NOW
FREDRIK
Now, as the sweet imbecilities
Tumble so lavishly
Onto her lap,
Now, there are two possibilities:
A, I could ravish her,
B, I could nap.
Say It's the ravishment, then we see
The option
That follows, of course:
A, The deployment of charm, or
B, The adoption
Of physical force.
Now, B might arouse her,
But if I assume I trip on my trouser
Leg crossing the room...
Her hair getting tangled,
Her stays getting snapped,
My nerves would be jangled,
My energy sapped...
Removing her clothing
Would take me all day,
And her subsequent loathing
Would turn me away,
Which eliminates B
And which leaves us with A.
Now, insofar as approaching it,
What would be festive
But have its effect?
Now, there are two ways of broaching it:
A, the suggestive,
And B, the direct.
Say that I settle on B, to wit,
A charmingly Lecherous mood,
A, I could put on my nightshirt or sit
Disarmingly, B, in the nude.
That might be effective;
My body's all right--
But not in perspective
And not in the light.
I'm bound to be chilly
And feel a buffoon,
But nightshirts are silly
In mid-afternoon.
Which leaves the suggestive,
But how to proceed?
Although she gets restive,
Perhaps I could read.
In view of her penchant
For something romantic,
De Sade is to trenchant
And Dickens too frantic,
And Stendhal would ruin
The plan of attack,
As there isn't much blue in "The Red and the Black."
De Maupassant's candour
Would cause her dismay,
The Brontes are grander
But not very gay,
Her taste is much blander,
I'm sorry to say,
But is Hans Christian Ander-
Sen ever risque?
Which eliminates A...
Now, with my mental facilities
Partially muddied
And ready to snap,
Now, though there are possibilities
Still to be studied, I might as well nap.
Bow
Though I must
To adjust
My original plan,
How
Shall
I sleep
Half as deep
As I usually can,
When now I still want and/or love you,
Now as always,
Now, Anne?
LATER
HENRIK
Later...
When is later?
All you ever hear is "Later, Henrik, Henrik, later."
"Yes, we know, Henrik,
Oh, Henrik, Everyone agrees, Henrik, Please, Henrik!"
You have a thought you're fairly bursting with,
A personal discovery or problem, and it's:
"What's your rush, Henrik?
Shush, Henrik!
Goodness, how you gush, Henrik!
Hush, Henrik!"
You murmur:
"I only-- It's just that--"
"For God's sake, later, Henrik!"
"Henrik... Who is Henrik?
Oh, that lawyer's son, the one who mumbles.
Short and boring,
Yes, he's hardly worth ignoring,
And who cares if he's all dammed--"
I beg your pardon--
"Up inside?"
As I've often stated,
It's intolerable being tolerated.
"Reassure Henrik, Poor Henrik. Henrik, you'll endure
Being pure, Henrik."
Though I've been born, I've never been!
How can I wait around for later?
I'll be ninety on my deathbead
And the late, or, rather, later, Henrik Egerman.
Doesn't anything begin?
SOON
ANNE
Soon, I promise,
Soon, I won't shy away,
Dear old--
Soon, I want to.
Soon, whatever you say.
Even now,
When you're close and we touch,
And you're kissing my brow,
I don't mind it too much.
And you'll have to admit I'm endearing,
I help keep things humming, I'm not domineering--
What's one small shortcoming?
And think of how I adore you,
Think of how much you love me.
If I were perfect for you,
Wouldn't you tire of me
Soon,
All too soon,
Dear old--
NOW / LATER / SOON
ANNE, HENRIK AND FREDRIK [asleep]
Soon,
Later...
Now, I promise.
When is later?
As the sweet imbecilities
Soon,
All you ever hear is
Trip on my trouser leg, I won't shy away,
"Yes, we know, Henrik, Stendhal elimanates
A... Oh, Henrik,
Dear old--
Everyone agrees, Henrik, please, Henrik..."
Soon,
As I've I want to.
Often stated,
Soon,
Whatever you say.
When? But when?
Even now,
Maybe
Maybe
When you're close
Soon, soon,
Later,
And we touch, I'll be ninety
When I'm kissing your brow
And you're kissing
And dead.
