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RATING: PG-13 for adult situations
KEYWORDS: UST, DAL, M&S Angst
SPOILERS: WARNING! SEASON 7 SPOILERS AHEAD!
ARCHIVING: I'd be absolutely honored. Just let me know so I can come
visit.
SUMMARY: There are no atheists in foxholes...
NOTES: I began writing this when the first round of season 7 spoilers
started coming out, so there may be some late-breaking news that's not
included. This story is just my perception of how things may turn out,
and was written with pure Mulder love. *g*
FEEDBACK: Best gift I could receive.
DISCLAIMER: Nope, I don't own 'em. But I'll be sure to put them on my
Christmas list for Santa Claus this year.
And special thanks to my Barb, my wonderful beta. I'd be honored to
have you nitpick my stories anytime.
Foxhole
by Piper
***********
I had deluded myself into thinking that I had made the right decision.
I know that now. Heck, I even knew that when I had signed my name in
blood on the contract of my own death. Well, not literally, but still,
I have no one to blame but myself.
*************
I knew better than to trust anyone, even if it was Skinner and Diana.
The only person I will ever fully trust is Scully. But Scully wasn't
there. And Diana and Skinner were. My sanity had been on its last
legs, getting closer and closer to the breaking point as the voices in
my head got louder and louder. I cried, I begged, and I screamed for
Scully to come back, because I knew she'd make the pain go away. But
she didn't come. Only Skinner and Diana did. And with them they
brought a man and a proposal.
Their first entrance into my room had sent me into an uncontrollable fit
of rage. Their lies and their betrayal rolled off them like waves,
drowning me in their deceit. I felt nauseated just being in the same
room with them, and I had begun thrashing wildly. Apparently they had
been prepared for this, because the man they had brought with them had
pulled out a syringe and injected me with some sort of tranquilizer
while Diana and Skinner held me down. Eventually, I quieted. And I
listened.
They explained to me that I was special-an anomaly they had never
expected. Parts of my brain had been activated that weren't ever
supposed to be. It was an unknown phenomenon, and they needed to study
it. The results of their study could possibly prevent the imminent
destruction of life as we know it. Sounded good. But there was a
catch. There's always a damn catch.
Skinner couldn't meet my eyes when the doctor - which is what the
mystery man turned out to be - said this. His averted gaze told me all
I needed to know. This was going to be bad. Really bad. So I just
turned back to the doctor and waited. And even now, I remember his
words as clear as rain.
"Agent Mulder, to be able to study these parts of your brain, we're
going to have make an incision into your scalp, cutting through the bone
and operate directly on the brain tissue. From your experience with
your partner, I'm sure you're fully aware of just how sensitive of an
organ the brain is. And no one has ever performed surgery on this
particular part of the brain before."
The doctor stopped and looked at me, and for a fleeting second, I
thought I caught a hint of remorse in his gaze. But I know I must have
imagined it, because these people have no remorse. I remained silent,
and eventually he sighed and continued.
"If this surgery is performed, it's almost certain that you will not
survive it. There will be too much damage to the brain."
How dare they? How dare Skinner and Diana, the two people I once
trusted as much as I could, bring the proposal of my own death to me?
They made me sick.
"Get out," I rasped.
They seemed to have expected this response, because Skinner turned to
look at Diana. She stepped forward and spoke.
"Fox, we only want what's best for you and for the Project as a whole.
These noises in your head aren't going to stop. What do you want to do?
Go insane? How will that help anyone then? The least you can do is
give us a chance to save everyone. This sacrifice would validate your
entire life."
I saw red. No, not red. I saw blinding white fury come in front of my
eyes, and for a moment, I was speechless. I got over that quickly
though.
"You bitch," I spat out. "What the fuck would you know about validating
anyone's life? Your entire life has been one lie after another, told to
get what you thought was best for YOU. You've never given a damn about
anyone in your entire life except for yourself. What would you fucking
know about sacrifices and saving people?"
