| 6-30-01 I went to American Eagle @ Cumberland today to exchange a shirt and there was this adorable guy who rung me up. He had part of his hair dyed blue and it matched his shirt. He also had a lot of piercings in his ears. Yeah, sounds like a real punk and all, but since he works at American Eagle, he was dressed all preppy-like and the contradiction was pretty...well...adorable. Anyway, I wanted to comment on his hair or something, just say something, anything to this guy because he was so fine, but I couldn't. This leads me up to a slight problem I have: confrontation. Not argumentative, angry-style confrontation, but allowing myself to relate to others, to put myself out there a little. I mean every time I see a cute guy I scream in my head "I want a relationship with you!" when I should be screaming that at myself. You get me? The more time I spend with myself, the more I get to know who I am and whatnot. But one hurdle I have yet to overcome is a deceptively simple one: guys. Yeah, just guys in general. I love guys. To contradict (and maybe clarify) a previous statement, I don't want some deep, intimate, meaningful relationship with any and every guy I run into. I'm talking about even stupid flirting. I want to get to know all these guys, talk to them, flirt with them, get the chance to decide things about them. i want to have fun and open myself up. I just get scared! When I step back and look at the situation, there is never a reason to have been even slightly nervous. Case in point: if I had told Cute American Eagle Boy I liked his hair, what's the worst he could have done? Thanked me. Ooooh! Scary stuff! But instead, I stare dumbly, silently, never say anything at all, and thus lose any chance at getting to know some guy. Or, in this case, just getting a smile in return for a small compliment. Wait, something's wrong with this picture. Possible Theory: I would be happier if I flirted with more guys and was, in general, a more outgoing person. Possible solution: flirt with more guys and be, in general, more outgoing. So why am I letting something like dumb fear stand in the way of a possible solution? I have a friend who lives by the theory that he cannot be completely happy unless he is in love. But he has the same problem approaching, flirting with, talking to, et. al. females that I do with males! What's the deal? Why do we let our fear of rejection, our poor perceptions of ourselves, interfere with what WE PERCEIVE to be a possible way to achieve some happiness? Or at least some fun? So. How can we learn to stop thinking about the outcome, about what others may think of us if we do or say certain things? How can we free ourselves from the burden of our self-concious nature? When will we finally get the guts to say "Yes, this is what I want and I'm going to pursue it no matter what the cost"? No, really, I'm asking. |