Steven Wright Quotes

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you
have anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I
just have to fill in the rest.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (Slow glance upward.)

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
dizzy.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity.