| Mmm.. hi. I'm really confused. Could have something to do with the fact that it's 4 in the morning on a school night. Could have something to do with the ICQ conversation I had with Coyote last week. I'm voting for the second one, myself... I'm not Pagan. That's what he said. What am I? Am I anything? I want to be something. I want to believe in something. I want to belong somewhere. Does it matter that someone else doesn't think I am what I profess to be? What if they're right? Why do I feel so lonely and assume that believing in something will make me feel not so lonely? I don't believe Jesus was the son of God. There. I believe that. I believe Jesus existed. There. I believe it's wrong to take a life. Human or animal. Unborn or not. There. There's another thing I believe. Now the spirit/soul thing is confusing me. The first thing that pops to mind is that I don't believe in one. I believe in a brain. But then why am I superstitious or paranoid that someone is reading my mind or use spells? Why do I look up at the moon and envision something bigger than me? Why do I pray to some higher being when I'm feeling crappy and crying and I feel alone? Do I believe in something that doesn't manifest until I'm at my lowest of low? I want to believe in something, but the rational side of me that always takes over when I've had enough sleep and am no longer bawling my eyes out and have eaten something and am laughing... that voice tells me the spirit stuff is a load of bs and I know it. It makes me look at it objectively and demands proof, and that's when I bow my head and admit that yeah, the idea is stupid and I really don't believe it. But how is that possible? Why is it that I question if I believe in a higher power when I'm rational, but then question my atheism when I'm emotional? When I'm wide awake and thinking clearly, I know in the deepest, most certain depths of myself that I don't really believe in a soul or spirit or higher power and that it's just the romantic side of me wanting to believe in a fairy tale. It's the same feeling I have toward the way I acted when I was in elementary school and wanted to go to Oz or Narnia, but then I admonished myself and chided myself at the frivolity and stupidity of it all and then I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I'd ever thought about it really ever happening. It's the exact same feeling. I just want to believe in it so very badly that I make myself think I really believe in it, but I know I don't. I don't have the capability to believe something utterly and completely without the rational grown up voice in my head telling the romantic part that they're acting immature, childish and foolish. I want to believe, but I can't. And yet, I always end up flipping through the pages of a spellbook or sliding my fingers over pieces of quartz, moonstone, jade... feeling excited and happy and hopeful... like I really could step into a wardrobe and push away the mothballed coats and find myself in Narnia. I end up looking tearfully out of the window up at the moon and whispering pathetic, hopeful prayers and petitions to the Goddess. I end up dying eggs and drawing runes on them, circling them with items representing earth, air, fire, water, calling on the guardians of the north, east, south, west and then drawing a pentagram in the air over the top, dedicating them for a spring ritual. I end up lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, desperately trying not to think bad thoughts because *someone* could be reading my thoughts. I end up brushing my fingers across the branches of the "crone tree" and whispering hello as I walk past. Why do I do that? Do I really believe in what I'm doing, or is it just wishful fantasy; play acting like a child? Am I just fooling myself? Is it really that I just want to believe in it so badly that I act like I do even though deep down I don't? And if it is just acting, why can't I believe in something? I wish there was someone to help me. I wish there was someone that could objectively just guide me to what I believe; not someone that would be biased in their own beliefs and would lead me in their direction. I wish I just had someone to talk to about this. And then even if I did have someone to talk to (because I'm suddenly thinking of Anson...), what would I say? Would I have anything to say? Or would it just end up feeling uncomfortable and strange and like I wasn't bringing anything to the conversation; just waiting for someone to tell me what to do? What if they just got frustrated with me? That always happens. I want to have an intelligent conversation, but I just irritate people. Why am I so damned immature, anyway? Why am I whining? I think I've reached my limit of intelligent ramblings and have progressed into the whiny stage, so it's best to just shut up now. |