James Bond – You Only Die Twice

 

[Interior. Kitchen. A plate of food is being prepared and placed on a tray. A GUARD, whom we follow, picks up this tray. He walks to a door marked  “Extremely Dangerous Cases”. The big lock is opened and a very long code is entered into a wallpanel. The door opens with a beep. We are standing at the top of a stair leading to a very dark basement. The guard turns on his flashlight and starts descending. We hear a voice singing “Happy Happy Joy Joy”. We can make out the face of DR DRACIP as the flashlight passes it. He stops singing and looks at the flashlight. ]

 

DR DRACIP:               AH, the food arrives. I didn’t realise it was Tuesday already. And what kind of culinary mishap can we expect today? Cervelles de Rat? Spider Souffle? Or the ever popular Maggot Macaroni?

 

GUARD:                      No, just water and bread, like you always get.

 

DD:                              Water and bread? Oh, that's just GREAT…For me to poop on!

                                    And perhaps this week you’ll unchain me so I can eat with a knife and fork?

 

Guard:                          Now, Mr. Dracip, you know we can’t do that. You lost that right when you ate that guard’s liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti.

 

DD (Irritated): It’s DOCTOR Dracip! But what about a toothpick?

 

Guard:                          Again, Mr. Dracip, you lost that right when you bit the last guard and ate his hand with some Green peas and a nice Chardonnay.

 

DD (Very irritated):      IT’S DOCTOR Dracip! …I have to go to the bathroom. Will you please unchain me, so I can eh, you know…[Evil Grin]

 

Guard:              Well.. all right, Mr. Dracip.

 

DD (Enraged):              ITS DOCTOR DRACIP, You stupid idiot! YOU are SO stupid, you WOULD have unchained me and I would have eaten your nose with some stale bread and a nice glass of water.

 

DD [realising what

he’s said]:                     Haha, that’s just my little joke… So, untie me please?

 

Guard:                          No. I don’t like you. You yelled at me. I’ll put your dinner on this table, please help yourself. [Starts to walk towards the door.]

 

[Suddenly a dark figure appears in the doorway. He makes mechanical noises when he walks and talks strangely.]

 

DARK FIGURE:          NOT…SO…FAST…

 

[He kicks the crap out of the guard and takes his keys]

 

DD:                              Allright! Kick his ass! About time someone came to rescue me! Woohoo!

 

[DF throws away the keys]

 

DF:                              CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! ANNIHILATE!

 

DD:                              D’oh!

 

[Camera pans to the top of the stairs to another dark figure, we can’t make out his features, who laughs manically as the crap is beaten out of Dr. Dracip, who screams a lot (woosie)]

 

Opening Titles for You Only Die Twice

 

Interior hotel room. JAMES BOND and a HOOKER are “getting intimate”. As this is a PG-movie they still have their clothes on.

 

JB:                               Yeah, you know, not a lot of people know this, and I don’t like to brag, but I’ve saved the world at least 19 times.

 

H:                                 Really? Wow James, tell me more!

 

JB:                               Of course, that was before my demotion. Because the cold war has ended, I was fired from M5 and I’ve become a police agent instead of a secret agent. But, oh, those glorious days. For example, if it wasn’t for me, nobody would have gotten any Christmas presents last year.

 

H:                                 But what kind of evil powercrazed maniac would try to destroy Christmas?

 

JB:                               His name was Dracip. He was one of my oldest enemies. But don’t you worry your pretty little head; he’s locked up for good. He’ll never get out

 

[Phone rings.]

 

JB:                               Oh damn. Should have knocked on wood.

 

[Picks up phone.]

 

JB:                               James Bond, Secret.. I mean Police Agent… No, I think you’ve got the wrong number. No, this is 555-007. No problem. Bye.

 

[Hangs up.]

 

JB:                               Well, I expected it to be M5 telling me that Dracip escaped. But it was just a wrong number. So, where were we?[Grin]

 

[Phone rings again]

 

JB:                               Uh-oh.

 

[Picks up the phone]

 

JB:                               James Bond, Secret..Damn, Police Agent. Mmm. No, let me guess: Doctor Dracip has escaped from our top security prison and has revealed his plan to take over the world and I’m the only one who can save us…No? He hasn’t? He’s DEAD? Boy, is my face red! So why are you calling me? Fingerprints say he was killed by ROGER DODGER? I’ll be right there.

