a. Virtually no one likes being criticized. Gary Smalley is a well-known writer and speaker on marriage and family issues. He tells about how his wife taught him a lesson about criticism. He was watching a football game in the family room when he heard the crunch of corn chips being eaten. Looking around, he saw his wife and children eating sandwiches and chips. "Why hasn't she fixed a sandwich for me?" he thought to himself. He cleared his throat rather loudly to get his wife's attention, but it didn't work. Finally, he stomped into the kitchen and made his own sandwich. All the time, he's thinking "If she's so sensitive, why didn't she know I wanted a sandwich? Why didn't she notice the expression of irritation on my face?" Give the man credit, now. He kept his thoughts to himself. For a few days, anyway. But things like being ignored at sandwich-fixing time can gnaw on a fellow. So a few days later, he had to say, "I've been wondering about something . . . ." He asked why she had not made him a sandwich. She looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Are you serious?" He thought he was, but there was clearly more going on here than he understood. She continued, "You know, I can't believe you would even ask me a question like that!" Obviously he shouldn't have asked the question, but the poor guy doesn't have the slightest clue why not. He admits that he doesn't know what's going on and asks her to explain. She says, "Women don't like to set themselves up to be criticized." Gary's still a little slow making the connection. He says, "I understand that, but what does that have to do with not making me a sandwich?"

Norma replies, "Do you realize that every time I make you a sandwich, you say something critical about it? 'This tomato isn't ripe enough.' 'You put too much mayonnaise on it.' 'This isn't the kind of mustard I like.' 'The bread is a little dry.' I just can't satisfy you, so I'm not going to try any more."

b. Maybe this hits close to home. We can get into a critical spirit without realizing it. Criticism can be exceedingly harmful to a marriage. The Bible makes the point when it says in Proverbs 21:9 (NKJV) "Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman."] Obviously, both husbands and wives can be critical and contentious. It is not an attractive quality in either gender.

a. Unresolved issues can become a festering boil. Suppose there is something bothering you about you mate's behavior. How should you handle it?

b. My first advice is simple to say and difficult to do: LET IT GO! A good percentage of marriage quarrels start with what someone has called the "tremendous trifles" . . . things that don't matter very much in the grand scheme of things. He leaves the cap off the toothpaste. She puts the toilet paper on the holder the wrong way. Seat up or seat down? These kind of things don't really matter very much. Often it is better to go along to get along. Ephesians 4:2 speaks of "forbearing one another in love." Every marriage needs a health dose of forbearing.

c. But what about things which you can't let go? If there is a problem which needs to be talked about . . . an area where you really need to say, "Honey, I need you to change your behavior about . . . ," what is the effective and Christian way to go about it?

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:13 (KJV) And to esteem them very highly in love for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves. Truth-in-advertising disclosure: Paul didn't have husbands and wives in mind when he wrote this. The context is esteeming the leaders of the church. But surely there's a principle here which applies to all our relationships including marriage. We all need to be esteemed very highly in love.

2. Ego and self-esteem can be fragile especially in the marriage relationship. We're more vulnerable to our mates because we've opened ourselves up emotionally more completely to our mates than anyone else. That gives that person more power to hurt us than anyone else has.

3. Feeling unappreciated and under-valued by your mate makes you unreceptive to anything you perceive as additional criticism. You're thinking, "Here I do all these things for him [her], and he [she] doesn't appreciate it. Now, he [she] is coming at me with more criticism." When you're already in that frame of mind, you're not ready to participate in any kind of open discussion about changes your mate wants you to make.

1. Gary Smalley advises husbands to promise themselves to tell their wives daily something they appreciate about those wives. Women, you know that men have egos which need stroking so this is good advice for you, too.

2. However, be creative with your praise. It's not going to work very well if you start doing it this week and your wife thinks it's just because the preacher suggested it.

3. Most importantly, be genuine with your praise. Some people are smooth with words. Others would have a hard time writing a romantic note if their lives depended on it. Don't try to be something you're not. Don't try to flatter by saying things that aren't true. Say something nice that you really feel. Words are powerful tools for both construction and demolition. Use them to build up your mate rather than tearing him [or her] down.

1. Patience is needed. The Bible uses the word "longsuffering" to describe the character of a Christian [Colossians 3:12 (NKJV) Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;] Often it is better to bring up a subject, discuss it for a while, then table it while giving both partners time to think about it for a while. When people truly love one another, just knowing that the other person wants something is often enough to make us want it too. So after thinking about it, attitudes can change. On the other hand, insisting on pressing to point to an immediate concession leads to conflict and fighting. Trying to force your mate to change can bring about an "I'll show you" attitude of stubbornness.

2. Control anger. Ephesians 4:26 (NKJV) "Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, If discussions do become heated, it's time to call a time out. Choke on those words which ought not to be said. Once they escape your mouth, you cannot stuff them back in. If you can't solve the problem today, agree to disagree for the time being and get over being mad. The next time you talk about it, your outlooks may have changed and a solution may be easier to find.