1. Poem, written in 10/28/1998

Lost memories were awakened by the bitter-sweet melodies
Of the master of understanding and lover of depression--
A quick quiver motivated by the remembrance
Of my dog's painless yet violent death and my ceaseless guilt,
Of the things that human would do that turns out to be no good for anybody,
For the recognization and the ignorance of facts,
Accepting the road pathed by motifs of self-destruction and unhealthy obession;
Yet a supernatural feeling I acquired in my heart and a part of my intellengence
Had informed me morality and swell my heart with a believe,
Represented by one uniqued or separate figures by believers of gods,
As I recognize it in every single one of us as a part of the whole goodness of humanity,
Understanding and knowledge we have is defined as a tragedy we have.
Conflicting ideas are defined as definitions,
Knowledge we have are our creations.
With a wrathful love and a pointless joy,
Heaven and hell are merely definitions--
Chosen enjoyment of pain over suffering in comformity,
The only things I have is the God in me and the ones I see in others.
Yet I define myself as an independent atheist,
In love with imperfection, I know, by my definition,
All my faults, and that aknowlegdment is enough to satisfy me.
Memories are lost again, faded away
By the bitter-sweet melodies of the lover and the believer.
A violent twicth shocked my heart with the realization
Of my pointless life and my ceaseless love.
Thus I filled my heart with a bitter-sweet sigh
With love in imperfection and the enjoyment of pessimism.

2. Poem, written in 11/27/1998

When dreams do come true,
Self-governing and conscience struck my heart,
With thoughts and recognization of my demonish self fill up my mind.
Knowing the distance between me and my desire,
Understand the reason why people would separate themselves
From their goal, at hand yet distanted by both their extreme thoughts.
Life's full of chances that we shouldn't have,
And perhaps the chances that seemed facile
Might bring drastic aknowledgement
Of the distance between what I'm desperate for and my ability
To acquire such beauty, such happiness.
My mind, occupied by avarice and self-recognization
Of a fool that does not worth to have chances such flattering
That the acceptance of the chances would bring to destruction.
Once thought that I had lost my emotions, awaken
By my realization of such caring, such beauty, and such happiness
That I shouldn't have.
Plagued to not desiring anything back from every aspects,
Love, caring, happiness, patience, for those who once knew;
Am I finally getting something in return, yet I don't deserve?
Such irony!
Such peaceful yet unstable dreams!

3. A Set of 12 Poems, completed in 12/2/1998

Poem I

As the unfavorable guardian of my unjustified soul,
Who pertrays as a domain which stores my caring.
Appreciation of the acceptance of my demonish self,
Knowledge of his recognization upon my sacrifices
Which, in his heart, overpower my faults,
Does whisper my pride which penetrates into my mind.
A friend of imperfection, whom freedom not yet gained--
With a person such as myself and others,
Yield him the taste of freedom which occupies his heart.
He who sacrifices yet not recognizating his deeds,
He who detests the word "sacrificing" but demonstrates it so often.
Feelings not expressed, yet beyond the power of speech
Perceived by ones who sense him.
Differences are resolved by caring and appreciation.
Justifications of situations are differ,
Based on his overwhelming caring that I do not once deserved
And his unnecessary fear of my self destruction.
Recognized as a person who worth for all my sacrifices,
Satisfaction fills up my heart with the simple fact
That you're you.

***********************************************************

Poem II

Big D you are, pertrays more myself then I do when excited;
Where were you when I've questioned myself who I am?
You should have stood there and act as my mirror.

Big D you are, different yet understandable;
Do you remember the good properties you've reminded me of?
You are one of the few who approves my action because you made effort to know me better.

Big D you are, lovable yet reserved;
You have any idea how much you've reserved over all these years?
I hope I'm the one who discovers the craziness you have and magnifies it.

Big D you are, imperfect yet retrospective;
You know your depression acts as a part of mine?
Glad yet depressed after the recognization of your deep yet sorrow mind.

