NOT SINCE CHARLIE CHAPLIN
FIRST REPORTER
Guarda! It's Guido Contini!
GUIDO
Oh my God!
GUIDO AND LUISA
Reporters!
REPORTERS AND SPA PEOPLE
Guido Contini! Guido Contini! Guido Contini!
Guido Contini is here at the spa!
Not since Charlie Chaplin has there
Ever been
A film director like this-Guido
Contini!
Everything he does gets world
Attention
Whether it's a hit or a miss-Guido
Contini!
He writes the script!
He writes the score!
He's the director!
And even more
He's a consummate actor!
SECOND REPORTER
So what's your new film about, Guido?
GUIDO
I do not discuss a script until I've finished writing it!
THIRD REPORTER
Your producer claims you haven't even started it.
GUIDO
That's ridiculous! Where is she?
THIRD REPORTER
In Paris.
SECONF REPORTER
Trying to find you.
FIRST REPORTER
Does your wife know you're travelling with this woman?
GUIDO
This is my wife.
CARLA
Guido...!
GUIDO
Carla! My God! What're you doing here in Venice?
CARLA
I had to see you right away. I'm staying at the Albergo
Caldo, numero cinque-cinque-
GUIDO
Cinque-cinque.
CARLA
I have wonderful news, I'll be waiting!
LUISA
Guido, was that Carla?
GUIDO
Carla? No-no my love-I told you, that's all over with.
CLAUDIA
Guido...!
GUIDO
Claudia! I've been trying to reach you! I need you for my film!
OUR LADY OF THE SPA
Signor Contini, telephone, line seven; it's from Paris!
GUIDO
Claudia?
LILIANE LA FLEUR
No, it's Liliane, your producer. Remember me?
GUIDO
Oh yes.
LILIANE
I still haven't seen a script! What are you doing in Venice?
GUIDO
Well, I'm, I'm...scouting locations!
LILIANE
I see! That must mena that the film's going to shot
in Venice. Thanks for telling me. I'll see you tomorrow.
GUIDO
Wonderful.
REOPRTERS AND SPA PEOPLE
No task too big!
GUIDO
So she's coming here!
REOPRTERS AND SPA PEOPLE
No task too small!
GUIDO
Now what do I do?
REOPRTERS AND SPA PEOPLE
He sketches costumes!
GUIDO
I'll go to Paris!
REOPRTERS AND SPA PEOPLE
And that's not all
He writes the subtitles!
OUR LADY OF THE SPA
Signor Contini, telephone, line five,
it's the Hollywood reporter!
GUIDO
Luisa, please help me!
GUIDO'S SONG
GUIDO
I would like to be here, I would like
To be there,
I would like to everywhere at once.
I know that's a contradiction in terms,
And it's a problem, especially when
My body's clearing forty as my mind is
Nearing ten.
I can hardly stay up, and I can't get to
Sleep,
And I don't want to wake tomorrow
Morning
At the bottom of some heap,
But why take it so seriously?
After all, there's nothing at
Stake here-only me.
I want to be young, and I want to be
Old.
I would like to be wise before my time
And yet be foolish and brash and bold.
I would like the universe to get down
On it's knees
And say, "Guido, whatever you please,
It's okay. Even if it's impossible, we'll
Arrange it."
That's all that I want.
I am lusting for more. Should I settle
For less?
I ask you, what's a good thing for, if
Not for taking it to excess?
One limitation I dearly regret,
There's only one of me I've ever met.
I would like to have another me to
Travel along with myself.
I would even like to be able to sing a
Duet with myself.
I would like to be here (Sing along
With myself in a song)
To be there (Walking down a lane now,
Everywhere)
Everywhere (Everywhere. That's a
Contradiction in terms. I want to)
Here (With a counter-)
Here (Melody in the)
Here (Top of the morning to you, Guido)
Guido (Guido)
Guido (Guido)
Guido (Me)
Me (Me).
I want to be Proust or the Marquis De
Sade,
I would like to be Christ, Mohammed,
Buddha
But not have to believe in God,
And you know I mean it with all of my
Heart.
It's the end if something important
Doesn't start.
I want to be young, but I have to be
Old.
What I want is a tale of sound and
Fury
That some idiot went and told.
I would like the universe to get down
On it's knees
And say, "Guido, whatever you please,
It's okay.
Even if it's ridiculous, we'll arrange
it."
So arrange it!
ALL
Arrange it!
GUIDO
That's all that I want!
THE GERMANS AT THE SPA
MAMA MADDELENA CHAMBERMAIDS
Clear the decks,
Be alert. We'll clear the
Decks, we'll be
Alert.
Fix your tie, fix
Your shirt. We'll fix our tie
And shirt.
Be prepared to
Change a foreign
Coin. Deutschmarks,
Francs, Kroner,
Pfennigs,
Shillings.
You all know what
To do. We all know what
To do.
