nightdreams-1

I miss not being able to shake with pleasure when i take a razor to my skin.
I wonder if he would of ever told me i was important or beautiful?? Maybe i would of been dead. I almost wish I was. I still want so much from the past, and REGRET all of it.. It's so fucking obvious that the one thing that has stuck with me through all the Bullshit-Dissapointments-Pain-Happiness-Lonliness-just emotions in general has been ADDICTION . Such beautiful destructio, so flexable and diverse. Compulsion and Addiction , whats the difference. I miss mine soo much its more than just an addiction it's Me,
Who would of thought that my demise would of been my drugs... I still have my over-eating, and my mutilation to fall back on . It works somewhat, but i think i do it more for the scars. So damn important,intresting,amazing,powerful,meaningful art. i actully do Love the BLOOD*PAIN*HURT......

WHY, I wonder how i ended up here, I need treatment not high school drama.
I don't "fit in." Everyone is connecting with everyone, and here i am in front of them with a clear divider, People ignore it, because they can't see it, but they feel it. They know its there. There is annoyance between me and "them" if only it was black, and they couldn't even see me. It would be better , or worse? Better in a sense, because it is familiar. It is the depression and lonliness that follows and the drugs that follow that. So how can i break that barrie.. The only answers i get are more questions. HAVE I LOST MY SOUL?
They made me go to church last night. The memories and revalidation of the arogance of the christians, and the hypocritacal belief system that surronds the entire situaion.... WHY IS HIS HAPPING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. THE HURT AND PAIN. THE MUTILATED EMOTIONS ALONG WITH THE MUTILATED BODY. I CAN'T DO THIS.. I CAN'T STAND BEING AWAY FROM MY ESCAPE. I NEED IT I WANT TO NOT REMEMBER ...
It is always the same sinaros that follow me. But now i have no fun, or "ecreation" nothing to alter my mood. I wonder if my mom will get me out of here? When i found out i was going to rehab i was so fucking happy. i thought "Maybe i could find someone who could relate to me and think that i was half-way decent !!!!!!!!

So beautiful at times, but yet so much remorse. I am scared even more on the inside. So much confusion like always. I feel i am apart of nothing. I don't want to be, but i have this annoyance is it because i don't belong? I think about cutting everyday now. It has a lot more effect on me. Now i get the rush out of it i once had. I am going to do some more in a little bit. I want to bleed from my wrists. It's crazy when i could do it on my wrists, i waned it on my arms, when i did it on my arms i wanted it on my stomach. after the stomach i wanted it on my legs and by the time i got to my legs i wanted my wrists again.. ALSO i get in a STRANGE STATE-OF-MIND when i do it. i am so soft and giggly,almost young sounding.....