| ...february eighteenth, two-thousand four... "...heroine is so passe..." Oh man. I sure am a junkie. This week... it's Starbucks tea; oh glorious gloriousness. It's cheaper than Tim Horton's tea at the low low price of one dollar... and has the added bonus of lemon slices and natural sugar... plus, each one you buy goes towards the "buy ten beverages get one free" card on campus. Which means: ten cheap teas equals one free expensive coffee of your choice! Only one little thing that has excited me in these past couple days... *laughs* It's been an eventful, and yet not so eventful couple days. Yes, this may seem paradoxial, however, I would be the only one who would find it to filling. My checked out books from the library has skyrocketed to a whopping sixteen... and so, hopefully much work will be accomplished over reading week. I've actually spent a surprising amount of time in Weldon over the past couple days and the dreary bleakness of the building hasn't seemed to bother me. Yesterday, between my crazy amounts of class, I figured out my life. I just feel like such a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I took in my Intent to Register form today and activated my Summer Intent. Oh man, I'm so excited. *smiles happily* I now have all my courses for the rest of my undergraduate career chosen and ready. I feel so... grown up. One more class until I am finished for the week. Tomorrow afternoon I'm gone... Ang and I are Toronto bound... a couple days there and then Saturday we're returning once again to that little plastic-glass encased box. The sweat, the swearing, the tearing off of jerseys, the fighting of the good fight, the air thick of testosterone, the rush to the end of the rink, the lucky shot, the orgasmic noises and squeals that escape us... I've missed hockey so much. That might be the thing exciting me most about going home for this week... a good dose of Ang and Rhonda and a large portion of hockey, drinking and my boys... ah my charismatic and gallant country boys; the opening of doors, the buying of drinks, making sure I arrive home in good time untouched... ah boys I love you! Then comes a week of nothing. A week of being at home, breakfasts with Daddy, essay writing during the day, hanging out with the little ones come night, or adventures off and about... *sigh*... When I return from break I have one Astronomy class and then a couple classes on Tuesday before I leave for Ottawa. Crazy! Alexander III took the bus home last night; the same one as I, and hence insisted on chatting it up all the way up the hill from the bus stop. So now we're bus buddies... we're going to venture off together after Canadian Government on Tuesday... oh man... I don't know if I can handle eight whole hours on a bus with that boy. We'll see how it goes... maybe I will turn him into a good little communist by the end of the trip... *laughs*. The highlight of that trip will be my Meghan; baby, Saturday I'm yours! Then returning Sunday for another couple months of school and work and then... done second year! After that, BC... with Meghan, and possibly Ang as well. Upon arriving home, it's working full-time and taking Public Admin for the summer... then my birthday! Then... oh man, the excitement of my day... *drumroll*... RUSH! I would absolutely LOVE to see Rush in concert... anybody want to get a group together and go? I need more friends that are into Rush... *frown*. As well, in the past couple days, I have had a super-long phone conversation with Ang, who I barely get to see (it's been since New Years!) and I was talking to Brent... ah Brenty-boo, and Mason! This morning I was so incredibly thrilled to wake up to lazily click on my inbox and find a random sweet e-mail from Mason... he was saying that he thinks of toboganning with our trusty garbage bags down UC hill often... and that that is one of his most fabulous and happy memories of Canada. I remember how extremely giddy he was for snow... his constant happiness and drunken laughter (though sometimes annoying) is such a shining memory from last year. It's so nice to hear you're missed... *smiles* Ahhh and Fan-Yee's mom just called to tell me that she now considers me her daughter because I'm the only one she can ever get ahold of out of Fan-Ling and Fan-Yee... so she checked up on me to see how I am and make sure that I'm healthy and good... I love that woman... her phonecalls make me so happy. Alas, it's back to work... and some coffee later with Laila... this may be the final update until after break... due to the complete slowness of the internet at home... but we'll see... maybe we'll get something posted. I love you all, have a solid break... play safe and have fun. "Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." -- Og Mandino |
| ...february first, two thousand four... "...I said hey! you! Get off of my cloud!..." Oh how incredibly glad I am that I decided to venture to the library today! The moment I stepped outside I felt a wave of contentment sweep over me� armed with my glorious sunglasses and Sunshine Joe (minus being disguised in the usual Timmy�s cup *stops to remember Ang*), I trekked to Weldon� bus free. As the warm sun reflected off of the Thames, the sparkles of light dancing on the water, my mind faded into reminiscent mode. This time, it was of reflecting sun off of another great body of water� the Mediterranean Sea� on the Cote d�Azur. Oh how I long to be on that stony beach once again, in my bitchy sunglasses savoring coconut gelato! Only this time, there would be no hook-up rumors regarding Andrew and I� no Lori and Hope with �Isaac�� no moping Brent, causing everyone�s trip to be cast in the shadows of despair� however, I would not be against the pushing of the beds together in grand girl-talk tradition, my intense mood swings ranging from sarcastic anger to the overpowering love for a friend; hating how her jerky boyfriend had been ruining the time of her life. I long to walk through those streets once more� taking in the powerful architecture and the soothing atmosphere. I remember when I was young and wanted more than anything to be a writer� the best way to improve your writing, I was told, was to keep a diary/journal of the day�s events. This notion fell apart after everyone in my house had read my most silent fears, hopes, dreams� then, the journal was