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Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2002, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, condoms would be it. The long term protection of condoms have been proved by scientists whereas the best of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own one night stands. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the hardness of the erections of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the hardness of the erections of your youth until they have failed you. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at the videos of your partner and you and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much excitement lay before you and how incredible the sex was. Your brother is not as short as you imagine.

Don't worry about her getting laid by someone else, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to get Julia Roberts on the wedding aisle. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you while you're making out with your partner.

Do one thing everyday that stimulates you.

Shave.

Don't be reckless when laying people, don't put up with people who are reckless when laying you.

Flirt.

Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you cheat, sometimes she cheats, the relationship is short, and in the end, you'll find another girl.

Remember the first time you got a blow job, forget all the rejections; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old flame's thongs, throw away old condoms.

Shag.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know who you slept with last night; the most interesting 22 year old girl I slept with I didn't know her name; the most interesting 40 year olds I didn't know either.

Get plenty of lubricants.

Be kind to your boobs, you'll miss them when they start to sag.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary, what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either; your relationships are half chances, so are everybody elses'.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the only instrument that'll ever give you pleasure.

Run naked. Even if you have nowhere to do it but across the football pitch.

Read the instructions for your pills, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read porn magazines, they will only make you feel inadequate.

Get to know another drugstore, you never know when they'll hike up the prices.

Be nice to your gynae; they give the best advice about STD and the people most likely to medicate you for herpes.

Understand that one night stands come and go, but for the precious few you should have intimacy transcending sex.

Work hard to fill in the pages of your phone book because the older you get, the more you need the people you never thought you'd call .

Make out with a hooker once, but leave before she makes you hard; make out with a transvetite once, but leave before he makes you soft.

Tease.

Accept certain inalienable truths, boyfriends will cheat, girlfriends will dump, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, boys were faithful, girls weren't fickle and teens respected their dates. Respect your dates.

Don't expect wonderbras to support you. Maybe you'll have a boob lift, maybe you don't need one; but you never know when either one might sag.

Don't mess too much with your pubic hair, or by the time you're 40, it will feel like a porcupine's back.

Be careful whose butt you pinch, and, beware of sexual harassment laws .

Phone sex is a form of leisure, engaging it is a way of learning new tricks from the pros, fulfilling repressed fantasies and reliving your one night stands.

But trust me on the condoms

.: Leftnwrite - 6/25/2002 :.

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