Star Trek – The Invisible Bloodthirsty Alien
Exterior
shot of The Enterprise, flying through the galaxy (music Airwolf)
We hear the
voice of Captain Picard saying:
“Captain’s log,
stardate 4242.42. Due
to a cleaning mistake by janitor Wilco, who accidentally removed a forcefield,
behind which we had trapped an invisible bloodthirsty alien, which boarded our
ship during our recent mission on Babylon 42, the aforementioned invisible
bloodthirsty alien killed most of our crew, leaving only me, my first officer
commander Riker lieutenant-commander Worf, who transferred back from deep space
nine after he accidentally ateOdo whilst in liquid form, by the way when we
picked him up a ferengi called Quark sold me a wonderfull toupet made from
commander Rikers beard, it looks great, I just haven’t figured out how to use a
comb yet, he also sold me an archeological holodeck program, which promises a
lot, it’s about 20th century earth. Damn I’ve got to use shorter
sentences. Riker and I haven’t seen the invisible bloodthirsty alien yet, but
I’m not gonna let that spoil my fun. I have rerouted all bridge-functions to
the holodeck so we can operate the ship and have fun at the same time.”
Scene 1
(location inside a house, they explore
the house, music: the magnificent 7)
P: well #1,
this looks great, really lifelike
R: yes sir.
Why not explore this ancient house some more, we may find something of interest
P: very
well.
(they walk
around and find a computer)
R: look
sir!
P: ah I
know what that is, it’s an ancient computer
R: Since
we’ve rerouted ale commandfunctions here, why not use this computer to control
the ship?
P: good
idea!
(they turn
it on, windows 95 starts. Suddenly the camera shakes and P&R jump around)
P: Damned,
what the hell was that?
R: It looks
like this windows 95 program has taken over the ship! It’s overloading our
memorycore!
(fade to
black)
“Space, the
final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship enterprise. It’s
continuing mission: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new
civilizations, to create a new line of action figures, to inspire writers to
create spin-offs, to raise money for startrek movies, to fill up the internet
with pictures of our crew…. Oh yes, and to boldly go where no-one has gone
before…except a few other races…”
“Captains
log, supplemental. The ship has been taken over by a hostile program, so we’re
stuck on the holodeck, again… The holodeck-repair-guy can’t come right now but
he promised he would be here asap. Since all we can do right now is wait,
commander Riker and I heve decided to explore the holodeck some more and learn
more about ancient erth, because we might as well make the best of a bad
situation, and every cloud has it’s silver lining.”
(P&R
are playing Worms (computergame))
P: Riker
get me some tea
R (walks to
replicator): computer, tea , earl grey, hot…(special effect. Tea all over the
place)
Ha ha
computer, very funny…. In a cup this time…
(walks
back, gives tea. Picard is still playing the game, he completely misses)
R: Hah! You
missed!
P: Who’s
your commanding officer Will?
R: What do
you mean?
P: Don’t
play stupid with me Will. I’ m much better at it…
R: Oh I’m
sorry……. Oops, I accidentally
jumped into the sea… You win again…
P: Shall I
beat you at another game # 1?
R: Uhh,
isn’t there an invisible bloodthirsty alien on the loose?
P: That’s
right! (taps communicator) Worf, any progress?
W: I am
patrolling outside on my own all alone, so I can easily be caught by the
invisible bloodthirsty alien.
P: Good
work, make it so.
(To Riker:)
I have to go to the bathroom. You hev the bridge.
R: But I
don’t want the bridge
(P is
standing in front of a door waiting for it to open. Nothing happens)
P: Computer, open door… (nothing happens, he pulls, pushes, kicks, nothing helps)
R: Let me
help you sir (he opens door)
P: Uhh
thanks # 1, where was I going again?
(Fade to
black)
Chase
scene: worf runs to garden chased by camera. Suddenly he sees a pond, which he
can’t pass. He changes into his bathingsuit and tests the water with his toe.
