Kristi's Favorite All in the Family Episodes
Photo courtesy of webspawner.com
All of the following summaries and thoughts were written by me. I wrote down the quotes directly from the episodes themselves to go along with my summaries. The air dates after the titles were noted in the book, Archie and Edith, Mike and Gloria: The Tumultuous History of All in the Family, by Donna McCrohan. Workman Publishing, New York: 1987.
Enjoy Kristi's Favorite All in the Family episodes! There were so many, I had to divide them into two separate pages! :)
Meet the Bunkers (1/12/71) Written By: Norman Lear
It's Archie and Edith's 22nd Wedding Anniversary and Edith has managed to force Archie to go to church with her. Gloria is setting the table and decorations for the special occasion, but her husband, Michael Stivic has other plans. When Archie and Edith come from church early (because Archie couldn't stand the sermon) they find Mike and Gloria in an intimate embrace about to head upstairs to finish what they had started. This "surprise" leads Archie and Mike to begin firing their respective beliefs about sex, religion, black people, and politics at each other.
Mike (holding Gloria): "You're early."
Archie: "So are you! ...Eleven-ten on a Sunday morning!"
Edith: "Ain't this nice?" (referring to the set-up table and decorations).
Archie: "Yeah, five minutes later, we would have had it remote from the bedroom."
Gloria: "Gee, Mom, would you tell him it's normal?"
Edith: "Oh, Archie, why do you have to pick on them? Why, you just had a nice surprise."
Archie: "They was the ones that had the surprise, Edith. It used to be the daylight hours were reserved for the respectable things of life. ...In my day, we were able to keep things in the proper suspective. Take keeping company, for instance. When you're mother-in-law and me was going around together, it was two whole years--we never did--I never--I mean--there was nothing! Absolutely nothing, not til the wedding night."
Edith: "Yeah, and even then."
***
Gloria brings orange juice into the living room and sets the tray on the coffee table.
Archie: "Pull that skirt down! You sit down in one of them things and the mystery's over."
Archie: "What the hell is it nowadays? Will you tell me? Girls with skirts up to here. Guys with hair down to there." (gesturing with his hand, indicating long hair).
While trying to eat brunch at the table, Archie and Mike get into a "discussion."
Mike (about going to college): "I just want to learn a little bit about society, so I can help people."
Archie: "Your mother-in-law and me is people. Help us, will you? Go to work!"
***
Mike: "You know why we get a break down in law and order in this country, Archie? Because we got proverty, real poverty and you know why we got that? Because guys like you don't give the black man, Mexican-American and all the other minorities their just and rightful share of the American Dream."
Gloria: "Who said he wasn't smart? That's beautiful, Michael, beautiful."
Archie: "Oh, that was gorgeous! Now, let me tell you something. If your Spics and your Spades want their rightful share of the American Dream, let them get out there and hustle for it, just like I done."
Mike: "Yeah, but Archie, you're forgetting one thing. You didn't have to hustle with a black skin."
Archie: "I didn't have to hustle with one arm and one leg, neither. So what?"
Mike: "So, you're admitting that the black man is handicapped."
Archie: "Oh, no. No more than me, he's just as good as me."
Mike: "Wait, now I suppose you're going to tell me that the black man has had the same opportunity in the country as you?"
Archie: "No! He's had more! I didn't have no million people out there marchin' and protestin' to get me my job."
Edith: "No, his uncle got it for him."
Archie: "...Will you stifle!"
***
Archie (to Gloria and Mike after they asked "What God?"): "What did you mean by "what God?"
Mike: "We just don't see any evidence of God, that's all."
Gloria: "That's right, Daddy."
Archie (imitating Gloria in a very sarcastic tone): "That's right, Daddy!" Well, I knew we had a couple of pinkos in this house, but I didn't know we had atheists! Did you know that, Edith, that we had a pair of atheists under this roof?"
Edith: "Maybe if we could just eat a little someting."
Archie: "Will you stifle yourself, you silly Dingbat!"
Edith: "I don't want no more arguments."
Archie: "We're not arguin,' we're discussin'."
Edith: "I don't care what you call it, it's still arguing."
Archie: "We are having what we always have around here--a discussion."
Edith: "I don't see the difference."
Archie: "That's 'cause you're a Dingbat. Now, will you stay outta this?"
Edith: "I just don't want anymore arguments."
Archie: "Edith! Stay the hell outta this!"
***
Edith: "You know what I think we should do? I think we oughta eat."
Archie hounds Mike some more and Gloria gets fed up. She threatens to leave if Archie wouldn't stop picking on Mike. Edith says they can't leave.
Edith: "Doctor Feinstein says she's anemic."
Archie: "For ten bucks, some of these doctors will tell you anything."
Lionel Jefferson stops by to deliver flowers and a gift from a "secret admirer." Edith opens the gift and finds two lace handkerchiefs. She discovers the "secret admirer" was Archie (who chokes on his cigar, after Edith tells it was him). In reality, Mike and Gloria bought the handkerchiefs and card, while Lionel bought the flowers and delivered everything to make it a surprise for Edith.
Edith (sitting in her chair and opening the card): "I'll bet it's a Hallmark--well, petty near."
***
After the reading of the card, Edith runs off to the kitchen because she found it to be very emotional. Archie is sitting in his chair while Mike and Gloria are sitting on the couch, kissing.
Archie: "Hey, do you always have to be doin' that? It's as if she was a hamburger."
Gloria goes into the kitchen to see if Edith is okay.
Archie turns to Mike and says, "You are a person of very little quality."
This episode first aired in January 1971. At the beginning, hardly anyone watched All in the Family because of the bad time slot and they couldn't believe something like that was on television. Once the episodes repeated during that summer, more people tuned in and the groundbreaking of television shows had begun.
Gloria's Pregnancy (2/16/71) Written By: Jerry Mayer
Gloria and Edith are visiting the doctor, while Mike and Archie are home alone. Archie is sitting in his chair reading the newspaper--he gives it a raspberry.
Mike: "What is it, Archie? Bad news?"
Archie: "What else!"
Mike: "Did we get out of Vietnam or something?"
***
Archie: "What's in a name anyhow, huh? In my day, nobody went around callin' themselves Chicanos, Mexican-Americans, Afro-Americans, we was all Americans! If a guy was a Jig or a Spic, it was his own business."
Archie gets up to turn on the television set.
Mike: "What's on the Idiot Box?"
Archie (looks over at him): "It's only an Idiot Box if an idiot is watching--so don't peek."
Gloria and Edith come home from the doctor. Mike ends up guessing Gloria's news. She is pregnant! Edith, Gloria, and Mike rush into the room to tell Archie the news.
Edith: "Archie, what if I was to tell you that I think you're going to have the little boy you always wanted."
Archie (stares at Edith and gives her a look): "Holy cow, Edith, can't you do nothing right?!"
Gloria: "Daddy, it's not Mom who's expecting, it's me!"
Edith: "Yeah, Gloria's going to have a baby."
Archie doesn't know what to think because he knows that Mike can't support her without a job.
Archie (to Mike): "Your whole generation does nothing but think with its glands!"
Mike decides to quit school, get a job, and find an apartment so he can support his wife, and get away from Archie. Edith does not want them to leave.
At breakfast, Archie leaves after an argument about his likening of sausage links or patties. Meanwhile, Gloria experiences heavy pains in her stomach. Mike calls the doctor.
Later that evening, Archie comes home in a happy mood, holding a teddy bear for Gloria. He begins to tell Mike that they shouldn't leave, but Mike interrupts him.
Mike: "Archie, we're not pregnant anymore."
Archie: "You're what?!"
Mike: "We're not gonna have a baby, now."
Archie: "You dumb Polack! Did you do something illegal?!"
Mike: "...Of course not!"
Edith: "Archie, Gloria lost the baby."
Archie is stunned, he goes upstairs to see how his daughter is feeling.
Gloria: "You wanna say something?"
Archie: "Well....no, no, not tonight. Not tonight."
Gloria: "You love me."
Archie nods.
Gloria: "I love you too, Daddy."
