UNANSWERED

submitted by: naning_dy32

I woke up that day without realizing that my life will take a different turn and will be changed the rest of my life. So I went to school just like any other ordinary days I had. But I sensed something would be very wrong the very moment my last class ended.
I was only several steps away from the door when my eyes got caught on something, someone I must say. There you were, standing in front of the room, wearing that white polo, your clean-cut hair is covered with gel to keep it in place, holding your yellow Maui & Sons notebook in your right hand. You never realized I was looking at you until you glanced my way. I felt a cold shiver in my spine when you smiled at me. I felt a sudden chill because there's something in your eyes that made me feel scared. Then I decided to walk towards you. I can hear my heart palpitate as I'm going near you. You're eyes seem to speak of music we're the only ones who can follow the tune. 

"So, what do you mean last night when you said that we are going to talk? Talk about what and talk when?" I asked when I was only a meter his distance. 

He held my hand, smiled and said, "Hmm. what I mean? Nothing. talk about what? Anything. and talk when? Now." He's smiling but I just can't shake off the fear that built inside me. We found a perfect spot and there, we started to talk.

"I love her. I don't want to hurt her and I never want to see her cry." That's why I am the one whom you're hurting, I am the one who'll suffer and cry? I wanted to ask him but I stopped myself. I wasn't expecting this. After ten months, he confirmed that he really do love someone else. I'm so stupid because I already know about this right from the start and yet, I let myself be enchanted by the very being that he is. 

"I know. you don't have to explain anything. So what's your decision?" That was the only statement I could ever think of saying. 

"I'd give up both of you to be fair." What? He'd give up? Something inside me is shouting and objecting not to give me up but the next words that came out of my mouth was unselfish, so unselfish. 

"Give me up but not her. I know I can never compete with what the both of you have. I can never compete with history." I never thought he'd agree but he made a decision and he gave up on me. I wanted to cry because I can't contain the pain that piled within me but I controlled my tears, I just smiled because I don't want him to see me hurt. Then he grabbed my hand and he used it to punch himself, to hurt him as he was uttering these words... "Punch me, hurt me, hate me, and be mad at me. please, I've hurt you and you have the right to get even with me." 

I looked at him, touched his face with my palms and I smiled bitterly. "I'm not mad at you and don't push me to be coz I'll never will. How can I hate the one who has and still is giving me the reason to smile and to wake up each morning brightly looking ahead that if yesterday was good, then today will be a lot better. How can I despise the one who gives me the reason to hope before I'd sleep that I'd still reach dawn and wake up the next day? Don't ask me to hate you. I can't!" He brought his eyes up to meet mine. 

"Tell me anything." He held my hand and kissed it. I know that would be the last time he'd do that and the last time I'd feel that kiss. 

"It took me three months to find out that I've fallen in love with you, six months before I ever had the courage to confess to you and to tell you I love you too, ten months to keep these feelings for real but you only have this moment to tell me that you'd give up on me? I never thought that I'd have you right in the palm of my hands but eventually will slip from my hold and totally be gone forever." 

I'm not blaming him, I'm just trying to state my point. 

"I never had any choice. I'm sorry!" His eyes are filled with guilt and I don't want to see him like that - guilt-stricken. 

"I understand. I love you now, I've loved you before and expect me to still love you." 

I am expecting to hear that he does feel the same. But there was silence, deafening silence that all I could hear is my heart's wreckage as it shattered piece by piece. A question then began crashing through my mind. did you ever loved me? But I know I can't ask you such question coz maybe I can't contain the answer and the pain accompanied with it. Maybe, I'm not yet ready to face it. I was too busy listening to my subconscious as it speaks of pain that I hardly noticed you stood up. The next thing I saw was that you were walking away from me. Then I saw you walking out of the room, I wanted to call you back but I tried to fight the urge to stop you and to hold you back because I know for the fact that I'd find it hard to go on without you coz I love you so much. But never did I stopped you because I know to whom you belong - not with me.


I've learned to let go. I've taken another detour and this time, it never led me back to you again. But I wish it did. I just wish I could go back to where we were before our story ended coz maybe, I had the chance to change our story's heartbreaking ending. Maybe I had the chance to change your mind and make you mine. But I can't, I didn't and I'll never will for the mere reason that our time already passed us by. I know, I was so damn wrong to let my chance, our chance to pass by right before our very eyes. The greatest regret that I've always brought with me was that I never had the courage to give way to the question that kept haunting me till this very moment. The question that I never asked, that I regret that I never had, question whose answer I know would hurt me so bad. Question that until now I haven't found the answer because I got scared, I failed and that was the greatest failure I ever committed my whole life. Coz maybe, if I had asked you, then I'd let go not only of you but also of these emotions that were never been flushed out of my system - of my being. Yes, I still love you after all this time. I've let go of you but never of the love I have always kept with me.

I was only several steps away from the door when my eyes got caught on someone. There you were, the man I've loved for ten years, wearing that white long sleeves under that dark coat, your hair is still neatly covered with gel. Seeing you stand in front of those church pews brings back my memories - our memories ten long years ago. The only odd thing about this situation is that I'm not the one walking towards you.

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