 

[He hangs up.To H:]

 

JB:                               Sorry honey, gotta go. Duty calls!

 

H:                                 I still get paid, right?

 

JB:                               Sure, the money is on the table in the bedroom. Lock the door behind you when you leave, ok?

 

H:                                 Always a business doing pleasure with you James.

 

[James arrives at the secret M5 building; it has the following sign:

Scriptwriting for

Extraordinary

Characters and

Radical

Entities in

Top

Movie-industries.

5 Movie-industries represented!

Building]

 

[James looks at the first letters and says]: Secret M5 building. Ok, this is the place.

 

[James walks in and throws his hat unto the hatstand]

 

CHIPPER:                   Oh, that has to be James Bond! Oh James, I’ve missed you so much!

 

JB:                               I’m having a strange feeling of Déja Vu here… Where’s Y?

 

C:                                 He’s trying out a new disguise. He’s in this very room, actually…

 

[Pan across the room. Where there previously was a hatstand, there now is man with his arms stretched out, wearing a couple of coats.]

 

JB:                               Y! I’ve always thought your acting was a little wooden!

 

Y:                                 This is not a time to make jokes, James. We never told you this, but last year, after you caught Dracip, we went to pick up Roger Dodger’s dead body. Imagine our surprise when it wasn’t there! It is very much possible that Roger Dodger is still alive.

 

JB:                               But why would he kill Dracip? I worked with him, I got to know him, and I’m telling you, Roger Dodger was not a smart man, nor was he a strong man. He wouldn’t hurt a fly! Hell, he couldn’t hurt a fly! He has no reason to kill Dracip!

 

Y:                                 Your job is to find out IF it was Roger who killed Dracip and if so, what his motif was.

 

JB:                               But how? I’m only just starting at this policing business; I don’t know where to start!

 

Y:                                 Yes, I expected something like this, so I’m giving you a new partner.

 

JB:                               Whaddaya mean, a NEW partner? I never had a partner when I still was an International Man of Mystery!

 

Y:                                 What about all those women?  

 

JB:                               I only told them they were my partners so I could sleep with them!

 

Y:                                 Never mind that. I’ve found you a partner who is very close to retirement. She’s only got two weeks to go, actually.

 

JB:                               Why give me a partner who can only stay with me for two weeks?        

 

Y:                                 U calculated that is the longest time anyone can spend with you

before they go crazy. Anyway, I’d like you to meet her.

Chipper, send her in, will you? 

 

[She comes in. To our [and James’] amazement and amusement, it is the hooker from a couple of scenes ago]

 

JB:                               Nice to see you…again…

 

IM:                               Y! I’ve got to warn you, I almost arrested this man yesterday

when I went undercover, dressed as a hooker!

 

JB:                               um…

 

M:                                Never mind that now. James, I’d like you to meet Miss Make-love-to-you-now, Ivana Makelovetoyounow.

 

JB:                               [looks at her] I wanna make love to you now?! That’s your name?

 

IM:                               Yeah, so?

 

JB:                               Why don’t you change it?

 

IM:                               I did. I used to be called Ivana Have-sex-with-you-right-now-on-the-floor.

 

JB:                               I see. So how come you’re retiring in two weeks?

 

IM:                               When you’re as corrupt as I am, you only have to work a couple of month in the police force before you can retire.

 

JB:                               I guess I have a lot to learn…

 

Y:                                 Now that you got to know each other, go see U. He’ll explain our plan to you.

 

[JB and IM go to see U in his lab. The strange thing is, he looks like Dr. Dracip!]

 

U:                                 Ah hello James, Ivana. I was asked to explain our cunning plan to you.

 

JB:                               Hold it right there, Dracip! What have you done to U?

 

U:                                 No James, you're mistaken. I AM U.

 

JB [suspicious]:             So why do you look like Dracip?

 

U:                                 Well, it's a long story…

 

JB [relieved]:                Ok, never mind then.

 

U:                                 ..but I'll tell you anyway. First , have you seen the movie Face/Off?

 

JB, IM:                         No.

 

U:                                 Mm. I hoped you would have. In that movie, two men exchange their looks by plastic surgeory. WE wanted to do the same with you and Dracip so you could lure the killer. If he thought that Dracip was still alive, he would come to kill you. And that would be when we would catch him.

 

JB:                               So why do YOU look like Dracip, U?