The ending scene with Gloria and Archie is very sweet and emotional.
Cousin Maude's Visit (12/11/71) Written By: Philip Mishkin, Michael Ross and Bernie West
Everyone in the Bunker household has caught the flu, except Edith. She called cousin Maude to come and help out, but Archie sent a telegram telling her not to visit. Just when Edith is about to fall on her face from running up and down the stairs, the doorbell rings. Archie answers it...
Archie: "Maude! Didn't you get my telegram telling you to stay the hell away from here?"
Maude: "Yes, I did get your telegram telling me to stay the hell away from here. Edith! (Maude running to Edith and hugging her) You can rest now...Maudie's here." (She throws Archie a look).
The next morning, Archie wakes up on the couch to Maude singing and telling everyone breakfast was ready.
Maude (to Archie): "Now you can either come to the table and eat or you can lie there and feed off your own fat. And if you choose the latter, you can probably lie there for months."
Later on, an argument erupts between Maude and Archie about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. This conversation is a classic!
Archie: "This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!"
Maude: "You're fat."
Archie: "Sticks
and stones may break my bones, but Franklin Delano Roosevelt--"
Edith: "Archie! You promised never to say that name again in from of Maude!"
Archie: "Franklin Delano Roosevelt!!!"
Edith: "He don't mean nothing...his whole family was for Roosevelt.
Archie: "That was for two terms, but that was it! We didn't know the guy was going to hang on to the job like a pope."
Maude: "He hung on to save the country! The people adored him, he was a saint! That man had charisma."
Archie: "I don't care if he was sick! He always had his big mouth open at them fireside chats."
Maude: "Those fireside chats kept the country informed, and won my friends from Roosevelt was worth a barrel full of 'let me make this perfectly clears.'"
Archie: "Oh, now your rappin' my President. Well, let me tell you something about Richard E. Nixon. He knew how to keep his wife Pat home. Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor. She was always out on the loose, running around with the coloreds telling them they got the short-end of the stick. She was the one who discovered the coloreds in this country. We never knew they was there!"
Maude: "....He (Roosevelt) brought this country back from the Depression--"
Archie: "And right to the middle of World War Two."
Maude: "Which he won as our Commander-in-Chief."
Archie: "No! That's a lie! General MacArthur won that war and Roosevelt fired him for it!"
Maude: "That was Truman."
Archie: "Under secret sealed orders from FDR."
Maude: "Oh, come on!"
Archie: "That's a fact, Maude! Just like that other fact that he sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar."
Maude: "They met at Yalta."
Archie: "He sold us there, too! He handed all of Europe once to the Ruskies on a silver platter!"
Maude: "I don't want to argue with you anymore."
Eventually, everyone in the house recovers from the flu.
Edith's Problem (1/8/72) Written By: Burt Styler
Archie and Edith are planning a vacation to the "new" theme park in Florida--Disney World. At the same time, Edith is going through the "Change of Life" and Archie has to be as kind to her as he possibly can.
Edith: "You all leave me alone, dammit!"
Archie: "Did she really say that?"
Mike: "If I didn't hear that with my own ears, I wouldn't believe it."
***
Gloria: "Ma, have you been more forgetful than usual?"
Edith: "Forgetful? I don't know. Let me think..."
Gloria: "Ma?"
Edith: "Gloria, what did you just ask me?"
Archie is showing an article in a magazine about some of the attractions at Disney World.
Archie: "They have an all bear band."
Edith: "A naked band at Disney World?!"
Archie: "No, no, no, Edith. You know like brown bears, grizzly bears--"
Edith: "Oh, I hate bears!"
Archie: "But they're not real bears, Edith!"
Edith: "I hate all bears! Take it away!"
Archie: "But Edith--"
Edith: "Stifle!!!"
Archie: "What did you say?"
Edith: "I said stifle!"
Later on...
Edith: "We're not going to Disney World or any other world!!!"
Archie and Gloria at the coffee shop...
Gloria: "It's important that you understand about this time in Ma's life."
Archie: I ain't understood no time in your mother's life."
Archie returns from the pharmacy...
Archie (to Mike): "For the next couple of weeks, you can't expect to see the regular dingbat flyin' around here. Soon, as these here pills take affect, you're going to be looking at Super-Dingbat."
While eating "yesterday's soup" at the dinner table...
Archie: "Edith, if you're going to have a 'change of life' you gotta do it right now! And I'm going to give you just thirty seconds, now, come on, change!"
After Edith yells at Archie for the hundreth time, and drops the phone on the floor...
Archie: "Back to the groinocologist."
Sammy's Visit (2/19/72) Written By: Bill Dana
While driving Bert Munson's cab during the moonlighting shift, Archie picks up a celebrity. The celebrity, Sammy Davis Jr. has left his briefcase in the cab and is headed over to the Bunker's to pick it up. Everyone is excited to have a celebrity in the house. Sammy Davis Jr. visits and gets his briefcase, but before that, he has an interesting, yet memorable conversation with Archie Bunker.
Before Sammy arrives...
Mike: "What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.?"
Archie: "Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs!"
***
Archie (to Edith): "When Sammy Davis Jr. gets here, whatever else you blab about, don't say nothing about his eye."
Edith: "What eye?"
Archie: "Let me tell you, see, one of them is glass. You'll find out when he gets here which one, see? But don't talk about it!"
***
After Archie insists that he can serve Sammy the coffee, instead of Edith, Archie says to Sammy:
"Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?"
Edith: "Mr. Davis, It's really my fault, you see Archie thought I was going to say something about your eye."
Archie: "Edith, please!"
***
Archie (to Sammy Davis Jr.): "You bein' colored, you had no choice in that; but whatever made you turn Jew?"
Barney Hefner, Archie's neighbor who came over with his camera, snaps another picture of Sammy and Archie and Archie chases him out of the house.
Gloria: "I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, sometimes my father says the wrong things."
Sammy Davis Jr.: "Yeah, I've noticed that."
Lionel Jefferson: "But he's not a bad guy, Mr. Davis. I mean, like, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn."
Sammy Davis Jr.: "No, but if he saw one burning, he'd be liable to toast a marshmellow on it."
Lionel and Sammy Davis Jr. (together): "Right on!!"
***
Archie (to Sammy Davis Jr.): "If God had meant us to be together, He'd put us together. But look what He done. He put you over in Africa and He put the rest of us in the white countries."
Sammy Davis Jr.: "Well, you must've told Him where we were because someone came and got us."
***
Sammy Davis Jr. (to Archie): "...And if you were prejudice, you'd walk around thinking you were better than everybody else in the world; but I can honestly say, after having spent these marvelous moments with you, you ain't better than anybody."
Archie: "...that should prove to you (Mike, Gloria and Lionel), that I ain't prejudice."
After getting an autograph picture of Sammy Davis Jr., Mike reads to Archie what Sammy wrote to him:
"To Archie Bunker, the whitest guy I know."
The Bunkers and the Swingers (10/28/72) Written By: Lee Kalcheim and Michael Ross
Edith answers the following ad in Now Family magazine:
Mature, lonely couple seeking new friends, warm affectionate, fun loving, looking for company of lonely, but compatible couple who want to swap good times.
After writing and answering a few letters to Ruth and Curtis Rempley, Edith is still unaware of what this couple really wants. When they show up at the door, even Archie, for the time being, is unaware of what they are there for.
Archie asks Mr. Rempley if he would like a drink of Fleischmans.
Mr. Curtis Rempley: "No, we don't drink. It dulls the senses."
Archie: "That's funny, it has the opposite affect on me. A couple of belts and I'm rearing to go!"
Mrs. Ruth Rempley (to Archie): "Then have a few, by all means."
Archie: "Jeez, youse guys don't smoke, youse don't drink, what do youse do for fun?"
The party is in full "swing" as the Bunkers and Rempleys start out with a night of dancing. Louise Jefferson comes over and asks Edith for a dish. In the kitchen, Edith shows Louise the magazine and ad. She looks shocked and horrified and wonders how to tell Edith what the Rempleys really want.
Louise: "Darling, those are a couple of swingers!"
