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A relationship is the state of being connected. In this context, two people being connected to each other, recognizing each other's existence. The role they play defines the relationship. Establishing a relationship means defining and agreeing to your role and the other person's role. You play a role that is recognized and accepted by the other person and vice versa. Therefore, the role forms the basis of the relationship.

(Note here that I'm saying that one 'should know' his role in a relationship. Not that he 'should play' some role, e.g. because society has imposed it upon him or it is expected of him. That's an entirely different matter.)

How are relationships created? Often it is agreed to implicitly, meaning it it not stated explicitly in words. People exchange interaction and develop a friendship. People argue with each other and become sworn enemies. Sometimes it is explicitly agreeed or defined, like "Will you marry me?" followed by a wedding ceremony (explicitly agreed). Or "I gave birth to you, therefore I'm your parent." (explicitly defined)

It is important to recognize what your role is, firstly, for the sake of maintaining the relationship status quo. When you step beyond the agreed role, you risk disconnection, or losing the relationship, because the definition of the relationship is violated. If you're a friend, but behave like an enemy on certain days, that's damaging (you take on the role of enemy when you talk behind my back. You violated your role. Therefore I can decide to terminate the relationship.) If you're a parent but act more like a child on certain days, that's confusing. If you're a friend, but act horny one night, that's trying to take things too far (unless the other party doesn't mind). Role violation is damaging to a relationship.

That however does not mean relationships are, or should be, static. A relationship can be dynamic - it can change and develop with the passage of time, either for the better or the worse. Your manager can become your friend. Your friend can become your loved one. Your loved one can become your enemy. Your enemy can become your manager.

So how then does a relationship develop? It involves a step-by-step, reciprocal, interactive negotiation process, where every feedback strengthens the relationship and possibly bringing it gradually to the next level (or it could also go the opposite direction). The feedback comes from an exchange of what can be called, to borrow from Eric Berne, a pioneering psychologist, a 'transaction'. The transaction therefore helps in maintaining, building or destroying the relationship, depending on how positive the effects of the transaction is.

However, in certain relationships (this especially applies to the romantic type), going to another level involves taking a certain amount of risk in crossing the 'boundary', where you are asking for a different role (for example, from friend to loved one). Because you're requesting for permission to violate your predefined role in place of a new one, there is also the danger of losing the relationship (or at least, things may not be quite the same again).

Relationships cannot be forced. It is determined by the minimum role one party is willing to embrace. If one party is only willing to be your enemy, then enmity it shall have to be no matter how hard you try to extend your offer of friendship. If one party only wants to be friends, then friendship it will have to be, even if you desire something more than platonic. If one party doesn't want the relationship at all, then strangers you will both remain. You are unable to force the other party to be something he is not willing to be, because that would imply violating his freedom and ability to choose. He may have one of a multitude of reasons- not ready, afraid, expects something else, does not want it, does not like you, etc. (Of course, that doesn't mean you can't be persistent.)

Since relationships cannot be forced and trying to take it to another level risks losing it, then what? This is where the strength of the relationship comes in.

The strength of the relationship depends on how easy it is to maintain the relationship. For simplicity, we'll model it by breaking it down to three levels of strength- strong, average and weak.

Weak: the slightest violation of your role easily breaks the relationship, e.g. "Aw, honey, I'm sorry I forgot it was your birthday, I didn't buy you anything..." (violates the role of being a boyfriend). "OK, goodbye, have a nice life." (end of relationship)

Average: Basically strong, except for some definite no-nos, danger areas, hot spots or wrong buttons, that, if violated spells disaster. (e.g. he had a one night stand)

Strong: In spite of everything, both party is still able to maintain the relationship, unless it is repeatedly violated (e.g. one affair, I forgive you. Five affairs...that's probably too much for anyone but the 'till death do us apart' purist)

(Note that how damaging the violation that occured also depends on the perception of the other party, e.g. for some people birthdays may not be important at all or one night transgressions may not be a big deal.)

Thus in order to bring the relationship to a higher level, one needs to first evaluate the strength of the relationship. If he judges it to be strong enough, only should he attempt to take the risk, or he will risk losing it altogether.

People change over time, and this injects another dynamic factor into relationships. Some changes inevitably mean that a relationship no longer can be the same or be possible, because one or both party are unable to fulfill his role or he may have changed his willingness to play the role he used to fulfill. Yet other changes may be for the better- both parties have become ready to play a new role they have secretly wished for. And of course, there are some relationships that are strong enough to survive any changes.

In conclusion, the role forms the basis of a relationship. The basis is the foundation from which to work on. Therefore, recognizing one's role in a particular relationship is the first, crucial step towards building the relationship.

.: Leftnwrite - 8/1/2002 :.

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