Although the two women had seemed to hit it off okay, Lee had been acutely uncomfortable with the entire situation. He wasn't exactly hiding Leslie, but he hadn't intended for her and Amanda to meet. At least not this way.
He felt like he had been caught with his hand in the candy jar, as if he needed to explain himself and the situation. Feeling rather awkward with the situation, he had hurried Amanda out the door as quickly as possible.
Another discussion had ensued in the hallway, becoming more heated the longer it went on. They had argued mostly about the case, but Amanda had also made a comment about Leslie being normal and normal not being his type. Her words, for some reason had pushed his tolerance level through the roof and he had gone on the defensive.
He had dismissed everything she had pointed out as irrelevant and told her to go home. Then he had spent the next couple of hours alternately pretending to enjoy his time with Leslie and holding conversations with Amanda in his head.
He was a healthy, single male, accountable to no one but himself. So why did he suddenly feel as if he were sneaking and cheating?
During the meal he'd been mostly silent, allowing Leslie to control the conversation.
When she had appeared in the black dress, he had been somewhat disappointed by the effect. Something had just been missing from the picture. From that point on, he had found himself responding to her as if on remote, like he was putting on an act.
When the phone rang he had felt a keen sense of relief, followed by remorse, because of it. He hadn’t wasted time trying to figure things out, but had hurriedly left the apartment, glad to have an excuse.
On the way to the Trans-Oceanic Cannery, he had found himself feeling out of sorts. Even though he had been the one to send Amanda home, he silently wished it were her sitting next to him instead of Francine. Everything had gone sour from there.
As they cleared the main parking area, a bomb had exploded. Fortunately, it had misfired somehow and missed them, but it had alerted them to trouble.
Jumping from the car, they had quickly checked around for signs of further trouble. By now, Lee found himself regretting that he had so rudely dismissed Amanda’s suggestion about watching the place.,p> Shortly after they'd cautiously entered the building, Francine had been caught, and Lee had then been forced to surrender his gun. Trying to remain optimistic, he had looked around for a way out, but could find none. At least, not until he had spotted Amanda.
He hadn’t known whether to feel relief that she had disobeyed his orders or guilt that he had issued the orders in the first place. Relief won out.
Defeat had turned to victory as Amanda had single-handedly taken O’Keefe down while Lee and Francine had stood there defenseless.
Francine had been very grateful, even complimenting her shooting. But he was ashamed to own up to his behavior now. He had been rather vocally nasty to her because she hadn’t just shot the guy, instead of aiming for a hook in the ceiling.
She had passed off his comments and tone with a shrug and a vague statement about aiming for the broadside of the building. Looking back, he knew his attitude must have stung. Trouble was, he couldn't figure out why he had done it.
She had handed him Francine’s gun, then calmly checked out Francine’s leg, reassuring herself that it was just a flesh wound, before turning to walk away. “I’ll use the phone in the entrance to call Billy,” she had quietly informed them, not looking either of them in the eye.
Almost out of sight, she had turned, as if just remembering something.
“Oh, there’s another man unconscious outside, over by that pile of
toppled crates, you might want to secure him.” Both her expression and
tone had been unreadable.
Lee knew then that his attitude had more than
just stung, he had unthinkingly driven a wedge between them.
Turning abruptly, she left without any further explanation. After making the call to Billy, she had walked away from the scene, as if she hadn’t even been there.
He found out later that she had returned to the Agency to give them her statement. As he was leaving interrogation after his own debriefing, he had seen her coming from the infirmary corridor. He figured she must have just come from checking in on Francine.
Approaching her, he had then stupidly proceeded to dig his own grave, by giving her hell for not going home when he had told her to, claiming that he and Francine could have handled things just fine without her assistance.
Her face hadn’t exactly been its friendliest before he spoke, but at that point, her expression had turned positively icy.
Without a word, she brushed past him and entered the bullpen, thanking Agent Johnson, who had rushed to hold the door open for her.
Lee knew that his words had been extremely unfair and unwarranted, but excused himself by placing the blame on Agent Sanderson.
After debriefing Lee, Sanderson had inquired as to why Amanda had been on
stakeout alone. When Lee had assured the man that he had no knowledge of
her actions, and had in fact ordered her home, the other agent had pinned
him with a hard glare. “Mrs. King informed us of that in her statement,
but she also informed us that she had suggested the place be watched.
Don't you think you're pushing your loner image a bit too far?
Since
when does an agent dismiss the valid concerns of a partner?”
Evidently Sanderson wasn’t really interested in Lee’s answer, because he had promptly gathered up his files and left the room.
Lee knew that the partner issue was a sensitive one for Sanderson. He had recently lost his partner of four years. He was sure that the other agent was merely venting some of his own frustration, but it had still put Lee on the defensive.
He, in turn, had taken his own feelings of guilt and frustration out on Amanda.
“A bit frosty in paradise?” came the artificially sweet question. Lee hadn’t even seen Francine come up behind him.
Ignoring her comment, his eyes began searching through the glass door for Amanda. “How’s the leg?” he questioned politely, trying to sound like he really cared.
“Oh, peachy-keen.” The tiny smile she gave him made it obvious that she was aware that it was just a courtesy question.
Holding the door open for her, he allowed her to enter the bullpen in
front of him. Scanning the room, he had quickly spotted Amanda at her
desk, shrugging on her jacket as she listened to the man standing beside
her.
He watched as she smiled politely at Agent Johnson, then shook her
head no. A quick look of disappointment had flitted across Johnson’s
face, before he had turned and headed back towards his own cubicle. What
was that all about?
