| 5-11-02 SENIOR YEAR IN REVIEW -a rambling mess- Well, my senior year is over. No more. Kaput. When I was younger, the seniors seemed like adults already. They were big. Young men and women. Now that I've been one of them, I know they're worthless. Maybe that's just at my school. We were a bunch of lazy losers, worrying about nothing but college applications first semester, and then just plain nothing second semester. Overall, this year sucked. Admit it: nothing good happened. To me, at least. Granted, this year had its moments. Michael and I reconciled. Trey and I started dating. Cory and Katie started dating. I had my own parking space. I got voicemail on my cellphone. I turned 18. I made new friends. I cut all my hair. But I didn't have a life at all prior to Christmas break, thanks to being slowly killed by the applications process. It was beyond stressful and i was NOT nice for several months. My classes sucked. The teachers and administration sucked. It seemed pointless to be in class when I needed to be getting so much other stuff done outside of school. And, ultimately, the newspaper sucked as well. I thought it would be great to be Editor-in-Chief, to be incharge of the newspaper that I helped start sophomore year. But then I remembered that, in general, i don't like people. I started as a layout assistant, working up to layout editor. I loved that stupid, mind-numbing, time-consuming job. I loved designing something that other people could see, whether or not they could appreciate the time it took. I was able to be creative -- by myself. When people needed help with articles, I had a strange ability to sit down with them and not only give them ideas and direction, but motivate them as well. As Editor, I had to have my hand in every cookie jar and nag the writers to finish before deadline. I know from growing up with my mother that nagging does NOT motivate people. The opposite happens. I therefore lost my prior ability. That saddened me, as did the fact that i had to abandon the one job with the paper that i actually enjoyed, stressful as it was. I really let the paper -- and myself -- down by essentially abandoning it, losing interest. But it's hard when you just stop caring for something... Seniorities is responsible for a lot of my problems. Or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I suppose I should be reminiscing more, complaining less. But there's really nothing I want to remember in a good way. Basically, I spent the entire year waiting for graduation. To move on and out. To change. To grow. I think I got kind of jaded (well, moreso), too, because I recognized how much hypocricy lies within my school's administration. Our Dean of Students is essentially a puppet dictator, while our principal is dead-set on removing all fun traditions. Another depressing realization is that I hardly wrote at all this year. Sure, i whipped out countless essays for AP Lit, essays I enjoyed writing, but i wrote few poems, no stories, no songs. Painted one painting. Read hardly any books in my spare time, which DEFINITELY isn't like me. This year just drained me. I became a drone, doing as little as I could to get by, neglecting to reach out to my friends. I can say truthfully that I'm glad it's over. My school has reached its age of decline, and I pity all those students remaining there. It resides behind the facade of a "private school" when really, it's worthless. Granted, I'm grateful I got a good education, but when i see the teachers we've lost and the teachers we're getting in their place... I feel sad for the future. This is hardly a Year in Review, is it? It's much different from both the Sophomore and Junior Reviews to say the least. I plan to keep in touch with my friends -- there's no way I'm giving them up -- but I understand that i will lose touch with many acquaintances, people i very well like but with whom i have no deep connection. I'm a little scared of college, but overall, i look forward to the new home, new people, new experieinces. It will be supremely weird not seeing Jessica, Cory, Clay, Katie, Michael, and Stacy every day. And i'm only ALMOST sure i'm going to USC in Columbia. I don't know if I'd want, after committing myself to South Carolina, to switch if i get accepted elsewhere off of a wait list. Who knows. There's a part of me that feels like Holden. Everything's phony and I'm always trying to scrub the nastiness off the wall. I guess the thing that weirds me out the most is that it's over. Completely and forever. Normally when i say it's over, that usually entails having to go back next fall for another year. But no. This time I'll be switching states. Anyway. This was a mess of words. But it pretty much reflects my state of mind when thinking about my senior year. Good luck to all of you reading this. The future will be better. Peace out, yo. to infinity....and beyond!! |