What Will We Think of Next?
The Girls: How fucking stupid can you possibly be? According to the report, they took the pictures and sent them to their boyfriends. The boyfriends then felt the necessity to spread the photos across the school. Nice job, girls. Maybe next time you'll know not to trust horny fifteen-year-old boys with naked pictures of yourselves. Also, this is going to be on their records forever. Can you imagine applying to a college and not getting in because it says "amateur under-age porn star" on your disciplinary record. I can picture an admission board at Harvard getting their applications and going, "Excellent grades, lots of extracurricular activities. This girl is great! Wait a minute...amateur porn star...what the hell? We can't have any of that here. Fail." Personally, I think Harvard could use an on-campus porn star. It would really liven things up.
The Boys With the Pictures on their Cellphones: Congratulations! You just commiting one of the most pathetic crimes ever. They're so stupid, that they're not even going to get prosecuted. All that happened was some Pennsylvania State Troopers went in and confiscated their phones for a couple hours. And get this: apparently, they were surprised to get caught. News flash dipshits! Your cellphone messages are logged online. I bet it took a really long time for them to find you. Sorry, but it's just hillarious when people screw up commiting crimes. I used to watch CSI just so I could laugh at the end when the dumbasses got caught (unless they were really sick - like, Jeffrey Dahmer sick).
The District Attorney: He was quoted as saying something along the lines of, "A crime has been commited here, and it's my job to stop it." I will attack this quote in two segments:
1. "A crime has been commited..." Wow, that's profound. Child pornography's a crime? I never would have guessed.
2. "...it's my job to stop it." Um...no it isn't. Here's a hint: it's a good idea to read a job's description before applying. It's not your job to stop crime. It's your job to punish the dipshits that get caught commiting the crimes. It's a police officers' and superheroes' jobs to fight crime.
The Media: First of all, this was apparently old new. It happened months ago. Congrats on keeping up with the times, news people. Then they kept referring to it as "cellphone porn." Cellphone porn. Doesn't that sound like some kind of service? Imagine:
"Do you often feel sexual urges while away from home? Do you really want to masturbate to some Grade-A pornography? Well we have just the thing for you...Cellphone Porn! It's porn to go, that fits right there in your pocket! Just send us your cellphone number, make monthly payments, and we'll send you a new dirty image once a week! Pay for the first two years now, and you'll get the first month free! So, next time you're feeling horny in math class, you know who to call...Cellphone Porn Inc.!
(Insert a mildly suggestive jingle)
If you want porn sent to your phone, call us now at 1-800-Cell-Porn (I know that's eight letters; it's a joke, dipshits) or visit our website at www.cellphoneporninc.com.
(Spoken so fast that it's barely understandable) Cellphone Porn Inc. is not responsible for any possible side effects, such as: chronic masturbation, blindness, anti-sociability, deafness, parental disciplinary action, and an unhealthy increase in fertility."
Can't you just see that on TV? Anyway, let this be a lesson to all of you budding porn stars: wait till you're eighteen, damn it!
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