Diana had looked properly shocked. No matter what turns our
relationship had taken before, I had never spoken to her that harshly.
But then again, I had never realized the full extent of her betrayal,
the farce of our relationship.
Then again, Diana wasn't the only one who looked shocked. Both the
doctor and Skinner had taken involuntary steps back, almost as if
withdrawing themselves from the line of fire. But then Skinner realized
that he was going to have to be to step in. And he hadn't looked too
happy about it.
"Agent Mulder..."
I shook my head at him, stopping his words. I didn't want to hear them.
I could deal with betrayal by Diana-I had expected it. But not
Skinner. I had trusted that man, and whatever his reasons may be for
doing this, I couldn't handle the lies that I knew would come out of his
mouth. So I turned my head away from all of them.
"Get out."
There was no response for a moment, then I slowly heard three pairs of
footsteps move towards the door. Before he walked out, the doctor left
one last parting shot.
"Sleep on it, Agent Mulder. I'll be back tomorrow to get your final
answer."
Bastard. As if I didn't have enough on my mind.
As they left, the dull sounds of their thoughts became louder in my
head. They had been suppressed during our conversation, partly because
of the tranquilizer and partly because of my agitation over everything.
But as the quietness settled in, the voices came back. And so did the
loneliness.
Scully...
------------
I had fallen asleep soon afterwards, but my dreams were troubled. And
the voices hovered just on the brink of my consciousness, waiting to
assault me as soon as I woke. Finally, at one point I did, and I had to
grab my head instantly as they came over me. But I knew I had to
somehow ignore them, because there was a decision to be made. One that
concerned my life.
It had been easy to dismiss their proposal when they had been in my room
- my anger had been fuelling me. But in tthe night, when I had a chance
to think more rationally, it didn't seem like an easy decision after
all. I didn't know where to tackle the problem from, so I used one of
my most tried-and-true methods. I asked myself what Scully would do.
Ok, that one didn't help much this time. I *knew* what she would do.
She would say, "Hell, no" and then go about on her own, fighting the
battle with her own strength of will and determination. She wouldn't
even give their proposal a second thought. And this would work for me,
if not for one minor detail. I'm not Scully. The value of her life is
very different from the value of my own, at least to me.
So I began thinking.
If I am an anomaly, as the doctor so aptly put it, then wasn't it my
humanly duty to allow myself to be studied? I didn't know if what the
doctor said about being able to stop colonization is true, but if it is,
then what? Even though I had shrugged off Diana's words at the time,
they came back to haunt me now. What has my quest been for all this
time? Has it been to save the world from the aliens I knew to be out
there, or was it really so selfish as my search for my sister? Would my
sacrifice help lead Scully one step closer to finding out the truth?
And if it would, then should I give up my life for that?
My life. God, that was a staggering thought. Had this proposal been
made to me six years ago, I would not have been debating this. I would
have already been on that operating table, my skull cracked wide open.
That's how little I valued my life back then, and how much I valued the
answers I was searching for. But then Scully came into my life, and she
changed everything. She gave validation to my work, and she gave
validation to my life. Suddenly, I found a reason to wake up in the
mornings that didn't involve aliens. She started to become the center
of my life, and that had scared the hell out of me. That's why I found
myself pulling away time and again. I felt like I was betraying my
sister and my quest because Scully was slowly becoming the most
important thing to me in my life.
But as she always does, Scully won that battle too. I couldn't deny it.
Without her, nothing else mattered. And that thought had once brought
me to the brink of ending my own life before. But I didn't, and Scully
came back to me again.
My life has value now. Regardless of where we stand in our
relationship, deep down I knew my life has value to her. And it has
value to me because she's in it. So how could I end it without
consulting her? My life belongs as much to her as it does to me. So do
I have the right to make this decision on my own?
But then another wave of memories assaulted me. Scully lying in a coma
after her abduction. Blood dripping out of Scully's nose. The empty
hospital bed in her room when I thought I had lost her. Scully, looking
pale and lifeless, fighting her cancer with every last bit of her
strength. Emily. The empty coffin in the church. Searching burnt
corpses, praying that Scully would not be one of them. The desperate
fear that she would get called back again.