“Nauseating, isn’t it!” Francine’s dry statement sounded from where she was bending down to retrieve her purse from a drawer. Looking down at her, Lee had questioned her with his eyes.
Disgustedly, she’d waved her hand toward Amanda. “They’ve been crawling
out of the woodwork for the last week. 'Can I help you carry that,
Amanda?', 'How about some lunch, Amanda?', 'Why don’t I escort you to
your car, Amanda?'” She mimicked each phrase sarcastically, drawing out
Amanda's name in a manner that showed mild displeasure. “Surely, you
must have noticed it?” she questioned him, and then answered for him.
“Oh, that’s right,”she replied impertinently, raising an eyebrow in
feigned innocence. “ You’ve been a bit busy yourself this week. Tough
luck. . .when the cat’s away, the mice will play!”
“Can it, Francine. What do you mean they’ve been coming out of the woodwork?”
Rolling her eyes at this topic of conversation, Francine had sighed.
“Lee, she’s been hit on by almost a third of the men here. She’s been
turning them down left and right all week!” Pausing for a moment, she
glanced back at Amanda. “Actually, I’ve been feeling kinda sorry for her
. . . of course, that was before Sanderson joined the throng at her feet.
,br>
He’s single, handsome and from old money. I’ve been trying to catch his
eye ever since he transferred in. Amanda didn’t even have to try. It
just doesn’t make sense. What is it with handsome agents and
housewives?” she’d asked sardonically, before shouldering her purse and
turning to leave.
Lee’s eyes had narrowed at the mention of Sanderson. What was going on here? He’d intended to find out, but had only taken one step toward Amanda when Billy’s roar had filled the room. “Scarecrow! My office! Now!”
As he’d headed towards Billy’s office, he saw Amanda heading out the door. She never glanced in his direction. Spotting movement to her left, he had turned in time to see Agent Sanderson approach her. Amanda had shaken her head at whatever he had asked, but at his insistence, had nodded her agreement.
The last image Lee had viewed was the two of them entering the elevator, Sanderson smiling down warmly at Amanda as he spoke. If Billy’s roar hadn’t sounded again at that moment, he probably would have tried to follow the pair.
Entering Billy’s office, he had found that his boss was more than just angry. After reprimanding him sharply for disobeying a direct order to keep an eye on Amanda during Spring Cleaning, Billy had laid into him about not heeding Amanda's instincts, reminding him of the many times those instincts had saved their butts.
He had also reminded him, rather forcefully, of his statement about Amanda getting a bit enthusiastic and of Lee's own complaint that she never stayed where he told her to. Topping it by asking incredulously if Lee had really expected her to obey an order to go home.
Lee had tried to defend himself, but Billy would have none of it. He dismissed Lee’s every argument with one of his own.
When Lee had tried to point out that Amanda hadn’t been in any real
danger at the factory that evening, Billy had thrown her debriefing file
out on the desk.
As he’d flipped through her statement, Lee realized that not only had she
watched as the bomb was being set, but had physically subdued the man who
held the detonator. She could have easily been killed.
Then Billy had tossed another folder in his direction. Lee had reluctantly flipped it open, knowing that whatever was in it he wouldn’t like. He had been right. The folder contained a detailed statement of the abrasions and bruises Amanda had suffered during the scuffle.
After that, Lee had kept his mouth shut, as Billy had continued to berate him for his recent behavior and attitude. He had been told in no uncertain terms that said behavior was no longer acceptable, that from now on he was to show up on time -- ready, eager and able-bodied.
Billy’s tone had left no doubt in Lee’s mind that his boss and friend was not only angry and disappointed with him, but thoroughly disgusted.
Lee found that he wasn’t too thrilled with himself then either. By the time Billy had wound down, Lee was more than willing to admit, at least to himself, that he had really mucked things up.
And then, Billy had dropped his bombshell.
"You've pushed my patience to the wall this time, Scarecrow. Either you
find a way to juggle your personal life so that it doesn't interfere with
Agency business, or I will reassign Amanda to someone else. I don't want
to do that, but I will not have her life placed in jeopardy because you
can't or won't do your job.
Dean Sanderson has requested that Amanda be
assigned to work with him. You have until Monday morning, to figure out
where your priorities lie, or I put my signature of approval on his
request.
Lee had argued that Amanda wouldn’t sit still for that, only to be told, that, to the contrary, she had already agreed to at least consider it.
Hearing that, he felt as if someone had taken an axe to his middle. All he could think of was getting to Amanda and trying to apologize and make her understand.
Now, looking up the trellis towards her window, he only hoped that her reluctance to unnecessarily hurt anyone would keep her from helping him return to the ground, with a well placed shove.
Hell, with his luck, someone would probably see him climbing up the stupid thing and call the police!
***************************************************
Amanda had headed to her bedroom with every intention of keeping her
promise to call Alan. But, glancing at the bedside clock, she realized
that it was not quite morning in Rome and decided against it.
She’d call him when she woke up; he’d understand. Shaking her head,
ruefully, she smiled. He always seemed to understand everything. He had
completely understood and forgiven her for deceiving him, understanding
that she had just been doing her job.
When he had shown up on her doorstep before leaving D.C., she had been
taken completely by surprise, but had felt rather flattered. He had
taken her to a little out of the way restaurant and they had been able to
enjoy a wonderful evening, with no lies between them.
Walking her to her
door, they had shared an absolutely delightful kiss. When he had asked
if it was okay to call her from Rome, she had agreed with pleasure.