Edith: "Oh, I know, they won a trophy in the Harvest Moon Dance Contest."
Louise: "No, they are wife-swappers."
Edith: "Wife-swappers? What's that?"
Louise: "They're here to change partners...but not for dancing."
After thinking a few moments...
Edith: "You mean, they want Archie and me to..." (Louise nods) "...Oh my!!"
After seeing revealing pictures of Ruth....
Archie: "I don't want no creepos, weirdos, or sexos in my house!"
***
Archie: "Swingers? Is that what youse are?"
Curtis: "Yeah, what do you call it?"
Archie: "Communism!"
Ruth: "...We were drowning. Swinging saved us."
Edith: "I think I would have drowned."
Archie to Edith after the Rempleys left.
"Don't you read no more magazines!"
***
Edith: "What are you going to do with your present?" (The Rempley's had given Archie a box of expensive cigars and Edith a bottle of Chanel #5).
Archie: "I'm going to do worse than send it back," (Which was what Edith is going to do). "I'm going to burn it." (Archie lights and smokes one of the cigars).
Archie is Branded (2/24/73) Written By: Vincent Bogart, John Rich and Bob Lahendro
Archie goes out to get the Sunday paper. When he comes back into the house, he discovers that a swastika has been painted on his door. Archie shows Edith the swastika.
Edith (gasps): "Oh, my! Who did that?"
Archie: "I wouldn't know, Edith, the artist didn't sign its name."
Archie calls the police.
Mike: "Calling the cops? What's going on?"
Archie (to Mike): "Look at the door."
Mike turns his head and looks at the door, then looks back at Archie, who's still on the phone.
Mike: "Yeah."
Archie: "You Meathead! Open the door and look on the outside!"
Mike: "You didn't tell me to open the door. All you said was 'look at the door.' You didn't say 'open the door and look at it from the outside.' All you said was 'look at the door.'"
Archie: "Open the damn door and look at the outside!"
Archie on the phone with the police....
"Someone come around and painted a swastika on my front door....swastika....swas-ti-ka...one of them German things from World War Two."
***
Meanwhile, a package is delivered for Archie. With the swastika on the door, everyone is suspicious of this package--which turns out to be ticking. They throw the package in the sink, run the water, thinking it is a bomb and run out of the house. After coming back into the kitchen, Archie still hears a ticking noise and finds out that it's Edith's kitchen timer. She was baking a cake for Louise Jefferson's anniversary the next day. The doorbell rings and man named Paul comes into the Bunker's lives. Paul tells Archie that "they" thought 704 Hauser was the Blume's house. Only the Blume's live at 740 Hauser Street. Once Paul realizes that Archie is not Mr. Blume or Jewish, he explains that he is with the Hebrew Defense Association (HDA) offering protection. Their organization fights violence with violence. Mike disagrees and believes things can be settled without violence.
Paul: "The name's Benjamin."
Archie: "Benjamin what?"
Paul: "No, no it's Paul Benjamin. It's one of those names that works both ways. You know, like Jimmy Stewart, Dean Martin--"
Edith: "Pope John."
Archie: "Will you stifle yourself and sit in that chair!"
Paul: "She's a funny lady."
Archie: "I never laugh at her."
***
Archie: "Homosapiens is a killer fag."
Mike: "Archie, homosapiens is man."
Mike and Paul can' t agree on anything. Soon enough, one of Paul's friends arrives and tells him to head over to the Blume's house. The HDA was going to be ready for them. Paul says shalom to the Bunkers and Stivics, gets into his car, starts it and....
LOUD EXPLOSION
Archie: "Holy Jeez, that's Paul! They just blew him up in his car."
Gloria, the Victim (3/17/73) Written By: Austin and Irma Kalish, and Don Nicholl
Edith rushes over to the Jefferson's to get the foot-long hot dogs for tonight's dinner. Gloria comes home, quiet and unaffectionate toward Mike. Edith returns saying that she left a note on the Jefferson's door reading, Emergency! We need hot dogs! P.S. Please read back. Gloria wants to talk to Edith privately in the kitchen. Mike wonders why she's so aloof with him all of a sudden.
Gloria: "Ma, Ma, I have to talk to you."
Edith: "Alright, I'm all ears."
Gloria (nearly shouting): "Well, I can't start talking just like that!"
Edith: "Alright...would you like some coffee?"
Gloria: "No, Ma...thanks."
Edith: "This reminds me of when you was a little girl. We used to talk a lot in the kitchen, remember? I'd teach how to make gingerbread men."
Gloria: "Things aren't like that nowadays, Ma. There are no gingerbread men anymore."
Edith: "No, you're a grown-up lady, now."
Gloria (softly): "Yeah, Ma."
Edith: "Is that a new sweater?"
Gloria: "Oh, uh, no. It's Trudy's. I--uh, changed and took a shower at Trudy's."
Edith: "You showered at Trudy's?"
Gloria: "Ma, they're uh, they're putting up a new apartment building where the old Rialto Theater was."
Edith: "The Rialto! That's where Archie and me saw The Best Years of Our Lives with Fredric March and Myrna Loy."
Gloria: "Ma, I--I was walking past a construction site today--"
Edith: "Yeah? Whenever I walk past a construction site, I like to look through the peep holes in the fence and watch the men workin'. One time, there was someone on the other side lookin' out!"
Gloria: "Ma! I am trying to talk to you!"
Edith: "Well, I'm just talkin' until you're ready."
Gloria: "Well, I'm ready!"
Edith: "Well, alright! Go ahead."
Gloria: "I don't like walking by there because the workers are always whistling and making comments. So, I told Michael about it once, and he said, 'don't walk by there anymore.' Well, it's Saturday. Nobody's working. And I'd thought I'd save myself a few steps." (She begins to choke up) "And that's when it happened. It happened so--"
Edith: "Gloria! Did I tell you Mabel Hefner bought a new sofa?"
Gloria (sobbing): "It happened so fast! I didn't know what--"
Edith (going over to Gloria and putting her arms around her): "It's green and has round brass buttons."
Gloria: "I didn't see the man coming at me! He jumped out from behind and he grabbed me and pulled me behind the fence!"
Edith (hugging Gloria, who is still sobbing): "Mabel says it'll be too dark for the room. Oh, Gloria."
Edith and Gloria come out of the kitchen and into the living room where Archie and Michael are.
Edith: "Michael, Gloria's alright, so don't get upset when she tells you."
Mike: "When she tells me what?" (He walks over to Gloria) "Gloria, Honey, tell me what's the matter?"
Gloria: "Michael, a man grabbed me down at the construction site--"
Mike: "You got mugged!" (He hugs her)
Archie: "Mugged? Who got mugged?"
Mike: "She did!"
Archie: "Gloria got mugged?"
Edith: "No, Archie, Gloria didn't get mugged."
Archie (to Edith): "You got mugged goin' for the hot dogs!"
Edith: "No."
Archie: "Who the hell got mugged?"
Mike: "Will you stay out of this? I want to find out what's going on!"
Archie: "No! I ain't gonna stay out. Who got mugged?"
Mike: "I thought Gloria was. Gloria, what happened, Honey?"
Gloria: "I...was attacked."
Archie: "Huh?!"
Mike: "You mean attacked attacked?"
Edith: "Yeah, she was very lucky."
Archie (stares at Edith): "What?!" What the hell's lucky about that!"
Edith: "No! I didn't mean--"
Gloria: "I fainted! That's what was lucky."
Mike: "You fainted?"
Gloria: "Yes. And when I did, he must've got scared and ran away because well, maybe because he thought I was dead. I don't know, I was so frightened. You see, he dragged me behind the wood there and pushed me down. Then, he put a scarf or something in my mouth, so I couldn't scream. Then, I felt my clothes tearing and his hands on me and I passed out and when I came to, he was gone!" (She sobs again).
Mike (hugging Gloria): "That's alright, that's alright. You okay, now?"
Gloria (quietly): "Yes, Michael, I'm okay."
Mike: "He didn't--"
Gloria: "No! He didn't."
Archie: "Well, thank God for that."