replaced by the onslaught of my teen angst dark poetry. Poetry that Mr. Bartlett used to say shocked him and shook him to the core at the same time. Shocked because I was such a happy, happy person to the rest of the world, and shook� because it was so real, so dark, so brutally honest. I have been cushioned by this fluffy cloud of bliss; reading my Rushdie and becoming Kathie-Lee at the same time� and then, as if I was the only person in the room, the two ladies in their telling dark clothes approached me, interrupting my beloved reading, to ask me to join their Bible study and to ensure me that Jesus loves me. Transported back into the days of Sunday School� �Jesus loves me this I know�� yet, I did not have the heart to tell these women just to leave me alone� though they were ruining my good mood, especially since I couldn�t understand a word they were saying through their thick accents. *sigh* My mood was saved by the curious blond boy, with a quizzical smile on his face, beckoning me to sit and tell him what the whole thing was about� his ranting about the enforcement of religious beliefs upon another while I tried not to stare at the jagged scar marring his strong jaw line� Was it because I appeared to be a good Christian girl that I was invited to join their group while all of those around me were excluded? Why did they choose to pick me, me who was obviously absorbed in other things� *sigh* I began the journey home, the moon high in the sky (the astronomy in me thinking this must be the third quarter as the sun was on the horizon), as darkness was just beginning its torturous descent. It�s easy to be alone during the day, with the brightness and hustle and bustle� but as darkness falls, it�s difficult not to think of different times. Times when although you may still have felt a little alone, you were safely tucked into the arms of another. The hopeless romantic in me longing for the warm arms around me under the stars� recalling those previous nights, the first kiss on the porch steps on a cold, starlit spring night� and more recently, down a side-road, locked in tight embrace under the clear summer sky, cushioned in warmth in the back of an old beat-up pick up truck. Before these thoughts get the best of me� the voice of reason asks what came of these relationships, the romanticism forgotten as the first runs in heartbreak to the arms of one of my closest friends (though I was happy for her� she could no doubt do better); and the second, the second running into the arms of one of his adoring female groupies the minute I came off to school, not trying to maintain a relationship with me gone, while not ending the relationship either. As I reached the bridge, a droplet of precious coffee fell down the side of my cup. I caught it with my fingertip to lick it off� looking up to catch the telling glances of a group of first-year boys that had gathered to chat, blocking my way; the crowd parted in silence to watch me walk by as I thought to myself that I already am a politician. I catered to the desires of these boys to accompany my own wants (though seemingly unconscious), all the while knowing that their wants would go unrecognized. The trick is to make them believe that their desires are a possibility� when, in fact, knowing that they aren�t. It's strange that January is almost over... seems like it was only yesterday that I was out with Ang and the boys for New Years... fending off Trevor only to be attacked by Mark... *laughs* Ah memories. Anyway, this post seems to be long enough and random enough already... so I will let it be. Love yous! *hugs and kisses* "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall." -- Confucious |
| ...february third, two thousand four... "...put not your trust in fairytales, or chivalrous knights..." (Rushdie, "Crash," September 1997) "...don't try to fix me, I'm not broken..." (Evanescence, "Hello") No one should be forced to answer questions that they do not wish to answer. Therefore, when I am asked something I do not wish to relinquish from my memory... I reserve the right to do so. You talk about the past as if there was something there. As if that fairytale first date had actually led to something of substance. Something that lead to a destination. A destination other than indignation. Why can I just not stay away once I make the claim to do so? Why must I feel the need to save the precious memories shared by attempting to revive some sort of friendship? Friendship is hard to encourage when two people are not in the same hypothetical place; not only in their lives, but in their mind. I simply do not wish for the same things as you. Those things that I thought I once wanted... I'm not so sure if these resources are plentiful enough in you for me to attempt to begin over. I'm not sure if they were there in the first place. Were my feelings genuine or were they the sentiments that I wanted in my life, whether or not you were the one at the other end of them? I am proud of everything that I have told you about myself tonight. I am proud of who I am, and for the most part how I got here. One thing is for certain, there have never been any regrets. I am happy to be the me that I am, and any slip of the past would cause that to be completely different. Therefore, in response to your question... the past does not matter. I like people based on who they are personally and not so much the long expedition of the creation of said person. Life is a journey and around every corner there are choices in which force us to add or change who we are; not just for a moment, but for eternity. I am satisfied with myself; but in asking the questions can you say the same? I apologize for this post already. *laughs* I seem to have slipped into this strange, complacent mood. A mood in which, as of this very moment of my life, I am without a worry or care and everything is as it should be. It has been a long, productive day. Ended the most wonderful day that a day could end; with a long chat with the perfect friend. The card that was sent to me by this gorgeous freak of nature sits propped up by my sweet sweet laptop and every time I glance over at it I laugh hysterically and shake my head. By the way... resplendent... fabulous word! Anyway, I'm going to bed... Love yous. *hugs and kisses* "We can never really love anybody with whom we can never laugh." -- Agnes Repplier |
