ACT ONE
1.PRELUDE Orchestra 2.I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU RENO My story is much too sad to be told, But practically ev'rything leaves me totally cold The only exception I know is the case When I'm out on a quiet spree Fighting vainly the old ennui And I suddenly turn and see Your fabulous face. I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, So tell me why should it be true That I get a kick out of you? Some get a kick from cocaine. I'm sure that if I took even one sniff That would bore me terrific'ly too Yet I get a kick out of you. I get a kick ev'rytime I see You standing there before me. I get a kick though it's clear to me You obviously don't adore me. I get no kick in a plane, Flying too high with some guy in the sky Is my idea of nothing to do, Yet I get a kick out of you. 3.THERE'S NO CURE LIKE TRAVEL GIRL My dear, you're sailing off without me. Yet you don't seem to give a damn. SAILOR I know it's fearful of me not to be More tearful, But thank heaven I am. GIRL You mean to say you're glad to leave me? Can I believe that's what you mean? SAILOR Why, don't be funny, I'm just wild about you, honey, But I'm oh, so glad, so glad, It's driving me mad to say goodbye To all things that typify The humdrum of my daily routine. CREW And there's no cure like travel To help you unravel The worries of living today. When the poor brain is cracking There's nothing like packing A suitcase and sailing away. Take a run 'round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna, Sienna And then a-'round Rome. Have as high time, a low time, And in no time You'll be singing "Home, Sweet Home". 4.BON VOYAGE PURSER Final call! All ashore that's goin' ashore! Final call! CREW Bon voyage, PASSENGERS You mean "Bon Voyage". CREW I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart. By the seashore, PASSENGERS You mean "sur la plage". All I'll wait and watch the sea Till you come back to me, CREW Oh my dearie, PASSENGERS You mean "ma ch�rie", CREW I'm yours for life, PASSENGERS You mean "pour la vie", CREW So kiss me, pretty wench, All In English or in French. Bon voyage - "bon voyage". CREW And there's no cure like travel To help you unravel, etc. PASSENGERS Bon voyage, I mean "bon voyage", etc. All And there's no cure like travel To help you unravel The worries of living today. When the poor brain is cracking There's nothing like packing A suitcase and sailing away. Take a run 'round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna, Sienna And then a-'round Rome. Have as high time, a low time, And in no time You'll be singing "Home, Sweet Home". 5.YOU'RE THE TOP RENO Billy, where's the old Crocker confidence? You Think he's got one tiny fraction of your brains, your looks, your...your... At words poetic, I'm so pathetic That I always have found it best, Instead of getting 'em off my chest, To let 'em rest unexpressed, I hate parading my serenading As I'll probably miss a bar, But if this ditty is not so pretty But least it'll tell you How great you are. You're the top! You're the Colosseum. You're the top! You're the Louvre Museum. You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss You're a Bendel bonnet, A Shakespeare's sonnet, You're Mickey Mouse. You're the Nile, You're the Tower of Pisa, You're the smile on the Mona Lisa I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop, But if, baby, I'm the bottom you're the top! BILLY Your words poetic are not pathetic. On the other hand, babe, you shine, And I can feel after every line A thrill divine Down my spine. Now gifted humans like Vincent Youmans Might think that your song is bad, But I got a notion I'll second the motion And this is what I'm going to add; You're the top! You're Mahatma Gandhi. You're the top! You're Napoleon Brandy. You're the purple light Of a summer night in Spain, You're the National Gallery You're Garbo's salary, You're cellophane. You're sublime, You're turkey dinner, You're the time, the time of a Derby winner I'm a toy balloon that is fated soon to pop But if, baby, I'm the bottom, You're the top! RENO You're the top! You're an arrow collar You're the top! You're a Coolidge dollar, You're the nimble tread Of the feet of Fred Astaire, You're an O'Neill drama, BILLY You're Whistler's mama, RENO You're camembert. BILLY You're a rose, You're Inferno's Dante, RENO You're the nose On the great Durante. I'm just in a way, As the French would say, "de trop". But if, baby, I'm the bottom, You're the top! BILLY You're the top! You're a dance in Bali. You're the top! You're a hot tamale. You're an angel, you, Simply too, too, too diveen, You're a Boticcelli, RENO You're Keats, BILLY You're Shelly, RENO You're Ovaltine. BILLY You're a boom, You're the dam at Boulder, You're the moon, Over Mae West's shoulder, I'm the nominee of the G.O.P. RENO Or GOP! BILLY But if, baby, I'm the bottom, You're the top! RENO You're the top! You're a Waldorf salad. You're the top! You're a Berlin ballad. You're the boats that glide On the sleepy Zuider Zee, You're an old Dutch master, BILLY You're Lady Astor, RENO You're broccoli. BILLY You're romance, You're the steppes of Russia, You're the pants on a Roxy usher, I'm a broken doll, a fol-de-rol, a blop, BOTH But if, baby, I'm the bottom, You're the top! 6.EASY TO LOVE HOPE You're being terribly bad, Billy. Why, we hardly know each other. BILLY Yeah, I guess you're