Mike and Edith take Gloria upstairs so she can change into her own clothes. The doorbell rings. Archie answers it and Lionel explains that he read Edith's note about the foot-long hot dogs. He then tells Archie that their dog, Wilma, ate all the hot dogs when Louise took them out to be thawed. Feeling bad about what happened to Archie's dinner, Lionel brings over ravioli TV dinners for everyone. Archie does not like ravioli and had been craving the foot-long hot dogs all day. Edith comes back downstairs. He tells Edith what happened to his dinner.
Archie (sitting in his chair): "Thanks a lot, Edith. You shot another Saturday to Hell. My supper is attacked by the neighbor's dog and my daughter's attacked off of the street. What the hell am I sittin' here for! Let me call the cops!"
Edith: "No, no, I don't think Gloria wants to tell the police about it now."
Archie: "What do you mean she don't want to tell the police about it? That guy might still be workin' around the neighborhood, like Jack the Reaper. Yeah, Operator, get the police."
Edith: "Gloria's too embarrassed to talk now."
Archie: "What are you sayin'? Don't you understand that fiend is still out around there? He could attack anybody--he could even attack you. Them guys don't care who they grab."
Archie (to the police): "....I wanna report...my daughter was attacked. No, no, no, no, not raped. If she was raped, I wouldn't be sayin' nothin' about it. Just a simple case of assault with batteries."
Gloria returns downstairs with Mike. She is horrified that Archie is on the phone.
Gloria: "Daddy, who are you calling?!"
Archie: "I'm calling the Law, Little Girl."
Gloria: "Why are you putting me throught this?"
Mike: "Gloria, you're the only one that knows what the guy looks like. You gotta tell the cops."
Edith: "Mike's right, Gloria."
Gloria: "Not you too, Ma."
Archie: "You should listen to your mother, always."
Edith: "Gloria, I know how you feel."
Archie (to Edith): "Shut up."
Gloria: "I don't wanna go to the police. I'm embarrassed to talk about it anymore!"
Archie hangs up the phone.
Archie: "Well,
all your troubles are over, Little Girl.You don't have to go down and talk to
the cops after all."
Gloria: "Oh, thank you, Daddy."
Archie: "There's a cop comin' over here."
A police officer shows up and Gloria gives the description of the man who attacked her. The officer begins to tell her what may happen in court. They would ask her questions like: Were you seeing this guy? Didn't your husband tell you not to walk past that construction site? What clothes were you wearing? You like people whistling at you? He says that the lawyers may make Gloria look like she "asked for it." After hearing enough questions, Gloria runs into the kitchen and finds Edith there.
Gloria: "Ma, I don't think I can go through it with all those questions."
Edith: "Gloria, all day long, I've been smellin' Rockaway Beach."
Gloria: "What?"
Edith: "....It was a double date with a couple of "wrong numbers." ....Me and my date was comin' out of the Penny Arcade and he took me aside and said, 'How would you like a Malted under the Boardwalk?' A little voice inside of me said, "No!" But on the outside, I said, "Okay!"
Gloria: "Oh, Ma."
Edith: "Well, I don't think I need to tell you that there was no Malted under the Boardwalk. Just the "wrong number" grabbin' at me and pushin' me down."
Gloria: "Just like what happened with me today."
Edith: "Yeah, only with sand."
Gloria: "Ma? What happened? Did he--?"
Edith: "No, I ran from him like crazy."
Gloria: "But how did you get away from him?"
Edith: "Well, my father taught me two things. One was 'never order hamburger from a drug store' and the other was something about knees."
Gloria: "Oh, Ma."
Edith: "Gloria, I never told no one about this because in my time we was too scared to talk open. But what I'm sayin' is, maybe we should have because over the years, I wondered how many other girls that man got under the Boardwalk...and how many didn't get away."
Gloria comes back into the living room. At first, she wants to report the crime, but hearing those questions from the officer, Michael tells her not to report. Archie then tells the officer they are not going to report the crime. Neither Gloria, Michael, or Archie know if they had done the right thing.
Gloria: "Daddy, that maniac is still out there on the street somewhere--"
The Battle of the Month (3/24/73) Written By: Michael Ross and Bernie West
It is Gloria's 23rd birthday and also "that time of the month."
Gloria (to Mike): "...It's that time of the month again."
Archie: "Hey, hey! Little Girl, try talkin' delicate in front of your father."
Gloria: "Oh, Daddy, it's a normal human function."
Archie: "I don't want to hear about normal human functions!"
Edith: "Maybe your father would like to hear 'it's mother nature come to call.'"
The conversation goes on and Gloria gets angrier at Archie.
Gloria: "...Oh, Daddy, anything about sex upsets you because you're narrow minded and puritanical."
Archie: "Hey! What was that?"
Gloria: "And what's more, you're just plain stupid!"
Edith calls Gloria into the kitchen and tries to talk to her about what she had said to Archie, but Gloria says something awful to Edith.
Edith: "I get mad at your father lots of times, but I don't call him stupid."
Gloria: "I know, you don't do anything."
Edith: "Oh, yes I do!"
Gloria: "What?"
Edith: "I go into the kitchen and I make myself a cup of tea."
Gloria: "Well, what good does that do?"
Edith: "Well, I go back in and Archie forgot what we was arguing about, so I won, even though he don't know it."
Gloria: "Ma, you're just giving into him!"
Edith: "Not really!"
Gloria: "Yes, you are. Daddy always gets his way."
Edith: "Not always."
Gloria: "Oh, Ma, you let him walk all over you. He's turned you into a doormat!"
Edith: "A doormat!"
Gloria: "What's right or wrong, whatever Daddy says goes. You're whole life revolves around Daddy."
Edith: "That ain't true!"
Gloria: "Yes, it does. Ma, you ain't got a life of your own!"
Edith: "I do!"
Gloria: "Ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Well, you're not a half, not even a quarter. You're a nothing, a zero!"
Edith: "Gloria!"
Gloria: "And even if you stood up to Daddy ten times as much as you do, ten times nothing is still nothing!"
Gloria then rushes out of the kitchen and joins Archie and Mike at the table, barking out insults to them. Edith brings out the cake for Gloria's birthday and sings in a quick, monotonous voice.
Edith (singing): "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Gloria, Happy Birthday to you!"
Gloria: "Oh, Ma--"
Edith (yelling): "I don't wanna talk to you no more!!"
Archie is trying to sleep, but Edith keeps tossing, turning, and sighing.
Archie: "Hey, Edith."
Edith: "Not now, Archie! I ain't in the mood!"
She then decides to talk about what Gloria had said to her.
Edith: "Archie, do you think I'm a nothing?"
Archie: "What kind of question is that to ask me at two-thirty in the morning?!"
Meanwhile Mike and Gloria are having an argument in their room, which results in Gloria sleeping on the couch and then slapping Mike across the face.
Mike: (to Archie): "Did you see that?"
Archie: "Yeah, it was worth getting up for."
Edith relates a story to Mike, Gloria and Archie, about how her parents got into a terrible fight over not having enough syrup for her father's pancakes. She went on to say that even when they made up, things were never the same between them. Edith ends her story by saying that you should think about what you're going go say to someone before hurting them badly and think about what they really mean to you. After everything cools down, Gloria eventually apologizes to Edith for calling her a nothing.
Gloria: "Ma, I'm sorry I called you a nothing. You're really something."
Edith: "....Archie, did you hear that?"
Archie: "Yeah."
Edith: "Do you think I'm something?"
Archie: "Edith, you are something else."
***
Archie: "That story you told about the syrup pancakes and your parents made me really think, too."
Edith: "That's nice."
Archie: "Made me think about pancakes and syrup. Make me some."
Edith and Archie head to the kitchen for a very early breakfast at 3 a.m.