My brow
And I'm stroking your head, I don't mind it
I don't mind it
Too much.
Too much.
You'll come into my bed.
And you'll have to
Since I have to
And you have to
Admit
Admit
Admit I'm endearing, I find peering
I've been hearing
I help
Through life's
All those tremulous cries,
Keep things humming,
Grey windows
Impatiently
Patiently
I'm not
Not
Not Domineering--
Very cheering.
Interfering
What's one
Do I fear death?
With those tremulous thighs.
Small shortcoming?
Let it come to me
Come to me
And think of
Now,
Soon,
How I adore you,
Think of
Now,
Soon,
How much you love me.
If I were perfect
Now,
Soon,
For you,
Wouldn't you
Now...
Soon...
Tire of me
Later?
Come to me soon,
Come to me soon,
We will,
If I'm dead
Straight to me,
Later.
I can wait.
Never mind how.
We will,
How can I live
Darling, now--
Soon...
Until later?
I still want and/or
Later...
Love you,
Soon...
Later...
Now as always,
Now... Desiree!
THE GLAMOUROUS LIFE
FREDRIKA
Ordinary mothers lead ordinary lives,
Keep the house and sweep the parlor,
Cook the meals and look exhausted.
Ordinary mothers, like ordinary wives,
Fry the eggs and dry the sheets
And try to deal with facts--
Mine acts!
DESIREE
Darling, I miss you a lot,
But, darling, this has to be short,
As mother is getting a plaque
From the Halsingborg Arts Council Amateur Theatre Group.
Whether it's funny or not,
I'll give you a fuller report
The minute they carry me back
From the Halsingborg Arts Council Amateur Theatre Group.
Love you.
QUINTET
Unpack the luggage, la la la,
Pack up the luggage, la la la,
Unpack the luggage, la la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous life!
MR. SEGSTROM
Ice in the basin, la la la,
MR. ERLANSEN
Cracks in the plaster, la la la,
MRS. ANDERSSEN
Mice in the hallway, la la la,
QUINTET
Hi-ho, the glamorous life!
Run for the carriage, la la la,
Wolf down the sandwich, la la la,
Which town is this one, la la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous life!
MADAME ARMFELDT:
Ordinary daughters ameliorate their lot,
Use their charms and choose their futures,
Breed their children, heed their mothers.
Ordinary daughters, which mine, I fear, is not,
Tend each asset, spend it wisely
While it still endures--
Mine tours!
DESIREE
Mother, forgive the delay.
My schedule is driving me wild.
But, mother, I really must run--
I'm performing in Rottwig, and don't ask "where is it,"
Please...
How are you feeling today?
And are you corrupting the child?
Don't.
Mother, the minute I'm done
With performing in Rottwig,
I'll come for a visit
And argue.
QUINTET
Mayors with speeches, la la la,
Children with posies, la la la,
Half-empty houses, la la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous life!
MRS. NORDSTROM
Cultural lunches,
QUINTET
La la la,
MRS. ANDERSSEN
Dead floral tributes,
QUINTET
La la la,
MR. LINDQUIST
Ancient admirers,
QUINTET
La la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous life.
DESIREE
Pack up the luggage, la la la,
Unpack the luggage, la la la,
Mother's surviving, la la la,
Leading the glamorous life.
Cracks in the plaster, la la la,
Youngish admirers, la la la,
Which one was that one, la la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous life.
DESIREE AND QUINTET
Bring up the curtain, la la la,
Bring down the curtain, la la la,
Bring up the curtain, la la la,
Hi-ho, the glamorous...
DESIREE
Life!
REMEMBER?
MR. LINDQUIST
Remember?
MRS. NORDSTROM
Remember?
The old deserted beach that we walked--
Remember?
MR. LINDQUIST
Remember?
The cafe in the park where we talked--
Remember?
MRS. NORDSTROM
Remember?
MR. LINDQUIST
The tenor on the boat that we chartered,
Belching "The Bartered Bride"--
BOTH
Ah, how we laughed!
Ah, how we cried!
MR. LINDQUIST
Ah, how you promised, and ah, how I lied.
MRS. NORDSTROM
That dilapidated in--
Remember, darling?
