a few minutes."
Lady smirked. "Contrariwise, if we were to show you the way, you might get there in time."
Jean clapped her hands in girlish delight. "Oh yes, let's show him the way. We can entertain him with one of our little poems along the way."
"Contrariwise, since it's a short way to the castle, we'll need our longest poem to fill the time. Which shall we do?"
"Let's do Muddled Lyrics. It's the longest."
And so they set off down the path while Sav listened to them recite. All he could think was that this was not the way he remembered the lyrics.
"Love is like
a bomb
Baby creeping
up behind
Come and get
it on
Self conscious
reaps your mind
There's an empty
chair
Who prefers
to be free
I want to touch
you there
It could be
me
Are you getting
it?
Are you getting
it?
Captured and
chained
Answer to the
master
See its your
mistake
There is no
stranger
Fit for a queen
Had myself
to blame
Boy was she
mean
Like a fire
needs flame
Are you getting
it?
Are you getting
it?
Life in the
dust
She's a slave
of love
I want and
I lust
Rhythm of love
Leavin an illusion
For my eyes
only
Animal emotion
Like a drug
to me
Are you getting
it?
Are you getting
it?
Edge of a dream
I'm all in
a daze
Thoughts so
unclean
Don't matter
anyway
Drive you insane
Enjoy the mystery
Charity or
shame
Slave or sympathy
Are you getting
it?
Are you getting
it?
Running out
of lies
Don't know
where you belong
Breathe a sigh
I did you no
wrong
Jump the moon
Was blown away
You're hurting
too
I'm gonna stay
Are you getting
it?
Are you getting
it?"
Sav stared as they kept repeating the chorus, dancing insanely, almost taunting him with the question. Finally he'd had enough of the twisted lyrics and stopped.
"Yes! Yes, I get it!" He yelled just to shut them up.
They gave him contrite looks and stopped. "Well I hope it was good for you." Tweedle Jean grumbled.
"Contrariwise,
if it wasn't, we could make some arrangements to
rectify that."
Tweedle Lady offered.
"Didn't you like it?" The first asked.
He gave her a penetrating look. "Honestly? No. They're all jumbled up and it didn't make any sense that way. I mean the words are good, but the song isn't."
"It's not meant to make sense. Who ever said lyrics had to make sense?" Tweedle Lady scowled.
"No one I suppose." He admitted. "Listen, I think I can find my way from here. Thanks very much for the song and the company though." He tried to be conciliatory.
He watched as they waved to him in a friendly manner and waved back. As he turned to head for the now visible castle, he saw them look at each other for a moment before they dashed back down the path racing to get back to the jeans no doubt. He shook his head and hurried off to the castle.
The castle grounds were teeming with people. There was a large area cordoned off in a rough rectangle. At each end of this rectangle were two huge croquet wickets. Bleachers were set up and fans were already seated there, but they seemed to be strangely flat, and well, rectangular as well. In fact, they looked a lot like a deck of cards, but they were cheering like fans, and that's all the mattered. Between the wickets confusion reigned. In the middle of all this was a stage, surrounded by the familiar scrim that hid their equipment. Well at least he wasn't late. He hoped.
As he approached, he began to make out the chaos on the field. There were all the people he'd met on his journey here, and they were kicking about a soccer ball that looked a good deal like a hedgehog. Although they were obviously trying to play a game of soccer, no one seemed to know the rules. There were no teams, no organization, and no score as no one understood what they were doing. Through it all, the fans cheered as if at a real game or a concert. They're cheers were punctuated by an occasional scream that pierced above the rest of the mayhem. He could just make it out as he heard the woman wearing the crown scream at the players. "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"
"What the fuck?" Sav stopped, wondering what new insanity his mind was handing him.
"Madness isn't it?" Said a voice next to him.
He jumped and looked down. There was a grin. Nothing else, just a toothy grin. He looked around thinking that perhaps someone else had owned the voice, but there was no one. He looked back at the grin, noting that there was now a faint outline of shape forming around the grin.
Always polite, he said. "Pardon me?"
"Why did ya fart?" A body faded in around the grin and Sav found himself faced with a dark, curly haired cat.
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He said more to himself than the odd apparition.
"Don't you ever fart?" The cat asked.
"Yes." He admitted.
"And do you excuse yourself when you do?" The cat pressed.
"Usually." He further admitted.
"Then it's a
valid question. Here's another: why are you staring at
me?"
"I, uh, I've never seen a grin without a cat before."
"Have ye ever seen a cat without a grin?"
"Most of the time." He felt on firmer ground here.
"You British are a deprived lot mate."
Sav took a closer look at the cat and realized it was Viv. This didn't surprise him in the least considering all the odd things going on. "Shouldn't we get over there? We don't want to hold up the show."
"I dunno mate." The cat said, padding along beside him amiably. "The queen seems to be in a bit of a temper today. It seem someone has stolen her chocolate chocolate chip Haagen Daaz. She gets pretty upset when she's deprived of her ice cream."