Archie the Gambler (10/13/73) Written By: Michael Ross and Bernie West
It's not everyday that Archie Bunker brings home gifts for the whole family (excluding the Meathead). On this particular day, Archie is in a rare mood--he's happy. He comes home to hear Edith, Mike, and Gloria singing. Archie then hands out his gifts--perfume for Gloria and bubble bath for Edith. When Edith goes into the kitchen to get Archie his beer, she overhears him telling the suspicious Mike and Gloria how he won his money. Edith drops the beer and scolds Archie for starting to gamble again. Twenty years before, gambling had nearly ruined Archie and Edith's marriage. After swearing up and down that he would never gamble again, Edith recieves a phone call from Barney Hefner telling Edith that he had placed another bet on a horse for Archie.
Archie: "Edith, let me tell you something about beer. You can never buy beer, you can only rent it." (Archie laughs)
Archie: "Did I hear the phone go off?"
Edith: "Yeah!"
Archie: "Who was it for?"
Edith: "It was for you!"
Archie: "Well, who was it?"
Edith: "It was Glow Worm in the Fifth!" (she slaps Archie and runs up the stairs).
***
Gloria: "I never thought I would see the day where Ma would hit Daddy."
Mike (laughing): "Neither can I."
Archie hides away at Kelcy's Bar.
Barney: "When Mabel gave me a hard time I didn't go out. I went home, but I ignored her. Made believe she wasn't even there."
Archie: "That wouldn't work with Edith. I do that even when I ain't mad at her."
Barney: "Arch, you don't understand! I gave her the cold shoulder. I didn't go near her--not downstairs, nor upstairs, if you get my drift."
Archie: "Oh, you done that, huh?"
Barney: "For two weeks. Drove her right up the wall."
Archie: "No, that'd be punishing Edith too hard."
Barney then explains to Archie that if the "quiet way" of keeping women in line wouldn't work, then he should show them the "loud way." Archie decides to keep Edith in line by showing her the "loud way."
Edith: "It's you who's gotta apologize to me!"
Archie: "I gotta?! That's like asking Pearl Harbor to apologize to the Japs!"
Archie: "Did I ever hit you for any reason?"
Edith: "I never gave you any reason!"
Archie: "That don't make no difference! Did you know that a lot of husbands belt their wives, whether they deserve it or not?"
Edith: "Archie, I could forgive you for hitting me. But I don't I could ever forgive you for making me hit you."
This is Archie's apology to Edith, which he wrote 20 years ago. To "update" the apology, all Edith made Archie do was change the date and sign his name.
(Read by Edith): "I'm sorry for what I've done. I don't know how I could've done something so terrible to someone who's been so good to me. I promise never to do it again. I hope you can forgive me.
P.S. I swear to God never to gamble again."
Archie: "Good, that ain't the fanciest writing in the world, but then you ain't no Henry Woolworth Longfellow."
Edith: "I didn't write this, Archie. You did."
Archie: "Get me a pencil!" (to sign the apology)
Edith finds a pencil in her dress pocket and hands it to Archie.
Archie: "She whips it out like Matt Dillon."
While signing his name, Archie says to Edith:
"You're a pip, you know that? A real pip."
We're Having a Heat Wave (9/15/73) Written By: Michael Ross and Bernie West
There's a heat wave in Queens, and the Bunker's air conditioner breaks. They really could not use the air conditioner anyway because of the Energy Crisis. Meanwhile, Watergate occurred and Archie still cannot learn to dislike Tricky Dick. Edith is tired of hearing about Watergate because it makes Archie so angry, but Mike keeps teasing him about it. Along with all of that, the house is available next door and a petition is going around to keep "certain" people out of the neighborhood. Mike discovers Archie reading the petition and blows up at him.
Mike: "You know something? I swear I think you do these things just to eat my heart out. Little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out!"
Archie: "I don't care!"
Mike: "Well, you're not going to get away from this--"
Archie: "What are you going to do about it?"
Mike: "This! WatergateWatergateWatergateWatergate!"
Archie: "I don't wanna hear that no more, Goddammit!"
Archie turns to see a shocked look on Edith's face.
Archie: "What happened to you?"
Edith: "Archie! You shouldn't swear like that!"
Archie: "I did not swear!"
Mike: "You swore, you swore!"
Archie: "I did not!"
Edith: "Ever since this whole Watergate thing, it's been nothing but GD this and GD that!"
Archie: "That ain't swearing, Edith--GD. The first word is God, ain't it? How can that be a swear word, the most popular word in the Bible. The second word, that's damn. That's a perfectly good word! You hear that all the time, like, ah, they dammed the rivers to keep them from flooding, see? And even in the Bible you read someone is damned for cheating, stealing or committing insex in the family. Who else damned them? God! Goddamned him! Edith, beautiful words right out of the Holy Book."
The Lorenzos, Frank and Irene, end up moving next door, and Edith becomes good friends with Irene.
Archie in the Cellar (11/17/73) Written By: Don Nicholl
Mike and Gloria head up to the mountains to a seminar for one of Mike's classes. Edith is headed to Scranton, Pennsylvania to go to a Baptism. Archie has the whole weekend to himself. Irene Lorenzo comes over to fix the weather strip on the door and attaches a new lock. If the lock is turned a certain way, the door stays locked from inside the basement.
Archie (to Irene after she's finished explaining the tricky lock to him): "...You and me alone in the house like this, it don't look, whaddya call it, good."
Irene: "Oh, you're right. You know what Frank would say if he caught us together? 'You can do better than that, Irene.'"
Archie: "Awww, cut it out! You're as nutty as your old man!"
Archie ends up locking himself in the cellar. He tries many times to open to door. He even shoves a note (HELP! MAN IN CELLAR) into the backyard, hoping someone will find it.While he's down there, Archie finds a full bottle of Polish Vodka that had been given to Mike and Gloria from Mike's Uncle Casmir for their wedding. Archie ends up drinking nearly the entire bottle. He passes out, wakes up and forgets what day it is. He then believes that he is dying and speaks his "Last Will and Tenticle" into Stretch Cunningham's tape recorder. While reciting his Will, Archie hallucinates what Mike, Gloria and Edith would say about his death.
Archie (very drunk): "How are you managing without me?"
Edith: "Oh, we're fine."
Archie: "I don't wanna hear that!"
Gloria explains that Edith had won $2 for writing her Most Embarrassing Moment.
Edith: "My Most Embarrassing Moment was when I went down to the cellar and found Archie dead."
Archie (to Edith): "I got something to tell you. I know you'd be upset 'cause this here thing that a guy don't usually tell a woman--I love you, Edith."
Edith: "I know, Archie."
Archie: "You mean I didn't have to tell you that?"
Edith: "No."
Archie: "Then why didn't you stop me?"
After the hallucinations disappear, Archie begins to talk to the Lord.
Archie: "Hey, Lord! I don't want to stay here! If you're going to take me, come on! Take me outta this joint!"
Archie hears a knock on the door.
Man's voice: "Are you down there, Mr. Bunker?"
Archie: "Here I am, Lord!"
Archie (speaking into the tape recorder): "This is it! I'm going with the man upstairs!"
Man's voice: "Mr. Bunker?"
A black man comes downstairs, who is really the oil man. However, Archie, still drunk from the Polish Vodka thinks he's the Lord. Archie then kneels on the floor and says:
"Forgive me, Lord! The Jefferson's was right!"
Edith's Christmas Story (12/22/73) Written By: Austin and Irma Kalish and Don Nicholl
After a practical joke sending the Bunker family into hysterics, Gloria finds Edith in the kitchen, still wondering how her appointment with the doctor went.
Gloria: "Ma, something's wrong, I know you."
Edith: "Why does everybody around here think they know me? Remember, Gloria, deep waters run very still."
Edith finally tells Gloria what really happened to her.
Edith: "I've got a lump in my breast."
Gloria: "What did you say?"
Edith: "I said, I got a--"
Gloria: (runs over and hugs her): "Oh, Ma!"
Edith: "That's the first time I said it out loud."
Gloria: "When are you going to tell Daddy?"
Edith: "Never...!"
***
Mike had overheard the conversation between Gloria and Edith. Archie, meanwhile, still has no idea what had happened to Edith. Irene comes over for breakfast. While both of them sit at the table, Edith confides in Irene to how she's really feeling about everything. She begins to reminisce about how her and Archie, when they were courting, used to go dancing. Archie would say how he felt about her, by singing to her the song that had been playing at that time--'You're the Tops.' Edith suddenly stops telling the story and becomes very serious.