Scully didn't just own part of my life--I owe it to her. I promised her
that we would find the answers, no matter what.
No matter what. If giving up my life would help explain everything
that's happened to her, would give some sort of justification to it,
then I had no right to be selfish. This life is hers, and I knew that
once again, she would be selfless enough to not allow me to make this
sacrifice for her. So I made the decision for her.
**************
So that's why I'm laying here now, the night before my scheduled
operation, coming to the slow but sure realization that I've made a
terribly mistake. After I had talked to the doctor this morning, a
surgery had been scheduled for tomorrow. Which is slowly becoming
today.
I have no exact sense of time right now. They took away my watch when I
was brought here, and apparently they forgot to give me the Presidential
suite, because there isn't a clock in the room either. So I have
nothing left to do but just wait. I gave up on sleep a long time ago.
It was never one of my stronger suits anyway. But as I lay here,
pointlessly staring at the ceiling, I feel sleep roll over me gently and
take me away.
************
When the alarm goes off, I turn over onto my side and burrow my face
into the back of the warm body sleeping beside me. Apparently that
tickles her, because she laughs and turns over to face me. As I look at
her face, an unsettling feeling slowly begins to uncoil in the pit of my
stomach, but I push it away and smile at her.
"Good morning."
She smiles back at me, the sunlight illuminating her pale skin.
Dropping a quick kiss on my lips, she rises out of bed and pulls her
robe on.
-----------
I find her in the kitchen next, brewing coffee for both of us. She
doesn't know I'm there, and as I stand looking at her, once again I get
that sinking feeling that something is seriously wrong. Then she turns
around to face me, and I quickly wipe that look off my face. Giving her
a smile that hopefully hides my agitation, I walk up to her and wrap my
arms around her, breathing in her hair. Something tightens inside me.
This is not right. She's too tall, and she doesn't smell the way she's
supposed to. She's not soft. There's no comfort in hugging her.
She shoves me away slightly.
"Fox, stop that! You know if you keep that up, we're both going to be
late for work again. Somehow I don't think the FBI likes its agents to
be consistently late."
I sigh. She just doesn't get it.
"I'm sorry, Diana, but the FBI isn't exactly my idea of a dream job. I
know we met there and all, but after getting married, I thought that we
would find jobs elsewhere. I didn't know that you planned on remaining
so attached to it."
Diana laughs, but there is no humor in her brown eyes. Brown eyes. Not
blue. Brown hair. Not red. The feeling of wrongness crashes over me
again, and this time I can't fight it. It actually causes me physical
pain, and I fall back into the chair behind me and bend over, clutching
my stomach. I can hear Diana's cry, but it sounds like it's coming from
a very far place. As I slowly slump to the floor, only word softly
escapes my lips.
"Scully."
**********
I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding. As I look around the
darkened room, my brain slowly begins to orient itself. And for once,
the noises are gone. I don't know why. My only guess would be that I'm
still too shaken up from my dream. Or rather, my nightmare.
Is that what life would have been like with Diana if I had stayed
married to her? Throughout my entire dream, I never felt happy. All I
felt was that there was something seriously wrong. And I know what was
wrong. Scully wasn't there. She wasn't a part of my life, and that
made it all wrong.
God, I could never stand a life without Scully. I would cease to live.
But then the double standard of that hits me, and the first waves of
"You're an asshole" begin to play in my head. It's a stupid tune I made
up a long time ago when torturing myself for hurting Scully when I
didn't mean to, and it's served me well. If I can't imagine a life
without her, then what is her life going to be like without me? I'm not
egotistical and I don't begin to imagine that she wouldn't be able to go
on, but still. By making my stupid decision, I've fucked up two lives,
not one. God.
God? Where did that come from? I've never believed in Him. I did when
I was young. My parents weren't the most religious people in the world,
but they did have their faith, and I did too in my own childish way.