Big D you are, respected and dedicated;
Have you acquired the knowledge that I had given a part of my mind to you?
That, you shall value and aknowlegde forever, even after the day when we depart.

Big D you are, What does a poem means to you
When you know me better than the power of speech?
It would be an absurd thing to do to write a poem and remind you of things that you already knew.

You are one of the most surprising person I've ever met,
This friendship has been a piece of my mind
Which I know the possibility for losing it seems diminutive.

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Poem III

The summer was created by the same person who washes it away,
Who recognized me as a person that brought laughs and tears,
Whom I loved dearly and offered a portion of my soul;
Yet emotionally unavailable on my part,
My ability has only brought me to the recognization of myself;
And her departure is a lost of my own aknowledgement of life.
Brought me to a state where lies are uncovered to her
And at the same time would confess something truthful to my heart.
Properties she has made her so influential and unforgetable,
Reverse my reservation of my seriousness and compassion,
Yet encourage and recognize the value of craziness we both have.
Confusion arouse when you left, never recovered,
But a part of life that she has introduced me stays and affect me.
Every thanks I've said to her I do mean,
Even though she always deserves plenty more than she has.
Her fortune changes her world, her words write my mind.
Introduction is needed only to those who lacks situational advantage,
But to those who recognizes, the person who this poem shall named after
Has been and will remain my brotherhood forever.

**********************************************************

Poem IV

Thou knowz how muchie I carez and lovedz about ya?
Not expressedz throughz fancie languages but factz:
It does'ntz matterish how wellz i eXprezz myselv,
U had treatedz me w/ da same respectz as ya did.
I remembierz whenz i hadz some difficultiez speakin'...
Ya helpz me out lotz, despicez da fact dat I might notz be respectedz by otherz.
Ya werez mah inspirationz, ya werez mah model when me lostish meself.

Nowz dat u aknowlegdez yor impactz on mah,
Hopez it cann contrributie ta da motivationz ta succeedd.
Realizationn of one'z truezelf b'fore makin' anny judgementz,
Thatz I respectedz u 4 life.
The factz dat we hadz our partnerzhip iin playin' our instrumentz
Zince da beginnin' o' mah englios-speakin' yearz,
Yo contrributionn iz unablez ta expressish throughz da power of speech.

Mind is as pure as water in thoughts
Yet as hard as iron in fulfilling goals;
One who love spreads un-exclusively,
And one who believes and offers.

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Poem V

How ludicrous, that this madman turns mortality into love's protection.
He who knows and practice the aberration of the power of speech,
Recognizes his imperfection, demonstrates prejudice which he detests.
A madman full of irony and contradiction, yet full of love and courage.

How radiant, that this maniac turns curiousity into friendship's loyalty.
He who knows and tells whenever he tries to provide precaution to his loved ones,
Knowing the situation, determining what to announce or concealed .
A maniac occupies with interrogaty, yet full of knowledge and determination.

How ironic, that this warrior seldom fall into deficient of support.
He who knows and value the importance of encouragement and caring,
Protecting his own sources of defense, unintentionally lovable and cared for,
A warrior lives with originality and chances, yet full of contemplation and interference.

Differ yet appreciate your loving wrath,
Essential variation of definitions to life by a madman.
Unwanted yet inevitable love you yield and spread,
Influential and Knowledgeable,
Differ from just,
Yet respected and loved by one who lives.

*******************************************************

Poem VI

Why such agony when love floats?

Love exercises with the assistance of patience.
Comprehension brings you into my mind
Through communication defined by us as speech,
Such powerful, satisfying force
Yet perhaps increases my undeserved demands.
Attraction by inner self undefines love,
Love yields by motivation and communication.
Dependence on one side sums the depression on the other
On the unavailability and sorrow over obstruction of emotion,
Brings you to me only by unexpected situational interdependence.
Alas, emotion still lives, sorrowful yet permanent,
Reality pertrays only emotions but emptiness on support.