Edith: "I'm afraid that if I have this operation, Archie won't think of me in the same way."
Irene: "Oh, Edith, stop scaring yourself! Archie loves you and nothing's going to change that."
Edith: "But I'm going to change...a lot."
Irene: "Listen, even if you have to have the operation...it'll still be alright. Believe me."
Edith: "You don't know."
To avoid the conversation, she gets up and begins to re-iron one of the sleeves on Archie's shirt. Irene takes Edith's arm to stop her ironing.
Irene: "That's just it, Edith, I do know. I know."
Edith (surprised): "You mean...you?"
Irene (nods): "Six years ago. And you see how Frank and I get along. It didn't make one bit of difference in our marriage."
Irene then sees Edith's eyes wandering.
Irene: "Don't bother looking, Edith."
Edith: "I wasn't--"
Irene: "You can't tell. There's no use asking me."
Edith: "Oh no, I wouldn't think of asking! I mean, I think of it, but I wouldn't ask...oh, Irene, you made me feel so much better!"
The two of them hug. Archie soon finds out that Edith is not Christmas shopping with Gloria. Mike andArchie head to the hospital. Archie finds Edith in the hospital bed, asleep. When she wakes up, she tells Archie he didn't need to be there.
Archie: "Edith, they told me you had cancer."
Edith: "I thought I did too, Archie, but it was just a little cyst. The doctor got rid of it just like that."
Archie: "What are you layin' here for?"
Edith: "Well, when they told me everything was alright, I got so excited and I jumped off the examining table and broke my ankle!"
Archie: "You broke your ankle? That's it?"
Edith: "Yeah."
Archie hugs Edith.
Archie: "Oh, Edith."
Edith: "Oh, Archie."
It was stated in the E! True Hollywood Story: All in the Family that this episode was an eye-opener for many women when it first aired in December of 1973. Soon after, women began to get their annaul check-ups, so cancer could be detected early.
Gloria Sings the Blues (3/2/74) Written By: Michael Ross and Bernie West
For once, Archie and Mike seem to be getting along--they're going on a fishing outing together.
Mike: "Don't worry Arch, I won't say anything to offend your peer group."
Archie: "Pier? We're fishing off a boat!"
Meanwhile, Gloria comes home for work feeling "blah." At dinner, she vents her feelings about how everything about her life is the same. Archie tries to empathize with Gloria by telling a story about his childhood--when he was sad and castor oil cheered him up.
Edith (to Archie): "Castor Oil cheered you up?"
Archie: "Damn right, it was either cheer up or get another dose."
Gloria only gets angrier at Archie and lashes out at both of her parents, upsetting them greatly. The next morning, Gloria still feels down, but Archie is still willing to go fishing with Mike. He rushes upstairs to wake Mike up. Archie then decides to criticize how Mike puts on his shoes and socks.
Archie: "What about the other foot? There ain't no sock on it."
Mike: "I'll get to it." He proceedes to put on his shoe.
Archie: "Don't you know the whole world puts on a sock and sock and a shoe and a shoe?"
Mike: "I like to take care of one foot at a time."
Archie: "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of, you know that?!"
Mike: "It's just as quick my way."
Archie: "That ain't the pernt, you see--" Archie goes on to explain scenarios (i.e. housing burning down or raining outside) to Mike to prove that his way is normal and better. Archie ends his preaching by saying:
"You can start doing it the right way tomorrow and do it that way for the rest of your life!"
Archie heads downstairs and to find Gloria sitting in his chair.
Archie: "Listen, Little Girl. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Do you ever watch your husband dress in the morning?"
Gloria: "Sometimes, why?"
Archie: "Do you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?"
Gloria: "What?"
Archie: "What's the sense asking you, you wear panty hose."
Archie and Mike finally leave for their fishing outing. Edith and Gloria spend the early morning talking the kitchen. Edith tells her a story about the time she felt she didn't love Archie anymore. As it turns out, Gloria thinks she doesn't love Mike anymore either. Mike comes home to see how Gloria is doing and suddenly, she falls in love with him once again. The only problem is, is that Mike carried home Archie's fishing pole.
Archie (to Edith after the fishing outing): "I had to spend five dollars on a lousy fishing pole!"
Mike's Friend (12/14/74) Written By: Roger Shulman and John Baskin
Mike's college friend, Stuart (who studies philosophy) is coming over for a visit.
Edith: "The house will be full of brains tonight." (referring to Mike and Stuart--the college boys).
When Stuart arrives, he "embarrasses" Gloria by telling her how beautiful she is. He and Mike then get into a deep discussion about beauty and what it means.
Gloria: "When I was fourteen, I thought the Beatles' hair was beautiful."
Stuart: "Well, you know a lot of people--"
Mike interrupts him to tell Gloria to help Edith in the kitchen. When Gloria comes back into the living room, she suggests that they all play charades. Mike does not want to, but Stuart does and Gloria acts out the movie Gone With the Wind. Mike then asks Gloria to go into the kitchen and get coffee and cookies. Stuart and Mike are having another one of their "deep intellectual discussions" so, she begins to feel inferior toward Mike and his smart friend. After coming out of the kitchen one more time, Gloria insists on playing one more charade. She tells Mike to "shove it" and heads upstairs. Mike bursts into the room, demanding why she's acting the way she is.
Gloria (looking into a mirror): "How could you marry someone with such a small mind."
Mike: "I don't think you have a small mind."
Gloria: "I was talking to myself, you egotist."
Edith tries to talk with Gloria.
Edith: "Gloria, what's wrong?"
Gloria: "...I don't stimulate him (Mike) anymore!"
Edith: "What?"
Gloria: "I mean mentally, Ma!"
Gloria: "...I'm not smart enough for Michael."
Edith: "Gloria, you should never talk like that. There's lots of ways of being smart. There's book smart and there's people smart. And sometimes, people smart is a lot more important."
Edith goes on to explain how her and Archie bought their house. She told Gloria that Archie had made the man so mad that he wouldn't sell the house to Archie if he was the last man on Earth. Edith then explained to the man that she really loved the house and felt "at home" in it. Her way had bought them 704 Hauser Street. Edith never told Archie, so he still thought that it was his way that bought them the house.
While Gloria and Edith are having their talk, Stuart keeps beating Mike at chess. Stuart decides to tell Mike that he made him play chess and would've rather played charades with Gloria. Mike tells him that charades doesn't really have any "thought" to it.
Stuart (to Mike): "Who has to be thinking all the time? ...I'd like to think I'm more than just that (an intellectual)."
Mike and Gloria have a talk and he decides that when he graduates from Graduate school and gets a job, he'll send Gloria to college. (This never happened, as the series went on).
Amelia's Divorce (1/25/75) Written By: Lou Derman and Bill Davenport
Edith surprises Archie by telling him that Cousin Amelia and her husband, Russell, are coming over for a visit. Archie hates it when relatives, especially Edith's drop by. Edith tells Archie that they had just been to Hawaii and Archie rants on how Russell will talk about his wealthiness. Edith then begins to talk about their marriage....
Edith: "Their marriage was made in Heaven."
Archie: "Where the hell was ours made--in Japan?"
Edith: "I love the way he (Russell) calls her 'honey' and 'sweetheart' and things."
Archie: "I call you things!"
Edith: "But you ain't called me 'honey' or 'sweetheart' for years."
Archie: "Let me tell you something, there's an old saying 'you don't keep running after you catch the bus.'"
The relatives arrive and right away, Russell goes right on telling Archie how much their trip to Hawaii cost. The main reason they had come to visit was to give Archie and Edith souvenirs from their trip.
Archie: "Looks like gypsy underwear."
Amelia: "It is a muumuu." (referring to Edith's gift) And Archie has a Hawaiian shirt."
Archie (holding up the shirt): "Boy, this can the wallpaper in a fag bar!"
