| Junior Year in Review |
| Despite significant personal change and gain, I feel this year was filled with needless mistakes. Whether they were big, like those with Nolan, Stacy, or Michael, or small, like spats with Jessica or moments of self-doubt, I feel I stumbled short of my intentions too many times. And despite certain times of unthinkable boldness, too often I failed to reach out and grasp what I wanted, leaving myself hungry for something -- something to whet my appetite for life. I set quite a few goals, many of which I never achieved; I dreamed up countless visions of how I wanted my life to be, only to find myself not caring enough to see them become reality. I have learned from many of my errors, and I hope that I can apply what I've learned to make my life better. I learned (many, many times) the truth behind the phrase "carpe diem." I'll never achieve what I want if I don't put myself out there on the line to get it. I battled several periods of self-loathing, emerging victorious a large percentage of the time. I found out that the only person I can truly rely upon 100% of the time is myself -- even though there have been times when I've let myself down or surprised myself with hidden strength. And thanks to occassionally having the newspaper deadline, an AP Language paper due, and an AP History test fall within a few days of each other while I'm PMSing, I know that it is possible to go to hell and back virtually unscathed (if not a little tired and cranky). I don't want it to seem like this year was terrible or anything, because it wasn't. I've just been through a lot of hard stuff. As you may have read on my Creativity page, I really started to like myself this year. I finally discovered that I'm a good friend, a [fairly] goor person, and I'm a little bit prettier and a whole lot smarter than I previously thought. I do most everything for my own reasons and not somebody else's and if that's not good enough for you then, dammit, I don't care. I know that it's stupid to fear life, or any part of it, and I regret limiting myself in various areas. When did I decide that living safely, always playing by the rules, was how I wanted to live my life? I don't recall making that decision unless you count not caring as such. I believe that's my problem. Whether I've been too tired, too lazy, too scared -- I just haven't pushed myself far enough over the line, enough to care, to risk. I'll be a senior soon. And before I know it, I'll be gone from here, from these people and these opportunities. I want to make the most of it while I still have it. It will be enough to sit in a room, quietly, by myself, if I know I've taken the risks, seized the opportunities -- lived my life. When it's my turn to walk across the stage and shake Mr. Robertson's hand, I want to know that I did alright. It's time to start again.... |