 

U:                                 Well, since the technology is still a bit experimental, we had to try it first. And I lost the coin toss. So now we'll just have to switch this face with yours, so I will look like you, you will look like Dracip, and Dracip will look like me, U.

 

JB:                               This is giving me a headache. It feels like my head's falling off!

 

IM:                               It's very simple, really. Dracip and U changed faces. So if you and U change faces, you will look like what U looks now, so like Dracip, and U will look like you, and Dracip will still look like U.

 

JB:                               And who will YOU look like?

 

IM:                               Pay attention, U will look like you.

 

JB:                               I understand…[He doesn't] But I don't wanna look like Dracip!

 

U:                                 Well, you’re lucky there. We don’t have the funds to exchange our faces anymore, hat, with all these budget cuts. You will just have to find another way to catch the killer. Now, if you’ll follow me, I’ll give you your high-tech gadgets.

 

[They walk to a table]

 

U:                                 This is a remarkable piece. It’s iron, but it also attracts iron. It’s

great, because when you, for example, drop a box of nails, you just hold this near them and all the nails come to it…see?

 

JB:                               Wow. Cool.

 

IM:                               It’s a magnet.

 

U [ignoring her]:            We think we can explain it, this is male iron, and this is female iron, and they are attracted to each other, you see? There’s one drawback, when you hold it next to some mechanical devices, they go haywire. So try to avoid that.

 

JB:                               Yeah, all right.

 

[he plays with the magnet and the nails.]

 

U:                                 And here’s another great thing: a piece of glass which reflects

everything.

 

[Shows him a mirror]

 

JB[looking in the mirror]: Hey, I know that man!

 

U[looks in mirror too]: Of course you do, that’s me! But look what happens when I

shine a flashlight on it.[the light reflects]

 

JB:                               Wow. Cool.

 

IM:                               It’s a mirror! U, I couldn’t help noticing that these gadgets

are considerably less high-tech than any I’ve heard about. I thought secret agents got real cool stuff.

 

U:                                 Well, you know with all these budget cuts, we can’t afford any

special effects any more. But never mind that. Here’s the Piece de Resistance…

 

[He walks to a car. A big car. A Renault Goelette. ‘Nuff said]

 

IM:                               My God, you really CAN’T afford any special effects, can you.

 

JB:                               Wow. Cool. How do I fire the rockets on this baby? And where’s the radar?

 

U:                                 Well, it doesn’t have any rockets…or radar.  Hell, you’re lucky if you make it to the end of the street with this thing.

 

JB:                               Well U, I’m very thankful for all your good advice.

 

U:                                 Now, if you just go to the questioning room, there someone

waiting for you there.

 

[Interior waiting room.]

 

[There’s a nervous woman there.]

 

JB:                               Well, what do we have here? So, you wanna go to bed with

me?

 

Woman:                       NO! I’m here to testiFY not to testi…

 

IM: [Interrupting]          Let me handle this, amateur. Stand back before you hurt yourself. So what exactly did you witness?

 

 

 

 

 

W:                                Well, I’m the receptionist at the most Top Secret prison in

Britain. We don’t get a lot of visitors, so you can imagine my surprise when we got TWO last week! One of them smelled very bad and talked like he had some kind of chip in his throat.

 

JB:                               Paprika or Mexicano?

 

W:                                A COMPUTER chip. I think I saw a worm coming out of his ear. And the other one didn’t say anything. They just walked in like they owned the place, so I assumed they did. Then I went on my lunch break, and when I came back, everyone was dead, so I went home early.

 

JB:                               Did one of them look like this?[shows picture of Roger Dodger]

 

W:                                Well, I didn’t really see their faces.

 

IM:                               Thanks anyway.

 

W:                                Oh, I forgot: One of them dropped this [shows picture of Diana

Dodger, covered with dirt]

 

JB:                               Diana! My god… It COULD be Roger…But how? But why?

But when? But who? Well, Roger of course. I’m getting better at this policing thing every day. I’m gonna go to my hotel and sleep on it. Ivana, vanna come with me?

 

IM:                               Ok, I’ll come with you…

 

JB:                               Woohoo!

 

IM:                               …but only because I’m staying in the same

hotel as you are.

 

JB:                               D’oh!

 

JB arrives at his usual hotel room.

 

JB:                               Well, first I’d better call Diana and find out what she knows. Gotta be tactful…

 

[dials a number]

 

JB:                               Hello? Diana? James here…. James who?! Bond, James Bond!

