CAST (completely open by race, gender, age, except as noted)

Todd: 14-year-old boy (must be instantly believable for age; casting open for race and gender)

Mom: his mom. Played as if his Mom is playing herself in Todd’s play.

Dad: his dad. Played totally straight, as if he were not aware of being in a play.

Alicia: his little sister. Overplayed, as an amateur or semi-professional performer might.

Baby Loretta: his baby sister, a doll or puppet manipulated and voiced (and believed in) by Mom.

Rex and Fluffy: respectively, a dog and cat; puppets operated and voiced by a performer clad in black.

Doctor Weissnichts: offstage voice, by crewmember, director, or doubled by Dad.

Miss June: A Playboy Playmate; can double as Rex and Fluffy’s operator.
 
 

PROPS & SCENERY — impoverished, improvised

Stage left — Todd’s bed, convertible; when this is closed it is the living room couch. A daybed will do in a pinch. Note: Todd’s ‘bedroom’ is located somewhat upstage from living room. Living room set will also feature a chair, easy or otherwise. Coffee table optional.

Stage right — the basement rec room. A ping-pong table (or other table which Todd will point out is supposed to be a ping-pong table), piled high at each end with random papers; two lawn-chairs.

LIGHTING — two lightings — Straight Play and Strange Interlude (with extra amber for the final Strange Interludes).
 
 

Scene I.

House lights are up. Stage lights come up.

Todd enters, stage left.

Todd: Hello.... Hello.... Hi. My name is Todd Harriman. Last year in Ms. Pruitt’s drama class we read this strange play called ‘Strange — ’

(to lighting crew)

Guys? Guys? Start again.

(exits stage left)

Stage and house lights down, then stage lights up again, Straight Play (SP) style.

Todd enters stage left.

Todd: Hi. My name is Todd Harriman. Last year in Ms. Pruitt’s class we did this weird play called ‘Strange Interlude,’ where the characters said their thoughts right out loud. Some pretty strange things happened in my family since then, and my therapist, Dr. Weissnichts, suggested I might learn something about myself if I wrote a play about them. Since I knew what I was thinking, I thought it was fair that my character should tell his thoughts to the audience like Eugene O’Neill’s characters did. I didn’t write what the other characters were thinking because I didn’t know. But you’ll see. When the lights go like this —

Strange Interlude (SI) lighting.

— that means my character is talking right to you, he’s not freaking out or whatever. Okay.

SP lighting.

Todd: So. Enjoy the play.

Todd exits stage left. Lights down, and up Straight Play.

Todd lays on his back in bed with his sneakers resting on the wall. Mom enters his bedroom.

Freeze; Strange Interlude. Todd walks to front of stage and addresses the audience.

Todd: I was lying on my bed looking at the ceiling and thinking about things when Mom walked right into my room without knocking. Luckily I wasn’t saluting the wizard, or whatever.

Todd resumes his position on bed. SP; continue.

Mom: (laughing through tears) Todd, your father wants to see you in his office.

Todd: Huh?

Mom: The rec room.

Freeze; SI lighting.

Todd to front of stage, addresses the audience.

Todd: My Dad got excessed the month before. Since then he’d been hanging out in the basement all day, behaving a little weird.

Todd returns to bed, lies back in same position. SP; continue.

Todd rolls off the bed and puts his arm around Mom, who is snuffling.

Todd: You okay, Mom?

Freeze; SI. Todd steps downstage.

Todd: I really shot up after my thirteenth birthday. This was the first time I could remember looking down at the top of my mother’s head. I could see her skin between the hairs.

Todd returns to Mom’s side. SP; continue. Todd continues to display undue curiosity about Mom’s scalp.

Mom: Your father’s fired me.

Todd: What?

Mom: I’ve been laid off, excessed. (laughs) Your father’s outsourcing my duties.

Todd: But he’s just kidding, right?

Mom: Of course he’s just kidding, Toddy. It’s his way of coping. I think. Anyway, let’s just indulge him for today. You’re next.

Todd: He’s not going to fire me, is he?

Todd steps forward and addresses the audience, but SP lighting continues.

Todd (cont.): It was hard enough my allowance was cut — oh wait, we took this one out. Sorry, my bad.

Todd returns to Mom’s side. ‘Mom’ is annoyed. Continue.

Mom: Oh, Toddy, who knows. Just talk to him.

Mom pokes Todd to get him going.

Mom (cont.): And Todd?

Todd: Yeah Mom?

