Foolish and Tired
March 3, 2003

I am a fool. I stayed up until about 1 AM writing an entry over 2,500 words long, thinking that it would help. I realized today that it wouldn't. I've been foolish in thinking that it would. Most likely you probably scan my entries or if you read them, it is because I asked you to or you feel obligated to as my friend. You see me at school and tell me you read my entries; you IM me and tell me how "truthful" they are and how my entries have a "deeper meaning" you say. Then, you do the exact opposite. You sit in the pews of your church Sunday morning and run rampant the rest of the week. You put on your facade of innocence to cover up the lies (to yourself and to others).

You cannot tell me you do not know the consequences. You do-- both from other sources and from me. I try to tell you of what you are missing instead of what the consequences are, but you'll have to answer to both eventually. If someone told me that I could drink, smoke pot, and have sex without the threat of harm to myself, I still would not do any of it. Yeah right you say. But it's the truth. Yeah, you may be having a difficult time with your life right now. Your family may be in shambles, you may be uncertain of yourself, you might be so mad at someone or some people that you want to scream, you may feel scared or alone. You may wonder about yourself, where you came from, who you are, abandoned or guilty. Well, we all feel that at some point. Perhaps, your situation is worse than mine. I'll admit it-- I've had it pretty good. But that's what I'm here for; that's what your friends and family are here for. We're here for you to lean on. So lean on me and trust in me, not something else. First, come back to us, those true friends that we have lost.

Everyone wants to "have the time of their life" and not "waste their teenage years". Well I say you are wasting your life with that mentality. That mentality will lead you to trouble. Yes, it is one thing to enjoy less responsibilities, but it's another to say "Well, I'll drink, make myself throw up, do drugs and then buckle down later in life. Then I'll repent and be a true Christian. I'm not going to waste my life right now doing those safe things". Well that's crap because you can't say you didn't know. You know the consequences. You may hurt yourself before you get to the "buckle down" stage (if that's what your plan is). You may not care what you do and what happens to you. You obviously don't care that others worry about you and are hurting because of your actions. If that's true, then do what you want, and I'll have nothing to do with it. However, there's nothing more out there for you than what you can find in yourself. I know that sounds like some fortune cookie crap, but it's the truth. So stop betraying yourself, me, God.. everyone and everything you know to be true and good...

Something I want to make sure you do realize is how much you are influencing the people around you. It is so rare to find a good influence and a true friend. If you find one, hold on to him/her for as long as possible. However, it's so easy to find a bad influence. Bad influences are like sprinkler systems. In our yard, the sprinklers are hidden among the grass. They pop up quickly and drench everything with water in seconds. Without realizing it you could be submerged in something you never wish you'd gotten into.

My Literature teacher was telling us in class today about how criminals don't realize they're bad. They don't think of themselves as bad people. They may not care about others' lives or want to do their own thing, but they don't see themselves as bad. I'm not calling anyone bad, but I wonder if you realize what you're doing. However, you ought to realize it. I was talking to Tony and we were talking about people, their decisions, how it's hard to find true people, etc... He doesn't worry about the people who mess up their lives. It seems like that's all I do. I care and want to help. Tony aruged that people our age and up should know better. We know what will happen if we do such things so why should others worry? Why should others cry over people who don't care? Why should others screw up their lives for people who know what they're doing? Tony has a valid point. In fact, Ayn Rand argues that same point, and in her novel Atlas Shrugged the characters actually take action against those who don't care to understand. They get tired of being used by the corrupt people. I think it's interesting to look at the title- Atlas Shrugged. Atlas was one of the Titans in Roman mythology who was assigned to hold up the world. So what would happen if Atlas shrugged? Sometimes I wish I could just shrug, but I care too much. I will always care, and I will always have hope that people can change. I guess that is a good thing.

I want to tell you what I did yesterday. One of my art assignments this weekend was to get a picture of some sort of interior architecture, so after choir practice today (March 2), I went into the sanctuary of my church to take a picture. It�s amazing in there. God is there; you can feel it. All of the lights were off except for a few hidden white lights that cast a dusky gray through the sanctuary. I passed the pews, littered with discarded bulletins, and walked to the stone steps leading to the altar. I wanted to get a picture of the mighty wooden arches in the roof, and so I laid on the floor and took the picture. I could feel the cold stone on the backs of my hands, and the stone was worn smooth from the ministers and acolytes walking to and from the altar and pulpit. There, the art project was forgotten but comfort remembered. My mind was a soothing sort of blank; my back supported by stone instead of burdened by worries. I do not think that I took a breath inside that sanctuary, but it was given to me. I did not want to get up. I wanted to stay there forever and forget everything; leave behind all my troubles with myself and everyone and just be there with God. But I forced myself up, and looking back at the sanctuary, I knew that I had to be here and was lucky to be here.

I want to leave you with these lyrics...I hope they're correct because I wrote them down by ear. Please read them. I know it's sometimes a pain to read lyrics, but I put them on here for a reason. Thanks.

Love,
Lemme