Hey, I’m calling about your dead husband,… No, don’t start crying, I know it must be difficult for you, such a great loss… You’re crying because you can’t get his life insurance money, because there’s no body? I can see why you’re upset. Well, since I’m a police agent nowadays, I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse: If I find Rogers body, will you split the money with me? Ok? Fine. I’ll get right on it. Do you have something that Roger was very fond of, because I need some bait to catch him. Yes, I know he’s dead, never mind that, have you got anything? A teddy bear? Ok, I’ll have someone pick it up. Bye.

 

[Hangs up]

 

Finally, I’ve got a reason to investigate this case! Imagine, a grown man caring about some stupid teddy bear. Pfff. Well, better get to sleep.

 

[goes to sleep with his thumb in his mouth and a blankie]

 

[The next morning in James’ room. Someone knocks at the door. James puts on his robe and opens it. It’s IM with the mail.]

 

IM:                               There’s a package for you, James. They delivered it to my room by accident. It’s a Teddy bear. Men really are just like children.       

 

JB:                               No, it’s Roger's. I called Diana yesterday and she sent it to me. I thought that maybe we could use it as bait.

 

IM [impressed]:            And you thought of this yourself?

 

JB:                               Sure did. Ah, today’s newspaper. If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the bathroom.

 

[The camera zooms on the clock, an hour and a half pass, James comes out of the

bathroom again]

 

JB:                               Mmm, the Second National Bank of England has been robbed

yesterday… By two man…one of them smelled really bad and talked like he had a chip in his throat…Mmm, chips… That must’ve  been Roger!

 

IM:                               Wait a minute… two days ago, the First National Bank of England was robbed…So what better place to place a trap for him, than in the…?

 

[James counts on his fingers]

 

JB:                               Third National Bank of England! If we put the Teddy in front of the bank, he will be distracted and then we can shoot him in the back, and collect the insurance money! All right, am I glad these guns come with the job!

 

IM:                               We’d better hurry up!

 

[Outside the Third National Bank of England, James puts the bear in front of the door.]

 

 

IM:                               There. Now, hide. I’ll hide here [behind a car]

 

JB:                               But where? I know, behind that streetlight.

 

[He hides. Roger approaches, walking like a robot. A strange man follows him, with a device in his hands]

 

RD:                              Must…Rob…Bank…But…What…Is…This?

 

JB:                               There, I can see him. I’m gonna shoot him.

 

[Just as he shoots, Roger ducks to pick up Teddy, exclaiming:]

 

RD: TEDDY

 

[So JB accidently shoots the mysterious man in the arm instead, who drops his device. This has a strange effect on Roger. He starts to move erratically]

 

RD:                              Bzzzz….Error….Error…General…Protection…Fault! Illogical!!!

 

[The strange man quickly runs away. IM follows him a bit, but the man is faster and she comes back]

 

[RD approaches JB, who shoots him again and again, until his gun’s empty. RD appears unharmed, and comes closer still. He grabs JB in his collar. James fumbles in his pockets, throwing away various useless items until he finds his magnet. This has a strange effect on RD. He shortcircuits and falls on the floor, lifeless.]

 

JB:                               All right. Let’s get this guy to the M5 laboratory for an autopsy.

 

IM:                               Yeah, all right. But first to the insurance company to collect the insurance money.

 

[They drag him away, taking the device with them]

 

M5 lab. U enters with the results.

 

IM:                               So, U, what are the results?

 

U:                                 Well, if he wasn’t dead before, he sure is dead now! The

strange thing was, most of his internal organs were replaced by mechanical components.

 

JB:                               So that was why he stayed unharmed by my bullets.

 

U:                                 Right. WE analysed that device you found and discovered its function: it’s a remote. Roger was turned into a remote controlled robot!

This one makes him go forward. This one makes him go backwards. This one left. This one right. And this one is Kill.

 

IM:                               But who could do such a thing?

 

U:                                 Well, the only one who could do such a thing is…Doctor

Dracip.

 

JB,IM:                          What?!

 

U:                                 But he’s dead, so we don’t know who else could have done it.

 

JB:                               Great. So we’re at a dead end again. Like Roger.

 

U:                                 Yes. But you’re lucky, we have applied the same principal to the body of…[opens closet door]Doctor Dracip! Be careful with it's face. I want it back someday. So don’t forget, fwd,bwd,l,r,kill.