They're on their
Way, you know
Who. They're on their
Way, we know
Who
Eins, zwei, drei, Eins, zwei, drei,
Vier, funf, sechs, Vier, funf, sechs,
Sieben, acht, neun. Sieben, acht, neun.
The Germans at the spa, the Germans at
The spa,
They'll soon be arriving here to spend
A lost weekend in Shangri-La.
The Germans at the spa descend from
German mounts.
They've come to take the waters with
The daughters of Italian counts.
How we love to have the Germans at
The spa.
Carefully avoiding and slight faux pas.
For the Germans at the spa, For the Germans
At the spa,
For the Germans alles must be perfect.
The Germans are coming, The Germans
Are coming,
Roll out the wienerscnitz, roll out
The wienerscnitz.
They'll soon be arriving, the spa will
Be thriving.
They'll come, they'll sit, they'll
Schvitz.
They'll come, they'll sit, they'll
Schvitz.
Be sure there's lots of German music
Playing.
Und was du tust in meinem brust,
O mein geliebter, o meine herz, alle
Geliebter, und so weiter.
MAMA MADDELENA CHAMBERMAIDS
Go mow the lawns.
I'll mow the
Lawns.
Go cool the beer.
I'll cool the beer.
Go shell the
Prawns.
I'll shell the
Prawns.
I think they're
Here. They're here.
GERMANS
Ve're here, ve're here,
The Germans at the spa, the Germans at
The spa.
We just got in a minute ago, 'cause
Germany is filled with snow.
Together now hurrah for the Germans
At the spa.
MAMA MADDELENA
Of anything the could have chosen,
Why do they wear lederhosen?
GERMANS
How ve love to spielen at our favorite
Spa,
Carefully avoiding all the French
Bourgeois,
For the Germans at the spa, for the
Germans at the spa,
For the Germans alles must be German.
The Germans are laughing, ve're all
Photographing,
Ve click the hasselblad, ve click the
Hasselblad,
Und jetzt ve're unpacking. If nothing is
Lacking, Ve take a promenade, ve take a
Promenade.
And vot's that lovely music I hear
Playing?
Und was do tust in meinem brust,
O mein geliebter, o meine herz, alle
Geliebter, und so weiter
GERMAN 1
Just vunce a year I can romance
Beneath the dance of an Italian
Apricot moon,
GERMAN 2
Und vunce a year I can be more than
Just another tycoon.
Too soon this all shall pass.
ITALIANS
The Germans at the spa
Are eating halevah
And closing a deal for oil with
A noted Middle Easter shah.
GERMANS
Ve excercise by day,
At night romantic play,
I'm dancing with Isolde. When I
Hold 'er evrything's o.k.
ITALIANS
How we love to see the Germans at the
Spa.
GERMANS
How ve love to be the Germans at the
Spa.
ALL
For the Germans at the spa, for the
Germans at the spa,
For the Germans Italy is heaven.
GERMANS
(The Germans are coming etc.) Just vunce
A year
We have the chance to find romance
Beneath the dance
Of an Italian apricot moon.
Und vunce a year ve can be absolutely
Free
As if ve're floating like a helium
Balloon.
ITALIANS
Be sure there's lots of German music
Playing,
How we love to have the Germans at
The Spa!
MY HUSBAND MAKES MOVIES
REPORTERS
Not sincr Charlie Chaplin
Has there ever been a film Director
Like this
FIRST REPORTER
Mrs. Comtini, is there any truth to the rumor
that your marriage is in jeopardy?
LUISA
None whatsoever.
My husband makes movies.
To make them he lives a kind of dream
In which his actions aren't always
What they seem.
He may be on to some unique romantic
Theme.
Some men catch fish, some men tie
Flies,
Some earn their living baking bread.
My husband, he goes a little crazy
Making movies instead.
My husband spins fantasies,
He lives them, then gives them to you
All.
When he was working on the film on
Ancient Rome,
He made the slave girls take the
Gladiators home.
Some men buy stocks, some men punch
Clocks,
Some leap where others dare to tread.
My husband as author and director,
Makes up stories in his head.
Guido Contini, Luisa Contini,
Number one genius and number one fan,
Guido Contini, Luisa Contini,
Daughter of well-to-do Florentine
Clan,
Long ago, twenty years ago,
Once the names were Guido Contini,
Luisa Del Forno,
Actress with dreams and a life of her
Own,
Passionate, wild and in love on Livorno,
Singing with Guido all night on the
Phone.
Long ago, someone else ago, how he
Needs me so,
And he'll be the last to know it.
My husband makes movies.
To make them, he makes himself
Obsessed.
He goes for weeks on end without a
Bit of rest,
No other way can he achiev his level
Best.
Some men read books, some shine their
shoes,
Some retire early when they've seen
The evening news.
My husband only rarely comes to bed,
My husband makes movies instead,
My husband...makes movies...
FIRST REPORTER
Thank you very much, Mrs. Contini.
