Voorstukje: Laat een kerstboom zien
zonder kado’s eronder. Laat klein kind
naar boom toe rennen(zeer enthousiast) en dan in tranen uitbarsten, omdat er
niets ligt. Dan een straat in beeld brengen, met daarbij een huilend geluid
gemonteerd, alsof het uit de huizen komt.
Einde voorstukje
introsong
begin echte film
Op kantoor: komt hoed
binnengevlogen, precies op kapstok. J komt binnen.
Chipper is daar ook. Praatje
Chipper: That has to be James Bond! Oh James, I've
missed you so much!
James:
Well Chipper, you're looking lovely as ever. But tell me, what happened
to Moneypenny?
Chipper: But James?! Where have you been all these
years? Money is very oldfashioned,
nowadays we use Chippers, so I had to change my name to be taken seriously. But
enough about that. The old man is awaiting you.
James:
Than I'd better hurry, hadn't I?
Chipper: Bye James....
(James gaat deur binnen)
Y: Hello
James. Good to see
you again.
James: Goodday Sir.
Y: What
do you know about Santa Claus, James?
James: He lives on the North pole, he drives a
sleigh powered by 8 reindeers, he
employs elves and of course he gives presents every year around
Christmas.
Y: I
still admire your knowledge. Again I have to say that you did your homework
well.Well, you will have to go to the North Pole. Santa will tell you wha he
knows. He'll send you to the
Netherlands. Here you will meet special Agents Roger and Diana Dodger they will fill you in further. Your plane's leaving
in 15 minutes.
James: But first you will have to tell me why, Y,
because I don't understand anything of this.
Y: Didn't
you hear that nobody got his presents for Christmas this year? You will have to
find out why. This is a matter of great
national importance. The kids are the future, so we have to keep them happy by giving them presents.
James: ok, see you later, Y
C:garage tom:
James: Is that
you, U?
U: Yes, it's me, and I brought a lot of nice
stuff with me for you
James: Cool! What
is it?
U: How about this nice Jeep.
James: Are you sure
it's safe to drive that thing?
U: No, but that's why you had an extensive training at the beginning
af your career. It's your job to do dangerous things.
James: You got that
right!
U: well, I guess you know by now what nice
stuff you can do with it.
James: Yeah, I do.
U: And what about this watch?
James: I already
have dozens of them from my previous missions.
U: But this is a special one. This one tells the
time!
James: Wow! I never
had one like that before.
(Puts it on, steps in car and drives away while
shouting goodbye to U)
Location:
North Pole: Santa's house.
We see
James driving up the driveway. Goes into the house. Meets santa.
Santa:
hohohohoho
James: Hi, The name is Bond, James Bond. Her
majesty sends me.
Santa: hohoho
James:uhh, can you say something else too?
Santa: nonononono
James: ah, well. I'll ask you some questions now.
If the answer is yes, say hoho
If the answer is no, say Hohoho
Do you understand that?
Santa: hoho
James: do you really mean yes because you
understand, or don't you understand and this is a coincidence?
Santa:
hoho, hohoho
James: Oh , I'm sorry, from now on I'll only ask
you one question at a time
Santa: hoho
James:Is it true that all of the kid's presents
are stolen?
Santa: hoho
James: Where have they been stolen?
Santa: hohohuh?
James: Sorry. Have they been stolen in england
Santa: hohoho
James:have they been stolen in the us?
Santa: hohoho
James:"""""""in
russia
Santa:
hohoho
fade
in (they both look very tired and confused
James:"""""" on the
north pole?
Santa: hoho!!!!
James: do you know who did it ?
Santa: hohoho
James: Did you find any clues?
Santa: hoho!
(He walks away,
beckons James to come with him They walk into a large empty storage room. S
picks something up and shows it to James.
It's
a pair of chattering teeth)
James: Teeth! He works for one of my oldest and most
dangerous enemies... Doctor...
Santa: hohoho?