But then when Samantha was taken, it all ended. Their faith and mine.
I don't know their reasons, but for me, I couldn't get past the fact
that God would let a little girl be harmed like that. I couldn't
believe that He would cause a twelve-year old boy to suffer like that.
And as our family broke apart piece by piece, so did my faith.
When I found Scully, she became my faith. With her, I could find
absolute certainty that things would be okay, that she would make
everything right again. I found my solace in her arms, in her presence.
But she's not here right now.
"But God is."
The voice comes from inside my head, and it sounds so much like Scully
that I want to cry. I know there's no way that I could have heard her
actual thoughts. I haven't heard them since she left. So it must be a
figment of my imagination. But at the same time, a small well of hope
has sprung up in my chest. God, I want to believe.
My faith is in Scully, but her faith is in God. And so I pray. I pray
that I can somehow take back my decision. I pray that I can somehow
avoid my death tomorrow. I pray that if I do have to die, I get to see
Scully one last time before I do. I pray for Scully to come find me. I
pray for her love, and pray that she knows mine. And at the end, I pray
for His forgiveness.
Tears are silently streaming down my cheeks, and I have no recollection
of when they started. But as I finish my prayers, a feeling of utter
calm and peace descends upon me. I close my eyes, and I sleep. And for
the first time since coming here, I feel safe and protected.
************
I slip out of sleep when I hear the door to my room open, but I do not
open my eyes. I know the doctor is here, and I do not want to see him.
Confronting him means confronting the fate that I've so wrongly chosen
for myself. But at the same time, I know this is my only opportunity to
change that fate. So I open my eyes and prepare to tell him that I no
longer want to go through with it. But instead of seeing the doctor,
I'm confronted with the vision of an angel of God. And in that instant,
I know that my prayers were heard and answered.
As my eyes begin to adjust, I realize that the angel is pissed. As they
adjust further, I realize that the angel also has red hair and blue
eyes. And she's pissed. Uh-oh. But even though I know I should
probably be afraid of that look, I can't help the smile that spreads
widely across my face. It's the first time I've smiled here, and damn,
it feels good.
Apparently Scully must have thought the same, because she doesn't look
quite so mad anymore. In fact, if I look closely enough, I think I can
even detect the slightest hint of a smile on her lips. The anger's
still there, but her eyes are also radiating pure happiness right now.
And that nearly makes me cry.
God, I'm an asshole.
I think Scully's established some sort of radar by now that lets her
know when I'm about to go down Guilt-trip Lane again, because she shakes
her head at me and smoothes a hand through my hair.
"Now's not the time, Mulder. We need to get you out of here."
At the sound of her voice, I feel a fresh wave of tears coming on, but I
stop myself. She's right. Now's not the time.
I pull myself up to a sitting position, and then swing my legs over the
edge of the bed. Scully steps away from me, going to the small niche in
the corner that's supposed to be a closet. Apparently she finds my
clothes, because I hear her give a little triumphant, "Aha!" Seconds
later, she reemerges, carrying my clothes with a proud smile on her
face. I grin at the sight, and she tosses the clothes at me.
"Get dressed, Mulder. I'm going to go check you out in the meantime."
Ok, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I have to know.
"Scully, how...?"
She cuts me off with the shake of her head, mockingly wagging her finger
at me. God, she's happy, I realize with amazement.
"Patience is a virtue, Mulder. First let's concentrate on getting out
of here, then I'll explain everything. And if I'm correct, you have
quite a bit of explaining to do yourself."
With that, she heads out the door, but not before getting a glimpse of
the guilty look that's reappeared on my face.
I hastily pull my clothes on, gratefully shedding the medical gown
that's been repeatedly soaked with my sweat and goodness knows what
else. When I'm done, I almost feel like a new man. And I also feel
damn tired. After no physical exertion for the past however many days,
I can tell that my body has weakened. And they haven't exactly been
keeping me well-nourished either.