 

JB: [repeats, pressing the buttons] fwd,bwd,l,r,kill

 

[On Kill, Dr. Dracip robot activates]

 

DD:                              Crush…Kill…Destroy…

 

JB:                               Oops! Quick, give me one of those iron sucking thingies!

 

[IM throws one to James who deactivates the robot]

 

U:                                 Damn. Well, looks like you’re on your own again.

 

JB:                               D’oh! Do you know were Roger came from?

 

U:                                 Well, Mama and Papa Dodger loved each other very much,

and..

 

IM [interrupting]:          No, a secret hideout or something.

 

U:                                 Well, we found some specks of dirt under his shoes that could

only have come from this place: [indicates on map] The Roger Dodger Memorial Bridge.

 

IM:                               You mean under that bridge where Roger was killed in that

unfortunate accident?

 

U:                                 Yes,exactly.

 

JB:                               But..But..That was in Holland! We're in Brittain now, aren't we? The right side on the road to drive on is the left side, isn't it? I'm confused now…

 

IM:                               We’ll have a look there.

 

U:                                 Bye  James, Ivana, be careful.

 

JB[turns to look at him]: I will…[and walks into the door]

 

Exterior. They arrive at the bridge.

 

IM:                               Well, I can’t see anything strange here. Better go home. Case

closed.

 

JB:                               But we haven’t solved anything!

 

IM:                               I know, but we got the insurance money, so there’s no point in investigating any further. You’ve got a lot to learn, kid.

 

[They get in again and drive away. Being such a bad driver, James hits a bag standing under the bridge.]

 

JB:                               What was that?

 

[They stop, get out, IM opens the bag]

 

IM:                               What the hell… This is money…Tons of money! And its all

mine! I’m rich! Finders keepers!

 

JB:                               You mean we’re rich, don’t you?

 

[The mysterious man comes from the shadows. One arm is in a sling because he was shot in the arm by JB in front of the bank]

 

MM:                            No, Mr. Bond, she means that I am rich.

 

JB:                               Who the hell are you? Never mind, listen, we’ll split the money

with you, if you won’t tell, I won’t either…

 

MM:                            No, Mr Bond, the money is already mine… It was the second

stage of my plan.

 

IM:                               What plan? What was the first stage?

 

MM:                            The first stage was to get revenge on my worst enemy… The

man who thought he was such a genius… Dr Dracip!

 

JB:                               That man sure had a lot of enemies. So, if you  don’t mind me

asking, who exactly are you, and why was Dr Dracip your worst enemy? I’m a police officer now, you know, and we have to ask these kind of questions.

 

MM:                            You don’t already know that, Mr. Bond? Then I’ll show you,

and after that I’ll execute the third stage of my plan…

 

IM:                               Yeah, all right, hurry up will you, I haven’t got all day…

 

MM:                            My name is Tist, Dan Tist, but you probably know me by my nickname

 

[He removes his cloak, we see his face for the first time]

 

MM:                            Teeth.

 

JB:                               Teeth? But I thought you died!

 

T:                                 The man you saw dying was my clone. I saw that Dracip’s plan

could never work, so I took some precautions. You see, Dr. Dracip thought he was the most intelligent man in the whole world, while in reality he was only slightly more intelligent than you are. I was the real genius in his gang, but he never realised that. All his other henchman thought he was going mad with his Christmas obsession and the time was right for me to take over. But then you came along and foiled my brilliant plan. So, now you know who I am, I’ll  execute the third stage of my plan: the execution of my second worst enemy: Bond, James Bond.

 

IM:                               But you haven’t got anything against me, have you?

 

T:                                 No, but I wouldn’t mind holding something against you…

 

IM:                               YOU PIG!

 

T:                                 You shouldn’t have said that. I would have let you go, but now I’ll have to add another stage to my plan: To kill my third worst enemy:… um, what’s your name?

 

IM:                               Ivana Makelovetoyounow

 

T:                                 Too late, I’m not in the mood anymore after you called me a pig. But you didn’t answer my question. What is your name? Without it, I can’t complete my plan.

 

IM:                               No Teeth, that IS my name

                                   

T:                                 You’re called Teeth too? What a coincidence!

 

JB:                               No, Ivana Makelovetoyounow!

 

T:                                 There is no time for that, Mr. Bond. I’ve devised a perfect plan

for your execution, a fitting end to the most famous secret agent of M5… I will shoot you.

