Remembering the past…infidelity

I’m happy with my life now, though sometimes, I have this urge to bring back the past that I really don’t want to remember at all…I was sitting on our couch that night, while contemplating on how boring the next two months will be when the phone rang. It was my former boyfriend on the other line. So we talked. Little did I know that my uneventful life would finally be exciting.

Dec. 2001….when my former boyfriend and I crossed paths again…imagine, after long years of not seeing him with no communications at all…here we are again face to face as if we’re very close… I was so happy that time and obviously, my feelings towards him came into view again!!! To make the story short….we reconciled… we were both happy…although there are some petty quarrels. I considered our relationship as one of a kind [based on my past experiences].

During those months that we’re together, gloomy sky and great storms came our way. But we were able to resolve those. I made sacrifices just for him. I lost my pride because of him. I’m the greatest martyr as you may say…but I accept that…I love him so much that I wasn’t able to leave even a little love for myself. I have not prayed for someone like him, but then he came.

My life was changed when he entered my life. He changed me. From my vices, even my attitude. Everything seemed so simple, all I have to do was live life to the fullest and I’d be okay. All that changed the day I met him. He showed me there’s more to living life. I have to say he inspired me, he made me do things extraordinarily. Although in an earlier part of our relationship, it seems like sometimes I’m taken for granted. Yes, I can say that I appreciate every little or big things he do for me. But it seems not enough. I really can’t say that he loves me as much as I love him. I love him so much that I can give up everything just for him. Never had I looked at another guy even though everyone around me was setting me up for a date or was introducing new guys to me and guys courting me. I kept my distance from them because I knew, deep inside, that I was committed to him…and to him alone!

September last year was the start of something I can’t explain. He became aloof and sometimes quite irritated and argued with me. I cried hard every time we had a fight. But January this year, on our first year anniversary, I can say that this was the happiest days of my life. He gave me a tri-color ring with his name and the date of our anniversary engraved on it. We celebrated our anniv. in my house with our closest friends. I was so happy, because I know that there’ll be no one who can break our relationship.

Until one night, I had this urge to look at his cell phone. I hardly took it from him. Yun pala I have to discover something…something that I never expect might ruin our relationship. I read a message that says “ thanks for being part of my life, blah blah blah”. I asked him what was it all about, what does that girl meant when she send that message to him. He just told me that she was just a friend and maybe it was just one of those forwarded messages. But I didn’t believe him. We talked for hours conversing about that.

“Hon, what was it all about, is there something I need to know?” I asked.

“No hon., I’m not hiding anything from you, believe me.” He said.

“ but how can I believe you if it’s obviously not a forwarded message and that message was intended for you?!”

 “Tell me something I need to know, I promise I’m not gonna be mad at you.”  Then he firmly told me that it didn’t mean anything. That I should trust him and he love me.

“Hon if you want, let’s call her or let’s go to her place and you go find it out yourself. But I tell you, it’s just a waste of time” he told me.

But that didn’t help me to just ignore that.

The next day, he came over. I got his cell phone and told him, “okay, now let’s call her!”. I don’t understand why he acted so nervous. He even got mad at me. he told me that he’ll go and he’ll just come back. I told him to leave his cell phone with me so I’ll call that girl. I want to find it out myself. So when he left, I dialed her number and looked for her.

Fortunately, she was the one who answered the phone.

“Hello, may I please speak with ----[better not mention her name]. >

“speaking, who’s this?” she asked. 

“ I hope you don’t mind, I just wanna ask if you send a message to ------[my bf’s name] last dec. 10.” I said.

“yes, why?”

“what’s with you and him?” I asked.

“now?, I can’t say we’re okay”

“why?”

“he never called me. we’re cool-off. He said he needed some space because he’ll not have time for me coz of his meetings with his frat members”

“you mean to say that he’s your boyfriend? Since when?”

“Sept. 9 2002. but wait who are you, is this his sister?

“no! I’m his Fiancée”

She was really shocked when she heard that from me. I asked everything in detailed what was happening to them. She asked me to meet her somewhere that night. and so we met... 

We talked for hours conversing about them and about us. I even let her see the ring that he gave me. She cried. She ended her relationship with my boyfriend. She apologized because she didn’t know that he’s already committed with me. After that, I went home and cried hard in my room…as in “cry me a river” ako that night. It was so painful. Especially for the fact that something intimate had happened to them. I can’t believe he can do such thing. He called me several times but I refused to, I don’t wanna talk to him. My mom, my aunt and my sister were also in my room trying to comfort me. Then he came over. He knew already what had happened. My family allowed us to talk so they left us in my room.

“Hon, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t love her. It’s you that I chose. I ended that stupid thing, believe me.” he said

“I asked you several times but you didn’t tell me the truth. I told you before that if there’s something I need to know, then let me know even if you knew that I’m gonna be mad at you. I could even thank you if you did that thing!” I said.

“please, listen to me, I’m really sorry. I promise that would be the last.”

“wasn’t my love good enough? I gave you everything, I sacrificed a lot. Is there something missing? Tell me, is there something I must do that I wasn’t able to show you?” I asked.

“no Hon, there’s nothing missing. I know it’s my fault please let’s clear this stuff.” He said.

To make it short…I accept his apology although that really hurt me so bad.

Things aren’t the same. Life seems so complicated, so complex. My dreams start to drift. I was about to give up, to let go, and to live life as if it was meaningless. But I told myself don’t and not to succumb to the trials of my life. We both tried hard to bring back things as it were before. I tried to forget that but sometimes I just can’t help but still wonder why he did that. Pain made me strong enough to face it and keep holding on. That’s not that easy so to speak.

Now, we’re both happy. Happier than before. The petty quarrels became minimal. Arguments fade. We’ve done so many things together, perhaps too many that we almost forgot what it’s like to be alone. He showed me how much he loves me. Our relationship grows stronger and stronger as time goes on. I am happy now, really.

They say that love is loveliest when embalmed in tears. But, I just can’t understand why love can also strike and leave negative emotions to someone who values it so much.  As for me, what’s important is we’re both happy now. I also discover from that girl that she was the one who made the move for her and my boyfriend be together. With that girl, she considered me a friend and vise versa. We exchanged e-mails up to now. As to my boyfriend, he’s improving. He changed a lot. [but take note, for the better]. I love my boyfriend so much that I can give up everything just for him. Even if it means losing my own identity. I can do those things for him. I didn’t regret losing the amount of love for myself because I believe that it’s worth it. The only problem is, when we part ways and go on with our own lives [ that I don’t want to happen] I don’t know how to take that love back. Even my trust, I gave it back to him…as in my whole trust.

“Hon, thank you for everything. For giving me another chance. For being so patient and understanding, and most specially, for loving me the way you do.” He said.     

“ Thank you also…for the heartaches and pain especially for the good things you have done for me…because all of those taught me how to be strong and hold on to this relationship.” I said.

well that’s it….i can say we're both happy now… and I couldn’t asked for anything more….

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