John: Ugh! Ringo, your finger�s still bleeding like a son of a bitch!
Paul: Why would you care?
Ringo: �Coz it�s getting everywhere & it�s gross! & it hurts! & we need to have a concert so that we can have enough money & then some!
George: Oh yeah, that�s what his idea was! But how do you play the drums with your hand like that?
Paul: They yell so loud no one can hear us anyways. Or was that fixed?
Brian: Those groupies will hear me calling them names if they fixed it�
John: Hope not.
Brian: Hmm�Well tell me where & I�ll advertise it to the world!
Ringo: I think I might need some medical attention-
Paul: No, you�re fine, just wrap some more tissue around it. Hey, let�s do it in the Jacaranda Bar! In the Cavern!
John: Yeah!
Brian: Okay then, the Cavern it is!
George: Just an innocent question Ringo, so don�t get offended-
Ringo: Even though each time you start one like that it always is�
George: -But how do you go from being unconscious in the closet because you looked at your finger, to being on the street in search of change with us, without even unlocking the door or noticing you lost all eighteen rings to a pawn-shop?
Ringo: WHAT?!!! My rings are in a pawn-shop??!!!
John: Please don�t burst a blood vessel Ringo�
(So later on they�ve made all the arrangements & are at the Jacaranda Bar putting on a concert on the stage.)
Paul (Sarcasm): Oh gee Ringo. I wonder what could be making that horrendous smell? Not you of all things!
Ringo: Ha ha Paul. Check yer armpits, then the walls which still have that green slime on them, then check yer sense of humor. Otherwise I don�t know, because I took a bath already.
John: Where?
Ringo: The drinking fountain.
George: Hey, I found jellybeans!
Paul: Wot?
John: There he goes wandering off again like some kind of idiot of some kind of idiot of some kind of idiot of some kind. Where is that stupid guitarist off to? Doesn�t he realize the audience will supply all the candy?
Ringo: That jellybean junkie needs to play or this already half-drunken irate audience will have our heads�
George: Look! I found jellybeans.
Paul: That�s great George. Do ya mind playin� for us now?!
John: Ah yes, to the instruments!
Brian (Thought): Why do they keep saying �to the blood-bank� or �to the instruments�? It gets the Batman song stuck in my head! Oh well, never mind.
George: Look guys, I really found jellybeans!
John: Let�s hope they�re laced with some sort of drug. Time to play some shit!
(The Beatles introduce themselves to the well-lubricated crowd & begin to play �And I Love Her�. All of a sudden�)
Ringo: Fuck! Damn, oh my god! Finger, finger, bloody fuckin� FINGER in PAIN! Shit! Oooh, I�m gonna fuckin� KILL SOMEONE! Aahh�
(The drumming stops & George goes into a series of improvised guitar solo riffs out of frustration. John joins in, mashing the guitar strings & playing random chords as Paul silences his bass.)
Paul: Gee, that sounded great. �And I love-shit, me finger!� Or whatever you happened to winge just now.
Audience member: Tell that guy to stop whining! What a British weakling!
Writer: You can�t insult him like that! Die, you bastard!
(Suddenly a huge metal safe appears above the man�s head & drops straight on top of him. John & George stop playing.)
John: Sick! I like it! Drop one on Paul too!
Paul: Whatever happened to protecting your investments?
John: You don�t count. How hard can it be to find a perverted bassist?
(The audience begins to chant a demand for music. John yells into the mike.)
John: All right! Shut the bloody fuck up you wads of used toilet paper! You wanna hear a song?!
Audience: YEAH!!!
John: Well that�s too bad! We don�t feel like it!
Audience: Aww�
John: Here we go! We�re playing fuckin� �I�m Only Sleeping�!
Paul: Wot? Oi, what�s going on? What are we playing again? Tell me!
George: Stop pegging <ow> those jellybeans <ow> at me, I <OW!> already have some!
(On Sid�s island, Siobhan & Sarah are still perusing George�s letter.)
Sarah: Anything on the back Siobhan?
Siobhan: For the bajillionth time, no! & why do you want to know? Huh?
Sarah: Like maybe he had something really important he wanted to say.
(Siobhan looks at Sarah suspiciously.)
Sarah: WHAT?!
Siobhan: Oh, nothing, nothing. Nothing at all�
(Back at the Jacaranda Bar�)
George: How about some requests? Does anyone have a song they want us to play?
Ringo: Wait, can�t I pass on this one? My finger is really-
Audience member: Play �The Brews�! Play �The Brews�!
John: You goon, you�re at the wrong concert! Punks these days. Whatever happened to straight edge, eh?
Audience Member: Play �Surrender�!
John: Hey, fuck you man, we don�t know that song! It isn�t even ours! Do we really look like Cheap Trick to you?!
A.M: Play �In My Life�!
John: We don�t know that one either!
Paul: John, you fucking wrote it!
John: Oh, that�s right. 1, 2, 3, 4-
(On the last note of the song, George breaks a guitar string. While he replaces it John tells a story to entertain the crowd while Paul picks out a tasteless jazz riff, creating a beatnik-y atmosphere�)
John: Well it goes like this see. We was all just sitting around our flat one day & George goes out to check the mail. Turns out we�re getting sued by Jesus, Napoleon, Michaelangelo, all these bastards that want what little money we have man. Have they no decency?! I mean we had no money to begin with. We lived on two meals a day, washed our clothes in a river a couple miles away & only used candles for lighting. Now we can�t even afford matches, we�re lucky if we can scrounge up a half-eaten burger out of a dumpster & none of us have washed in days!
A.M: We can tell!