 

JB:                               Ehm…right here? But how can I escape here?

 

T:                                 You can’t. I told you I was the most brilliant man in the world,

didn’t I? Do you think the most brilliant man in the world would let you escape?

 

JB:                               They did all the other times…

 

T:                                 But I am much smarter than all the other men you’ve faced put                           together.

 

IM:                               You’re not a modest man by nature, are you?

 

JB:                               But…But…You can’t shoot ME!…I mean, I’m Bond,..

 

T:                                 James Bond, yes, we know. But I’m still going to shoot you!

 

JB:                               They’ll catch you, you know. You’ll never get away with this. The Police force may be slow and incompetent, but eventually, they’ll catch you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever, but eventually, they’ll catch you.

                                    Besides, you can't kill me. People will never accept it! I’m James Bond! I’ve saved the world at least 18 times! The people know that! They'll hunt you down and kill you, for murdering the most popular man in the world: ME!

 

T:                                 You’re forgetting something James… You were a SECRET agent. Nobody knows you outside M5 and my own criminal organisation : Smart Talented Unique People Interestested in Doing Improper Deeds International Organisation Team.

 

IM:                               STUPID IDIOT?

 

T:                                 Stop calling me names! So, James Bond, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

                                   

JB:                               Hah, you’ll just let me escape, they always do.

 

T:                                 Shut up. [He takes out his lasergun]

 

JB:                               That’s a small gun. Haven’t you got a bigger one? I’d hate to be blown to pieces by such a small gun…

 

T:                                 This is a laser gun. But I’ve got a bigger one at home…

 

IM:                               You can’t deny a man his last request; go get that big gun…

 

JB:                               My last request WAS going to be that he wouldn’t kill me…

 

IM:                               Shut up!

 

JB:                               …Oh I see! Yeah get that gun, we’ll wait here….

 

T:                                 Ok [Turns around 180 degrees] Wait a minute… [turns around again] Oh no! I won’t fall for that one! Now, start running, I’ll shoot you in the back. HAHAHA.

 

[JB starts running and while running takes out the mirror from his back pocket. Teeth shoots but the shot is reflected by the mirror and Teeth is hit in his good shoulder]

 

JB:                               Cool. The bullet has been reflected by the reflection thingy…

 

IM:                               Mirror…

 

JB:                               Whatever.

 

T: [gets to his feet and holds the lasergun to the head of Ivana]

                                    Hold it right there or the girl gets it!

 

IM:                               If you let me go, I promise that the police won’t come after you. I’ll tell everyone that you died and you can live a life of luxury, plotting your revenge on James Bond.

 

T:                                 That sounds ok… Deal! [He gets on his bike and drives away]

 

JB:                               How could you do that? We almost had him there, I was going to arrest him after he would have shot you!                

 

IM:                               We’ll just follow him now and arrest him.

 

JB:                               But you promised that the police wouldn’t come after him!

 

IM:                               I lied.

 

JB:                               I understand. [he doesn’t understand] But we lost him. Did you see where he went?

 

IM:                               We’ll just have to split up. I’ll go right, you go left.

 

JB:                               No, I wanna go right.

 

IM:                               OK, we’ll flip for it.[She takes a coin out of her purse] Heads, I go right, tails, you go left.

 

JB:                               OK.

 

[She tosses the coin.]

 

IM:                               Heads, I go right.

 

[JB goes right.]

 

IM:                               No. I go right.

 

JB:                               I thought this was left…

 

[We follow Ivana. She is captured by Teeth ]

 

T:                                 I knew you couldn’t be trusted! I’ll have to kill you now, so I’m going to take you to my secret hideout.

 

[He ties her up and puts her on the bike]

 

[Cut back to the place where they split up. James arrives.]

 

JB:                               Well, I didn’t find him. How about you, Ivana?…Ivana?

                                    Where are you? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

                                    C’mon, this isn’t funny!

 

[he sits down to think]

 

JB:                               Let’s see, Ivana hasn’t returned, so something must have happened to her. She must have been captured…I know! She’s been abducted by Invisible Bloodthirsty Aliens! Their spacecrafts always leave a trail, so let’s look for a trail!

 

[He goes right and looks at the ground. He sees a trail made by a bike]

 

JB:                               This must be the trail!

 

[He follows the trail to a house]

 

JB:                               This must be where they took her for some kind of alien experiments. Luckily, I took the rope with me.

