Letting Go...
I was
right. It is really hard to fall in love with someone who’ll hurt you in the
end. I fell for my friend, though I never thought I would. But life goes on no
matter what takes place, I would have to forget him and somehow move on with my
life. It may be hard to move on without him, but if he’s happy with someone
else, I’ll have to learn to let go, even if it’s letting go the hard way.
We
met in junior high, and became indivisible. We were always beside each other,
helping one if the other is down. We were like partners: Fred and Wilma, Scooby
and Scrappy, milk and cookies. The only difference is that we had our own legend
in school. We were Anne and Ben – the most perfect pair. Girls loved him and
drooled just to spend a minute with him. And honestly speaking, guys went the
same for me. Our friends kept on assuring us that we’d be together till the
end, no matter what happens. Though we started only as friends, our friends
paired us in everything. Coming home from the high school dance, he finally
proposed. He said things like, “I don’t guarantee you that I wouldn’t hurt
you because I’m not perfect. I may do things that’ll hurt us both because I
only love, but I can guarantee you one thing, I’ll forever love you, and
forever keep you safe… as long as you accept me tonight and in time, if I may
ever hurt you in any way, I’ll come back, no matter what.” I was left with
no words to say, we became “us” that same night.
We stayed together for years. No one ever tore us apart and nothing ever
changed the way we felt towards the other. I loved him and he did love me, too
like life itself. Good times happened and it will forever leave memories behind.
His footprints will always be present in my heart. That was what I always kept
in mind.
A few years after college, he was offered a good job in Canada. A perfect
restaurant business offer was what he was waiting for, but we never thought it
would be out of the country. The pay, the people, everything seemed right,
except for one thing – me. If he’d accept it, I’ll be left here in the
Philippines just longing for him each day. But, I loved him too much; enough to
set him free and see him someday, if we’re really meant. Destiny was what I
called it. A part of him wanted to go, but also a part wanted to stay, but I
pushed him to leave. “If we are meant to hold each other at night when it’s
cold, if we are meant to take care of one another when we get old, destiny would
somehow bring us back together,” I used to say to him.
Days after that, he left. As I was watching his plane take off, I
remembered all the good times we had. Those, I thought, would never be erased in
our hearts. I didn’t let him go because I wanted to hurt him, or I didn’t
love him enough. I set him free because I firmly believed that we would, as my
friends used to say, come down till the end.
For the first few years that he was away, we would always talk on the
phone, sharing the events that had happened that day. But, along the way, we
lost each other. I didn’t know what to think or even how to feel. My whole
life depended on him too much and I didn’t have enough courage to finally say
goodbye.
Years after, I found out that he was engaged to his partner in his
business, and a few days before his wedding day, he came home – with his girl.
He came to me and told me the news, apologized, and yes, hurt me. After all the
years I’ve learned not to think about him, when he was there, my heart melted.
My feelings were too strong just to be forgotten.
“What
happened?” I asked him, but no response came.
“Somehow, we lost track,” he finally said after moments of silence.
“I know, why?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too, but tell me Ben, why?”
That
night, I had no other choice but to forgive him, and giving him my final hug,
tears flowed uncontrollably.
Today is his wedding day, and maybe, right now, he is saying his vows to the girl he loves.
It
is really tough to let go of someone you’ve learned to spend your life with.
It’s hard, knowing that in spite of your differences, you’ve made it. But,
whatever the reason behind why he just stopped loving me, I would have to accept
it. I don’t know if I could ever learn to love again. I don’t even know if I
want to. I’m scared of getting hurt, being left one more time. Maybe, I
don’t have enough courage to be harmed again. However, I know love works this
way. You long for someone you want to spend forever with, you find, you love,
you have him, but in time, you lose him then you get hurt. It all goes around in
circles.
But
with Ben, I’ll always have faith in him. Why? Simple… he guaranteed me that.