James: No, not doctor No, much more dangerous than him...
Doctor Dracip...
Looks like I’ll have to go to
Holland to face my worst enemy...
James: may I join in?
Doctor
Dracip: sure,
mr...?
James: Bond, James Bond.
Doctor Dracip: Pleased to meet you mr Bond James Bond.
Now let ME introduce myself. My name is…
James: I already know your name, Doctor Drasip.
Doctor Dracip (suddenly irritated): I prefer to be
called Drakip. It has more style. I don't like it when people call me Drasip.
People that call me Drasip have a tendency to die young, if you know what I
mean.
James: Yes, but surely a "c" followed
by an "i" is pronounced as an "s"? It should be
pronounced Drasip.
Doctor
Dracip:
You're playing with your life, mr bond james bond. I admire that. Let's see if you're also good at playing cards...
James: Aren't you going to introduce me to your
friends here?
Doctor
Dracip: Very
well.... Mr. Bond james bond, Roger dodger, Roger dodger, mr bond james bond,
mr bond James bond, diana dodger, diana dodger, mr bond james bond.
Diana&Roger:(in koor) Pleased to meet you
mr.bond
James: Most people are. Let's choose partners
Roger: I'd like to play with you mr.bond.
James: Hmmmm, well, all right than. You'd better
play well.
(shot as bidding begins, than camera moves down, under table, so that
you can see only legs. You can still hear the bidding, and the matching kicking
against the legs of the partners. You can also see Diana's leg gently rubbing
against James's leg, while not bidding. Camera moves up again, and playing
begins. You don't see the entire game, only parts of it and you can see that
roger is the worst player that ever
existed. When the game is over:
James: Please excuse me, I have to go to the
Bathroom.
(walks around the table till he stands behind Roger)
Would you like to join me Roger?
Roger: Um... No.
James: I strongely recommend that you join me , mr
dodger.
Roger: um I don't want to. I'm straight!
James:(whispering in Roger's ear) I want to talk to you
outside. I'm from M5.
(Around the corner he slaps Roger against the head : Stupid Idiot! don't
you know how to play? Here, read this. (He gives him a book in which r can look
up all possibilities so that he knows what to bid. Then they walk back, and
second game begins. Fade out.)
(exterior
shot of bridge club, with James, Diana,and Roger walking out. )
Diana: James, Roger and I are Dutch agents on a mission from
Y. But Doctor Dracip doesn't know that. Ofcourse we're in disguise. We're
pretending to be a couple that wants to learn Bridge.
James: Yes, I thought so. Roger was acting so silly back
there, I figured that stupidity was a disguise.
So you're not really married, that's a disguise too?
Roger: No, we are. We've been married for 6 years. The disguise
is that we say we've only been married 4 years! Pretty clever, don't you think?
I thought of it myself!
James: mmm. Clever disguise...
Diana:Well roger, why don't you go home, so I can fill james
in about our assignment. It's top secret,
you know...
Roger: Sure honey. See you later. (walks away)
Diana: Pfff, he's gone. To be honest, that
stupidity of his is not a disguise at all. He just is stupid. No smart man would join the Dutch secret service...
I'm
only married to him because Her Majesty wanted it. The marriage is the
disguise....
James: Hmmm. That's what I thought. But let's get
to business now
What do you know about Doctor
Dracip?
Diana: Oh james, must we talk about that right
now. There are so much nicer things to do at this hour......
James: I dont know what you're talking about..
Just tell me what you know
Diana: But didn't you understand my hint while
playing bridge?
James: Yes, ofcourse I did!! You tried to tell me
that you had Hearts and clubs in your hand.
Diana: No, james I meant th............
James: I'm loosing my temper now!! Tell me what
you know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Diana: Well,
he's very rich. But I don't see why you need to know that. We're
searching for presents, aren't we? I don't see why he's important.