Sources of agony are demonstrated by love and contradicting situations.
Precedents and irony overrun desire.

*********************************************************

Poem VII

(written in Chinese)

See wao fung pi!
Wao sex xiao yee di do dang dai de chang,
Chang gay chen chong chung yamamoto,
Siu san sen sizo.
Bon ka chi ka bon ka chi ka,
chi ka bon ka chi ka bon ka?
See wao fung pi!

(translation)

One who cares the most yet cares the less,
Shares my humor yet conflicts and challenges my imperfection.
Life needs simplicity, dominated by attempts for innocence.
Unintentional love, yet so strongly expressed.
Non-discrimination spreads it's contradicting seeds,
Spreads confidence and seeds our conflicting ideals of processing love,
Which cares for the most but cares less for the unnecessary.

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Poem VIII

A beloved loner,
Whom thoughts show aberration;
Express her intense emotions,
Signifying nothing.

A knowledgeable listener,
Whom word's been told and care's been done;
Demonstrates her ignorance of knowledge and love,
Pertraying emotional logic deficiency.

A retrospective criminal,
Whom discovers her edge of evilness which blamed by misconducted thoughts;
Showing her tragic piece of contradicting mind,
Only spectators realize.

An obsessed demon,
Whom spreads and accepts love under unjustice and unacceptable words;
Conscience defame her into self-destruction,
Yet, the loner, still beloved by me, doubts my care.

Poem cannot once express me in full,
Emotions once again shown with forgotten speech.
Words I've said I do mean,
Once moved her yet never more.

"I like the way
You think inside you
Because you're actually a person with guilt
And yet you know and you think
And you're hurting yourself
With your conscience.
You are kewl as hell
And the conscience that you have
Against the bad nature about yourself
Is suppose to make you feel good."

"So it just keeps going on and on
And you feel bad about yourself
And you question if you're really a good person
Even though 'questioning yourself' is really something
That only a person with a warm-heart would do,
And you haven't been proud
That you're a person that knows your fault,
Knows what you did,
And can compare
What you know you should have done
And what you did."

An ignorant thinker,
Whom word's been told and love's been given;
Accepting the temporary appreciation,
Once again doubts my forever lasting care.

**********************************************************

Poem IX

Constructed over recovery of imagined and faultful obligation,
Efface miscommunication due to kindness and honesty;
Gaiety over a novel recognization;
Inevitable, ironic, fateful, unchangeable--
Nonpartisan does suffer pain by observing the unjust and ignorance,
Yet blame do partially act on the tragic accompanist of truth.

Disrespect and hatred, faultful assumption and precaution,
Obliterated with the rival arising of faith;
Joy upon contradictions, yet I pacify conflicts by ignorance;
Recognizable, agreeable, knowledgeable, respectable--
Spectator does sense unnecessary yet presence tension,
Yet blame do overcome unchangeable fate over construction of truthful lies.

*************************************************************

Poem X

Motivation is the appreciation of a grateful mind,
Notification from a talent never received so great,
From a foreign acquaintance so kind;
Felicity over contradicting yet occasional greatful fate.

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Poem XI

Vow to protest the abusive corruption over the source of sacrfices,
Yields my protection over the flexible adoption to self
And permenantly characterized mind, valued and non-replaceable;
Provides my recognization to a exceptional and distingishable love,
Non-obsessive and surprising, minute caring yet forever recognized.

Sigh over the belated yet joyful congregation,
Appreciation over appearance by speech communicates the mates with mind
And unpredictable yet reliable source of over-comforting security;
Capable of socializing with an unbelieveable preparation of mistrusts,
Caring overpowers forever depression and conflict lives.

Mirror reflects brighter imperfection,
Unimaginable beauty shown in words,
Do provide my piece of mind,
Contact with the wind she blows,
Protection less needed for this invincible believer.