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| ...february sixth, two thousand four... "Green-eyed lady, windswept lady Rules the night, the waves, the sand Green-eyed lady, ocean lady Child of nature, friend of man" So... I am the procrastination queen... *laughs* I have done so much random stuff in the past week to put off doing work... it's ridiculous. I attempted to start my debate thing (which I kicked ass on by the way) for four days before the actual debate day... and when did I actually write it? Oh on Tuesday, debate day... and now it's been all about the Astronomy. I was planning on starting to study for the past two nights (exam is on Monday)... and I opened my book yesterday... for about an hour... and then finished up this glorious little project of mine... that has absolutely nothing to do with school... *laughs* Kiki, behave yourself this weekend... I have faith in you, and know that you will be good... and yes, these boys may be good boys... but be careful nonetheless. Sometimes boys can get awful shady... remember my lectures as I only want the best for you... and want nothing bad to happen to you. I know not what I would do if anything were to happen to my precious little Kiki! *smiles* Though I am so glad that you are happy now... and that you know that you can trust your big sister with everything... I love being on campus and running into random people... lately I've been seeing everyone, Indo and Kim, Keston, Christine from WS last year, Gillian (I usually only see Gill at the bar/mall/wherever, and not so much campus), Francis, Inuk,... I love it. Oh! And I also saw Dan today for the first time since last April when he finally returned my Hoobastank CD that he had since September... *shakes fist*... I love running into people you don't expect to see! I'm getting so excited for Ken's birthday goodness... of course nothing will measure up to the fabulousness that was Valentine's Day last year... oh Meghan! The crazy creations of drinks with dirty names (thank goodness for webtender.com!), smoking cigarettes that apparently were not tobacco... but another substance often smoked... *laughs*... drunken debauchery... reading the Sex issue of the Gazette... cursing boys who propose to someone other than the long-term girlfriend that they had told they wanted to spend the rest of their life with... *spits*.... oh Meghan... I would be all for you ditching Stephen to come and visit me again this year... *laughs*. Last night Lynds, Steve, and Keston came over for a mini Sex and the City marathon... the season is winding down... the final season... *tear*... it's getting pretty intense... I love Sex nights because they mean... da da da... sleepovers! There's nothing like climbing into a warm bed and chatting with a good friend until you fall asleep... and then waking up to push them out the door to class and climbing back into bed... *laughs*... for a day with no classes, I was up pretty darn early. Doesn't help that I had a UN meeting... it's coming up so fast.. yet another thing that I have to get working on... but it means Ottawa, which means Meghan... so I'm excited nonetheless. So yeah, today... I was walking down the sidewalk of death (our sidewalk is pure ice... it's nearly impossible to walk down to the bus stop without killing yourself)... when who came up and started talking with me... but the infamous "Alexander the Third"... *shakes head* Oh heavens. Well... I feel it is time for this procrastination to be put on hold... and some actual work to be accomplished... so I am off to fix up some Astronomy notes before heading off to campus, yet again, to do some hardcore Astronomy studying with Laila... *laughs*... we'll see how that goes, for some reason I'm kind of interested in seeing how this studying with the closeness of Spoke thing works out... *laughs*. Love you all... have a wonderful weekend... *hugs and kisses* "Live to the point of tears." -- Albert Camus |
| ...february eighth, two-thousand four... dif�fer�ent -- unlike in form, quality, amount, or nature; dissimilar Difference is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel that some people merely need to realize that not everyone is just like they are... not everyone behaves the same way given a similar situation. Get over it. There are so many things in life that are not worth over-analyzing and concerning ourselves with... why in all of my relationships do the opposite sex turn out to be more of a girl than I? Okay, so I'm exaggerating... not all of my relationships are like that... there has been a few; yes, but more specifically; one of the first... and one of the latest... *sigh* I just get so fed up with all of this delving into the past. Sure, I get reminiscent and sappy and fall back in time for a while sometimes... however, I'm not trying to change things, fix things that are, and forever will be... broken. It's sort of ironic how the tables have turned... how I went from putting all of the effort into something... to no longer caring at all and having the one who just wanted to "let things happen" hopelessly trying to resuscitate a dead relationship. I don't believe in going back to fix something that is irrefutably broken. ...You feel that I swore off boys because of you? *laughs* You place too much significance upon yourself; the truth shall be set free... "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive..." --Havelock Ellis And to the one who prides me on not falling into the same orbit and becoming a "bright and promising comet"... *laughs*... my astronomically-induced mind was considering this last night while the water pipes were singing their little hearts out... and comets... comets are still in orbit. Halley's comet reappears every 76.02 years or so... it's just an extremely large orbit. Maybe this explains why, although not with the same person... I often fall into the same messy mistakes. This is kind of like the conversation that Keston and I were having the other night while all warm and cozy in bed... maybe we're just not the marrying kind. *sigh* This worries me sometimes... as I would love to get married and have children and the whole nine yards... hence why last year when Marcelo would get mad at me, he would merely put down my future mommy-ing skills... *laughs*... but there's a part of me that