His calls had come on a fairly regular basis, every week since then. They hadn't really spoken about furthering their relationship. Rather they had just shared their week with each other and enjoyed the time getting to know one another long-distance. Their quiet conversations had been nice and uncomplicated and friendly.
She could really use a friend right now. Reaching for the receiver, she quickly dialed the overseas operator, before she could change her mind.
A moment later, she was replacing it. The lines were down, somewhere, and calls to Italy weren’t getting through. Oh, well.
Moving over to the dressing table, she pulled the combs out of her hair and picked up her brush. Slowly she began to brush it out. Life seemed to be getting more and more complicated lately.
She was beginning to wonder if she had what it took to be an agent. Try as she might, she couldn’t keep herself from becoming involved. Lee had warned her over and over, not to allow herself to become attached to people, and yet she could never seem to stop herself.
It was just something she did automatically, a part of who she was. If
someone was in trouble, she wanted to help them.
This past two days, she
had seen a man blown to pieces and an innocent young mother framed for
it. Her heart had gone out to Elizabeth and her family. At least now,
they could put the pieces of their lives back together.,
Amanda wasn’t sure the pieces would fall so neatly into place for
herself. Her job this week had been made almost impossible.
Everywhere
she went, she seemed to run into someone who just happened to have
tickets for some play or the other, or was just heading out of the
building at the same time she was. It was really strange.
Some of these same men had behaved similarly when she had first started at the Agency. Eventually, they had fallen into treating her like any other co-worker, but now they were back to hovering.
It seemed like there was someone constantly in her way, wanting to know if she wanted help carrying things, or an escort to her car. The compliments were flying so thick, she felt like she was drowning in them. Every time she looked up from her work, some male agent was standing there smiling down at her wanting to chat. It made it really hard to get her work done.
On top of that, Lee had been acting strange all week, too. It wasn’t until yesterday, that he had finally admitted that he had a new girlfriend, which explained a lot. Meeting Leslie earlier had been awkward to say the least, mostly due to Lee’s behavior.
This girl wasn't like Lee’s other girlfriends. She was nice and
courteous and. . .normal. A flash of jealousy had taken Amanda somewhat
by surprise and she had quickly squashed it down. Then, she had squashed
it down again and given it a good stomp, in an effort to keep it down.
She and Lee were just friends and she had no right to be jealous.
Lee had rushed her out the door so fast it almost made her head spin. His attitude made it clear that she wasn't welcome, not at his apartment, nor on the rest of the assignment.
He always seemed to be comparing her with other people and finding her wanting. It just wasn’t fair. He rarely seemed to acknowledge the fact that she had saved his life almost as many times as he had saved hers.
It had taken her most of the drive to the Trans-Oceanic Cannery to get her ragged emotions under control.
She just couldn’t figure him out. One minute he was being warm and attentive and the next he was giving her a spiel about it just being part of the job and how it didn't really mean anything.
It was driving her nuts! “I swear, the next time he starts in with that stupid line about how 'it's just the job, right?', I’m going to answer with ‘not exactly’, just to watch him squirm,” she muttered to herself, as she set her brush down.
And she knew there would be a next time. Oh Billy had mentioned the possibility of switching partners, and as angry as she was at the time she had told him she’d consider it. But, she knew deep down inside that she would take a desk job rather than work with anyone other than Lee.
His attitude earlier this evening had really hurt her feelings, though. He knew that she didn’t like guns and that she would go out of her way to avoid shooting a person. Yet he had been so sarcastic about it.
She had known before she even took the shot, that she had a better chance of hitting the hook than of actually shooting O’Keefe.
Leatherneck had gone over the basics with her and watched her practice
repeatedly on bullseye targets, before moving her to the shooting range.
He had been impressed by the accuracy of her aim and the steadiness of
her hand, although he had commented that she really should try to keep
her eyes open. She, in turn, had replied that it wasn’t like the
bullseye was going to get up and walk away.
After her experience in the gallery, she knew freezing up at the wrong moment could get her killed. So she had aimed for the inanimate, knowing she would be able to pull the trigger if a life wasn’t involved.
She had suspected at times that Lee didn’t consider her 'agent material' but rather somewhat of a nuisance. Having him confirm that tonight, after all they'd been through together, had devastated her.
She knew she would eventually work through her anger, and most likely, Lee would eventually feel guilty for speaking his thoughts out loud. If nothing else, he valued her friendship enough for that.
She wouldn't have been surprised if that was what he had wanted earlier, on the phone. At the time, she hadn't been in the mood to listen to anything he had to say, whether it be more complaints or an apology.
She was sure that things would look somewhat different in the morning and then maybe she would be ready to listen to whatever he had to say. She also knew that she valued his friendship enough to forgive him, eventually. . .but not tonight.
Flipping off the light, she removed her robe and slid beneath the sheets with a sigh of pure enjoyment.
She had just closed her eyes, snuggling down underneath the comforter, when she heard a strange scuffling noise. Sitting up, she looked around, trying to place the sound -- it was vaguely familiar.
Suddenly, she realized what she was hearing and sat up with a snap. Shaking her head in disbelief, she didn't fight the small twinge of irritation that filled her. Sliding out of bed, she marched over to her window and yanked it the rest of the way open.
“Joshua Trawley, if you don’t get down from there and go home, I’m going
to call your mother!” She was speaking the words before she even leaned
out the window.
Only the form just below the sill wasn’t that of the
twelve year old boy, who had been caught several times trying to climb
the trellis to get on the roof.
It was the form of a grown man, who was
now looking up at her with a startled expression on his face, as he
floundered trying to keep from falling.