************************************************************

Poem XII

Love exceeds benevolence with wicked seed contrived by fate,
Such undeserveable and extraordinary care sadden me with unstability;
Nonpurposed approach with asperated confusion fetch me to adopt rejections with devotions.
Warmth filled with fragile sorrow and sudden conformity.
Slow pace is taken, assured by my knowledge
That vigorous effort I required to blast my security
Which no longer necessary over my overpowering emotions,
Yet consistency and uncertainty insist me, contentment so close--
Once again value my contradiction, yet resolution's to be obtained
By the son of imperfection and conflicts; seeing aspiration so high,
Creeps and falls the lover who suffers his own retiring force.
Settlement convinced by my ignorance over incompatible surroundings,
Resolution differs from conformity, yet chances so unexpected
It dies unexpectedly in return, or the unreal is imaginable.
One's pleasure never stimulated with minds alike, such adjacent thoughts
Yet unique, surrounded by one's words and one's attempt to explore;
Untangable with internal tension of conscience, hope, and uncertainty;
Realization of such battle never abondon my world into antipathy.
My world takes tragedy as granded, accepts changes with unbelieveable enlightenment.
Reasuurement ceases my acquirements and destructs my eagerness,
Contrast distinguished over my weak statement and consciences influence;
I cannot once break free from unnecessary security.
Remembrance of my confrontation of imperfection with enjoyment and ignorance,
Unable to uphold, the creator fallen into shamefulness overnight;
The power of influence not yet recognized by the stirrer and the pacifist,
Resolution of the irony comes from recognization through time.

4. Essay, "The Enjoyment of Pessimism" written in 5/28/1998

Any enjoyments that human has are considered art. There are many arts .... religions, taste, paintings, sports, etc. But there are also many arts that are considered evil and humans do enjoy them, like Sex, drugs, violence, racism, discriminations.... Further, there are many people enjoy their beliefs, like.. communism, facism, democracy... some of them are considered evil, others are acceptable. But the scary thing is.. we often enjoyed arts that are evil. Racism and other discriminations has been enjoyed in this country for about 200 years, and this enjoyment are only to the majority of the people.

However, I am currently interested in practicing an art that had been enjoyed since we have sadness... It is the enjoyment of pessimism. It might sounded a little weird.. how could a person enjoy pessimism? To answer that question, first of all.... Should humans really belief in humanity as a whole? No.. Pessimism is not a solution to problems, but it could be an art. Pessimism can be simply the fear of the world or the feelings that a mature man has after he had experienced much.... We can often enjoy pessimism. It gives people something that they would show their compassion and love... It's hard to explain in words.. I had been inspired by Brahms's music, especially his Clarinet quintet's 4th movement and his Sextet no.1's 2nd movement. The feeling is completely pessimistic, and yet it satisfied human hearts. It builds up our compassion and love, and teaches us a lesson. It teaches us that the world is not as hopeful as it seems. Even though we might have a little bit of happiness in our life, it is not forever. To enjoy the pessimistic part of life does not mean to enjoy self-destruction ( In another words, I'm not promoting you to commit suicide )

Just for an example, For those people that had enjoyed listen to Chopin, they enjoyed the beautiful music and the sad life that the composer has. They say that they could hear sadness from a major-keyed song by Chopin, even though if the song is meant to be brilliant and heroic. There is some sadness underneath his songs. It can also be found in many modern literature.. the ending to the stories are often sad and hopeless The purpose of these stories are often not to point out the illness in our society anymore, But it is just.. pure enjoyment to the pessimistic modern life style. Therefore I introduce a new word to the dictionary "Brahmism" Definition to Brahmism: The belief of the rights to enjoy pessimism and the belief that the enjoyment of pessimism is not evil. It is not a religion, it is just a belief. Everyone allows people to enjoy pessimism is a Brahmist.

By the way, this is just some of my personal thoughts. I hate being a human and I hate the term "humanity", and I believe one of the evilest believes is humanity.

5. Essay, "Death of My Dog" written in 5/10/1998

If you really want to know about the death of my dog and me
Please read this.. the whole story i'm telling about the death of my dog.. is true.