doesn't know what I want... the part that is not sure if I would be happy settled down as my mother in the same place for all of eternity... how I long to travel... see the world... have new amazing adventures! And as well, there's always the lack of stability and durability in relationships past... a trend so common it often causes one to ponder whether the other person is the problem... As of right now, I want to go here. Alas, instead of escaping to beautiful Antigua... I am here... in snow-covered, stinging cold London... forced to trudge down the icy sidewalks of death to a week filled with exams and essays and research, oh my! I have been longing for summers past; camped out on the lawn, staring up at the sky having girl-talk... roasting marshmellows and making kick-ass s'mores 'til the dawn's early light... *sigh* While standing behind Adam and his female friend in the never-ending Tim Hortons lineup in the UCC, I could not help but overhear the petite blonde complaining about spending reading week in France instead of the Dominican. Sometimes, the true circumstance of people is given light... as I would be more than happy to fly off to France at any given time... I only wish I had money so that I could fly out to British Columbia with Meghan to see Chrissy and Sean come summer... but instead, I shall be content here... in London... working... hoping for the occassional retreat with Ang... This post is not at all what I had planned for it to be... sometimes conversations with people get me heated and thus, make thinking about the logical progression of just about anything unfeasible. So, for lack of the eloquence to say it myself... some words borrowed from another, incredibly intelligent woman from the past: "People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." -- Mother Teresa |
| ...february tenth, two-thousand four... ...who knew?... Some interesting little bit of exciting knowledge that I did not know and therefore, am going to inform the rest of you of... *smiles* Vaclav Havel, former Czech President, told Salman Rushdie about his admiration for American rock idol Lou Reed. He informed Rushdie that it would be impossible to overstate the importance of rock music for the Czech resistance during the years of darkness in the Prague spring and collapse of communism. Rushdie writes: "I was just relishing the mental image of the leaders of the Czech underground grooving to the sound of the Velvet Underground playing... when Havel added with a straight face, 'Why do you think we called it the Velvet Revolution?" How beautiful is that!? For those of you who do not know of Velvet Underground... shame on you. Also... do any of you know about the darker side of Canadian History? I know that we definitely weren't taught about this in any of our esteemed History classes... and by this, I mean the past terrorism invoked by the FLQ. I suggest reading that page and learning more about it... as the video we watched in class today (Canadian Government) only caused me to have so much more respect for the late Pierre Trudeau. As well, bombings, kidnappings of government officials and murder is not something Canada likes to associate with its own past... And that concludes the learning and thinking part of today's post... *smiles* Oh Meghan, I love you... and I shall save up as much as possible so that I can fly with you to British Columbia... I know I said in my last post that I would be destined to stay here and live an unescapable life of working this summer... but oh how I crave to leave here... even if only for a little while. Plus, it's been so incredibly long since I've seen Chrissy, or Holly for that matter, though she lives in London, it seems that Andrew and working and being all domestic keep her from... everything. Oh, and Kiki, I got your letter today, after talking on the phone with you last night... *laughs*... oh dear I love your stories. Possibly because I feel that you are destined to follow the same path as I... your stories are the stories of my past... distant and not-so-distant as well. Though I warned you specifically against these things... I can not help but laugh and feel for you at the same time. I'm so glad that you speak to me still.... since you are the only family link that I have it seems... *sigh*. However, if I had to have one link... you would be it. We identify. Oh, blasted middle-children syndrome! *laughs* We are oh, so precious! "In the matter of Iraq, however, the US administration's understanding of human nature has been deficient, to say the least. The hypothesis that bombing raids might provoke a coup against Saddam was always flawed. On the whole, people do not see as allies those who are dropping quantities of high explosives on them from the sky. Like Yossarian, the hero of Catch-22, they take the bombs personally." -- Rushdie, December 1998 ....and that... is all folks. |
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| ...february eleventh, two-thousand four... "...I'm a bitch, I'm a tease I'm a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer I'm your angel undercover..." Meredith Brooks, Bitch First off, I would like to comment on this; the so called "brilliant" proposal of Health-Minister-turned-Conservative-Leadership-Candidate Tony Clement. Upon first reading this article, I must say, I was pretty impressed by the Conservatives for one of the few times ever. However, upon reading it a second time, a few things about it started to bother me. Here, are such things. When Conservative parties offer new and exciting policies, that actually add up and make sense, voters embrace them. So, of course, they admit that it is a strategy to pull in voters... especially away from the long-time winning Liberals. However, the article also states: The plan would be implemented for those 18 or younger in 2005, while everyone else continued under the current system. So, those who would actually be affected by said plan, aren't even of age to vote for the party to get the plan implemented in the first place. Everyone else, including us poor poor University students... stays in the current system of taxation. And what does the article say about the current system you ask? "Young people need money to start families, buy homes and control debt. The current system ignores this fact, preferring, for political reasons, to