Amanda automatically reached down to grab hold of his wrists, hanging on tightly as he grappled for his footing. “What in the sam-hill do you think you're doing?" she whispered fiercely.
"Oh, just thought I'd come over and hang around for a while." His exasperated mutter sent a small smile skittering across Amanda's face, but she quickly contained it before he could see it.
Lee was looking
downward, trying to find his foothold. It looked like several of the
slats were missing or broken.
"Oh, well then, have fun!" she informed him pertly, with every intention
of just closing her window and leaving him hang there.
Feeling her grip on his arms loosen, Lee looked up, alarmed, "Amanda, don't let go just yet!"
With a sigh, she re-tightened her grip and leaned a bit further out the
window. "Over to your left a little more. One of the neighbor boys
broke several slats yesterday trying to get on the roof.
Looks like I
can add another one to the total." Sighing, she just shook her head.
"At this rate I'm not going to have any trellis left," she grumbled.
Following her instructions, he finally found an unbroken slat. Breathing a sigh of relief he pulled himself the rest of the way up. Amanda moved back inside, but not away from the window, squatting down so her face was level with Lee's as he reached the sill.
She pinned him with a stern look, "Seriously, Lee, what are you doing here? I told you earlier that I didn't want to talk to you tonight."
"And I told you," Lee gave her his best 'I'm in charge' look, "that we needed to talk.",
She almost smiled again at his authoritative expression. The effect would have been so much better, if not for the fact that he was the one hanging from the windowsill.
"Lee, you can't always have what you want," she informed him softly, yet completely serious.
"Tell me about it!" he sighed. "Look, this is important. Can you help me in?"
"I don't think so," she held her ground. "Lee, we can talk in the morning, okay? I promise. I'll listen to whatever you have to say then," she assured him, knowing that after this stunt, she was already halfway to forgiving him. She never could hold a grudge worth spit.
"Aman-da!" he pleaded quietly, "I came over to apologize."
"Go ahead, but better make it quick, before someone sees you hanging
there," she told him.
Lee could tell by her expression that she wasn't going to budge from her position. He was just going to have to resign himself to trying to make amends from where he was. From her choice of words, he knew that she wasn't going to make it easy.
He searched her face, looking for some sign of softening. She was squatting beside her window, her face tilted upwards, almost, but not quite, level with his. The moonlight was shining in, casting a luminescent glow to her features.
She was keeping her expression neutral, which gave him a little bit of hope. At least it wasn't frozen over, like earlier, and her eyes were softly questioning. She wasn't going to make this easy, but at least it didn't look entirely impossible.
Readjusting his balance a bit, he glanced down at her hand where it rested on the windowsill. In the moonlight, her skin appeared milky white.
As he raised his eyes to begin his apology, he noticed the
bruises marring her forearm. Seeing them was worse than reading about
them. For some reason, he had always taken it personally when she ended
up getting hurt. The magnitude of the apology he owed her, was sinking
in with a vengeance.
*************************************
Needing no second invitation, Lee climbed in as quickly and quietly as he
could. Once he was in they both moved to look out the window, to assure
themselves that he hadn't been spotted. They stood there, side by side.
Lee bending to look out the window, while Amanda peeked around his
shoulder.
The couple below was still there, chatting and laughing together, not
having noticed anything out of the ordinary.
Relieved, Lee straightened up, causing Amanda to drop her hand from his
shoulder and step back a couple spaces. Turning, he smiled down into her
eyes. "They didn't see anything, so you won't have to explain . . .
anything . . . to . . . your . . . mother." As he spoke, his eyes had
unwittingly glanced downward, causing his speech to become somewhat
stilted as he once again became aware of her attire.
Glancing up, he took in the room, completely shadowed, except for the
moonlight shining through the window and a glimmer of light coming from
under the door. He glanced back at Amanda, feeling somewhat unsettled by
the intimacy of the scene. Climbing up the trellis to speak with her had orginally seemed like such a good idea.
Seeing his glance flicker downward, Amanda became aware that she was only
wearing the silk nightgown. Crossing her arms over herself, she stepped
backwards, further into the shadows.
"Stay there," she told him in a whisper, turning to quickly collect her
robe from the end of the bed, and shrug into it.
Lee did as he was told, turning to glance out the window, but not before
he caught a flash of her from the back.
Pulling the robe around her, Amanda pulled up the lapels and held them
together with one hand, at the same time folding the lower portion shut
and securing it by pressing her arm against her waist. Taking a deep
breath, she turned and again faced the man standing in the middle of her
bedroom.
"I think it will be safer to leave the lights off," she told him, keeping
her voice as quiet as possible. "Mother will be heading to bed shortly,
and if she sees a light under my door, she'll be in here to find out if I
called Al . . . to find out if I made a call I promised to make."
Ah, yes, he thought, the call to Chamberlain, he'd forgotten about that.
"And did you? . . .make the call you promised?" Lee questioned, unable to
stem his curiosity.
"Yes, and no," came her reply. Amanda sat down gingerly on the corner of
the bed, pulling her feet back to the side and hooking one foot behind
her ankle. "I mean, I did try to make the call, but the lines were down
and it didn't go through," she explained. "I'll try again, sometime
tomorrow."
Looking back, Lee knew that it was the Chamberlain case that had put him
where he was now. In fact, it was being in her bedroom with her like
this then, that started the entire situation. He had come to talk with
her about the case, and as they were talking, he had suddenly become
aware of where they were and what she was wearing. white-hot flash of
desire had shot through him, causing him to become acutely uncomfortable
with the situation. It hadn't helped matters, that Amanda had caught him
staring at her and become uncomfortable herself. They had quickly ended
their discussion. He had thought the matter behind him as he climbed
down the trellis. That was until she had started appearing in his dreams
on a regular basis.