Archie reluctantly decides to have Russell go to Kelcy's with him, while Edith and Amelia have coffee and talk in the kitchen. Amelia tells Edith that her and Russell may get a divorce.
Amelia: "He's caught the sex fever, Edith."
Edith: "The...what?"
Amelia: "It's all around us. Look at the magazines, the movies and the sex books--'How To,' 'When To,' and 'Why To.' It makes you feel there's a party going on and you're not invited."
Edith: "I don't think I'd go even if I was invited."
Meanwhile, at Kelcy's, Russell reveals to Archie that he's been cheating on his wife.
Russell: "A guy's gotta look for, you know, greener pastures. After twenty-five years, marriage is like a box of Cracker Jacks with no surprise."
Archie: "Whatsa matter with just the Cracker Jacks?"
Russell: "...I've got a secretary you wouldn't believe. Twenty-four years old and wild, Arch, wild. You know what she calls me?"
Archie: "Grandpa?"
Russell: "No...Tiger! That's what I am when I'm with her, a tiger.
Archie: "...If Amelia finds out, she'll divorce you..."
Russell: "So? When you got dough, divorce is no problem. I mean, its not like you and Edith. You're stuck with her."
Archie: "Listen, I ain't lookin' for greener pastures because Edith is green enough for me!"
Back to Amelia and Edith in the kitchen...(if you ever get the chance to see this episode, watch for Edith's facial expressions and mannerisms during this conversation. What she says is funny, but the facial expressions and mannerisms are very comical as well).
Amelia: "It's been months since Russell and I have been...together."
Edith: "You was together in Hawaii."
Amelia: "No, I mean...together."
Edith: "Oh....I'll get you some more coffee."
Amelia: "Edith, how do you do it?"
Edith: "I just use a new filter."
Amelia: "Of all the people I know, you're practically the only person with a happy marriage."
Edith: "Me and Archie? Oh, thank you..."
Amelia: "You must be doing something right when you go to bed at night."
Edith: "We go to sleep!"
Amelia: "No, no, Edith...nothing more?"
Edith: "Well...nothing more than we've been doing since the minister said we could."
Amelia: "But Edith, do you see pinwheels, skyrockets, and fireworks...like the Fourth of July?"
Edith (with her head down and a huge grin on her face): "With me and Archie, it's more like Thanksgiving!"
Just then, Archie and Russell return from Kelcy's. Soon after that Amelia and Russell leave and Archie is relieved.
Archie: "What did Amelia have to say for herself?"
Edith: "Oh, woman talk. You know, cooking, sewing, the Fourth of July."
Archie: "Are we gonna see them again on the Fourth of July?!"
A moment of silence. Archie and Edith are sitting in their chairs thinking about what happened to Amelia and Russell after so many years of "Heavenly" marriage. Archie takes Edith's hand. They will never end up like Amelia and Russell.
This gesture between them truly shows that "actions speak louder than words."
Archie the Hero (9/29/75) Written By: Lou Derman and Bill Davenport
This time when Archie drives Munson's cab at night, he doesn't pick up a celebrity (Sammy's Visit). Instead, he saves an interesting person's life.
Archie (to Edith and Mike): "You're looking at a hero. What I'd done in my cab tonight, you'll never guess!"
Mike: "You picked up a Puerto Rican."
Archie: "I said I was a hero, not a daredevil."
Archie describes how he saved a woman's life by giving her mouth-to-mouth resusitation. While Archie is in the "reading room," the woman, Beverly LaSalle, comes over to thank Archie for what he'd done. Edith invites her in.
Edith: "Are you in show business?"
Beverly LaSalle: "Yes, I'm a female impersonator."
Edith: "Ain't that interesting! You know, that's smart too; who can imitate a female better than a lady!"
Beverly LaSalle: "I'm afraid you don't understand, Mrs. Bunker. I'm a transvestite."
Edith: "Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, you don't have no accent."
Beverly LaSalle: "Thank you."
Archie appears from the "reading room" and meets Beverly LaSalle. At this point, he's still unaware of what Beverly is...or isn't. Beverly pays Archie for the cab fare and tip by giving him $50. Archie asks if Beverly realized how much money he gave. Beverly wanted to give him more money for saving his life.
Archie: "Well, I can never say no to a lady."
Beverly LaSalle: "I was telling your wife, Mr. Bunker, I'm no lady."
Archie: "Well, however you earned this fifty is no business of mine. I will just say "thank you, Miss...or is it Ms.?"
Beverly LaSalle (takes off wig): "How about Mister."
Mike keeps drilling Archie about if he had known Beverly LaSalle was a transvestite, would he have saved his life?
Edith: "Mike, Archie wouldn't have let him die. It says in the Bible 'love thy neighbor as you love yourself.'"
Archie: "Yeah, it also says in the Bible that a 'witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor..."
Archie goes to Kelcy's to get away from Mike and his interrogation. Munson (the owner of the cab) is there and so is a reporter. The reporter wants to interview Archie for his heroism. Beverly LaSalle shows up (in drag) to give Archie tickets to his upcoming show. Beverly asks Kelcy where he can find the Men's room. The reporter is also in the Men's room. A few moments later, the reporter runs back into the bar.
Reporter (to Archie): "I just saw your lady friend in the Men's room!"
Archie: "No, there must've been a mistake."
Reporter: "I was a medic in the Army, believe me, there was no mistake."
Beverly LaSalle comes back into the bar and everyone is staring. The reporter then asks for the story of how Archie saved Beverly's life. According to Beverly, Archie did not give him mouth-to-mouth, he only pulled to side of the road and a truck driver had given Beverly LaSalle mouth-to-mouth resusitation. But Beverly was still proud of Archie for pulling over when he did. After the story telling, Archie says this to Beverly:
"I just wanted to say that for a dame, you're one helluva guy."
Beverly LaSalle will appear in two other All in the Family episodes. They are 'Beverly Rides Again' and 'Edith's Crisis of Faith.' In 'Beverly Rides Again,' Archie wants to pull a prank on his friend Pinky. So, Beverly helps him out. In 'Edith's Crisis of Faith,' Beverly is murdered because of the person he portrayed. The Bunker/Stivic family is shocked and saddened, but Edith is hurt most of all. Beverly LaSalle may have been "different" to many people, but he was a good friend to Edith and the rest of the Family.
Edith Breaks Out (11/3/75) Written By: Lou Davenport and Bill Davenport
Edith has been spending a lot of her time volunteering at the Sunshine Home for the Aged.
Archie (to Edith): "Oh, Jeez! I told you to stay away from that place! You're liable to bring home some old-time disease."
Edith: "Archie, the only disease them people got is old age."
Archie: "That's the biggest killer, Edith."
Edith: "Reverend Felcher says us Sunshine Ladies are bringing hope to the hopeless and cheer to the cheerless."
Archie: "What about some beer for the beerless."
Archie goes on to explain to Edith that she should not spend any time at the Sunshine Home, her job is to be at home.
Archie: "You are my what?"
Edith: "Wife."
Archie: "And we live in a what?"
Edith: "House."
Archie: "Yes, now put them two things together and whaddya get?"
Edith: "Wifehouse."
Archie: "No! Housewife!"
***
Archie: "She's giving me one of them embalming dinners." (referring to the TV Dinners Edith was warming up in the oven).
***
Archie: "Remember, Edith, charity begins at home and your biggest charity case is me."
***
Edith: "What I'm doing is useful and it makes me feel like I ain't wastin' my life."
Archie: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Being married to A. Bunker is wasting your life?"
Edith explains to Archie how things are different now and she feels bored at home being by herself all the time. She then goes on to reminisce when her and Archie were courting and how he'd write her love letters while he was away at war fighting Hitler.
Archie: "Now listen, don't hold me to anything in there. A soldier writes a lot of things in the heat of battle. Bombs busting in the air and the stink of death starin' you right in the face."
Edith reads him one of the letters anyway. Archie wrote about how he wanted Edith to marry him and there would not be any dull moments. He also wrote the following about fighting in the war.
"....to keep the world safe from Democracy...."