favour the elderly." Oh I see... so pretty much, the article says that we're screwed. We will require the same money to start families, buy homes and control debt, and yet, unlike those under the age of 18 as of 2005... we have to find ways to deal with this on our own... just as those before us. And here's the kicker: He billed the plan as an attack on the brain drain, saying tax-free status would convince Canadians in the first years of their careers to stay in the country rather than search out greener pastures in the United States and elsewhere. This is one of the stupidest things that I have ever heard. For starters, there is nothing from keeping us from going to the states to pursue jobs... and typically the ones who go to the States are the high-end jobs, the lawyers, the doctors, the engineers... so in the grand scheme of things, this wouldn't start to keep people from going to the states until about 2015... after all of these "under 18" year olds get through school and get themselves an actual degree to get a job. Even then, just as the above italicized quote states this will only keep them in Canada in the first years of their careers, there is still nothing from keeping these new tax-free people from using up their $250,000 limit and then fleeing to the states not only with a good degree, but with valuable job experience under their belts... screwing the Canadian government. And since the article says that this will cause less money to be brought in by taxes, but will eventually even itself out in the long run... I am left asking... will it really? Or will it turn out to a tax-increase for the rest of us under the "old system" to compensate for the loss of taxes from this new "brilliant" plan of Clement's? In conclusion, I think this plan stinks. *sigh of exhaustion* Yeah, so today was actually not a bad day... woke up at the glorious hour of twelve... to scurry off to Astronomy with Laila to find that not only did neither of us fail that ridiculous exam on Monday... but we both got A's. Hoorah! Then I went to the UCC and started on my philosophy paper for tomorrow... hit up the Spoke for supper... only to become even more irritated because every single time I go there... there are people making out infront of me in line. Whhhhhy!? I'd appreciate it if people could keep their tongues out of each others' mouths while standing in line for food. I feel incredibly uncomfortable behind the groping, touchy-feely, slobbering lovebirds that insist on showing their not just affection, but hardcore desire, for each other in public. Gross. Enough of my bitching... my apologies. Love y'all... *hugs and kisses* ''There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity.'' -- Robertson Davies |
| ...february thirteen/fourteen, two-thousand four... ...Happy Valentine's Day... The cookie fairy has returned. Boxes of love have been dispersed among the general population of; well, those I care to disperse them to... I crave PopJoy right now... anyone interested in hitting up Molly's next Wednesday to hear them play??? Man, there's been some good times with PopJoy in the background... many a drunken night, and every single time with a different group of people... *laughs*... the most recent was before Christmas, with the boys. Oh dear. Never again will I head out to the bar with those three... however, I have no issues with the "we'll just take turns buying the pitcher", and then only having to buy once. We drank a hell of a lot of beer that night... so much in fact, that it's one of the only nights that has ever been really shady in my memory. It just seems like certain bits have been blacked out... My dad laughed at me the next day all the way home. I showed my drunken bruises and he bought me coffee and giggled while saying, "maybe you shouldn't get so cocked you don't remember"... Solid advice Daddy. Speaking of drunkeness... I'm so pumped for Ken's Birthday goodness tonight... This weekend is indeed going to be far too short, and Sunday, is going to come way too early. However, after next week comes Spring Break, which means a trip to Toronto with Angelina, then home for hockey and drunken fun with Ang and the boys... and trying to avoid Curtis... *laughs*... and then the week after that, Ottawa. Oh Meg baby, I'm on my way to you soon! And the Valentine you sent me... is oh, so fabulous, merely because it echos the "flames of desire" card you last sent me... *laughs*. Alas, I realize this post may be one of the shortest yet... however, I'm off to the warmth of bed... thanking heavens that I'm in here and not out in the blasted cold becoming a popsicle. So, in grand Valentine's fashion... I love you all! Nighty night. *kisses* "That's how men are! Ungrateful and never satisfied. When you don't have them, They hate you because you won't. And when you do have them, They hate you again, for some reason. Or for no reason at all, Except that they are discontented children, And can't be satisfied whatever they get, Let a woman do what she may." -- D. H. Lawrence |
| ...february fifteenth, two-thousand four... ...oh heavens... I was sent my astrological projections for this weekend... and so, why not post them here really. Any of you who care to know, know that I am the cusp of Cancer and Leo and therefore, must post both... anyone who doesn't care... well that's too bad. Saturday, February 14: Cancer, you are your own best friend. The conversations might be comfortably predictable, but doesn't it get a bit lonely? Take a chance on meeting someone that will make your life more interesting. For Leo, Leo stands fiery and irresistible at this celebration of love. Your embrace is like a drug to someone that has never known anything so intense. Whispered possibilities quickly ramp up to shouted promises. Sunday, February 15: Stand instead of running. Failure feels like your common theme, but it's one that will soon pass. Once the person that rejected you considers the available options, he or she may reconsider. For Leo, You may be dominant, but you're also kind. Be sure to include others in an event that's all about you. Anyone touched by your radiance feels loved and special. *shrugs* Anyone who would like to aid in spelling this out for me... is welcome to attempt to do so. I do get lonely, yes... but this weekend has been a company-filled one... thank heavens! And