Amanda was a very attractive woman. He had been aware of her as such,
but she was also a mother and his best friend. In his book, you didn't
mess around with someone's mother and you didn't have fantasies about
your best friends. Up until that evening he had been able to control the
little odd flashes of desire that would sneak up on him when he was in
her presence or when he touched her. After that evening, it had become
almost impossible.
He had tried to convince himself that it was just because he had been
alone too long. Meeting Leslie shortly thereafter had seemed to be the
answer to his problem. But even remedying his personal situation hadn't
worked. anda still crept into his thoughts constantly and at the most
inconvenient times, like earlier tonight. Had he actually called out
Amanda's name when he heard Leslie come up behind him? He was use to
shuffling girls around and never once had he made such an embarrassing
mistake.
Leslie had graciously made some comment about how lucky he was to have
Amanda, and it had hit him at that moment that he was indeed fortunate to
have her in his life. He remembered agreeing that she was indeed very
special. And he did consider her special, although he went to great
lengths to keep others from realizing how very special she was to him.
Reaching toward her, he lay a hand on her knee, closing his eyes
momentarily at the sensations the contact evoked. "Amanda," he paused,
once again searching for the right words, before finally giving up.
"Look, Amanda, I'm not very good at this sort of thing."
She just looked down at him, not giving him any help. "So I noticed."
He sighed, regretfully. Usually, at this point in his apologies, she
rushed in to help him through and reassure him of her acceptance. Only,
obviously, this time she wasn't going to do that. He was on his own.
"Amanda," reaching over, he pulled her hand loose from her waist and
tugged it gently toward himself so he could enclose it in both of his.
"Look, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, for the way I've been
behaving. I've been acting like a real, class-act jerk and you have
every right to be angry with me.
"I wish I could explain why I've been acting like I have. Saying all the
wrong things, doing the wrong things. But I'm not sure I even know why.
I just know that I am really, really very sorry. I hope you can find it
in your heart to forgive me." e tried to let all the regret he felt
shine in his eyes, unsure whether or not she could even read his
expression in the dark. The moon was to his back, and while he could see
her face, he wasn't sure how much of his she could see.
Amanda just sat there for the longest time, trying to search his eyes for
the truth, but it was difficult in the dark and she wasn't about to turn
on the light. he wanted to believe him, she wanted to forgive him and
move past this night, but she also didn't want to set herself up for
further abuse.
"Amanda, please," Lee pleaded, becoming somewhat scared when she remained
silent. "I really am sorry. I know I really mucked things up, and that
I hurt your feelings. I know I was wrong for not listening when you
suggested having the cannery watched. I know it's my fault that you were
hurt . . . "
"Why?" she questioned quietly, "you're doing so well on your own." She
couldn't keep the trace of amusement out of her voice, no matter how hard
she tried. He had sounded just like one of the boys right then.
Picking up on the slightly teasing tone, Lee allowed himself to feel a
tinge of relief. She was going to forgive him. "Amanda, I really am
sorry. Please say you'll forgive me."
Amanda found herself surrendering without much of a fight. She wanted to
forgive him. She wanted to get back to the way things had been before
all this happened.
"Lee, I want to forgive you," she admitted. "But I'm afraid if I do,
that you'll think you can continue treating me however you want, feeling
that I'll just take whatever you dish out and forgive you when your
conscience starts to bother you. I can't live with that." Her voice had
taken on a semi-hard edge as she uttered the last few words. "I won't
live like that. I don't know what's been bothering you this past week,
but I am not your verbal punching bag and I won't allow you to continue
to take your frustrations out on me. I would rather quit working with
you, than be treated as if I am so totally unimportant, that my feelings
and thoughts don't matter."
Her words almost broke Lee. Had he really treated her like that, made
her feel as if she were unimportant in the scheme of things? He closed
his eyes in abject misery. He deserved to be horse whipped.
Rising to his feet, he reached down and pulled her up to stand in front
of him, holding her in place by gently clasping her upper arms. "Oh,
Amanda," he groaned. All the regret and sorrow he was feeling echoed in
his words. "I never meant to make you feel that way. I am so incredibly
sorry."
Pulling her toward him, he enfolded her in his arms, whether to comfort
himself or her, he didn't know. He only knew that somehow he had to make
amends. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for being so
stupid. I didn't even thank you for saving my life tonight. You can't
know how awful that makes me feel."
Amanda slid her arms around his waist and rested her head on his
shoulder, returning his embrace. For a moment they just stood there
drawing comfort and strength from each other.
Finally, Amanda pulled back, allowing a bit of space between them. She
had heard the sincerity and remorse in his words, and had felt it in the
strength of his embrace.
Sighing softly and shaking her head, Amanda looked up to catch his eyes.
"Lee, I accept your apology," she spoke the words quietly, sincerely.
"And I forgive you. But I meant what I said, we can't keep going the way
we have. I don't know what's happening in your life right now, and I'm
not sure that I want to. I only know that I need the person I'm working
with, the person in whose hands I place my LIFE, to respect me. To value
my contribution to whatever case we're involved in, rather than treating
me like I'm totally ignorant." Giving a tiny shrug, Amanda looked at the
floor, slightly embarrassed by what she had said.