right. Me and you -who am I kidding? I know too well that I'm Just wasting precious time In thinking such a thing could be That you could ever care for me. I'm sure you hate to hear That I adore you, dear, But grant me, just the same, I'm not entirely to blame, for... You'd be so easy to love, So easy to idolize, all others above, So sweet to waken with, So nice to sit down to the eggs and bacon with. We'd be so grand at the game, So carefree together that it does seem a shame That you can't see Your future with me 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love... You'd be so easy to love, So easy to idolize, all others above, So worth the yearning for, So swell to keep ev'ry home fire burning for. Oh, how we'd bloom, how we'd thrive In a cottage for two, or even three, four or five, So try to see Your future with me 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love... HOPE Billy, this is all wrong. I'm marrying Evelyn. Nothing can change that! BILLY You can change that. All you have to do is say - HOPE No! If you don't let me alone, I'll make a scene! BILLY You love me, Hope - you're going to marry me! HOPE 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love... 7.I WANT TO ROW ON THE CREW ELISHA WHITNEY I want to row on the crew, Mama, That's the thing I want to do, Mama. To be known throughout Yale as I walk about it, Get a boil on my tail and then talk about it. I'd like to be a big bloke, Mama, And learn the new Argentine stroke, Mama. You'll see your slim son Putting crimps in the Crimson, When I row on the Varsity Crew. 8.SAILOR'S CHANTEY QUARTET A sailor's life is supposed to be A hell of a lot of fun, Yes, but when you're a sailor, Take it from me, You work like a son of a gun. They give us jobs of ev'ry kind And chores of ev'ry sort, But sweat away, sailor, you don't mind 'Cause you know when we reach port There will always be a lady fair, A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair, There'll always be a lady fair, Who's waiting there for you. There will always be a lady fair, To smooth your troubles And muss your hair, There'll always be a lady fair, Who's waiting there for you. There will always be a girl's caress, To change your answer From a NO to YES, There'll always be a lady fair, Who's waiting there for you. 9.FRIENDSHIP MOON You know, Reno, we should have teamed up years ago. RENO We're two of a kind, all right. MOON Partners! RENO Through thick and thin! MOON Night and day! RENO Right or wrong! MOON If you're ever in a jam, here I am. RENO If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal. MOON If you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail. BOTH It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship, When other friendships have been forgot Ours will still be hot! Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-dig-dig-dig. MOON If you're ever down a well, ring my bell. RENO If you ever catch on fire, send a wire. MOON If you ever lose your teeth When you're out to dine, Borrow mine. BOTH It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship, When other friendships have ceased to jell Ours will still be swell! Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-hep-hep-hep. RENO If they ever black your eyes, put me wise. MOON If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose. RENO If they ever put a bullet through your brr-ain I'll complain. BOTH It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship, When other friendships go up in smoke, Ours will still be oke! Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-goof-goof-goof. MOON If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind. RENO If you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt. MOON If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half, I won't laugh. BOTH It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship, When other friendships have been "forgate" Ours will still be great! RENO If they ever crack your spine, drop a line. MOON If they ever cut your throat, write a note. RENO If they ever make a cannibal stew of you, Invite me too! BOTH It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship, When other friendships are up the crick, Ours will still be slick! Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle- MOON Quack-quack-quack RENO Woof-woof-woof BOTH When other friendships have been forgot, Ours will still be hot! MOON Quack-quack-quack RENO Woof-woof-woof 10.IT'S DE-LOVELY BILLY The night is young, the skies are clear So if you want to go walking, dear, It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. I understand the reason why You're sentimental, 'cause so am I, It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. You can tell at a glance What a swell night this is for romance, You can hear dear Mother Nature Murmuring low, "Let yourself go!" So please be sweet, my chickadee, And when I kiss you, just say to me, "It's delightful, it's delicious, It's delectable, it's delirious, It's dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe, It's de-lovely". HOPE I feel a sudden urge to sing The kind of ditty that invokes the spring. BILLY I'll control my desire to curse While you crucify the verse. HOPE This verse I started seems to me The Tin-Pantithesis of a melody, BILLY So spare us all the pain, Just skip the darn thing and sing the refrain... HOPE Mi, mi, mi, mi, Re, re, re, re, Do, sol, mi, do, la, si. The night is young, the skies are clear So if you want to go walking, dear, It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. I understand the reason why You're sentimental, 'cause so am I, It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. You can tell at a glance What a swell night this is for romance, You can hear dear Mother Nature Murmuring low, "Let yourself go!" BILLY So please be sweet, my chickadee, And when I kiss you, just say to me, "It's delightful, it's delicious, It's...It's de-lovely". 