I am not my own best friend at all... I have Meghan. Glorious Meghan. I can't wait until May, our week of vacational bliss... *sigh*. Though we are the furthest apart of everyone we seem to get closer and closer by the day (if that's possible)... And so, I am posting my day-after-Valentine's Day message because it's possibly the most gorgeous thing that has ever been written to me... "you know, i always thought it was going to be some wonderful boy that gave me faith in love again... but i was wrong. the unconditional love that you have shown me and continue to show me has had and everlasting effect and i can't thank you enough. sweetpea, i love you so the ends of the earth and would do anything i could to help you out. you have shown me friendship and love like no other. and i'm so proud of the personthat you have become because she is the most beautiful woman that i have ever met! I love you baby! Meghan P.S. if anyone were to read these, they would so seem like love letters, which they are... but not THAT kind of love letter.. haha" Oh dear... this weekend was ridiculous... I'm glad it's over and yet at the same time, I wish it would have never ended. Now I have no breakfast friend... damn all you kids having class early... damn Laila having morning class this term. *laughs* I miss highschool breakfasts... the beautiful thing about early morning spare... grabbing the rest of the lovely children in the hallway and trekking to Diana's. I miss Diana's... and Stef. So much has changed, those were indeed much simpler times... The list of people getting booted from Molly's has skyrocketed. I woke up this morning to repeticious messages from a worried Laila... hoping that I was alive... she was worried we had gotten into huge amounts of trouble... no no... however, I still can't believe we walked all the way home. It was cold last night too. Ah the wonders of drinking... I'm so sore now... so completely useless... all I want to do is crawl into the warm heaven that is bed. However, I know that if I sleep now, I'll be up all night and it will mess up my system for the entire week... Shrek is on TV tonight... I love that movie, so brilliant. Once again, I am alone. My companion-filled weekend is over and even today Keston came over for a bit but now he is gone and Fan-Yee has gone to Ken's as well. Alas, this week is coming full-force. So much work and so much stuff to get together before I leave on Thursday... I can't believe there's only four days until I head to Toronto with Ang... and then I will not be back here for a whole week and a half almost... I will miss it here... though I'm glad to get away. Spring break is chock-full of essays. Woohoo. I have so much work to do... it's ridiculous. *laughs* It's a good thing that I have complete faith in this procrastination queen... I feel in dire need of a nap. How could it possibly be that I have not gotten enough sleep? This weekend, with the exception of the extreme craziness of last night, has been so incredibly chill. I love it. "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'" -- Jack Handey |
| ...february sixteenth, two-thousand four... ...why can't my brain have an off switch?... I feel very un-special today. There were two upsides to this day... number one, the swelling in my hand has gone down a considerable amount from last night though it still pains a great deal; and number two, I had a wonderful sleep... my pillow had the lingering scent of the weekend and therefore ensured some very sweet dreams. So, I'm sitting here, writing because I do not wish to crack open the large stack of books that I brought home from Weldon. It hurt to carry them home, and as soon as I opened the door, they made a satisfying clunk on the floor. That is my sole accomplishment for today, trekking to Weldon and finding a solid ten books to get started on my International Relations essay: "Does regionalism act as a barrier or 'stepping-stone' to global free trade?" Instead of complying to the necessities of homework (it's not due for another month anyway!) I find myself indulging in idle daydreams... Daydreams that, though I enjoy, I wish I could not have merely because they ensue the attachment of emotions in my mind... emotion that I wish I could distance from myself, as that would make things so much easier. Found myself in one of those conversations again last night... one where I was ready to go to sleep, and said goodnight and that apparently meant that I wished to begin a conversation. So, I was asked about the weekend in vast detail. Not the details that just anyone asks, but only the details that said person is interested in. I did not cater to his personal questions, mainly because I do not feel that they are any of his concern... but I did manage to get from him that he is jealous. Intensely jealous. This satisfies me slightly, as though I sensed this could be the case, it is now confirmed. However, claiming that we'll hook up over break next week... that's going a little far. Especially since I have stated, in no uncertain terms, that it's not going to happen. I took Laila and Maija their post-Valentine's Day cookies... since they weren't home Saturday when I was going to drop them over to their house... and I'm meeting with Inuk tomorrow to give him his... as Momma always delivers cookies to wee Nukki. I miss last year more and more these days. Sure, it's so much easier to get things accomplished out of residence, but I just miss the mere closeness of everything and everyone. This year when I'm left alone, it's not nearly as easy to go visit as it was last year... last year when you would just go next door and hang out for awhile... when you could open the door into the hallway at anytime of the day (and usually night as well) to find a group of people just hanging out on the floor... *sigh* It's crazy... when I was younger I would shut myself in my room all day with a book and be more than happy to have little to no human interaction; however, these days I crave companionship; passing hellos merely act as a tease, causing me to yearn for another soul to just chill with. Instead, I find myself with some Radiohead, some Grateful Dead, some Guns 'N Roses, some John Lennon, Joan Jett, Def Lepard, Blondie. Added to these faithful friends is the final oatmeal raisin cookie... and a tall glass of milk. I wish to get