Mom: Please don’t lay like that with your sneakers on the wall. I’ve told you I don’t know how many times how tough it is to get the scuffs out.

Todd: Sorry Mom.

Todd walks stage right, toward rec room door.

Scene II.

[During this scene, Todd’s bed is unobtrusively closed and living room set is made up.]

SI lighting. Todd opens basement door to show audience handwritten sign taped on it: ‘Averell Harriman, President’ in large black letters.

Todd: I never knew my Dad could print that neat.

Todd taps the name ‘Averell’.

Todd (cont.): Everybody always calls him Abe. But anyway. I knocked on the door to the ‘basement’. (light emphasis on word ‘basement’)

SP. Todd knocks gently on door, then harder. No response. Todd opens the door and mimes tiptoeing down steps, unable to resist casting looks at the audience to see if they’re noting his technique.

Lights up in rec-room. Dad is sitting behind a ping-pong table, on a lawn chair. The table is piled high at both ends with all kinds of papers. His hair is badly combed. He wears a dress shirt and unfashionable tie. He is poking his pinky nail idly in a crack in the table.

Freeze; SI. [Dad unobtrusively continues his business during most Strange Interludes when he is on stage]

Todd: I’m really proud of this set. This is exactly the way it looks. [(if ping-pong table unavailable for set, add:) Except that that’s supposed to be our ping-pong table with the net off.]

SP; continue.

Todd: Knock knock knock.

Dad: Is that you, Harriman? Come in.

Todd mimes walking down the rest of steps, comes to table.

Dad (cont.): Were you waiting long?

Todd: Uh, no.

Dad: Things are a little disorganized around here. I had to let my secretary go and they haven’t sent me a new girl from the pool yet.

Todd: Uh-huh.

Dad: Sit, sit. We’re not formal around here.

Todd sits in a lawn chair across from Dad, who searches for a particular paper. SI.

Todd: I snuck a peek under the ping-pong table. Yep, he was still in his boxer shorts. But he hadn’t broken into the six-pack yet.

SP; continue. Dad has found his piece of paper.

Dad: Harriman — may I call you Todd? Todd, I’ve been reviewing your work record and I have to tell you I’m very impressed, very impressed.

Todd (beat): Thanks Dad.

Dad: Call me Abe. You may have noticed that there have been some changes around here lately. Some old faces going and some new faces coming in. But I wanted to let you know that on the basis of this very fine record —

Waves piece of paper around. Freeze; SI. [Dad freezes]

Todd (points at paper): It’s an ad for Mow-and-Go.

SP; continue.

Dad (cont.): — and your long service here, the board has decided to name you my new executive assistant.

Todd: Uh, thanks Abe.

Dad: There will of course be a rise in pay grade — as well as a considerable number of perks. (Tosses a bunch of glossy magazines across the table.) Interested?

Todd: Sure. (Todd begins flipping through the magazines)

Dad: But you should know, er, Todd, that it’s not going to be all peaches and cream. You’re going to have to assume the duties of executive secretary, executive assistant, executive vice president, executive chef, executive in charge of maintenance....

SI. Dad pantomimes continued speech.

Todd (still examining mags): I zoned out for a bit. He was just listing all the stuff Mom did. Does. Would do. Whatever. (holds one magazine up) He usually hides this stuff behind the meat freezer. Hey, new Playboy. (displays mag) Woof. Miss June is bodacious.

After a moment, SP; continue, somewhat startling to Todd.

Dad: What do you say, Harriman? Are you on board?

Todd: Jeez, it’s really hard to keep track of these Strange Interludes sometimes.

Dad: Is that a yes?

Todd (back on track): Yes sir, Abe.

Dad: Good. Good. (turns the Mow-&-Go ad over, squints) Now for some of the downside stuff. Do you know a... an Alicia Harriman?

Todd: Uh, yeah?

Dad: Get her in here. I’m afraid she has to be surplussed. I want you to see how it’s done.

Todd: Gotcha.

Todd moves toward door; Dad busy as lights go down on rec room. Todd tucks magazines under his shirt and then mimes running quickly on tiptoe up steps. Opens door, looks around, then sprints into living room set as lights come on there.

Scene III.

We get just a glimpse of the people in the living room as Todd sprints past them. Mom is on the couch feeding Baby Loretta her bottle. Baby Loretta is played by a doll or puppet whose movements and sounds are made by Mom. Fluffy, a cat, sits on the couch and watches them; Rex, a dog, sleeps on the carpet: they too are hand puppets or dolls. Alicia, the little sister, sits on the chair swinging her legs.

