Who Am I?
October 14, 2002

I'm sure that's a question you've asked yourself at some point: Who am I? When you look in the mirror in the morning what do you see? What do you want to see? Are they the same? Do you sometimes see what you are and what you want to be? I'll tell you sometimes I feel like a big hypocrite and other times I feel I'm on the right track-- what God wants me to be. Well, right now I'm sooo confused. Some times I feel the presence of God, and I know I'm doing what He wants me to. But then other times, sometimes even in the same day, I feel God's not with me and I'm not following what He wants me to do. It's like torture to me. I like being set in what I am- whether it be good or bad. Because even if I was set on being not as good as I should to be, I know what I am and can build from there. And then if I was as good as I wanted to be then I can always improve. It's that switching back and forth that's horrible- to where it's almost like I have no identity.

And then by myself I seem to be a different person than when I'm with lots of people. By myself, I'm calm and more serious and definately more religious. With people I'm more outgoing, more let's go do things, more stay out, more go crazy and wild. I don't like that. Well, not those qualities necessarily, but the fact that I'm different by myself and with people. And then around certain people I'm different all-together than others. I HATE THAT. I wish I was the same around all people. I don't mean to be, but it's just sometimes what happens. Well, now that I think about it, it's not necessarily the case, but lol I act stupid around some people-- like in art class. But sometimes I don't. Hmmmm... I wonder what people think about me. Not in a sense where I care about their opinions of me. I don't care what people think about me, but sometimes I wish I knew just out of curiosity. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't, sometimes I'm stupid, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm crazy, sometimes I'm calm. I don't like it. It's hard to define someone who is a lot of things. Who am I? What am I? You can't ask people who they think you are because you're not the same around everyone- except Andrew. Andrew says he is, but I even wonder about that. I wonder if it's humanly possible to be the same ALL THE TIME. And then I wonder if that's a good thing to be the same around everyone. Because if you needed someone to talk seriously too then you'd want someone you could confide in, but then sometimes you might want to go out and have fun with that same persion, but if you're the same... you can't be one or the other with the same person all the time. Woah I'm starting to confuse myself.

Haha I was just talking to Andrew and I asked him, "Who are you"? And he answered, "Who am I not?". I think that's an interesting answer. You are what you're not. Hmm... that's just something to think about I guess. Another thing added to the millions to think about.

I guess there is no real point to this entry, and there is no answer to my problem. It cannot be solved right away, and it may be a long while before it is solved- if ever solved. I hope I'm just working towards being more what God wants me to be and a better person for my friends. It's not a good feeling being not sure of who you are, but then maybe if you were sure it wouldn't be interesting. Life would have less or no meaning. I don't know... or rather I wonder if even my friends know who I am. I wonder if who they think I am is really who I am. Or maybe they don't know the real me or maybe they do know the real me. Or perhaps even still I am not just one, but all of what they know of me rolled into one. Hah as Andrew says the X factor.. the unknown.. can be ultimately many things or one answer. (lol no I'm not hooked on Andrew. I just happened to be talking to him, and he happened to give me ideas).

So I ask this question again: Who Am I? But perhaps this time that I ask it, I don't really want to know the answer nor seek it. I think it will come to me if it wants to. And perhaps by saying all of this you will ask yourself this question and strive to answer it. Maybe you will find the answer and maybe you won't- like me. But in either case you will look at yourself and see what you are and what you would like to be. But if it's beyond your power- be satisfied that the answer will or will not come. Be satisfied with the unknown. If you can change it- Change.

I also think that when you find who or what you are then you won't worry as much about yourself- your looks, your personality, the way you do things. Because once you realize what you are, once you realize your place in life, you won't worry about all of those/these superficial things in life (like the size of your body, the guys you meet, the fights with your parents, staying out a little later that night, finishing that english paper after having cried over it for 2 hours, etc). They will seem like petty problems, and you will laugh at them. And even if you never realize who exactly you are, but you realize that you're an important part of this world (EVERYONE is an important part of this world), then I think the same thing will happen. Maybe that's where I'm headed- not to find my identity but to be content with the knowledge that I am important even though I'm not sure of my identity. Because isn't a part of finding your identity showing that you are important?

Love,
Lemme