MR. LINDQUIST
The proprietess's grin,
Also her glare.
MRS. NORDSTROM
Yellow gingham on the bed--
Remember, darling?
MR. LINDQUIST
And the canopy in red,
Needing repair.
BOTH
I think you were there.
MRS. NORDSTROM
The local village dance on the green--
Remember?
MR. LINDQUIST
Remember?
The lady with the large tambourine--
Remember?
MRS. NORDSTROM
The one who played the harp in her boa
Thought she was so adept.
BOTH
Ah, how we laughed!
Ah, how we wept!
Ah, how we polka'd--
MRS. NORDSTROM
And ah, how we slept!
How we kissed and how we clung--
Remember, darling?
MR. LINDQUIST
We were foolish, we were young--
BOTH
More than we knew.
MRS. NORDSTROM
Yellow gingham on the bed,
Remember, darling?
And the canopy in red--
MR. LINDQUIST
Or was it blue?
MRS. SEGSTROM
The funny little games that we played--
Remember?
MR. ERLANSEN
Remember?
The unexpected knock of the maid--
Remember?
MRS. ANDERSSEN
Remember?
The wine that made us both rather merry
And oh so very frank--
ALL
Ah, how we laughed!
Ah, how we drank!
MR. ERLANSEN
You acquiesced--
MRS. ANDERSSEN
And the rest
Is a blank.
MR. LINDQUIST
What we did with your perfume--
MR. ERLANSEN
Remember, darling?
MRS. SEGSTROM
The condition of the room
When we were through...
MRS. NORDSTROM
Our inventions were unique--
Remember, darling?
MR. LINDQUIST
I was limping for a week,
You caught the flu.
ALL
I'm sure it was...you.
YOU MUST MEET MY WIFE
FREDRIK
She lightens my sadness,
She livens my days,
She bursts with a kind of madness
My well-ordered ways.
My happiest mistake, the ache of my life:
You must meet my wife.
She bubbles with pleasure,
She glows with surprise,
Disrupts my accustomed leisure
And ruffles my ties.
I don't know even now quite how it began.
You must meet my wife, my Anne.
One thousand whims to which I give in,
Since her smallest tear turns me ashen.
I never dreamed that I could live in
So completely demented, contented a fashion.
So sunlike, so winning,
So unlike a wife.
I do think that I'm beginning
To show signs of life.
Don't ask me how at my age one still can grow--
If you met my wife, you'd know.
DESIREE [speaking]:
Dear Fredrik,
I'm just longing to meet her.
Sometime.
FREDRIK
She sparkles...
DESIREE
How pleasant.
FREDRIK
She twinkles...
DESIREE
How nice.
FREDRIK
Her youth is a sort of present--
DESIREE
Whatever the price.
FREDRIK
The incandescent--what?--the--
DESIREE [offering a cigarette]:
Light?
FREDRIK
--of my life.
You must meet my wife.
DESIREE
Yes, I must. I really must.
Now--
FREDRIK
She flutters.
DESIREE
How charming.
FREDRIK
She twitters.
DESIREE
My word!
FREDRIK
She floats.
DESIREE
Isn't that alarming?
What is she, a bird?
FREDRIK
She makes me feel I'm--what?--
DESIREE
A very old man.
FREDRIK
Yes--no!
DESIREE
No?
FREDRIK
But--
DESIREE
I must meet your Gertrude.
FREDRIK
My Anne.
DESIREE
Sorry--Anne.
FREDRIK
She loves my voice, my walk, my mustache,
The cigar, in fact, that I'm smoking.
She'll watch me puff until it's just ash,
Then she'll save the cigar butt.
DESIREE
Bizarre, but
You're joking.
FREDRIK
She dotes on--
DESIREE
Your dimple.
FREDRIK
My snoring.
DESIREE
How dear.
FREDRIK
The point is, she's really simple.
DESIREE
Yes, that much seems clear.
FREDRIK
She gives me funny names--
DESIREE
Like?
FREDRIK
"Old Dry-as-Dust."
DESIREE
Wouldn't she just?
FREDRIK
You must meet my wife.
DESIREE
Yes, I must, yes, I must.