lost in a good book, however, the only reading that I have time to do these days is for class... and I'm not looking forward to these International Relations books... trade rules and economics just do not seem to be doing it for me today. It seems that as the shade of darkness descends encompassing the earth my soul is immersed in darkness as well. Though I can find sufficient company in myself, and do not require anyone else to be happy. . . these days I just feel so secluded from everything and this is what drives me crazy. As Dickens once wrote: . . . "in seclusion, she had secluded herself from a thousand natural and healing influences; that, her mind, brooding solitary, had grown diseased, as all minds do and must and will that reverse the appointed order of their Maker ." The Eurythmics sang "some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you... " and for some strange reason, I've just been getting this feeling deep inside me these days that that's what I am... a means and not an end in myself... and this, Kant would frown upon. I'm sorry for all of the self-depreciating ramblings today. I just feel... empty. I love all of you who come to this sorry little page to say hello, or see what I'm up to... and as this post in particular only seems to get worse... I shall end it now, with the wise words of an even wiser woman: "When Christ said: "I was hungry and you fed me," he didn't mean only the hunger for bread and for food; he also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus himself experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept on hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one to be accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that's real hunger." -- Mother Teresa |
| ...february twenty-three, two-thousand four... "...there's more to me than you..." Oh home sweet home. I know that I said I wouldn't update... but well, I lied. It�s been so long since I�ve been back here, sitting in my high wooden stool in the kitchen, typing on my beloved laptop. My intention was actually to work on some notes and do some reading since there is nothing slack about this following week� but instead, I�ve decided that maybe I will post. Thursday was beautiful� the anticipation of adventure, the teasing warmth of the weather, pulling out the bitchy sunglasses and slipping on the flip flops. We slipped in the Muskoka Mix on the way to Toronto, relishing the similar state of mind that we held on that trip. After a couple hours of laughter, stories and sing-a-long� we reached out destination: the Royal York. Friday night I filled my Angela to the brim and pulled her out on the town. Fan-Yee and Ken had pushed back their arrival time; so it was not the night out that we had in mind but it was fabulous� We walked to the Irish Embassy for some drinks and while Ang insisted that my devilish tricks would not work in the big city I pointed to the group of guys that had been watching us since we walked in and ensured her they would. After some hellos from Kevin O�Neill, we were approached by the one brave soul, testing the waters before waving over his friends, resulting in the loss of the table that we had been eyeing up. After much conversation and being given free drinks (score!), we decided that the Embassy held nothing more for us and we ventured instead to the Cave. The person at the door let us in without paying cover and the boys kept us in drinks for the rest of the night� all in all, it was great. However, the night took a drastic turn for the worse upon leaving the club as we witnessed not only a fight, but a fight resulting with the lesser violent one (attempting to talk out their problems) getting brutally stabbed multiple times by the other. As the stabber brushed past me retracting his switchblade, a group gathered around the victim, calling 911 and ensuring he was given sufficient aid. As he was still alive, and seemed to be getting the help he needed, it was in our best interest to move on. It was at this point in time that we gave silent thanks that we had the boys by our side and weren�t left to wander the streets alone. We were definitely ready to leave the city Saturday, the voyage home battling the fierce blowing snow and the will to go back to sleep. However, upon making it back to Ang�s we were blessed with a long, well-needed nap and some fabulous stir-fry with the anticipation of another wonderful night ahead of us. The game was intensely fantastic, the boys regaining their slight lead in the last minutes of the game for a beautiful victory. We didn�t have time for much chatting, though we did have a wee visit with Curtis before we were out for Drayton. Upon entering, I was nearly attacked by Cory who kept stressing how long it had been and how much they�ve all missed me� wading through the crowd to the familiar faces of the others, I realized how much I�ve truly missed this. Upon coming across the others, who apparently didn�t know that I was to be there, I was welcomed quite heartily by all of them, hugged and kissed and loved. Rick telling me how hot I am and how school is doing good things for me, Joe telling me that he�s missed my �fine ass� as Ang and I swatted his drunken hands away� Cory again swinging me around, tipping his hat to me and asking me to dance� *laughs*. Now I crave the drive-in. Just all the memories of home come flooding back with my return� memories so beautiful that I wonder if I�ll ever be that blissfully happy again. As all nights must have a low, the low of this night was brought about by Adrienne pretending to be my friend, being all bubbly and fake, inquiring as to how I am, and if I�d seen D� Cory must�ve seen the look in my eyes as he was quick to intervene� swinging me onto the dance floor and telling me to ignore her; her and D have been having problems and she fears me. Though I enjoy being considered a threat; one must recall the fact that he was the one to cheat on me and leave� not vise-versa� so in my opinion, she has nothing to worry about. After all of this nonsense, we walked past that dreaded boy and he rubbed my shoulder and pulled out the usual lines as I chatted politely over my shoulder, maintaining my growing distance� it satisfies me greatly that all of his friends love me more than they love him. That through everything, the boys have stood behind me and