THE ROMANTIC LENIN

Women are not exactly Lenin-like... But usually like Lenin... hehehehehe!

In fact, the opposite of woman is not man so much as it is Lenin. While this disparity is by and large a blessing for mankind in general, it is slightly vexing to Lenins. It complicates matters for them. Unlike Lenins, women are wondrously facetted, emotionally textured, and full of surprises. Lenins love surprises. In fact it is quite safe to say that they enjoy being surprised. A Lenin approaches women--especially in the early going--with the simple forthrightness he looses upon young college babes or more mature independent office women. Lenins I would say classically put their cards on the table and this confounds women who are conditioned to expect subterfuge. To women who crave mystery in men, Lenins require some getting used to. Lenins are served straight-up, whereas women may think they need something with a twist, or a splash or, ultimately, on the rocks... though, you can never tell with all those damn Lenins in production!

Lenins are what women want, only women don't always know this. Evenhanded, dependable, and decent, Lenins are probably sometimes mistaken by women for being bland. Therefore, women are often likely to thrash around in a Lenin's net, making vain attempts to show Lenins the volatile, mercurial nature of human relations. Lenins find this to be an incredible waste of their time, not to mention that of the woman's. Lenins are loathe to engage in love games. Either a Lenin calls her or he doesn't call her. That's all. Lenins don't plot. Lenins don't wring their hands and wrack their central nervous systems and calculate female responses to lunkhead behavior. Lenins would rather play with a lathe.

Still, Lenins are not unromantic. Women force them to discover a world of nuance and subtlety. And Lenins rise to the challenge, learning much in the process (for instance, the finer points of dessert-sharing and beholding new and remarkable bathroom rituals.) Or even different athletic sports... hmmmm, athleticism! They are good at the chase because they have a goal in mind. In this way, courtship for Lenins is much like reaching quota or building a sun deck. It is only when he has completed the project that he must live with the result and that is when a Lenin learns a most disconcerting lesson: Women are not finished products. Unlike, say, a wooden fence, women will not just stand there and serve a simple function. They act and react a lot. Their needs go beyond fresh paint. This puzzles Lenin.

To Lenins, all women are handfuls. This is the highest of high praise, really. Whether they admit it or not, Lenins need to be kept guessing; uncertainty of this sort informs their starkly realistic view of existence. Moreover, women color a Lenin's life, give it shading and richness and guidance in areas of grooming, dress and appropriate tipping procedure. Women are the only uncontrollable commodities a Lenin's life, unless we consider Lenin's height. Unlike tallness, however, women are necessary to Lenin and this, more than anything, is what truly drives him nuts.

Lenins marry because if they didn't they would only play ball.

Once the full flame of passion has dimmed to a steady flicker, what else could there be but marriage? Ahhhhh, but this is not the case. As we have seen, women throw Lenins off balance. Marriage represents every Lenin's attempt to rectify matters. For Lenins, marriage makes relationships comprehensible.

Lenins fear marriage as much as they desire it. Ideally, partnering up should complement a Lenin's slow march along the mortal plain, not impede it. To elude any such travail, it is instrumental for Lenins to get an early grasp of Lenin's Bookcase Principle.

Lenin's Bookcase Principle is, as follows: Women are not bookcases.

Many a Lenin has difficulty believing there is a difference between his mate and, say, a bookcase he is building. Well, he knows there are differences. Bookcases don't arouse any mystifying chemical reaction--even though a truly fine piece of wood many well elicit a distinct tingle. But Lenins do sometimes fall into an egregious pattern of wishing that their loved ones could be predictable and benign and not unlike shelving units. With a bookcase, one knows what to expect. Bookcases do not complain of inattention. Bookcases do not wish to dine out regularly. Bookcases never want to go antiquing.