Mom: How’d it go, Todd.

Todd: Okay Mom be right back.

Todd arrives in the area just behind the living room, where his bed had been. SI.

Todd: Okay, I’m back up in my bedroom now. See, this is where my bed was but we needed it for the couch in the living room too so —

Dr. Weissnichts (off-stage left, or voiced stage-right by Dad): Todd, these interludes are for exploring, not describing.

Todd (looking stage left): Sorry Dr. Weissnichts. (to audience) I went to my bedroom to explore my emotions about all these changes in dynamics that were going on in my family, and to get these magazines stashed —

Dr. Weissnichts (off-stage): Showing, Todd, not telling. Showing.

Todd pantomimes agonized confusion at the audience. Then he displays the skin mags and mimes hiding them under a mattress. He returns to the living-room area. Mom is now burping Baby Loretta, but otherwise things are as they were before. SP, continue.

Mom: That’s better. Now tell me what Daddy said.

Todd: He said —

Baby Loretta burps hugely (voice by Mom). All look at Baby Loretta, including Rex and Fluffy. Todd stifles a smile.

Todd: He said I should call him Abe. I think he gave me a promotion.

Mom: A promotion?

Todd: I think he gave me your old job, Mom. No offense.

SI; freeze.

Todd (seriously): Mom’s face was really hard to figure out. Before she had been laughing and sad, now she was laughing and mad. All the feelings were swirled together like the lines in a fingerprint. (nods, affirming to audience and, off-stage left, Dr. Weissnichts) Showing.

SP; continue.

Mom: None taken. I hope he likes your cooking. He certainly hasn’t liked mine lately.

Todd (aside to audience): Showing in dialogue.

Alicia (mockingly): Ha ha. Toddy has to coo-ook. Hope you like your apron, To-odd.

Todd: Laugh while you can, bratto. He wants to see you next.

Alicia stops kicking her feet.

Todd (continues, aside): Showing my little sister.

Dr. Weissnichts (off-stage left) and Mom: Todd!

Todd: Sorry.

Mom: What did he say about Alicia, Todd. Exactly.

Sometime during the following dialogue Fluffy begins teasing Rex. This is performed in a showy manner.

Todd: He said she had to be surplussed, and he wanted me to see how it’s done.

Mom: Surplussed? That’s what he said? Surplussed, nothing else?

Todd: Yeah.

Mom: Well, that’s okay then.

Alicia opens mouth in outrage. SI, freeze all except Fluffy and Rex.

Todd (to actor animating Fluffy and Rex): Quit it! (to audience, after regaining composure): Mom was really bent out of shape by this surplussing Lisha business. I didn’t get it.

SP; continue. Fluffy and Rex eventually resume their byplay, subtly at first, rising to same showiness by the end of the scene.

Alicia: Mo-omm!

Mom: It’s okay, sweetums.

Mom gives Baby Loretta to Todd and kneels by Alicia.

Mom: Sweety, honey, Daddy’s playing pretend right now. He’s playing pretend that he has his own company in the basement. That’s because he misses his old job. Can you be a big girl and help Daddy play pretend?

Alicia: No.

Mom: Sweety. Didn’t Daddy go to one of your tea parties and pretend that Miss Dolly was real?

Alicia: That’s different. Miss Dolly was real.

Very quick SI, just long enough for Todd to address audience.

Todd: Oh puke.

Mom: Well, this is real for Daddy. Go along with him and I’ll play Barbies with you later.

Alicia: You’ll do the voices?

Mom: I’ll do the voices.

Alicia: Can you come with me?

Mom looks at Todd, who shakes his head and hands Baby Loretta back.

Mom: No, but Todd will go with you and he won’t tease you. Right, Todd?

Todd: Right. (he offers Alicia his hand, nobly) Come on, Alicia. I’ll go with you. (She puts her hand in his, he conceals finding it gross) Just be cool. You know how to be cool?

Alicia: Uh-hu-uh.

Todd: Great.

Todd and Alicia walk hand-in-hand stage right to the basement door.

SI and freeze, except once more the animal puppets are out of control. All turn to watch until the performer animating Rex and Fluffy realizes what’s going on, and freezes.

Todd (beat): Oh yeah.... (indicates sign on door) We were almost at the basement door before I remembered to ask.

SP; continue.

Todd (cont): Mom? Is Dad’s real name Averell?

Mom: No.