Edith again tries to explain to Archie what it means for her to be a Sunshine Lady. Archie tells Edith that they aren't paying her at the Home because her work isn't worth anything. Edith starts to cry.
Edith: "I think people helping people is important!"
Archie tells her to get dinner on the table, but this time she won't. Archie then orders her to get on the phone and call the Reverend Felcher to tell him that she will not be volunteering at the Sunshine Home anymore. Edith grabs the phone from him, slams it down and yells at Archie.
Edith: "I can be a Sunshine Lady if I wanna be....and I wanna be!"
Edith runs upstairs sobbing and Archie shouts that he's not having dinner at home, but at Kelcy's. Edith runs downstairs.
Edith: "Oh, no you don't! You ain't gonna slam the door in my face because this time it's gonna be your face and I'm gonna be the slammer!!!"
***
Edith is now staying at Mike and Gloria's. Mike comes over to try to talk things out with Archie. Archie shows Mike the Bible.
Archie: "The Good Book. You know what it says in there? It says that 'a woman should cleave into her husband.' Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs."
Mike: "Is that the Gospel according to Archie Bunker?"
Archie: "No, buddy, first chapter of Generous."
Edith drops by to get Gloria a loaf of bread. While she's headed toward the kitchen...
Archie (to Edith): "I could sure go for a beer."
Edith: "Then go for it."
Archie asks Edith if she's still mad at him, and she answers "yes!" He then tells her that he's going to take her out to the Chinese restaurant they used to go when they were courting--Hop Sings. With this, Archie almost wins Edith back...but not until...
Archie: "The Reverend Fletcher--"
Edith: "Felcher."
Archie: "He didn't need to make you no Sunshine Girl because you was always my Sunshine Girl."
Edith kisses him--a sign of forgiveness.
Edith: "Archie, guess what? I ain't a volunteer no more. ....They like my work so much that....they're gonna pay me two dollars an hour!"
The Very Moving Day (9/8/75) Written By: Hal Kanter
Everyone in the Bunker household is helping Mike and Gloria pack and move into their new house next door. Mike and Archie are having a "discussion" about Betty ("Betsy") Ford on television and pre-marital sex.
Archie: "...a sex nut, which is what I call anybody who is for pre-martial sex."
Mike: "Pre-marital."
Archie: "Whatever! Couples ain't supposed to do that before they get married!"
Mike: "But its alright for couples to have pre-marital sex after they're married."
Archie: "Certainly, that's the only time for it...and at night! And I wanna tell you something esle. No daughter of Archie Bunker's would ever get caught fooling around before she got married.
Mike is silent.
Archie: "Get away from me, you dirty guy!"
Mike heads upstairs to pack up more things, and Gloria comes home with some exciting news. She tries to have Archie and Edith guess her news.
Gloria (singing): "I found a million-dollar hmm-hmm at the five and ten cent store."
Archie: "You found a baby at Woolworths?"
Gloria: "I'm going to have a baby!"
Archie: "My baby's gonna have a baby..."
Edith: "Gloria, when are you expectin'?"
Gloria: "I'm two months pregnant--"
Archie: "Listen, Little Girl, bad girls get pregnant. Good girls say they're expectin'."
Archie and Edith decide to go out to dinner and Gloria goes into the kitchen to start dinner for her and Mike. Mike does not know about Gloria being pregnant yet. Before Archie and Edith leave, Archie says to Mike:
"You're okay there, Meathead."
Gloria eventually tells Mike the news and he is happy. However, he begins to re-think everything and preach about how bringing a child in today's society would not be good. Then, he begins to think that Gloria "trapped" him because she had forgotten her "Pills" that time. Mike storms out of the house, leaving Gloria and her unborn baby alone.
Mike visits with Irene Lorenzo.
Irene: "I think your gobbledygook about not having babies because the world is falling apart is just a big crock."
Irene hands him a slip of paper. Mike is still mad that she didn't help or agree with him.
Its late at night, and Mike still hasn't returned home. Gloria is sitting along in Archie's chair. Edith comes downstairs to join her. The two of them talk about abortion.
Gloria: "Ma, don't you feel a woman has the right to do what she wants with her own body?
Edith is silent.
Gloria: "Well?"
Edith: "When I'm sittin' here watchin' them women talk about it on TV, I guess...yes. But when I'm sittin' here with my own daughter, who's carryin' my own grandchild...oh, Gloria, I'm already in love with that baby."
Archie joins them in the living room. He tells Gloria to get out of his chair, but then he has her sit on his lap and they reminisce about her childhood and becoming a young woman.
Mike returns and he reads the slip of paper that Irene had given to him. It is a quote from Alistair Cooke (in Archie and Edith's case--they think it's "Alice the Cook").
Read by Mike: "In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway. And so it would be a crime against nature for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly that we would put off doing those things for which we were intended for in the first place. The oppurtunity to do good work, to fall in love, to enjoy friends, to hit a ball and to bounce a baby." --Alistair Cooke
Grandpa Blues (11/10/75) Written By: Mel Tolkin and Larry Rhine
Mike comes over to see Edith about a problem he had with the laundry. He had mixed Gloria's white bra in with his blue (colored) shorts.
Edith: "You should never mix coloreds and whites."
Mike: "Yeah, Archie's been telling me that for years."
Archie may lose his job at the loading dock if he doesn't pass the company physical. To make sure he's in good health, he sees a doctor who confirms that Archie has high blood pressure. The doctor's orders are for him to rest for the entire weekend. Meanwhile, Mike and Gloria are thinking of naming their baby Stanilaus. When Archie finds out about that, he has a difficult time staying calm.
Archie: "Who the hell is little Stanislaus?"
Mike: "Well, if we had a boy, that might be his name."
Archie: "Stanislaus? How did you think of a nutty name like that?"
Mike: "That was my father's name. It's a good name."
Archie: "If it's a good name, how come he named you Meathead?"
Mike: "He named me Michael. You named me Meathead."
Gloria: "Before you get all upset, Daddy, would you like to hear the other name we were considering if it's a boy?"
Archie: "What?"
Gloria: "Archie."
Edith: "Oh, that's your name!"
Archie: "You don't say!"
Gloria: "See Daddy? We didn't forget about you. We thought we'd use both grandfather's names and call him Stanislaus Archibald Stivic."
Archie: "How come you didn't think of the other way around? Archibald Stanislaus Stivic?"
Gloria: "Awww, Daddy, you wouldn't want your grandchild to have those initials."
Mike: "Well, it would fit the American grandfather."
Archie: "Are you callin' me an ass!"
***
Archie: "Stanislaus. What the hell kind of a middle name is Laus?"
Gloria: "It's all one name."
Mike: "Arch, the kids will call him Stanley."
Archie: "They will call him Laus! Little kids are mean and rotten. I oughta know, I used to be one."
Gloria: "Why? Did the kids make fun of your name?"
Archie: "Yes!"
Edith: "Archibald is a nice name."
Archie: "Archibald stinks! When the kids in the neighborhood found out I was named Archibald, they brung me up to the Bronx and left me there!"
The name Stanislaus continues to erupt an argument between Mike, Gloria, and Archie. Edith ends up pushing Mike and Gloria out of the house, so Archie could have peace and quiet, like the doctor told him to.
Archie (to Edith): "You just threw your own pregnant daughter out of the house."
Edith: "I know."
Archie and Edith relax..
Archie: "You're a good wife, Edith."
Edith: "And you're a good husband."
A moment of silence.
Edith: "You wanna go upstairs?" (meaning to rest)
Archie: "In the daylight, Edith?"
Edith: "Oh...Archie! I didn't mean that!"
Archie: "I know, I know. Do you wanna?"
Edith smiles and nods.
The two of them head upstairs for some afternoon delight.
***
At work, on Monday morning, Archie sees the company doctor.
Company Doctor: "I'm Doctor Furguson--Stanley Furguson."
Archie: "Oh, Stanley...always loved that name."
Archie passes his physical and does not lose his job.
Please go to More Favorite All in the Family Episodes
~ Sign Guestbook ~ View Guestbook ~
Copyright © 2008 by Kristi N. Zanker