FREDRIK
A sea of whims that I submerge in,
Yet so loveable in repentance.
Unfortunately still a virgin,
But you can't force a flower--
DESIREE
Don't finish that sentence!
She's monstrous!
FREDRIK
She's frightened.
DESIREE
Unfeeling!
FREDRIK
Unversed.
She'd strike you as unenlightened--
DESIREE
No, I'd strike her first.
FREDRIK
Her reticence, her apprehension--
DESIREE
Her crust!
FREDRIK
No!
DESIREE
Yes!
FREDRIK
No!
DESIREE
Fredrik!
FREDRIK
You must meet my wife.
DESIREE
Let me get my hat and my knife!
FREDRIK
What was that?
DESIREE
I must meet your wife.
FREDRIK AND DESIREE
Yes, you must.
Yes, I must.
LIASONS
MME. ARMFELDT
At the villa of the Baron De Signac,
Where I spent a somewhat infamous year,
At the villa of the Baron De Signac
I had ladies in attendance,
Fire-opal pendants...
Liaisons!
What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
Disgraceful!
What's become of them?
Some of them
Hardly pay their shoddy way.
What once was a rare champagne
Is now just an amiable hock,
What once was a villa, at least,
Is "digs."
What once was a gown with train
Is now just a simple little frock,
What once was a sumptuous feast
Is figs.
No--not even figs--raisins!
Ah, liaisons!
Now, where was I?
Where was I?
Oh, yes...
At the palace of the Duke of Ferrara,
Who was prematurely deaf but a dear,
At the palace of the Duke of Ferrara
I acquired some position
Plus a tiny Titian...
Liaisons!
What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
To see them--indiscriminate
Women, it
Pains me more than I can say,
The lack of taste that they display!
Where is style?
Where is skill?
Where is forethought?
Where's discretion of the heart?
Where's passion in the art?
Where's craft?
With a smile
And a will
But with more thought,
I acquired a chateau
Extravagantly o-
Verstaffed.
Too many people muddle sex
With mere desire,
And when emotion intervenes
The nets descend.
It should on no account perplex,
Or worse, inspire;
It's but a pleasurable means
To a measurable end.
Why does no one comprehend?
Let us hope this lunacy's just a trend.
Now where was I?
Where was I?
Oh, yes...
In the castle of the King of the Belgians,
(We would visit through a false chiffonier)
In the castle of the King of the Belgians
Who, when things got rather touchy,
Deeded me a duchy...
Liaisons!
What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
Untidy!
Take my daughter, I
Taught her, I
Tried my best to point the way.
I even named her
Desiree.
In a world where the kings are employers,
Where the amateur prevails
And delicacy fails
To pay,
In a world where the princes are lawyers,
What can anyone expect
Except to recollect Lia....
[She falls asleep.]
IN PRAISE OF WOMEN
CARL-MAGNUS
She wouldn't...therefore they didn't...
So then it wasn't...not unless it...would she?
She doesn't...
God knows she needn't...therefore it's not.
He'd never...therefore they haven't...
Which makes the question absolutely...could she?
She daren't...therefore I mustn't...what utter rot!
Fidelity is more than mere display;
It's what a man expects from life.
Fidelity like mine to
Desiree
And Charlotte, my devoted wife.
The papers...he mentioned papers,
Some legal papers which I didn't see there.
Where were they, the goddamn papers she had to sign?
What nonsense!
He brought her papers,
They were important, so he had to be there.
I'll kill him!...
Why should I bother?
The woman's mine!
Besides, no matter what one might infer,
One must have faith to some degree.
The least that I can do is trust in her
The way that Charlotte trusts in me.
Capable, pliable
Women, women...
Understanding and reliable,
Knowing their place.
Insufferable, yes, but gentle,
Their weaknesses are incidental.
A functional but ornamental
Race.
Durable, sensible
Women, women...
Very nearly indispensable
Creatures of grace.
God knows the foolishness about them,
But if one had to live without them,
The world would surely be a poorer,
If purer,
Place.
The hip-bath...about that hip-bath...
How can you slip and trip into a hip-bath?
The papers...where were the papers?
Of course, he might have taken back the papers.
She wouldn't...therefore they didn't...
The woman's mine!
