ODE TO NATURAL CHILDBIRTH
I've done the Lamaze,
breathe deep and slow.
I've packed up my bag,
and I'm ready to go!
I've read all the books,
and I really must say-
there's no need for pain killers,
I'll do it the natural way!
My first few contractions,
no big friggin' deal.
Why do the women
cry, scream and squeal?
Dilated to three,
this isn't so tough.
Now I'm at four,
I'm a pro at this stuff!
But then six came along-
and the breathing don't work.
Honey, I love you,
but get away from me, jerk!
Sweety, ask the nurse
for a pain killer, NOW.
If you don't, I will kill you-
someway, somehow.
You can shove your focal point
straight up your ass!
Get the bitch with the needle
and stick it in fast!
I'll rip out your heart,
you ungrateful bastard!
How can I breath slow
when the contractions are faster?
Don't tell me to push,
let's see you try to do it!
I'm going to die
I'll never get through it!
One final push
Then the pain turned to joy-
and in ecstacy, I melted
When I saw my baby boy.