As I sit back down on the bed, trying to regain my strength, Scully
comes back in. One look at my face and she's by my side. Guess I must
look worse than I thought. Her hand immediately reaches for my
forehead.
"Jesus, Mulder! You're burning up!"
I smile shakily at her, feeling the trembling in my limbs.
"Coulda' fooled me, Scully. Because I'm feeling pretty cold right about
now."
Scully shakes her head at me, a sad smile on her face.
"Oh Mulder, the things you manage to get yourself into."
She rubs her hands up and down on my arms a couple of times, trying to
help me get warm. Then she wraps the blanket from my bed around my
shoulders, securing it snugly so that I'm fully surrounded by it, arms
and all. Reaching into her purse, which she apparently decided to carry
today for some reason, she pulls out her ever-present bottle of aspirin.
Guess being with me has taught her to be prepared. She shakes out two
pills and gives them to me, then hands me the glass of water sitting by
my bedside. I take them gratefully, then smile at her charmingly.
"So Scully, you ready to blow this joint?"
She smiles back at me, and then puts her arm around my waist to support
me as I stand. My legs tremble beneath me, and I stop.
"You think you can make it, Mulder, or should I go get a wheelchair?"
I shake my head at her. I've had enough of being an invalid.
"I'm fine, Scully."
She looks at me, not believing me for a second. But then again, I never
believe her either, so I guess we're even. I look back at her, silently
daring her to contradict me, and she sighs.
"Ok, let's go then."
We slowly make our way out to the parking lot. I don't even bother
looking at the Nurse's Station. My mind is focused on only one
thing-freedom from this place. As soon as we exit the building, I can
feel the voices begin to build up again. For a while there, I hadn't
even realized that they were gone. I was too busy being happy that
Scully was back, and that she had come to get me. But as soon as I
reenter the real world, so to speak, they begin pushing their way into
my head again. I groan, and Scully stops instantly.
"Mulder? What's wrong?"
I let go of her shoulder, which I had been using to support myself, and
clutch my head as the voices get louder and louder. I fight the urge to
sink to my knees because I know that I won't be able to get back up
again, and I really want to go home. Scully rubs my back soothingly,
murmuring soft nothings to me as she tries to calm me down. Eventually,
the episode subsides, and the voices once again retreat to the edges of
my subconscious. I release my head, and give Scully a shaky smile that
doesn't quite reach my eyes. The look on her face is grim, and she
doesn't smile back.
"Come on, Mulder. Let's get you home."
**********
I guess home meant Scully's apartment, because that's where she pulls up
a little while later. I had dozed off during the drive over, exhausted
from the past days and my recent episode. Scully had understood, and
she avoided any conversation the entire way. The only time she woke me
up was when we arrived, and even then, she didn't say anything.
By now, Scully's out of the car and by my door, which she opens for me.
Reaching across me, she undoes my seat belt, and then moves to step
back again. But before she can, I catch her wrist and pull her a little
closer. She turns to look at me, and her eyes are level with mine. I
give her a small smile and whisper, "Thank you."
Scully doesn't smile back, but her eyes are peaceful. Slowly, she moves
forward and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead. Then she releases her
wrist from my grasp and steps back from the car.
For the millionth time that day, I just wanted to cry. The love and
tenderness in her kiss was nearly more than I could stand. God, how
could I have ever even considered giving that up? How could I assign so
little worth to a life that has a wonderful woman like her in it?
Yep, I'm an asshole.
I realize that Scully's still standing by my door, waiting for me to get
out. Grabbing onto the handle for support, I lift myself up and out of
my seat, joining her on the sidewalk. She closes the door and then
smiles at me.
"Think you can make it the rest of the way?"
I smile back at her and nod, not trusting myself to speak. Slowly, I
step off the curb, and after checking for cars, make my way across the
street to her building. Scully matches her pace to mine, never going
ahead of me and always remaining by my side. When we get to the
building, she holds the door open for me and wisely opts for the
elevator instead of the stairs. By the time we make it to her
apartment, I'm nearly out of my reserves of strength. As soon as she
opens the door, I'm inside and on the couch, sinking down onto it
gratefully. Hell, this feels *good*.