Jumps in. Tries to swim, but can’t, something is holding him. It’s invisible
Darth Vader (DV) with his scubagear. Worf dies. DV now visible swims away.
R: Red
alert , shields up, yeloow alert, shields down, green alert, shields up (etc).
P comes
back in
R: Sir, I
think something may have happened to Worf…
P: You’re
probably right, engage…
R: (raises
eyebrow) Sir, perhaps we should explore the house some more and see if we can
locate Worf.
(They walk
around and pick up stuff. Riker finds a remote control)
R: Look
sir, some kind of tricorder
P: mmm,
let’s see if it works (R pushes button, tv turns on)
P: What the
hell……. Computer, identify
Computer:
this device is called a televisionset. It can be operated by hand or by remote.
People used it for entertainment before the were holodecks. Of course not by
far as much things went wrong with it. It oofers a diversity of……
R: Shut up
computer!
P: (sits
down and watches tv) This is strange, even though the quality of the picture
and the progran is appalling by todays standards, I find myself unable to look
away, it’s almost addictive…
(TV scene,
what’s in store, trying to sell a fat-sucking machine for home-liposuction)
R: TV can
rot your brains sir., and it’s bad for your eyes too.You heve to get some
excersize. Let’s go outside and practise our amazing fighting techniques…
P: Well
alright…
P & R
fight, suddenly we see a Borg approaching. P&R look frightened.
B: My name
is Borg…. Uuhhmm… Just Borg.
P: Not
again…!
B:
Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
R: So you
were the invisible bloodthirsty alien. Thans for killing Wesley Crusher and
Lwaxana Troy.
B: No , I’m
not the invisible bloodthirsty alien. I’m just here because my agent said
itwould be good for my carreer, and because the studio wants to use the
Borg-costumes as much as possible, and because the movuie would be too short if
I wasn’t in it and ecause bnorg-episodes always get high ratings and…….
(Riker
unplugs the extension cord by which Borg gets his power)
R: there,
now he’s mostly harmless. He was giving me a headache.
P: merci Riker,
j’avait un deja-vu…
R :
(looks it up in his dictionary) ahh..
P: Now lets
see if we can find Worf and if we can find out who this invisible bloodthirsty
alien really is.
R: OK
Scene 6,
outside music: 5th of Beethoven
R: eeks
what’s that sir? (points at spider)
P: relax
sissy, it’s just a little rubber spider. It won’t hurt you. It might even be
more afraid of you than you are of him.
R: No not
THAT!, THAT!!!!! (points at huge bear behind the spider which is visible now
after we zoom out)
P: Now
that’s something to be scared of, Run for your life!!!
R: whereto?
We’re trapped!
P: just
jump into the pond..
R: won’t
our communicators shortcut and get us killed?
P: ofcourse
not, dumbass….
R: And what
about that? (points at DV who is still in the water)
P: A
bloodthirsty alien! That probably will kill us if we jump in… Let’s hold a
seniorstaff meeting to discuss what we must do.
R: but sir,
everyone is dead.
P: Good
point, we’ll have to come up with something ourselves.
R: Please
hurry, I’m wetting my pants…..
P: There’s
only one solution. Take of your pants and wave them at the bear. The stench
will make it go away.
R: Uhh,
it’s kind of embarrassing..
P: Don’t be
childisch, I gave you a direct order. Besides, it’s not like you’re on tv or
anything…
R: But ,
But but, I don’t have enough time, look
how close he already is…
P: Wait.
That’s’ not a bear! It’s a wookie.
(looks at
the camera and whispers: Thank God, the stench probably would have killed ME
too!)
W:
mwmhmwmhmwmwhm,whwm
R: what’s
he saying sir?
P: Don’t
have a clue… damned, the universal translators must be malfunctioning.This
windows 95 is taking over all of the ships functions….
R: I think
he want to make clear to us that he wants to shave.
(wookie is
making a sign as to say let’s kill DV, by rubbing his hand to his neck)
P: Mmmm,
perhaps… But I think he’s trying to tell us to kill DV.
R: But how
will we do that sir?