I haven't told anyone i know about this
But today i had decided to share this with you all
Because even the social outcasts or people with extreme self-esteem
Would like to share something with somebody sometime.

I have had a dog called Pete, a small cute brown dog..
Relatively to the size, it is a puppy..
But it has difficulties with many basic things,
Walking awkwardly, choking after drinking water.....
It is no sudden sickness, but only the brutal power of age...
My dog was about fifteen, and it is not unusual to have these olderly difficulties.
But the problem was gotten worse and worse everyday.

One day, as i remembered, it was a Sunday
My brother-in-law talked about not let my dog.. .well.. our dog suffer...
But he had brought out an outragous but... maybe.. correct idea...
That was one word that really shocked my mind.

Euthanasia.

The first thing i thought, he was kidding
But he looked really serious about this.
I didn't really oppose to the idea, which i could have.. well...
I didn't oppose to the idea .. because Pete was really suffering..
But.. It is my dog and we are suppose to take care of him and love him!
Then comes the question.. do i love my dog?

I haven't really thought about it .. not until two weeks after.
It was a friday, as i remembered....
I didn't have to work that day after school...
And i just noticed that my brother-in-law had really scheduled my dog's euthanasia
On saturday... which is tomorrow.

There is no tears, but confusion and a strange feeling.
I had always thought of myself as a man with compassion...
I had refered myself as a Romantic.
But now i am confused....

Then I change my thought....
Was it really necessary to kill my dog so it would live a better life
Or to keep him and provide the best we have so that it would live the best life possible?
Was it really justified to kill my dog?.. the one that i'm suppose to love?
The one that i'm willing to give him the best i can give...
You may think that... "but it's only a dog"
However, it is the prettiest creature i have ever seen.. at least in my heart.
I started crying....
Crying because i was depressed by this.. perhaps unjustified killing..
Crying because it might be good for him.. but he doesn't has a choice.
Crying because i was confused.. why don't i stop that
Crying because i don't know why i don't miss him as much as i thought i would
Crying because of the ignorance of self-determination.. yet...
Crying because i can't do anything about it and i don't have the courage to
Crying because i don't know what i should do about this if i have the courage to

Yes, Sammy Lee did cry.... it was a friday night,
When i realized that i'm not the only one that misses my dog
When my sister was semi-crying about this too,
And when i realized that my brother-in-law is not really ruthless..
And he does love his dog.

It happens on a saturday...... the morning was quite calm....
There was sunshine.. and i was driving to work
And getting ready for my 8-hour-saturday-and-sunday-workday
Such an ordinary day....
And that day, when i came home from work
I would notice that i missed one thing.

I am really surprised that i haven't notice anything changed within a month..
I am really surprised now that i didn't really miss my dog that much.
I feel bad.. and really guilty..
I don't know... it feels like it is unjustified to not miss your dog..
And it is now.. that i'm looking at my photo album...
Looking at my dog.. and realized that I really missed him.
My love towards my dog is not through life-style....
.... I feel like our loves is only in my memory....

I missed him maybe it's because i'm one of it's murderer...
If i ever see him again i would hug him like i had always did..
But.. I really didn't miss him like i thought i would.
I missed him because i don't know if it's justified to kill....
I realized that i'm not a man of emotions .. as i told you earlier..
I'm not a Romantic...
I've become a man ..(for many of you... i've become a "child")
That only shows emotions toward justice..
Not emotions of love nor hatred...
But emotions of Justification of truth and reality.

The only hardship i have is that i am an atheist
And i have to face it myself
But I'm proud that i have overcome myself
I'm not ignoring the fact that i have killed my dog ... and it is not justified
But I'm accepting the fact that once it had happened
It must be in my memory forever
So i know that i would prevent the things that i do not justify, not emotions of love
And thus live a better life.

*My dog, Pete, died on Saturday, March 14th, 1998

Please send this to other people if you would, because i want to share this with everyone.

Contact me at [email protected]