Scully comes inside and locks the door behind her, then follows me into
the living room. When she sees me, I give her a sheepish grin. She
just crosses her arms over her chest and shakes her head at me.
"Uh-uh Mulder, you're going to bed."
I try to give her my best leering grin, not being able to resist my need
to comment.
"Patience is a virtue, Scully."
Hearing her words thrown back at her in a decidedly different context,
she glares at me, but I can see a hint of a smile in her eyes.
"You know what I mean, Mulder. You're running a high fever, and you
need to be in bed getting some rest. And don't even bother arguing with
me."
Inwardly, I groan. I know that tone of voice. It means that no matter
what I say or do, I'm going to bed. Whether I like it or not. But
still, I have to give it one last shot, so I assume my best whining
voice.
"C'mon Scully, I've been in bed for longer than I can remember. I don't
wanna go back to bed. I'm sick of bed. Can't I just stay out here with
you and talk?"
Okay, that gets her. She can't hide the grin anymore, and she shakes
her head at me.
"Mulder, quit acting like a two year old. You're going to bed and
that's final."
Yep, I knew I wasn't going to get past that tone of voice. I give her a
mock sullen look, and on the way to the bedroom, I leave her with my
last parting shot.
"Yes, ma'am."
**********
When I awaken, the room is dark, and for a moment, I forget where I am.
But as I look around the room, the events of the day come flooding
back, and I realize that I'm now in Scully's bed. I hear a faint
rustling to my left, and as I turn towards the sound, my head is
instantly gripped with pain. I groan, and within an instant, Scully is
kneeling by the bed. She turns the lamp on and reaches for the wet
towel that she had sitting on the nightstand, spreading it gently on my
forehead. I can feel her run her fingers through my hair, over and over
again, and that helps a little. But God, it hurts. The voices are
loud, and the pain is excruciating. It feels like somebody keeps
beating up my head with an anvil or something. Hell, even that analogy
isn't quite enough.
After what seems like an eternity, the pain subsides and I am left
gasping for breath. Scully's fingers are still running through my hair,
and I can now hear her softly murmuring to me, telling me that it's
going to be ok. I close my eyes, and she runs her hand slowly down my
cheek. Without looking at her, I turn my head into her gentle touch,
drawing from its comforting warmth.
After a moment or two, I finally open my eyes. And I am dumbfounded to
see tears in Scully's.
"Scully? Why are you crying?"
My voice doesn't come out as more than a whisper, and I can feel fear
clawing at my throat. Scully gives me a tremulous smile that doesn't
last long, and then she shakes her head at me.
"I don't know, Mulder. I don't know."
Her eyes are level with mine, and I can see complete honesty in them. I
feel relief spread through my body when I realize that she hasn't tried
to hide her feelings this time by telling me that she's fine. She
honestly doesn't know.
I sit up in bed, leaning back against the headboard. Then I scoot over
slightly and pat the space on the bed near my hip in invitation. Scully
looks startled for a moment, then hesitantly rises and sits next to me
on the bed. Her gaze has dropped from mine, and her vulnerability in
this moment hits me like a ton of bricks. For once, I see her barriers
lowered, and I don't see her attempting to raise them again. It scares
me shitless, but it also gives me hope. I gently cover her hand with my
own, and she grasps it tightly. Her eyes lift to mine, and I can see
the tears beginning to fade. But the honesty and trust is still there.
"Why were you going to do it, Mulder?"
I sigh. I knew that question was coming sooner or later-I just didn't
expect it now. But Scully deserved an answer, and now was as good a
time as any. I run my thumb over her knuckles slowly as I search for
words.
"I don't know, Scully. At first, I refused their offer outright. I was
infuriated that they would suggest such a thing. Especially Skinner.
But then when I started thinking, I realized that this might be my one
chance to finally figure out the answers that you and I have been
searching for all this time. The answers that we both deserve to have.