Reaching out, Lee nudged her chin up so he could see her face. "Amanda,"
he began tenderly, "I do respect you, and even though I don't always show
it, I value your instincts both on the job and as a friend. I really am
sorry that I hurt you; I never wanted to do that. I didn't mean the
things I said, I was taking my frustrations out on you, and that's
inexcusable. I promise it won't happen again.
Amanda returned his smile with a tiny one of her own, giving him as much
of a nod as she could with his fingers still beneath her chin.
"Forgive me?" Lee asked once again.
Giving another tiny nod, and smiling warmly up at him, Amanda gave him
the words he wanted to hear. "Yeah, I forgive you."
"You're sure?" Lee pressed, needing there to be no doubt on this issue.
Reaching up to remove his hand from under her chin, Amanda clasped it in
both of hers. "I'm sure." She gave his hand a little squeeze for
emphasis. "I'm very, very sure, okay?"
Lee finally allowed the relief to flood through him, and just grinned
down at her like a silly schoolboy.
For a moment, Amanda returned his grin, enjoying the expression on his
face. Then it dawned on her that she was still holding his hand, dressed
in her nightgown in the middle of her darkened bedroom. Letting go of
him, she placed a bit more distance between them, bringing up her hand to
once again hold the top portion of the robe closed over the gown.
Lee became aware of the situation the moment she released his hand, his
glance flickering downward to take in her form, before moving back up to
catch her eyes.
The look they shared, was one of awareness mingled with embarrassment.
"Uh . . . I'd better get going."
"You should probably be going."
They both spoke at the same time. Lee turned to move toward the window,
with Amanda behind him.
"Check to make sure there are no neighbors out there," she reminded him
in a whisper.
Looking down, he flashed a grin over his shoulder. "All clear."
He already had one foot out the window when he looked up to seek out her
eyes. "Amanda?" he questioned, curiously. "Do you remember the
Chamberlain case?"
Amanda hesitated a moment, wondering why he should bring up this
particular case on this particular night. "Yeah," she answered slowly,
"I remember that case."
"What exactly was it about the guy that attracted you to him?" he
questioned, trying to sound rather offhand, as if the answer was of only
passing importance.
For a moment, Amanda considered denying any attraction to Alan, but knew
that she wouldn't be able to pull it off, especially since Lee had seen
the kiss she and Alan shared.
"I'm not sure," she finally said, trying to put her finger on the answer.
"I think it was because he made me feel special . . . desirable. Not
knowing about my life when we first met, he treated me as a woman, not as
a housewife or Philip and Jamie's mother . . . if that makes any sense."
She didn't even notice Lee's nod of understanding.
"He meant it when he said I was someone he wanted to spend time with and
get to know. When we talk, I feel like my feelings and thoughts are
important to him . . . oh, I don't know . . . yes, I do . . . He not only
finds me desirable, he likes who and what I am. He doesn't want to
change me into something or someone else. He just wants to enjoy being
with me . . . and that feels kinda nice." She gave a little
self-conscious shrug as she finished.
Lee had noticed her unconscious switch from past tense to present tense,
but felt it was safer not to comment on it. He looked up at her briefly,
before sliding his other leg out the window. "I thought it must be
something like that," he said, more to himself than to Amanda.
*******************************************************
Driving home, Lee felt at peace with the world. Amanda had forgiven him.
Somehow that thought just seemed to keep running over and over in his
mind. She had forgiven him. He had been prepared to do what ever was
necessary and spend however long it took to reach her. She could have
made it a lot harder on him than she had and he wouldn't have blamed her
a bit. Billy was right, he had let his priorities get turned around.
Tonight, he had finally been able to put the pieces of a puzzle together.
He had found the answer to something he had been trying to figure out
for almost two months now. Everything finally made sense to him and he
felt free for the first time in a long time. He also felt like a fool
for not realizing the truth sooner.
Lee wasn't very good at figuring out the emotional angle of things, he
never had been. He was a take action type of guy. Throughout the past
couple of years, it had been Amanda who had helped him walk through the
psychological tangles of his life. She had a way of getting straight to
the heart of the matter, and he had come to rely on her unerring
intuition when it came to that part of his life. He had sought her out
many times in the past for solutions for things that had been bothering
him. But how do you seek advice from the very one who is causing the
emotional jumble to begin with?
With this one, he had been on his own and as usual he had managed to get
everything in even more of a jumble. He had made matters worse by adding
one complication on top of another, hoping for a quick fix. Problem was,
there wasn't a quick fix this time. One way or another he was going to
have to sort out his feelings for Amanda, or he was going to end up
destroying their friendship and he didn't even want to imagine what his
life would be like without her.
He remembered telling Billy once that he could adapt to anything. The
statement had been in reference to Amanda then, and he found that it was
just as true now. Until he could sort things out properly, he was just
going to have to adapt to having her invade his thoughts and his dreams.
He was just going to have to cope with the constantly growing flashes of
awareness and desire when he was around her. For right now, he was just
grateful that he had been able to talk things through somewhat with her,
and that there was no longer a wall of his own making between them.
He was going to send flowers to her neighbors tomorrow, anonymously of
course. If it hadn't been for them, things might not have worked out
quite so nicely. Oh, he knew that he still had some work to do to
completely right things, but for now he was feeling like he could handle
any hurdle that came his way. All because Amanda had forgiven him. He
felt like calling Sanderson right now and giving him the news that Amanda
would not be joining him as his partner on Monday. As for the other
agents swarming around, he had plans to start staring them down tomorrow.
He’d be working overtime, but somehow, he’d get things back on track.