James: Well, you never know. I found this clue in
Santa's house: (he shows the Teeth) These belong to dr.Dracip’s help,
Teeth. He's an old enemy of mine, but he didn't recognise me because I have to
undergo plastic surgery after every three missions.
Diana: But what would he want to do with all those
presents?
James: I dunno, maybe he wants to play with them.
It's up to us to find out.....
Diana: all right, that's the spirit. Let's do it
right now!!!!!
James:
well, I'd say we start first thing in the morning. I really need a good
night's rest.
Diana: See you in the morning James.
James:
I’ll pick you up in front of your hotel with the top-secret m5 maxivan.
Diana: OK.
(James
walks home. We see Teeth following him. Suddenly he runs to James (from the
back) as to attack him. James. Starts
running too. He runs around and around, until he is following Teeth. Teeth
doesn't see James anymore, and he returns to Doctor Dracip's house(huis wouter). James follows him, and
discovers a secret entrance to the house of Doctor Dracip. Then James returns
home, where he finds Diana waiting for
him.
Tom’s house (Diana whispers in
James’s ear:)
James:
Ahh! Oooh! Wow! Cool! Did you bring the whipped cream? Let’s go upstairs!!!
(Fade out)
(fade in: we see a bed, something is moving underneath the sheets, we
see two pair of feet. Zoom out: we see that James is in bed, writing his
christmaslist, being very excited about that. Diana is lying next to him in bed , with her head in the opposite
direction (v-shape), writing her list..)
James: It sure is cold in here. What kind of hotel
is this? You have to get in bed if you don’t want to freeze. By the
way, why didn’t you bring Roger?
Diana: Well, it’s too bad Roger isn’t here with
us. But it wouldn’t have had any point...
James: Why’s that?
Diana: Well, I read the script in advance, and by
the time we’ll be able to give our lists to Santa, Roger will be dead
James: Hey, don’t tell that. It’s supposed to be a
surprise. Do you want a piece of cake with some whipped cream?
(Fade out)
Busje: vol met computers, spelcomputers. OP buitenkant bus staat:
” top secret M5 maxivan”.
James komt aanrijden, Roger
en Diana stappen in. Ze rijden weg. James stapt, eenmaal aangekomen op de gewenste plek, ook
achterin
James: Before we start, I’ll have to check the
van for bugs, standard M5 procedure. (Hij
kijkt overal, vindt een rubberen spin en gooit die naar buiten) Now that’s
over and done with, I’d like you to tell me all you know about Dr Dracip.
Roger: He has a very big house. He showed us
around.
James: Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Did you
notice anything strange about this house?
Roger: Uh... It had a lot of rooms..?
Diana: Now that you mention it, I think I
noticed something. Do you have some paper?
James: Ofcourse, it’s underneath that incredibly
hi-tech computer over there.
Diana:(gives some paper to Roger): Here, help me
out. Draw the house.
(Ze tekenen een plattegrond,
Roger tekent, Diana geeft aanwijzingen)
The ground floor was about 25 by 40 meters, it had 6
rooms, one of 12 by 8, one of 13 by 10,
one of 20 by 15, one of 10 by 15, one of 15 by 10, and one of 17 by 10. Have
you got that, Roger?
Roger: Nearly finished... there! Look! I
particularly like the little birds! It even has smoke coming from the chimney!
Diana: Roger, weren’t you listening to me?
Roger: Sure, you said draw the house and I did.
Do you have any crayons?
(James
gives him some crayons, Roger keeps colouring for the rest of the scene.)
Diana: Roger you’re so...
James: (interupting) I did the arithmatic and there’s four
square meters left. Give me that paper..
Roger: No! It hasn’t been coloured in yet!
(James
takes another piece of paper and sketches the house)
James: You see? Is
this the john?
Diana: No. This is (she points at the largest room).
James: What does he DO in there?
Diana: Actually, I don’t think I want to know.
James: So what’s this little room here?
Diana: I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I didn’t see any doors.