"Now why would someone want to take her ice cream?" Sav glanced back at the field and noted the queen looked nothing like he remembered her. For one thing, she was much younger, and she seemed to do a lot of screaming and swearing. She also sentenced a lot of people to death. He was pretty sure that just wasn't done anymore.
"Probably just to piss her off. She's pretty funny when she keeps screaming like that don't you think?" The cat asked.
"Well no, not really. I mean she's killing off our audience as we speak. Can't we stop her?" He asked with some concern.
"Oh they're not really going to be killed. She's just venting. She's under a lot of stress right now with the foreclosure on the castle and all. They're just taking those people to the dungeons. They'll all be released once she gets deposed."
"Ah." Sav nodded as if he understood. "Then I guess we can just ignore her."
The cat laughed. "I can, you can't. She's requested an audience with you. It seems she's a big fan of yours. No one refuses an audience with the queen." They approached the edge of the field and the cat pawsed. He sat and began cleaning himself. "Here's a riddle: Why do cats lick themselves?"
Sav wasn't really paying attention as he watched the queen with trepidation. He wished he could deny her an audience. She seemed like a bitch frankly. "Why?"
The cat faded to nothing but a grin. "Because they can."
Sav groaned. But when he looked back at the cat, it was gone. He stared at the spot where the cat had been. As he stared, the grin came back.
"Good luck mate." He heard the chuckle as the grin turned away heading for the stage.
"Thanks." He said softly.
The queen looked up from the poor subject she was sentencing to death, or the dungeon or whatever. She met his eyes and a slow frightening wicked grin danced over her lips. He had to fight the urge to run. She crooked a finger at him and he had to go to her.
When he got there, he remembered to bow. As he stood, he noticed she was actually not bad. Certainly not what he'd expected from all the cursing and screaming. He stood uncomfortably waiting for her to speak. She took a slow stroll around him first, looking him over and nodding the whole time. The look on her face was plain. She liked what she saw.
She opened her mouth and yelled at the top of her lungs, making him jump.
"OFF TO MY BED!!!"
A man fawned behind her tapping her on the shoulder. "Ah, dear?" He said softly.
"What the fuck do you want you simpering fool?" She glared at the man as if she'd never seen him before and was going to sentence him to death as well.
The man shuddered at her words, but went on bravely. "You can't take him to your bed dear. You're married." He explained.
"WHAT? To whom?" She demanded.
"T – to me dear." He winced and ducked as if he expected her to swing at him.
"I SO am not married! Haven't been for over 10 years now. Who the hell do you think you are you miserable sot?" She bellowed.
"I'm the king love." He said it more like a question than a statement.
She turned on him, ignoring Sav now. "YOU are nothing more than a figment of his imagination you simple minded git, you smeg head, you, you piece of sh…"
"Hey!" Sav had enough. He didn't care if she was queen or not, there was no reason for her to be so unconscionably rude. "If you're quite done, I have a show to do."
She turned back to him with fire in her livid eyes. "We thank you for your time. You may go." She dismissed him easily with a wave of her hand and turned back to the man who claimed to be her husband and king.
As Sav walked away, he heard her yelling that they were all nothing but a part of his dream and if they were, she intended to be an INTIMATE part of it. He didn't care to hear any more. He just wanted to play and go home.
He headed backstage and grabbed his bass, checked the tuning, and joined the strange parade to the stage. He walked along behind the Kangaroo, Caterpillar, Bird, and Cat, past the worried Rabbit and thought seriously about a long rest. He was about to take the stage with a fucking zoo to play for a bunch of cards for Christ's sake. This was indeed madness. If this was the only kind of bookings they could get then it was time to consider their direction very seriously.
They went out on stage without the usual energy and vigor, instead everyone took their places with a certain apathetic disdain. When the scrim dropped, Sav saw why. The only person who was paying attention to them was the queen, and she was dancing around screaming "Off to my bed! Off to my bed!" Right in front of him like a hippy who put the acid in her coffee rather than Kool – aid. The rest of the audience took advantage of her distraction to run off to the safety of the bleachers, and were busy displacing the cards to find seats. They launched into their first song and he realized each band member was playing a different song, like some weird parody of the lyrics the tweedles had sung earlier. As the harmonies clashed, and the music collided with the erratic beat, Sav felt displaced and dizzy. He turned to Rick to try to catch on to what they were supposed to be doing here and found himself jogging backwards in those familiar four or five steps.
But there was nothing under his foot as his last step fell and he fell backwards in slow motion, thinking. "Not again!"
Off the stage he went and in the endless moment in anticipation of the pain when he hit the ground…
He woke to a soft thigh under his cheek and the sound of a baby crying.
Rarely do
I get the chance
Crazy as I
am
Keeping up
with sanity
Save me if you
can
As I travel,
wish and hope
Vanity invades
Always looking
in the
Glass or through
it as it fades
~ The End ~