As he swung his car into its usual parking spot, he casually glanced up
at his apartment and noticed that the lights were on. Closing his eyes
in dismay, he groaned out loud. He had completely forgotten about
Leslie! He had told her that she could suit herself on whether she
waited for him or not. Right this minute, he was strongly hoping that
she had merely failed to turn off the lights on her way out. The last
thing he wanted to do was face her right now. How do you tell someone
that you had only picked them out of a crowd because they reminded you of
someone else, and that you slept with them because sleeping with the
person you really wanted was out of the question. "Face it Stetson," he
told himself. "You've been a jerk all the way around on this one!" He
knew that he owed her an apology, an explanation of some kind. He also
knew that while he had enjoyed her company immensely, he wouldn't be
seeking her out again.
This time he was going to deal with his emotions and feelings honestly,
not cover them up by throwing a relationship over them. Billy had been
right when he had said that Lee needed to get his priorities straight.
He had also given Lee a stern lecture about the differences between love
and lust. The gist of which was that love made you a better person,
while lust tended to dissipate a person, causing them to eventually
become someone they wouldn't be able to face in the mirror.
Lee had been on that very road three years ago, when he had met Amanda.
She had slowly pulled him from that lifestyle, not because she harped
about what it was doing to him, but just by believing in him and being a
friend. Now he felt as if he had betrayed her friendship by allowing his
confusion to throw him back into that lifestyle. In his mind he could
hear the taunts and teasing remarks of his co-workers, only this time he
heard the disappointment and disgust in their voices, rather than envy
and approval.
What to do about Leslie? That was the question of the hour now. He
hadn't made her any promises, but his dealings with 'nice' women were
severely lacking. Other than Amanda, most of the women in his life knew
the score and were using him as much as he had been using them. There
was never any recriminations or real hurt feelings when it was time to
move on. Oh, a few of them had stormed out in a huff when confronted
with another of his women, but he knew it had been mostly their egos that
had taken the beating, not their hearts.
With Leslie, he wasn't sure how much of her heart was involved. Neither
one of them had spoken of love or commitment. They had met the last time
she was in Washington D.C. and had dated several times. Lee had been
drawn to her, he realized now, because of her resemblance to Amanda, not
only in looks, but in personality. They had moved into a physical
relationship just this past week.
Looking back, Lee remembered how surprised he had been to find himself in
bed with her. It had just happened. Because she had managed to help
him ease the frustrations of his body, he had been willing to fool
himself into thinking it was more than just casual sex. Thing was, for
him, that's all it really was. But, what if it had meant more to Leslie?
Maybe he could just ease out of the relationship, cancel a date here and
there, not be available, tell her he had to work nights. Yeah, that
would work! He grinned with satisfaction as he headed into the building,
pleased with himself for coming up with such a great solution to the
problem. By the time he had walked through the lobby and entered the
elevator, he was almost bursting with self-satisfaction. This way, he
could let her down easily and hopefully her heart wouldn't be broken too
much.
As he turned the key in his door, he held his breath, wondering what he'd
find on the other side. He had his excuse of being really tired tonight
and having to be up extra early in the morning all ready. He was
prepared for her disappointment when he told her that he wouldn't be able
to make it to the embassy party tomorrow night because he had to work.
It was a lie, but he had to start somewhere, might as well make it sooner
than later.
Opening the door, he entered his apartment. Everything was quiet. Maybe
she had just forgotten to turn off the lights after all. Quickly hanging
up his jacket, he turned and started towards the bedroom, only then
spotting her asleep on the couch. She had changed out of the little
black dress and back into the clothes she had originally worn, and had
pinned her hair back up into a french twist. She looked so young and
defenseless lying there, that Lee felt a twinge of remorse for the pain
he was going to cause her.
Walking up to the couch, he reached down and gently shook her arm.
"Leslie, wake up, it's Lee." He moved back a couple of steps as she
started to stir, pushing herself into a sitting position.
"Lee?" she questioned softly, "I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep."
She smiled up at him self-consciously.
"That's okay," he assured her gently, "but you didn't have to wait. You
should have gone on back to your hotel room."
"No," she shook her head as if shaking off the sleep and yawned a bit.
"I wanted to stay. I think we need to talk, Lee." Her voice was soft
and easy-going, yet serious.
Lee just looked at her, unsure of where she was going with that
statement. "Okay," he agreed hesitantly, "What do you want to talk
about?"
Stifling a tiny yawn, Leslie patted the sofa cushion beside her. "Why
don't you sit down?" she suggested. "It's easier to talk that way."
Lee cautiously moved toward the sofa, feeling very uneasy about this
situation. He was sure he knew where she was headed and was frantically
trying to find the words to let her down gently. He settled himself on
the couch, but put an entire cushion between them, unwilling at the
moment to give her false hope. "Okay, shoot," he said trying to look as
if he were giving her his undivided attention, while at the same time
racing ahead in his mind for suitable replies to anything she might say.
Leslie looked at him, allowing her eyes to roam over his face and down
his body. Lee was feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. "Lee," she
began softly, and then paused to draw in a deep breath, as if needing
courage. "I think we might have made a terrible mistake," she finally
told him.
Lee heard the words, but was unsure of their meaning. "A mistake?" he
questioned more abruptly than he meant to.
"I think it was a mistake for us to get so involved," she answered him.
"I don't think either one of us thought things through very well, and I .
. . well, I think we should stop seeing each other."
Lee felt like she had physically slapped him. "What do you mean, we
should stop seeing each other?" he questioned rather loudly, forgetting
for a moment that this was exactly what he had been wanting earlier.