11.ANYTHING GOES RENO Times have changed, And we've often rewound the clock, Since the Puritans got a shock, When they landed on Plymouth Rock. If today, Any shock they should try to stem, 'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock would land on them. In olden days a glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking, But now, God knows, Anything Goes. Good authors too who once knew better words, Now only use four letter words Writing prose, Anything Goes. The world has gone mad today And good's bad today, And black's white today, And day's night today, When most guys today That women prize today Are just silly gigolos And though I'm not a great romancer I know that I'm bound to answer When you propose, Anything goes When grandmama whose age is eighty In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo's, Anything Goes. When mothers pack and leave poor father Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros, Anything Goes. If driving fast cars you like, If low bars you like, If old hymns you like, If bare limbs you like, If Mae West you like Or me undressed you like, Why, nobody will oppose! When every night, The set that's smart Is intruding in nudist parties in studios, Anything Goes. RENO, PASSENGERS & CREW The world has gone mad today And good's bad today, And black's white today, And day's night today, When most guys today That women prize today Are just silly gigolos And though I'm not a great romancer I know that I'm bound to answer When you propose, Anything goes RENO If saying your prayers you like, If green pears you like If old chairs you like, If back stairs you like, If love affairs you like With young bears you like, Why nobody will oppose! ALL And though I'm not a great romancer And though I'm not a great romancer I know that I'm bound to answer When you propose, Anything goes... Anything goes!ACT TWO 12.ENTR'ACTE Orchestra 13.PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE CAPTAIN Tonight there's going to be some fun PASSENGERS Some fun-o! Some fun-o! CAPTAIN For Public Enemy Number One . PASSENGERS Public Enemy Number One-o! PURSER Our gallant captain has told the staff PASSENGERS The staff-o! The staff-o! PURSER It's time for killing the fatted calf, As he's throwing a party on behalf Of Public Enemy Number One. PASSENGERS Public Enemy Number One-o! ALL Public Enemy Number One, Thank thee for ev'rything thou hast done. Blessings on thee, thou noble chap, For putting this boat of ours on the map. Thank thee heartily, holy man, For taking this liner American, For henceforth we'll be crowded on ev'ry run Due to thee, Public Enemy Number One. Amen! 14.BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW RENO Brothers and sisters, we are here tonight to fight the devil... Do you hear that playin'? COMPANY Yes, we hear that playin'! RENO Do you know who's playin'? COMPANY No, who is that playin'? RENO Well, it's Gabriel, Gabriel playin'! Gabriel, Gabriel sayin' "Will you be ready to go When I blow my horn?" Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow, Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow! I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp, But now I'm willin' to trim my lamp, So blow, Gabriel, blow! Oh, I was low, Gabriel, low, Mighty low, Gabriel, low. But now since I have seen the light, I'm good by day and I'm good by night, So blow, Gabriel, blow! Once I was headed for hell, Once I was headed for hell; But when I got to Satan's door I heard you blowin' on your horn once more, So I said, "Satan, farewell!" And now I'm all ready to fly, Yes, to fly higher and higher! 'Cause I've gone through brimstone And I've been through the fire, And I purged my soul And my heart too, So climb up the mountaintop And start to blow, Gabriel, blow ALL Come on and blow, Gabriel, blow! RENO I want to join your happy band And play all day in the Promised Land. So blow, Gabriel, blow! Come on you scamps, get up you sinners! You're all too full of expensive dinners. Stand up on your lazy feet and sing! ALL Blow, Gabriel, blow, (Blow, Gabriel!) Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow. (Blow, Gabriel!) I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp, But now I'm willin' to trim my lamp, So blow, Gabriel, blow. I was low, Gabriel, low, (Low, Gabriel!) Mighty low, Gabriel, low. But now since that I have seen the light I'm good by day and I'm good by night So blow, Gabriel, blow. RENO Once I was headed for hell, Once I was headed for hell; But when I got to Satan's door I heard you blowin' on your horn once more, So I said, "Satan, farewell!" And now I'm all ready to fly, Yes, to fly higher and higher! 