Day 1 - Henry admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Anne Robinson. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Sally is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Ste "Stinky" Jones later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Big Lee James creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Nicola hits him with a frying pan.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The Dickens Inn out of chicken vindaloo. After much persuasion by Big Lee James, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the The Dickens Inn task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Ste "Stinky" Jones, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the chicken vindaloo. Nicola is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the The Dickens Inn task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Ste "Stinky" Jones farts and blows The Dickens Inn over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Anne Robinson cries.

6 - Big Lee James gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Anne Robinson admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a frying pan. Henry says he never wears condoms because they make his thumb sore and Big Lee James agrees. Sally goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Ste "Stinky" Jones sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Big Lee James.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Henry goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Nicola and Anne Robinson are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Henry.

9 - Nicola and Anne Robinson are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Sally sings them a song - Bum Bum Willy Willy Poo Poo - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Anne Robinson out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Anne Robinson leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Anne Robinson's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Sally has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Nicola is visibly depressed and is comforted by Big Lee James, who tries to touch her on her nipple.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Big Lee James touching Nicola's nipple over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Ste "Stinky" Jones refuses to run because his thumb hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Ste "Stinky" Jones finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Nicola calls Ste "Stinky" Jones a lazy thumb.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Henry tells everyone individually that he thinks Nicola is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Nicola and Big Lee James are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Henry.

16 - The nominations are announced. Nicola can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Big Lee James is equally stunned and turns to Nicola for comfort. Ste "Stinky" Jones is distraught and confesses to Sally that he thinks he is in love with Big Lee James. Sally says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Big Lee James out of the house. Nicola says she is gutted and even gives Big Lee James a clipping of hair from her nipple to prove how much she cares. Ste "Stinky" Jones is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Big Lee James leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Nicola clipping the hair from her nipple. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Costa Rica in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Costa Rica sounds like but Ste "Stinky" Jones says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Henry as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Henry successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Costa Rica but also God Save The Queen, Bum Bum Willy Willy Poo Poo and the theme tune to The Simpsons. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Henry tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Ste "Stinky" Jones and Sally are nominated.

23 - Ste "Stinky" Jones and Sally take their nominations well and sit down with Henry and Nicola to discuss why they voted for them. Henry keeps quiet but Nicola accuses Ste "Stinky" Jones of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred thumb before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Sally out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Sally leaves.

25 - Henry becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Henry's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of gerbil dung using only a frying pan. Henry is unsure but Ste "Stinky" Jones is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Ste "Stinky" Jones breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the gerbil incident from his childhood. Nicola tries to persuade him to stay but Henry sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Ste "Stinky" Jones decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the gerbil dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Nicola from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Henry asks Nicola to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Henry nominates Nicola to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Nicola.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Nicola graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Henry is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Henry takes his £70,000 and runs away to Costa Rica. Nobody, including Nicola, ever sees him again.
 

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