"Lee, I'm really sorry," Leslie told him sincerely and with remorse.
"You are a really great guy and I've really enjoyed our time together.
But it's just not working. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this
tonight. I'm sorry. I really am. But I just don't think I want a
relationship like this one. There are just too many obstacles in the
way. There's the distance and our jobs, not to mention the other people
in our lives. When I'm here, I feel like you're hiding me away from your
friends and when I'm in New York, I feel like I have to keep your
existence hidden from my friends. That's no way to have a relationship."
Picking up on her last comment, Lee felt a little flash of outrage go
through him. "What do you mean you have to keep my existence from your
friends. Why can't they know about me?" he allowed his outrage to come
through in his voice. This was unbelievable.
"Lee." Leslie reached out to place a hand on his arm, trying to get his
attention and soothe at the same time. "Look, it's just not working,
okay?" she informed him, trying to let him down gently.
"Besides," she added, "I think if you were to be honest with yourself,
you would have to admit that your heart isn't really in this relationship
either." She dropped that little comment casually in with the others.
Lee only picked up on the last word. "It isn't?" he pinned her with a
curious look, still not believing this conversation. He was suppose to
be dumping her not the other way around.
Sighing gently, Leslie just looked at him shaking her head. "Lee, anyone
with eyes in their head can see the chemistry between you and your
secretary – if she is your secretary. You weren't even at the dinner
table with me tonight; you were with her in your mind. I saw the look in
your eyes when you admitted that she was someone very special. I think
you owe it to yourself and to her to at least explore that avenue." Her
tone was calm and sweet and sincere.
"I'm sorry," Lee apologized, not really sure whether he was apologizing
for speaking Amanda's name in his sleep, or for what Leslie had seen
between them this afternoon.
Leslie smiled up at him with rueful amusement. "Don't be sorry," she
reassured him. "Tonight, I realized that some relationships are meant to
be and others aren't. Am I correct in assuming that you are interested
in a closer relationship with Amanda?"
Unable to voice the words, Lee just nodded sheepishly.
"I take it she either turned you down, or you haven't told her yet."
Lee just shrugged his shoulders, dragging a hand through his hair and
looking around his apartment as if seeking the answer. Finally, throwing
caution to the wind, he spoke to the room in general. "I don't quite
know what I feel for Amanda," he finally admitted. "Oh, I'm definitely
attracted to her, but how do you go up to your best friend and say 'hey
how about going to bed with me' without completely blowing the
friendship? She has too much class for just a casual fling." It was
only as the words were out that he realized what he had said. His eyes
met Leslie's, embarrassed by what he had unwittingly inferred. "I didn't
mean. . ." He tried, but couldn't get the words out.
Leslie took the verbal blow, absorbing it by closing her eyes for a
moment. "I know you didn't mean it that way," she finally said quietly,
but the words still hung between them, causing them to both feel awkward.
Finally, Leslie moved closer and placed a hand on Lee's arm. Giving him
a tiny smile she gazed up into his eyes. "Lee, what we've shared has
been really nice, but I think we both know that we've been shortchanging
ourselves. I'm not Amanda and it's unfair to ask me to compete with her
when she is so firmly entrenched in your heart. Likewise, you're not
Ashley Donavon and it's unfair to you for me to pretend otherwise."
Lee's confusion at her words showed clearly on his face, causing a small
rueful laugh to escape Leslie's lips. "Ashley is my Amanda," she tried
to clarify for him. "I realized as I sat here tonight that getting
involved with you was only a way to keep from having to sort out my
feelings for Ashley. He works with me in New York and has to be the most
frustrating, aggravating, wonderfully endearing man in the world. I
think what I feel for Ashley must be somewhat akin to how you feel about
Amanda. To me, he is a very special man and I think I would be doing
myself a disservice if I don't at least try to find out whether or not he
has any feelings for me. He's going to be at the embassy party tomorrow
night. He called me this afternoon to let me know. That's why I didn't
want to stay in my hotel room today – if I had stayed there then I would
have spent the entire time wondering about things."
Reaching up to give Lee a quick peck on his cheek, she moved away from
him. "I hope you'll understand if I break our date for tomorrow night.
Somehow, I don't think showing up with you on my arm would exactly endear
me to Ashley. I'm sorry, Lee. I never meant to hurt you – although
somehow I don't think I've wounded much more than your pride. I don't
think your heart ever belonged to me. It's my guess that your Amanda
holds that part of your anatomy completely and securely." She had
reached the door by this time but turned back to Lee, her hand on the
doorknob. "If you're smart Lee, you'll go ahead and take a chance on
her. From what I saw today, I'm fairly sure she returns your feelings –
there's just something in her eyes."
Lee's own eyes lit up at those last words. "In her eyes?" he questioned
softly.
Leslie just gave a little laugh, noting the hope in his voice. "You
really do have it bad. My suggestion is that you go ahead and take a
chance on your Amanda," she informed him before letting herself out.
Lee just stood there in the middle of the room, with a pleased look on
his face. "My Amanda," he repeated the words softly, liking the sound of
them. With a grin, he tossed his keys in the air and then caught them
one handed, heading toward his bedroom, for once looking forward to his
dreams.
The End (At least until the next day!!)
He allowed one hand to slide gently to her forearm
caressing the bruised area lightly. "You could at least give me a little
help here," he grumbled, almost to himself, when she continued to remain
silent.
I also promise that I
will do a much better job of being there for you and of letting you know
how valuable your input is, okay?" He smiled hopefully down into her
eyes as he made this promise.