P: Perhaps
your point about our communicators wasn’t so bad after all…
R: It
wasn’t?
P”: Well of
course it was stupid. But we can try toto cause a shortcircuit to kill DV.We
will just have to find a very powerful powersource…..
R: Hmm,
very tricky….
P: Hey I
suddenly remembered something… Did you ever see starwars?
R: Of
course I saw it.It was compulsory at Starfleet academy. Why?
P: Well, if
Chewbakka the wookie is here, Luke Skywalker must be here too…
R: Oh yeah,
you’re right, ….. o, no I still don’t get it…
P: Damned.
Luke van use THE FORCE dumbass….!
R: Here he
comes!
(Luke is
wearing sunglasses, shorts, has a camera)
Both: Luke
Skywalker!!
P: hi
there, can you kill DV with the force?
L: Sure I
can, Watch, this is gonna be cool…
(walks to
pond, points a finger. Bzzzzzbzzzzbzzzzbbzzz) Done
(In the
meanwhile we see DV struggeling for his life. Then he dies and sinks)
P: Thanks
Luke!
L: (blows
away smoke from finger) Oh it was nothing really> Let’s get him out of the
water.
(they do
so)
R: Hey
what’s this little box?
P: mmm,
looks like a cloaking device, but it looks like it’s broken.
R: You know
what I think?
P: No, I’m
not Betazoid…
R: I think
that DV was the invisible bloodthirsty alien, but his cloaking device must have
been broken by Worf when they were fighting….
(in the
meantime we see Luke taking off the mask of DV.)
L: Oh no!
It’s my father!!!
(he ha sa
heartattack, falls in the water and dies)
R: Is he
dead?
P: how
should I know. I’m a captain, not a doctor.
R: Computer
activate emergency medical hologram
(doctor
appears out of thin air)
Doctor:
Please state the nature of the medical emergency
R: doctor!
Has the windows program taken ove ryou too?
D: How
should I know, I’m a doctor, not a computerexpert…
P: Doctor
perhaps you can understand what the wookie is saying
D: I’m a
doctor not a zoo-keeper!
R: well
rtake a look at luke, we think he may have died…
D: I’m a
doctor, not a do…..
(looks
confused) very well then…
(He examines
luke.) He’s dead Jim, kick him if you don’t believe me.
Scene 8,
back in the fightingarena (music james bond theme)
P&R see
that the Borg has disappeared, and they see an extensioncord moving….
R: Damned,
he must have had a battrybackup and plugged himself in again.
P: Damned
Will, I do the cursing on this ship. Damned. Let’s follow the cord
R: Not so
fast sir, I’ve got a plan
P: Damned
will, it had better work!!!
R: Sir,
you’re only allowed to say damned 8 times an episode…
P: Shut up
Will, Merde….
Scene 9,
the second chase (music: mission impossible)
P&R
follow the cord with some plugs in their hand. The y move stealthly, always on
guard..
Eventually
they find the borg in the computerroom. Very quietly they advance towards the
borg and put in the plugs. One end of the cord goes in the borg, the other end
goed into the computer…
B: Error
eroor, illogical,error (borg dies, smoke comes from his ears)
R: Yopu
see, by uploading the windows program from our computer to the borg we’ve
killed two birds with one phaserblast…
The program
is out of our ship, and the borg is dead.
P: Yes it
was one of my better ideas, wouldn’t you agree number 1?
R: But sit
it was my id….
P: Shut up
Will….!
P: Well #
1, It seems like another adventure has ended well
R: But sir,
everyone is dead?!!
P: It could
have been worse…
R: How’s
that?
P: Well we
could have been killed too…!!!!
BOTH:
Whahahahah!
P: I think
we have learned a valuable lesson here….
R: And what
lesson would that be sir?
P: That when travelling in open space, don’t
open windows!
R: ok,
let’s go back to MSDOS
P: Riker
lay in a course, 042 mark 042
R: Huh?!?
P: Like
make us go THAT way………
(fade to
black)
The end