Situation: 2 girls ding-dong ditching at Brian's/George's/Ringo's apartment building.
Girl: Hey, who lives here?
(DING DONG! The other girl leaves.)
Ringo: What do you want?!
Girl: It's, it's-oooh.
(Girl passes out in a dead faint.)
Ringo: Oops.
George: What just made a big thump on the floor?
Ringo: Nothing, you candy-sucking lout!
(George chucks 3 jellybeans at Ringo's head.)
George: Made a lot of noise for nothing. Move the heck away.
(Sees girl on floor.)
George: Oh my! You must be ugly. She died on sight of your face!
Ringo: No, she's not dead!
George: She's not breathing. (Thought): I'm not surprised either.
Ringo: Dammit, she needs CPR then!
George: No, yer a sex crazed bastard!
Ringo: Get yer mind out of the gutter & help me with this girl.
(Pulls the girl inside, puts her on couch. Brian walks in.)
Brian: What's this? An orgy?
George: NO! We're trying to revive her. She took a look at Ringo's mug & collapsed.
Ringo(mumbling): Shurrup.
(Brian walks over to the girl)
Brian: I think she's dead.
Ringo & George: Shurrup!
(George & Ringo watch Brian as he backs out of the room, hear footsteps, opening & slamming of car door, ignition & screeching of tires as car speeds off.)
George: Wonder where he's going?
Ringo: Hope it's off a cliff. Go get some water.
George: You go get it, yer closer.
Ringo: Well I'm nursing the girl.
George: Yer just standing there!
Ringo: You go get the water!
George: No, you go get the water, yer youngest!
Ringo: No, stupid, you are! I'm the eldest in the band!
George: Age before beauty, old man!
Ringo: ARRGH!
(They begin pummeling each other's faces & stomachs. Brian's car sounds & front door opens.)
Brian: Hello, what's this, an or-stop, break it up!
(Ringo & George stop fighting.)
Brian: I thought maybe Paul or John knew what to do with the body.
Paul: Oh, I know what to do...
John: Gerroff ya horny git! She's still breathing, just fainted. Fan some air on to 'er.
(They all fan air on to the girl with their hands and she wakes up.)
Girl: Wha-where am I?-the Beatles, and a...and a gay guy. But, the-the, BEATLES!
(Looks at Paul sort of wierd who is smiling and wiggling his eyebrows.)
Girl: Uh, I'm hungry, could you go get me a sandwich?
John: Sure.
Paul: Yeah!
George: Okay!
Ringo: It'll only take a minute!
Brian: Alright.
(They all run to the kitchen & the girl picks up phone & starts to dial emergency number.)
Girl: Hello? I've been kidnapped by the Bea-
Ringo(popping his head around the doorway): Hey, you want mustard with-HEY!
(Runs over and snatches the phone out of her hands.)
Ringo(girlie-voice): Sorry, wrong number!
(Ringo slams the phone down as the girl squirms away and runs for the door, but Ringo catches her & throws her onto the couch, then pins her down.)
Ringo: Guys, c'mere!
(They run into the front room.)
Brian: What's going on here?
John: What're you doing, Ringo?!
Ringo: She tried t'get away!
Girl: HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBO-<mmph!>
(George clamps his hand over her mouth.)
Ringo: Go get a chair, Brian! George, get some rope, John, get a fucking sock, a clean one!
George: Who's gonna tie her up?
Paul: I didn't get a job yet.
Ringo: Fine, y'sex crazed bastard!
John: Well, if you call this thing a sock.
(He holds up a brownish-yellowy-white rag.)
Ringo: No, that's just a pair of George's dirty recycled underwear.
(John holds them at a distance.)
John: That's disgusting! It's all gray & yellow & brown!
Ringo: I said a clean sock, so get rid of those!
(John throws them in the trash can & proceeds to wash his hands.)
Paul: You put those things on yer bum, George? Grotty!
George: I change them every month!
John: I thought that was a daily kind of thing!
(Beatles & Co. discuss the matter of the girl in the bedroom, out of hearing range of the girl.)
Brian: If we let her go, she'll tell & we can't keep her here forever.
John: Why don't we play a concert for her?
Paul: Good idea, John luv; for once y've got some common sense about women!
John: Grr, fuck off, tosspot.
George: Guys c'mon, we gotta set up the music stuff!
John: Yeah, and don't forget it was my idea.
(So they set it up, un-gagged the girl, a beer is offered unto her & she accepts. Then a night of boozing, getting stoned & fighting ensues. The next morning...)