James: Then it must be a secret elevator. All the bad guys
have one. Trust me, I know about these things.
I wonder where it leads...
Roger: Probably up and down.
Diana: Since the house has only one floor, it can
only go down.
James: You’re wrong there. If it’s in the basement
it can!
Diana: Shut up James. I hate it when men are
smarter than I.
James: So That’s why you married Roger!
Diana: Didn’t I just tell you to shut up?
James: Yes you did. I’m sorry. By the way,
yesterday, when I went to my Hotel I was followed by Teeth. I managed to outwit
him using my superior male braincells and I followed him back to Doctor
Dracip’s house. I found a secret
entrance!
Diana: Do you know where it leads?
James: No, but I guess it leads to the basement.
Diana: Well, let’s not waste any more time and
find out!
James: We have to wait till it’s dark.
Diana: Look outside, it IS dark. We’ve wasted so
much time drawing houses and discussing your stupid macho behaviour it’s
already eight o’clock!
James: No wonder I was hungry.
(Fade out)
(James , Diana en Roger lopen samen naar de geheime ingang. )
James: Roger , open that wall.
Roger: And how would you suggest I could open a
wall?
Diana: by pushing the secret button ofcourse.
Roger: Where is that secret button?
Diana:
Well, over there ofcourse.
(Camera
moves to the point that Diana is pointing at: There is a big red button, with a
text underneath it theat says: “ THIS IS A SECRET BUTTON”)
James: NO!! Don’t touch that button. It probably
is a trap. You’d better push the green button that
says “THIS IS NOT A SECRET BUTTON” .
Roger: OK , I trust you James.
(Pushes
the green button. Door opens)
James: see, I told you!
Diana: ok ok, don’t rub it in...
(James sticks out his tongue, Diana
looks very angry, they go in. It’s very dark)
Roger: Help! Where are the lights?
Diana: Quiet you idiot! If you go on screaming like that,
they’ll hear us!
James: For once, I have to say you’re right, Diana.
(James
lits a fire with his Zippo)
James: Hmmm, let’s see... Ah, there it is..
(switches on the lights)
Roger: aaaaahhhhhh!
Diana: oooohhhhhhh!
James: Huuuuhhhh?
What does he want to do with all of this stuff?
Roger: probably the same as I want to do with it. Let’s
play!!!!!!!
Diana: oh, grow up will ya?
Roger: huh, what? (He’s to busy
playing to hear the question)
Diana: never mind........
James: Let’s find out what else we can find out.
(They walk on, till they find a pile of chips and a pile of playdo)
James: aha!! So that’s what he’s trying to do!
Diana: What?
James: isn’t that obvious?
Diana: ohh, uhhhh, well, let me think, don’t say
it.........
James: he wants to make a huge plastic
bomb!!!!!!!!!
Diana:
I said: don’t say anything! Maybe he wants to make a huge plastic bomb!
James: Hey, how did you find out? Clay and
computerchips make an excellent bomb.....you kan use the clay as an explosive,
and computerchips to build a timer. It’s a pretty clever idea to get it out of Children’s toys, they’re
filled with all of that stuff.
(They are standing in front of the pile, astonished. Suddenly we see
Teeth behind them. He hits Diana on the head , she falls down, unconsious.
James turns around real quick, big fight starts. Teeth also brought a lot of
help. James slaat ze allemaal in elkaar,and runs away to the chamber where they
left Roger, Because Teeth still can stand up
James: Roger
! give me that toy car!
Roger: but I.......
James: (shouting real loud ) GIVE ME THAT!!!!!
Roger: Ohh, I grmblgrmbl..........
James: tie that rope to the back of the car!
(Roger does that. Teeth doesn’t understand what’s
going on and stands still for a while, also because he’s a bit dizzy from all
the hits on his head. James drives the car to him, and circles around and
around, till Teeth is all tied up. He falls on the floor. They tie him up
some more, and then they rapidly go to Diana. They bring her to consciousness. )
James: are you ok?