How could I deny you that chance, Scully? After all you've lost
because of our search for the truth, how could I become the factor that
would keep you from discovering those answers? I owe you so much more
than that, Scully. I owe you my life. And that's how I made my
decision."
The tears are back in Scully's eyes, and I can see her struggling to
understand. I think that my logic is failing in the mind of my rational
partner, and I don't blame her. It barely makes sense to me anymore.
Her grip tightens on my hand, forcing me to look directly at her. There
is anguish in her gaze, but there is also strength. Strength for both
of us.
"Is your life worth that little to you, Mulder?"
God, how do I answer that? I'm tempted, so tempted, to take the easy
way out and give Scully a simple 'no', but she deserves more than that.
She deserves to know the truth, the whole truth. So help me God.
"It was, Scully. Hell, it was worth even less before you came into my
life. But when I met you, things changed. Your presence gave my life
value. Suddenly, death at my own hand wasn't hovering around every
corner. I admit, there was a time in my life when I was very suicidal.
I made it through that by redirecting my energy into my education, and
then into my job. But during the past six years, we've encountered
things that easily would have put me at the edge again, had it not been
for you. It was your strength, your comfort that got me through time
and again. The only time that I came close to pulling a trigger on
myself was when I thought that I was losing you, and that it was my
fault. But somehow, we both pulled through that. And my life got new
meaning. You. And since then, my life has never been worthless."
My throat is tight when I finish, my last words nearly choked out of me.
I don't think Scully expected this much honesty from me, but she
accepts it at face value. Her hand tightens on mine, and I can see
confusion lingering in her eyes.
"But Mulder, if you feel this way, then why were you going to go through
with it?"
I sigh, understanding her confusion. I know how this must all sound to
her. Rationality has never been my strong point, and I know Scully's
having trouble following my line of reasoning.
"I wasn't going to go through with it, Scully. At least I didn't want
to. The night before you came, I had a nightmare. It's not important
what it was about, but what was important was that it showed me how much
of an asshole I was for making that stupid decision. You didn't deserve
that. But when that realization hit me, I was also scared because I
feared that I wouldn't be able to reverse my decision, that I would have
to die and leave you behind."
I pause as I remember how I felt at that moment, reliving it in my mind.
Scully touches my cheek softly, speaking in a whisper.
"Then what happened?"
I smile at her - a peaceful smile as I remember how I got through the
rest of that terrible night.
"I heard you, Scully. I heard your voice in the softest whisper in my
head, telling me that God was there for me. And even though I didn't
have faith in God, I had faith in you. So I listened to you and I
prayed. I prayed that I could take my decision back, that you would
come for me. And you did, Scully. You did."
Had I been an eloquent man, I probably could have written poetry about
the smile that Scully gives me. Her eyes shine with tears, and the way
that she's gripping my hand tells me that she's completely speechless.
I take this moment to lean forward and touch her cross with my free
hand, then I move it higher to cup her cheek gently.
"I had lost my faith in God when my sister was taken, refusing to
worship any Being that could be so cruel. I blamed Him for all of the
wrongs in my life. But I never stopped and looked at the blessings.
And last night, I finally realized that I had no right to doubt a God
who had put someone as beautiful as you in my life."
The tears finally spill from Scully's eyes, and I can feel the wetness
mirrored on my own cheeks. I open my arms and she moves into them,
settling her head right over my heart. I kiss the top of her hair, and
I feel her turning her head upward. My eyes move to meet hers and she
smiles.
"I love you, Mulder."
Let it be known that Dana Scully is the first person to ever render me
completely speechless, and it's a victory that I grant her happily. I
don't need words to answer her anyway.
I lower my lips to hers, pressing a chaste kiss to them. I worship
their heavenly softness with my mouth, applying the most reverent of
pressure. After timeless moments, I move my lips to her forehead, and
she lifts her eyes to mine. They're peaceful and calm and strong and
loving and so much more. And there is only one word to describe how I
feel.
Blessed.
************
End
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