daily show their disdain for his new romantic decisions� oh boys, you�re precious. *smiles* This morning was full of breakfast with Daddy; explaining my Astronomy text to him, and errands with Momma� surprisingly enough, we�ve been getting along quite wonderfully� bantering wittily back and forth, being the only ones to �get� the other�s intelligible humor and inside jokes. We took care of income tax stuff and RRSPs, financial talk is not fun� especially with times as they are. By times, I am referring of course, to this ongoing BSE, the fact that we�re losing large amounts of money due to the fact that borders are still not opened up� unaided by the fact that the effects of the infamous accident are still felt four years after its occurrence and now it appears that Momma�s not the only one with life-long lasting problems as Kate may be feeling some long-after effects of her own. I will remember that night for the rest of eternity; the separation from everyone, even Kiki who was staying with Aunt Janice� knowing the moment that the phone rang that everything was not right, the only information we held being that something awful had happened and not everyone was still breathing� not knowing who that odd person out was. Staying up all night, checking on the others every half hour ensuring that they were okay while Momma was in the hospital still� the nightmares plaguing her consistently for months on end� the next day at school battling the dreadful will to sleep from the lack thereof the night before, wondering if it was worth it� if life is really worth the effort. Don�t drink (or get high) and drive folks, more often than not you will live, but those you are close to may not. Moving on� Supper last night was amazing� oh so much food� I love family get-togethers, the ridiculous amount of food, the (safe) alcoholism of my relatives� supper tonight was also nice, especially since it�s been since Christmas that we�ve really sat down together and had a family meal� Andrew telling the others to shut up and to not ruin my homecoming with their incessant fighting. *laughs* Then tonight it was popcorn, beer and OC with Daddy� I love being home� though I can�t stand to be here for long periods of time; I love the moments we have here, I love the isolation and the freedom that comes with wide open spaces. Alas, I must go� a long bath awaits me and perhaps, just perhaps, I shall open some book other than Astronomy� g�night kids, I hope your respective breaks are going well; and those that are in school this week� well, I guess it sucks to be you. *hugs and kisses* �You must be the change you wish to see in the world.� -- Ghandi |
| ...february twenty-nine, two-thousand four... "...take your memories, I don't need 'em..." I�ve been so blissfully happy at home� I almost do not want to return to London. Sad, I know� I have never felt this growing attachment to this place before� it�s scary. This house is so much warmer than my igloo, and when I look out the window I see the vast expanse of land� the bright sunlight refracting millions of glittery gorgeousness off of the fluffy white snow. Kiki and I played around all day, attacking each other, licking wars and girl talk as per usual� I will miss her. And I�ll miss Katie-bear running into my room early morning to wake me up by crawling into bed with me and announcing that Daddy is making strawberry pancakes and coffee� I�ll miss Andrew leaving me secret messages on my laptop, or saying something at supper and looking at me with that mischievous gleam in his eye indicating that what he�s said has some deeper secret meaning that only we share. As well, Mother and I have been getting along almost freakishly well� I love it. There have been no crying and screaming fits, but a lot of laughter. *sigh* Instead of being here, I go back to London, where I am more alone than I desire to be. I don�t know what it is, even though I have been here by myself most of the days this week, there�s something about knowing that everyone will be here in the evening that sustains me, I haven�t felt alone all week. As well, I�ve gotten in lots of visiting, which is good� because I barely see anyone from here anymore, and I love catching up with everyone� seeing that my matchmaking from the summer has paid off, sharing secret jokes and phrases with the girls that I always think of but that no one in London would ever understand were I to use them in passing, taking in a healthy dose of glorious hockey, the boys have been generous and have been bringing their fights right in front of us� bless your souls! Papa Fisk has been informing us on the boys to go for and the boys to stay away from... *laughs* A lot has happened in the past couple days� I hope everything works out for Autumn and Boat; I hate to see him so depressed, especially since he loves her so much and treats her like a princess. All of the relationship nonsense that has been going on has made me so glad that I don�t have to worry about any of that; that I have my soul mate and I know that she�ll be there for me always and do anything for me (as I would her) and that someday I�ll find a boy worthy of sharing the spotlight with her in my heart. These past couple days have been those of reflection and thought; of looking critically at things� realizing how wrong it would be to get involved. Yesterday, while talking to a certain boy, I became so relieved that the relationship (and I use that term loosely) ended when it did, because all of his quirks that I once just shook off have begun to really irritate me. The life of the single girl may not always be blissful and enjoyable; but I wouldn�t trade in my adventures of the present for anything, maybe I�ll write a book someday� as the girls tend to live more and more vicariously through me� *laughs*. I�m happy with who I am and everything that I have and that I don�t have a significant other to worry about or a relationship to over-dramatize. I have my friends, and honestly... I don't require anything more than that. Besides, this next month is looking crazy-busy, so it's all for the best that I have as little distractions as possible. If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. -- Linda Sunshine She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child. -- Barbara Alpert |
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