Diana: huh, what happened? Who are you? Are you my
husband?
James: no, he is.(points at Roger )
Diana: yeah, I thought so. But it was worth the
try, wasn’t it?
James: Don’t be so hard on him. He caught Teeth,
and saved our lives with that.
Roger: (to James , whispering) But I didn’t do
anything...
James: shut up. I’m only trying to help you save
your marriage!
Roger: oh, thank you
Diana: Oh , I love you Roger !
Roger : I lovge you too, Diana !
James: Oh, i’ll leave you two alone for a while.
I’m going to save the planet.
Doctor
Dracip: Oh no
you’re not!
Roger: hey, where did he come from?
Doctor
Dracip: Well Mr Bond, we meet again! Nice surprise ,
isn’t it?
Roger: well actually.........
James: what exactly are you planning to do with
that bomb?
Doctor
Dracip: Don’t
you already know, mr. Bond James Bond?
I know who you are now. You’re from M5, aren’t you?
At first I didn’t recognise you, because
you had had plastic surgery. But you made a fatal mistake...
James: and what mistake would that be?
Doctor Dracip: Because of your greed, you made a lot of movies. And
last week I suddenly saw your name in the TV- guide. Then I remembered that Mr.
Bond James Bond was my worst enemy.
James: well done doctor. I’m impressed! NOT!!!
Doctor Dracip: Be quiet! I’m going to torture and kill you all. But
first Diana and Roger, so that you
will suffer even more than they will.
James: and how do you want to do that, if I may ask?
Doctor Dracip: you may not ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway...
first I will make you all watch “The
invisible Bloodthirsty alien” , the worst movie ever made, so that you will
suffer incredibly.
Roger , Diana and
James: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOH!!!!!!!
Doctor Dracip: HA HA HA HA HHAAAAAAH!
James: (whispering to Diana
and Roger ) whatever you do,
don’t LOOK! Keep your eyes wide shut!
(Doctor Dracip takes them away
trough a narrow passage. Suddenly we see Santa jumping forward out of a side-passage)
Santa: hohohohohoho
All: it’s Super Santa!!!
(S kicks the gun out of Doctor Dracip’s hand. James and Roger jump on Doctor Dracip and tie him up.)
James: now tell me where you’re making the bomb.
Doctor
Dracip:
never!! Find it out yourself. I’d rather kill myself. (Holds breath)
James: oh, that’s fine with me.
(They
all wait and watch Doctor Dracip . Then he starts breathing again an says:
Doctor Dracip: Hey, that not fair. I can’t do it when you’re looking
at me like that!
James: now will you tell me where the bomb is?
Doctor Dracip: no, but I’ll give you a hint. It’s pretty far away
and you’ll need your car to get there.
James: then that’s what we’ll do. Roger , you go get Teeth.
Diana , you will stay here together with
santa to watch Doctor Dracip and teeth.
Diana: but I want to go with you!
James: No, it’s too dangerous..
Diana: please please please
James: oh , all right than , you can come if it’s alright
with Santa.... Santa, will you watch Doctor
Dracip and Teeth alone?
Roger: make that just Doctor Dracip. Teeth managed to get
away..
James: You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you
Doctor Dracip ?
Doctor Dracip: sure I would...
Diana: you bastard..
Doctor Dracip: thank you..
James: then let’s just go. I bet we can find him where the
bomb is.
Diana: too bad thaty we don’t know where the bomb is.....
James: think positive, tsjakka!
Diana: Hmmm...I’ll try.
(They
go to the car. James drives, Diana sits
next to him and Roger in the back.
Roger stand up and looks if he can see
Teeth. He spots him indeed, and shouts:
Roger: follow that bike!
James: fasten you’re seatbelts. We’re in for a
bumpy ride.
Roger: but than I won’t be able to see anything
of the good stuff..
James: Than do what you want. I warned you....