'Cause I've gone through brimstone And I've been through the fire, And I purged my soul And my heart too, So climb up the mountaintop And start to blow, Gabriel, blow ALL Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow! RENO I want to join your happy band And play all day in the Promised Land. So blow, Gabriel! ALL Go on and... Blow, Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabriel, blow I wanna join your happy band And play all day in the Promised Land, So blow, Gabriel, blow, Gabriel, blow, Gabriel, blow! 15.GOODBYE, LITTLE DREAM, GOODBYE HOPE Goodbye, little dream, goodbye, You made my romance sublime, Now it's time to fly, For the stars have fled from heavens, The moon's deserted the hill, And the sultry breeze that sang in the trees Is suddenly strangely still. It's done little dream it's done, So bid me a fond farewell, We both had our fun. Was it Romeo or Juliet who said When about to die, "Love is not all peaches and cream", Little dream, goodbye. 16.BE LIKE THE BLUEBIRD MOON You know your problem, Billy? You ain't got no philosophy. It's like Dillinger once told me: "Remember, it's always the darkest just before they turn on the lights." There's an old Australian bush song That Melba used to sing, A song that always cheered me when I was blue. Even Melba said this bush song Was a helluva song to sing, So be quiet whilst I render it for you. When your instinct tells you that disaster Is approaching you faster and faster, Then be like the bluebird and sing, "Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la." When you know you're headed for the jailer Don't allow the old face to look paler But be like the bluebird and sing, "Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la." Be like the bluebird who never is blue, For he knows from his upbringing what singing can do, And though by other birdies in the boughs, He may be told that his efforts are perfectly lousy, He sings on and on till his troubles are through, "Tweet tweet, tra-la, tra-la, tra-la." 17.ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT BILLY All through the night I delight in your love. All through the night you're so close to me. All through the night from a height far above, You and your love bring me ecstasy. When dawn comes to waken me, You're never there at all, I know you've forsaken me Till the shadows fall, But then once again I can dream I've the right To be close to you all through the night. HOPE All through the night I delight in your love. All through the night you're so close to me. BILLY, HOPE & CREW All through the night from a height far above, You and your love bring me ecstasy. When dawn comes to waken me, You're never there at all, I know you've forsaken me Till the shadows fall, And then once again I can dream I've the right BILLY Staying close to you all through the night, CREW Through the night. 18.THE GYPSY IN ME EVELYN I've never told this to anybody before, Miss Sweeney. It's the Oakleigh family secret. There's something dark and savage in our blood. In mine especially. You see... Long, long ago, So long ago I hardly know when, My great-great-grandmother Now and then Stepped out with a gypsy. Of course she will say she was A little bit tipsy. But tipsy, no, no. Of their love there wasn't a doubt, So I can't wait to get the stage all set So I can let the gypsy in me out. Hiding away There's a little bit of gypsy in me Just hanging around Till that magical night When the stars by their light Give mystery to the sleeping lagoon, While a haunting guitar Not too near, not too far, Gaily hums away, Strums away A titillating tune. When I'm there in the dream With the one in the world I worship passionately, At the moment supreme Will be shown the unknown Gypsy in me. 19.BUDDIE, BEWARE ERMA Come on, fellas, gettin' married's for the birds. Who needs it? CREW We do! ERMA Yeah? Buddie, beware, Buddie, better take care, Though at heart I'm a pearl I'm a difficult girl, So, buddie, beware. During Christmas holidays I develop taking ways And I'm not at all anti Pretty things Santy Brings from Cartier's. Your devotion I prize But you must realize, my boys, Other girl's luxuries Are my necessities, So, buddie, beware. I feel I should put you right. As I lie in bed at night While the twinkling stars gleam on, With my cold cream on I'm a lovely sight. And another thing too, When I'm married to you, my sweet, If to come home you fail, I'll open all your mail, So, buddie, beware. 20.I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU (Reprise) BILLY All right, Captain, let's get on with it. You've got some weddings to perform here. RENO Come on, Cap! I've waited all my life to be a Lady! (to Lord Evelyn), I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, So tell me why should it be true RENO & EVELYN That I get a kick out of you? BILLY (to Hope) Some get a kick from cocaine. I'm sure that if I took even one sniff That would bore me terrific'ly too BILLY & HOPE Yet I get a kick out of you. ALL I get a kick ev'rytime I see You standing there before me. CREW (to Erma) I get a kick though it's clear to me You obviously don't adore me. ALL I get no kick in a plane, Flying too high with some guy in the sky Is my idea of nothing to do, Yet I get a kick out of you. 21.ANYTHING GOES (Reprise) COMPANY The world has gone mad today And good's bad today, And black's white today, And day's night today, When most guys today That women prize today Are just silly gigolos And though I'm not a great romancer I know that I'm bound to answer When you propose, Anything goes... Anything goes!