Todd nods. Todd and Alicia through the basement door. Fluffy leaps on Rex as the lights go down on the living room set and come up on the rec room.

Scene IV.

Alicia and Todd pantomime tiptoeing down the steps, hand-in-hand. Stop. Todd prompts Alicia.

Alicia: Knock, knock, kno-ock.

Dad: Is that you, Miss Harriman?

Todd squeezes Alicia’s hand.

Alicia: Ye-ess.

Dad: Come in, please.

Todd and Alicia mime coming down the rest of the steps.

Dad (cont.): Please excuse the mess. I had to let my executive secretary go, and Mr. Harriman here has just stepped up to bat. Sit down, please.

Alicia sits attentively on the edge of the lawn chair. Todd stands behind her.

Dad: You don’t mind if Mr. Harriman sits in on this little meeting, do you?

Alicia: Uh-uh.

Dad studies a different piece of paper in front of him.

Todd (stage whisper to audience, pointing): The warranty for the VCR. (responding to off-stage left comment) Well they can’t see it!... Yeah, but I still wanted it in!

[Todd sulks, until Alicia’s outburst is imminent]

Dad: You two aren’t related, are you?

Alicia: Todd is my broth-er.

Dad: Splendid, that’s just splendid. Isn’t that a coincidence. (marks the paper) Now, Miss Harriman, you’ve been with us seven years, I believe?

Alicia doesn’t know what to say. Todd pushes the back of her lawn chair and she looks up at him.

Todd (not into it): Tell him how old you are.

Alicia: I’m seven-and-a-half years old.

Dad: Seven-and-a-half years, hmm, yes. And in those seven-and-a-half years, have you been happy?

Alicia: Yes!

Dad: Well, this enthusiasm is commendable, but I’m afraid it’s not entirely reflected over the course of your record with us.

Alicia has put her chin on the ping-pong table and is opening and closing her jaws so her head pops up and down.

Dad: Miss Harriman... Alicia! (she sits up) This chronic flagging of your attention, your inability to commit to long hours on special projects, the flaring of, dare I say it, your moodswings, all of this would recommend that you begin seeking a position with another organization.

Alicia: Dad-dy?

(getting ready to cry, played very big)

SI; freeze.

Todd (back into the spirit): Oh, she does this part so good. Wait until you see this.

SP; continue.

Dad: Not to mention your flagrant disregard for protocol.

Alicia: To-o-odd?

(about to cry, played even bigger, looks towards Todd)

SI; freeze EXCEPT Alicia’s pre-outburst maintains intensity)

Todd: Man, I am so glad she agreed to be in my play. Check this out.

Todd clears his throat and assumes a solemn posture of readiness to deliver his next line.

SP; continue.

Todd: No point in prolonging the agony, Abe. Better tell her straight out.

Dad: I’ll be blunt, Miss Harriman. You’re fired.

Alicia: F-f-f-fired?

Dad (flatly): Pack your things and get out.

Alicia: Da-a-a-a-!

Totally huge outburst by ‘Alicia’, milked for all its worth. Todd visibly enjoys it. Dad stays stolidly in character. Finally Alicia subsides into great heaving sobs.

SI; freeze. Alicia quiets her sobs, somewhat.

Todd (admiringly): Now, that’s showing.... (reciting his next line) Little kids always have more snot and tears in them than you think they possibly can, but this was amazing....

Todd shakes his head once more in admiration.

SP, continue.

Mom bursts in through the door, Baby Loretta over her shoulder. Dad stands.

Mom: Abe! How could you!

SI; freeze on very dramatic tableau.

Todd: She forgot to do the stairs! I can’t believe it! Three weeks of rehearsals and she forgot to do the stairs! You saw how I did the stairs! Even Lisha remembered to do the stairs! I —

Mom (holding her frozen posture): Don’t try me, Todd. You’re standing on my very last nerve.

Todd: Sorry Mom. Ummm... Oh yeah. (points to Dad) Geez, they weren’t even his nice boxer shorts.

SP; continue.

Mom protectively sweeps up Alicia.

Dad: Mrs. Harriman. When we discussed your terms of departure this morning, I agreed to a period of transition. But this does not give you leave to interfere in matters of executive —

Mom: Oh, shove it, Abe.

Even in re-enactment, this impresses Todd. Dad sits back down.

Mom (cont., to Todd): And you, young man.

Todd (completely in moment): But Mom, it was, like, when you tear off a band-aid —

Mom: I’ll deal with you later.

