something," I look at Neil after he finished telling me about the moment he realised who he was.
"What, Bernard?" he looks at me with such kind eyes; I feel I can confide to him anything.
"This happened when I was a young boy," I start.
"Bernard, if the incident hurts too much, you don't have to tell me now," Neil gently coaxes me.
"No, I don't care. I really want to tell you this," I tell him.
"Tell me about it," he assuringly replies.
"I was about 10 or 11 when this happened. I was friends with a boy my age. I don't even remember his
name now. We were good friends at the time, doing fun things together and such. Even though we
were of the same age, I admired him like an older brother. Neil, you know I'm an only child, right?" I
ask him.
"Of course, darling," he smiles.
"I've always had a penchant for older brother figures, haven't I?" I thought to myself.
"Well, I woke up one morning, realising that I was in love with him. Neil, please don't get jealous. This
happened years ago when I was much younger," I tell him.
"I understand," he chuckled.
"That morning was such a startling one. Even more dramatic to me was, the lad was straight, Neil. We
were just friends and...I don't know what happened to me at the time. He, being a straight boy,
probably didn't expect me falling in love with him. He actually came from a religious family, so he
thought homosexuality was a sin."
"Did you tell him about your feelings?" Neil asks me.
"I did, actually," I reply.
"What was his reaction?" Neil still remained calm and gentle, as usual.
"He told me, 'Fuck it! I can't be friends with you now because you're a fucking queer and on top of
that, you're in love with me!? I should have bloody well knew you were queer....' Trying not to burst
into tears, I ask him, 'Do you really think homosexuality is a sin?' and he replied, 'Of course! I'm never
going to talk to you again, Bernard! You're a sinner, you know?'
Unconsciously, tears start to well up in my eyes. Neil sets his hand on my shoulder. I wipe up some of
my tears and I confide into Neil even more.
"I ran home that day, breathless and crying. I just locked myself in my room and started crying
uncontrollably. To have that said to you when you're 10 or 11...it was devastating."
"Bernard, shh...it's all right...." Neil gently and softly comforted me.
He wipes my tears up, holding me against him. I'm still overwhelmed by the memories of it. His warm
body wrapped me up in a state of comfort.
His warmth started to soothe me a little bit.
"Bernard, it's OK. The boy doesn't exist in your life anymore," he rubs my shoulders to help relax me
and comfort me.
"I know gay-bashing is painful, honey and you know we've been through so much of it," he continues,
his soft voice soothing me.
"Thank you for listening, Neil," I tell him, kissing him on the cheek.
He strokes my hair again, just as he always loves to do.
I feel tranquilized again and I feel that my past experience has been numbed again because of Neil's
love, warmth and affection.
We both fall asleep that night in each other's arms.
I, felt soothed and calmed, because he was with me.
I don't think I can live without him; I love him so much.