Roger: corner to the left, straight on, straight
on, sharp corner to the right, railway crossing, corner to the left, corner to
the right, Tunnel....
Diana: What did you just say?
Roger: I said”a tunnel”
Diana: Ahh, I thought so . In that case: WATCH
OUT!!!
Roger: for what??
(Fade out. Fade in at other side of tunnel, Roger no longer in the car)
Diana: James, turn around and pick up Roger .
James: ok
(they stop near him. )
Diana: He’s dead James. What will I do without
him? (Crying)
James: Leave him for what it is. It was his own
fault. I warned him. But we have to go dismantle a bomb before it’s
too late.
Diana: And just when things were starting going so
well....
(they
follow Teeth till they find the hideout for the bomb.Roel’s huis ofzo They go in, they see
teeth, punch his lights out, tie him up, and go to the bomb)
James: hmhm, this doen’t look THAT complicated...
Diana: Indeed. Let’s cut the green wire.
James: No, ofcourse not. Let’s cut the blue wire.
Diana: My intuition tell’s me to cut the green
wire.
James: so what? I want to cut the blue one.
(Suddenly they hear a voice from high up in the sky, saying:)
Voice: Cut the red one , you two fools
Diana and James: why would we believe you
voice:
It’s Christmas, and I am a token from heaven. Need I to say more?
Diana
and James:
no, we’re sorry.....
(they cut the red wire, clock stops counting down)
James: let’s go back to Santa and Doctor Dracip ,
so that we can help Santa with giving presents to
everyone.
Diana: and than let’s get married.
James: huh?
Diana: Well, now that Roger is dead, we can get married, can’t we?
James: I guess we can . But haven’t you seen all of my movies? I never get maried.
Diana: Yes, you got married once. I was so upset
than... I’m glad she was killed.
James: We’ll see. But first we’ll have to help
santa.
(They
walk back to the car. But Teeth is gone.)
James: hey, were did Teeth go? I thought you tied him up?
Diana: I did!!
James: how?
Diana: I tied his shoe-laces together so that he couldn’t
walk anymore.
James: how could you have been so stupid? He can still hupp,
can’t he?
Diana: I’m sorry, I didn’t
think of that.
James: well, never mind. He wasn’t that important anyway...
J:
(They
drive away. They don’t know that Teeth is in the back. Suddenly he
get’s up and strangles James. Diana hits Teeth in the face so hard, that he
falls out of the car. )
Diana: Are you ok James?
James: yeah.. But I really hope Teeth
isn’t. Let’s find out.
(Ze rijden terug, over hem heen. Ze zien dat hij dood
is en rijden dan weer weg, weer over hem heen)
Diana: he’s dead alright...
James: Good... Let’s go back to Doctor Dracip
(they get back to them)
James: hai, Santa. We still have christmaslists for you. Can
you give us some of these things. We would
really like that...
Santa: hoho!
James: Thanks Santa! Something else now: what
will we do with him?
Santa: hohohoho?
Diana: I know something. Let’s make him help us
wrapping all these presents again.
James: that’s a good idea...
Santa:hoho!
Doctor Dracip: nono!
(shot of wrapping presents)
James: how will we get these presents to the kids? Your
sleigh has been stolen, hasn’t it?
Santa: uhhh, hohoho?
James: let me think, what does that mean? So your sleigh HAS
been stolen?
Santa: HOHO!
Diana: I’ll help him. We can do it together.
James: Good idea again.
Santa: hoho!
Diana: Will you help
too, James?
James: I have to move on. Y contacted me and told me that I
have to go to Rome, because someone kidnapped the easterbunny... That’s what my
new movie is going to be about….
Diana: then go. It probably wouldnt have worked out between
us anyway. (By the way , I think santa
here likes me a lot. I may marry him sometime...)
James: good luck..
(shot of James driving away, we see fireworks and we hear the song”we
wish you a merry Christmas....”.)