Control
January 28, 2003

I believe that sometimes I have a forked tongue. Sometimes I say things that needn't be said. It's not that I tell secrets, that I say untrue things or that I gossip. I don't think that I realize the impact of what the words will be. Perhaps if I did, I'd write better poetry. I say things sometimes to the wrong people. Sometimes I go on about things that don't matter or I say things in a manner which I did not intend. Then, I look back on the incident, and I wonder, is that really me? Did it look as it sounded? I think about how I act sometimes and I wonder if it really is me. I like to think it's not but it's hard to tell.

However, I'm usually good at reading people. I can tell by the look on a face how what I said was accepted. But lately, I haven't been able to do that with a few people. That's the worst thing- not being able to read someone; to wonder what that person was thinking. You sit there and you imagine their reaction to what you, said but you can't guess, and even if you see a reaction, you can't interpret it. Sometimes, it's not so bad to guess at the mystery, but that only happens when you feel you have control. When you talk to someone or especially meet someone, immediately positions are assigned, like on a football team. One person will either give another control (although he/she may not know it) or the other person will take control. The confident smile may make one person back down or if one person is nervous, the other might assume control. With this control, you can feel free to guess at what the other thinks without worry because you are in control. However, if you are the one without control, it is very nerve-racking, especially if you want to keep what you have. I guess I shouldn't care, but I don't want to lose what I have.

Control comes from two things: Confidence and trust. If you have confidence when you meet someone, then you automatically have control. A bully has confidence that he/she can smack your face in, and he knows he has this control, which makes him walk all over people. The person that stands up to the bully has the confidence he will suceed and usually he does. It's all about control.

Another element to control is trust. You can feel free to say what you want to someone you trust completely. And sometimes this confidence comes from trust. If you trust someone, you are confident with them. In my case, it's not so much that I don't trust some people, but that I may not know them well enough to be able to trust them fully (like to trust their reaction or their support). Also, sometimes two people may not know each other very well but may have the same amount of confidence. This recognition of confidence, however, then could turn into trust; it wouldn't be so hard to speak freely around that person.

This also isn't necessarily about relations between people. It also applies to life. Say that you have a massive math test one day. If you have confidence in yourself, then this will control you. When people get nervous, they tend to draw blanks and sweat(I know; it's happened to me). With confidence, you perform at your best. Even if you do fail, if you have this confidence in life, you know that life will go on. You will shrug it off because you have this control on your life. Life will always throw you some curve balls, and you will be in control because you know that they do happen; you will survive. This confidence will make you laugh at the world and its silly attempts to control you, to intimidate you by cutting you down. If you know that you will fail and that you will get over failing, how does that stay a failure? Then everything starts to amuse you (in my case other people began to amuse me because I knew something they didn't). This is why I am telling you. I want you to be amused. I want you to feel this freedom. No, money did not give me this freedom, nor clothes or social status. I gave it to myself and so can you. So I tell you, find this confidence. It is worth it.

Wow, I totally started into something different. I never knew I understood that totally until I started typing. I just said things that I had been trying to express for a long time. Interesting how this works. All I search for is answers. Luckily, I found this answer. I wish I had resolved my problem, though. Well, maybe in knowing that I can't control everything, I can find that confidence I need in order to bring myself into control. Talk about contradictory. What I mean is that I can't control everything, but by knowing I can't, I will find this confidence to end my frustrations about not being in control. I won't be in control, but it won't matter because I am confident. Wow, I have to go before I confuse myself, and my teachers throw me out of school because I'm not doing anything.

Confidence is the key (not arrogance- there's a massive difference).

Love,
Lemme