theory

The Scientific Beatle-Death / How-Paul-McCartney-Will-Cause-The-Apocalypse Theory

Before I begin to tell my prediction for how the world will end, I must tell you that some people will not think that it will come true. That would be normal, but you see, this place is much like the tea party in Alice and Wonderland, for we are all mad here and you must uphold this state of mind to fully understand. Besides that, this prediction suddenly came to me whilst playing a game of HELP! and i had to tell it to the few who would listen, BUT THEN IT STRUCK ME THAT EVERYONE HAD TO KNOW! SPREAD THE WORD...

First of all, in 2004, when Paul is 64, instead of needing him and feeding him, such as it says in the song, Heather Mills will have previously borne five retarded children, then divorce him and force him to pay exorbotent amounts of money as child support, leaving him to live off the rest of his money. He will lock himself up in his mansion(s) and write crappy songs, but will not make any significant move until four years later.
In 2007, Ringo will have begun another All-Starr tour which will eventually land in his hometown of Liverpool, at John Lennon's old college, which is now JMU, and will have a post-concert party there, and have a drinking contest with an American student. He will lose this contest because he is short, and because the student is a female. She will then try to console him, but ends up making fun of his height and large nose, and he will then go into a depressed rampage where he commits suicide. The world will mourn, and the female student will not remember a damn thing.
In 2008, and because of Ringo's death, Paul McCartney will then be free of any musical personalities who would normally permit him from making stupid musical moves, such as writing crappy songs, etc. He will therefore do what he had always secretly hoped to do: START A BEATLES REUNION...
As a result, every dead Beatle, dead person who was close to any of the Beatles, or dead person who had ever loved or hated the Beatles will roll so violently in their graves that it will offset the rotation and axis of the Earth, therefore causing it to drift closer and closer to the sun.
By December 23rd, 2023, the Earth will have drifted so close to the sun that life will be unsustainable and by then, everyone will have died; the world will therefore end on December 23rd, 2023.

Then I had a vision in the form of a dream! It was for the salvation of mankind from this mostrousity that will rear it's ugly, wizened head over us all! For the preservation of everyone, read my dream...

Me and my cowriter Sio and some other bastard kid we used to know sat listening to the radio, and being eighth grade shitheads at her house. Suddenly the music stopped and an important sounding voice rang out with this eerie message: "Today is December 23rd, 2023. You know what that means? The world is scheduled to end today!" Then the music began anew. Of course me and the other kid tried to comfort Sio as she cried, but her fuckhead friends couldn't do it.
Anyhoo, I suddenly remembered my duty and cause: I remembered what I was. I was the Preistess of the Holy-Moly Order of the Great Cheaze Ruler! He had given me the word long ago, and I had somehow forgot to spread it like so much chunky, controversial peanut butter. Now I knew what to do. I had to spread the word.
But first to attend to my friends. "Come on" I said determinedly, "We're going to the movies!"
They looked at me with hope and remembered what me and Sio had said long ago in a galaxy far far away. When we were younger, when we had still beleived in the Great Cheaze.
Now we ran towards the theater, our limbs as heavy as if we were in water, inching closer to the building amid people milling about and screaming apocalyptic things. As we ran towards our salvation, we could see a movie poster with four familiar musicians posed on the front, and the title of the movie we sought to see yelling at us from under them.
The point is, my friend, the word of the Great Cheaze, is this:
IN ORDER TO ACHEIVE SALVATION FROM PAUL MCCARTNEY, YOU MUST WATCH THE BEATLES MOVIE

HELP!

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