Mom mimes stomping back up steps herding Alicia in front of her. Alicia mimes stairs too, looking back to stick her tongue out at Todd. They exit. Mom slams the door.

Todd and Dad regard each other.

Dad: That one. The minute I laid eyes on her I had her pegged for the mommy track.

SI, during which Dad reaches under ping-pong table.

Todd: I think he was talking about Alicia but he might have been talking about Mom. (beat) Then Dad blew my mind another notch, or whatever. (as Todd delivers next line, Dad pulls a beer from the sixer on the floor and tosses it to him) Dad pulled a beer from the sixer on the floor and tossed it to me.

The lights flare briefly to SP and back to SI.

Todd (to lighting crew): Your bad, guys.

Dad has started drinking his beer. Todd opens his own beer and sits comfortably on the lawn chair.

The lights modulate to a slight amber tint.

Todd: (conversationally) Drama really wears you out.... (nostalgically) The first beer I ever tasted, I remember like it was yesterday.... I was sitting on Daddy’s lap and he gave me a sip.... It made my tongue shrivel up and feel like it wanted to run away. (sips) It still tastes awful.

SP. Baby Loretta starts crying (voice by Mom).

Dad: You hear that, Todd? That’s the sound of the future. Lean, mean, cheap to feed, doesn’t take up much space. Clean slate, totally dedicated to the organization. Loretta Harriman. Are you two, by any chance, related?

Todd: She’s my baby sister.

Todd sips and winces during following dialogue, gradually beginning to enjoy his beer. Meanwhile, Dad finishes one beer and pops another.

Dad: You and Ms. Harriman, related? How interesting.... Wave of the future, Todd.

Todd: Wave of the future, Abe.

Dad: Okay! (bangs his beer down on the table. Todd is startled and snorts some beer, wipes his face with his shirt) Tomorrow’s agenda. Ready, Todd-ski?

Todd: Ready Abe-o-rama. (Dad gives him a look) I mean, ready Abe, sir.

SI.

Todd (conversationally to audience) Beer up your nose makes you dizzy fast.

SP.

Dad: First off. We’ve got both a dog and a cat on staff. You can’t convince me one animal can’t do the job of both. Slate one for excessing, write a termination strategy, have it on my desk first thing in the morning. Got me?

Todd (to audience): That was an easy choice. You don’t have to walk a cat.... (to lighting crew) C’mon guys, keep up with me! (to audience) Jeez, am I the only one paying attention?... I’d miss playing ball with Rex. But I’d get over it. (to Dad) Got you, Abe.

Dad: Make the right decision, kid. It’ll be your turn to wield the ax. See how lousy it feels. Second thing. You’re clearly capable of assuming most of Mrs. Harriman’s former duties, but some of those were... pretty specialized. We’ll have to outsource those. You know Mrs. Moscowitz next door?

Todd: Yeah?

Dad: She’s a divorcée, I believe?

Todd: Yeah. (burps, smirks) (to Dad and audience) Scuse me.

Dad: Good. Have her fax me a resumé.

Todd: What about Mrs. Fanelli? (towards living room) Deal with me later, huh Mom? (to audience) See how her nerves like that one.

Dad: Trixie Fanelli? She solo again?

Todd: Yep. ’cording to the paperboy.

Todd walks downstage as lighting changes to nostalgic, beer-tinted SI. Dad continues to pontificate as lights go black on rec-room set.

Dad: Good. Excellent, excellent networking, Todd. I can see that this is going to work out just fine. Why....

(Todd addresses audience. He’s schnockered)

Todd: Gee, I really liked it when Rex would just put his big smelly mouth around my arm, and hold it there and pant with his big old tongue and, and look at me with his big old brown eyes. Good old Rexie.... This executive stuff is gonna be harder than I thought. (beat) What did that old cat ever do for me anyway?... Maybe it’s Fluffy who should get the ax.... Yeah, Fluffy.

Hold lighting. Awkward silence. [any awkward, tentative clapping should be cut short by advancing next lighting cue] Sudden Straight Play light over Todd’s bed, with Miss June in it.

Miss June (trés seductive): Todd. Oh, Todd.

Todd (exclaims, no longer drunk): Miss June! (thoughtfully) Alienation effect. Bodacious. (Hurriedly, to audience) Well hope you liked my play I learned a lot about my feelings Good night everybody!!!

Sprints to his bed, ignoring ‘stairs’ and other theatrical niceties, leaps in with Miss June.

Blackout.