 

[He throws the rope up to the roof of the building]

 

[He climbs the building until he gets to a window, through which he looks]

 

[We look through the window. Teeth and Ivana are there]

 

T:                                 So, Ivana, I’ve devised a plan to kill you slowly but painfully. I’m gonna cover you with honey and feed you to my pet ants!

 

IM:                               NO! NO!

 

T:                                 Yes! Yes!

 

[He takes out the honey]

 

T:                                 This part you’ll like… I’m famous for my massaging techniques. I'll have to tenderize you a bit, of course.

 

[He starts massaging Ivana]

 

IM:                               It must be hard, devising evil plots to conquer the world every day. Shall I give you a relaxing massage? After all, one good favour deserves another…

 

T:                                 I could really use one, my back hurts from carrying you up five stairs!

 

IM:                               Well, untie me then!

 

[He does so, and sits in the chair. Ivana starts massaging him.]

 

T:                                 That feels good…Really good!

 

IM:                               Now, you don’t really want to kill me, do you? I want to join your secret organisation… Every Evil Genius needs a beautiful women by his side…

 

T:                                 OK…But you have to go to bed with me, do you realise?

 

IM:                               Sure, I’ve got these handcuffs with the job, so we can play some bondage games.

 

T:                                 Kinky!

 

[She cuffs’ him and ties him to the chair]

 

IM:                               So, now you’re in my power!

 

[James knocks on the window]

 

IM:                               Ah look, the cavalry never arrives too late. James Bond does.

 

JB:                               I’m here to rescue you from the aliens!

 

IM:                               What aliens?

 

JB:                               Hey, they’ve abducted Teeth too! That’s a coincidence, and now we can say WE caught him!

 

IM:                               I caught him!

 

JB:                               Don’t be selfish, we’ll say WE caught him.

 

JB:                               Now, let’s climb back down. Help me get Teeth out of this window.

 

[We see Teeth falling out of the window]

 

JB:                               Now, why didn’t he use the rope to climb down? Guess he was in a hurry…

 

IM:                               Lets go downstairs.

 

JB:                               Ok. [he climbs down again via the rope, head first. When he arrives, IM is waiting for him]

 

JB:                               What the.. how did you get here so fast?

 

IM:                               I took the stairs. But you know, I'm really glad you showed up…

 

JB:                               Really?

 

IM:                               Yeah, now I don’t have to walk home.

 

[They get into the car]

 

IM:                               Now Teeth is dead, all the money is ours!

Hooray!..

 

JB:                               Are you sure he’s dead?

 

[they run over him]

 

IM:                               He is now.

 

JB:                               That’s what I thought last time… better make sure.

 

[They drive over him again…and again]

 

IM:                               So now he’s dead, we can keep all the money

 

[A voice sounds]

 

VOICE:                       But you’re police agents. You can’t keep this money. It’s

your duty to give it back to the Banks of England.

 

IM:                               Who the hell are you?

 

JB:                               Let me handle this, I’ve been through this before. Are you that token from heaven again?

 

V:                                 No James, I am your conscience. You must listen to me, or I’ll

make your life a living hell.

 

IM:                               If you give that money back, I’ll make your life a living hell!

 

JB:                               Damn.

 

V:                                 Listen to me! You’ll be a hero and maybe you’ll

get a reward!

 

JB [sarcastically]:          Like all the other times, you mean?

 

V:                                 Well, maybe this time you’ll get lucky.

 

IM:                               I don’t think so. Let’s divide the money and get out of here.

 

V:                                 You’re right. Screw them! Keep the money.

 

JB:                               No, it’s my duty to give it back.

 

V:                                 Screw your duty!

 

IM:                               We’re rich!

 

JB:                               We’re rich anyway. We got half of Rogers life insurance!

 

IM:                               Right,  I forgot! So we’ll be heroes AND be rich!

 

V:                                 This is the happiest ending I can think of!

 

JB [getting into his car]: Well, it would be an even happier ending if I got my old job

back .

 

[turns on the radio]

 

RADIO VOICE:          This just in: The cold war has started again, and with it the need

for special agents grows again.

 

JB, IM + V:                  WOOHOO!

 

THE END

 

 

 

ALTERNATIVE ENDING

 

[WE SEE TEETH STANDING NEXT TO THE DEAD BODIES OF IVANA AND JAMES]

T: You didn't think there was only ONE clone did you?